Abismo de pasión #72 6/21/12: Run Lolita Run

Dear friends, please join me tonight at the Kenia Memorial Table, where we mourn our favorite character, no doubt killed off early because she was upstaging our heroine nightly. Kenia, here’s to you. We hope you surface soon.

By the way, there are several open positions in La Ermita for those who are interested:  Anger Management Counselor (FT), Chief of Police (FT), Dressmaker (FT), Fashion Consultant specializing in What Not to Wear (FT), Doctor (Temporary), Fan Maker (As Needed).

Redux: Paloma blabs to Alfonsina about Doc T having it on with the TangelHo. Damian dumps Flor again. Damian wants to hug Elisa, forget about mommie dearest, and be happy. Just for one day please? Let’s see if they can last 24 hours.

New Stuff:
It’s sunrise. No wait, it’s sunset, then moonrise. Another full moon. Didn’t I have a full moon in my last recap? So it must be a month later, hee, just kidding. It’s always a full moon in La Ermita.

Funny, Casa Castigo looks modern from the outside, but so old-fashioned from the inside. Don Asshat wonders why Carmina’s not ready to greet her dinner guests. She and Begoña arranged this get-together and she had better get her orange butt in gear. She says she’s not up to it. (Homicide takes it out of a woman, dontcha know.) She’s got the crazy eyes going on, she feels “off” and needs to rest. She’s not having her best moment, she says.

Downstairs the Doc squirms. Asshat and Begoña advise him to check out the TangelHo. Begoña even gives him a frisky whack on the tuches as he leaves the room.

“How dare you enter my room?” queries Orangina. She doesn’t need a doctor...or a man. (Que? Unless Asshat doesn’t count as a man.) Doc says she doesn’t appreciate what she’s got, Asshat is a fine man. She puts her cantaloupes in his face and reminds him of what they did, then says she wouldn’t re-boink an insipid like him, she doesn’t like to eat the same dish twice. (Is it me or are her lines awesome tonight?) Good gosh darn thing, he says, because news flash, she’s sick in the head. Suddenly she feels better, see what a good Doc he is? She just needed a little injection of nasty ‘ho to give her an appetite.

Wow, Dam learned to make pasta while he was in Italy. He’ll have Elisa popping out of her hotpants in no time. Oh wait, I didn’t mean...I meant gaining weight, no not that way, er, by eating...never mind. Paloma and Gael arrive at the rectory in time to hear that Dam and Elisa are novios again (oh goodie). They are invited to stay for Dam’s special pasta and to bask in the momentary joy that Dam and Elisa are an item. Gael sucks it up, “great, let’s hope it’s final this time,” and Paloma makes up with Elisa.

Back at Casa Castigo the dreary dinner conversation about Fina’s loan is punctuated by Begoña commenting that Alfonsina is cruel and heartless. (Doorbell rings in the background.) Pop! goes the Bitch Queen of the Galaxy. “Good to know how you really feel about me!” glowers Fina. Oopsie. She wants to talk to Asshat. Alone. Outdoors. “Wheee, looks like Fina’s gonna declare war on you,” titters Carmina to Begoña.

Outside, Fina tells Asshat (fliiiip goes the fan!) that her lawyer said she can’t put Asshat back in jail. AssH says she can thank her brother for that favor. And if Dam shows up at his place he’ll treat her son the same way she treated Elisa, except he’ll toss Dam Fine out on his keister with his own hands instead of asking some lackey to do it. (fliiiip goes the fan!) Fina scowls and goes to plan B for ruining Asshat’s night, “We’re standing in the same spot where I told you Stef was boinking my hubs and you stupidly didn’t believe me. Tonight I’m telling you that your current wife boinked your best friend. Yup (fliiiiip!), Carmina and Edmundo. Hah!”

Gah, that casa gives me indigestion. Let’s go back to the more civilized mediterranean dinner at the rectory, pasta, red wine, and hunks. Padre joins the young uns, stuffs his face and blathers on about all of them being BFFs. The kids decide to go swimming at the cenote tomorrow for old time’s sake. Qué buena idea! (Ruh Roh!!!)

Fina twists the knife, she says Asshat shouldn’t blame his pathetic self that all his women cheat on him. Blame the Bouviers, its in their blood and sadly it has passed on to Elisa. Asshat tells her to Largate and wants Horacio to escort her home. She sniffs in disdain, no escort required. She advises Asshat and his family to Largate from La Ermita para siempre and she will forgive Elisa’s debt. He croaks that he will repay every last centavo. “Fine, enjoy dinner with your...guests,” she coolly replies. She’s a bitch but she’s magnificent.

Asshat returns to the table and glares at the others. He toasts his best friend Edmundo. Begoña toasts her new girlfriend Carmina. Glares for all! Burp.

Horacio gives Lolita the 411, or at least as much as he knows, about Fina and Asshat’s conversation. Tomorrow they’re gonna talk to Padre about their marriage, and she has a surprise for him! He has a surprise too, unexpected cash for his carniceria. From, um, Alfonsina’s two-week (quincena) severance, yeah that’s it.

At that very moment Lucio and Braulio are at the Cantina. It actually looks like the restaurant but they are playing the cantina music so I’m going with that. They talk about Lolita’s upcoming wedding and Lucio says wherever Blanca is, he’s sure she’s happy for Lolita. (I thought about this. Blanca doesn’t know who threw the fire bomb that killed her so she could be happy, right? Or do angels get to know everything just like God does? I forget the rules.) Brau blabs that he’s loaning Horacio money for his business, “but please don’t tell anyone I’m doing this for Lolita.”  They both want Lolita to be happy and Brau admits he’ll have feelings for her until the day he dies.

Fina’s back at home, still madly fanning herself. Guido trots after her complaining that Flor is inconsolable now that Dam is back with Elisa. He wants to scrape up what little dignity they have and return to Mexico City tomorrow. (Do it! Do it before you become crazy like the rest of the La Ermutants! We’re saving your seat on the patio.) Fina, (I hate her but she looks fantastic in that outfit) tries to get him to remain. She needs a Real Man in the house and at the Proce. Please don’t abandon her when she needs him now more than ever.

Speaking of mad fanning, Begoña’s got hers flapping as fast as her mouth. The boys have trotted off to the cantina and she is alone with Carmina. She wants to talk about the little chippy who’s been chasing after Asshat. Carmina very calmly says word has it Kenia left town, fingers crossed. They trade harmless barbs about being the wronged woman and Begoña tells Carmina not to fret, in a small town los chismes corren como pólvora (gossip spreads like wildfire?). At this time tomorrow they’ll have better things to talk about than the robamaridos (husband-stealers) of the town.

Augusto and Doc T join Luc and Brau at the Cantina. Asshat’s got a grumpy face and Doc T comments he’s been like that ever since Fina paid a call. Don L says forget the beeyatch, they are all friends here. Nope, says grumpy jowls, they are NOT all friends. He glares at Doc T and tells him he should have the pantalones to tell him to his face he boinked his wife. About half a second later he picks up the bottle of tequila and smashes Doc T on the head! Holy cow, that surprised the crap out of Doc T and me.

Doc manages to backhand Assgusto (yay!!) but Asshat beats him to a pulp before Brau can pull him away. “Traitor!!” yells Asshat, and adds all his other gripes to this mashup performance, somehow confusing Doc T with Rosendo and God only knows what else. Lucio is as baffled as I am, “Dude, you’re not fighting with Rosendo. Get a grip. Carambas!” Doc T can only sit there with blood streaming from his nose. They call an ambulance. I think they should call the police too, but that’s just me. And props to the makeup crew, Doc’s bloody face looks grossly authentic.

Somebody must have given Elisa’s script to Flor tonight. She’s sitting on her bed crying over, wait for it, Damian. Fina flounces in, fanning madly, and berates Flor for blubbering instead of taking action. Fina assures her that soon Dam will be back, begging forgiveness and (fliiiiiip!) everything will be back to normal (fliiiiiiip!). Flor’s not buying it and she can’t wait to get out of this Dam town. Fina informs Flor that Guido has agreed to run the Proce until Dam’s brains move back upstairs (fliiiiip!). She needs Flor’s help because she can’t control Dam all on her own! (Fliiiiiiiip! Thwack thwack thwack thwack thwack.)

At least someone gets to finish dinner tonight. The original foursome (Padre L has left the table) finish their muy rica comida and Gael offers to walk Paloma home. Dam wants to walk Elisa but she doesn’t think that’s a good idea considering dad already shot him once and still wants to murder him. Her relationship with dad is getting better so he just needs a little time. (And no weapons nearby. And anger management counseling. And a brain transplant.)

There’s GABINO MENDOZA, playing with his generic beer bottle again. Ingrid gripes that she hasn’t been able to get a hold of Kenia, her daughter with the supreme bad taste to fall for Assgusto. Kenia is the one who realized the importance of those tickets they discovered, that Rosendo was having an affair with Carmina, not Estefania. This info wakes GABINO up; he says for Kenia’s own good she’d better keep her mouth shut about this. He wants those tickets back NOW. II says fine, give back her money first. He says fine keep them, but II had better warn Kenia to keep it zipped. That’s what II has been saying, she can’t find Kenia which is very strange. Gab wonders if Kenia might have said something to Carmina and for her own good the answer had better be no.

Close ups of habaneros and happy, clean workers toiling amidst the pepper plants, i.e. it’s the next morning. Whatevs.

Asshat recalls a time with Stef when he asks if she ever regrets marrying him. She very sweetly says “No, I’ve never been happier than with you.” Carmina walks in and gripes about sleeping alone again. Then she sees his bruised face (where Doc T backhanded him, yay!) and comments “drunk again?” “Just a barroom brawl, nothing important,” he croaks. He adds they (he and she) tried to give things a chance but it’s just not working out. She backpedals, hits rewind, and tells him to enjoy his tea. Gawd how pathetic.

Oh dear, Horacio and Lolita are with Padre L planning their wedding. Padre tells Horacio what a great woman Lolita is and he hopes Horacio is just as good. Nobody’s perfect, says Horacio, but he looks forward to starting a new life with Lolita, new business, family, etc.

GABINO MENDOZA never learns. He’s at the Proce sticking it to Maru and bragging since Dam left he, GABINO MENDOZA, is now The Boss of Everyone. Maru tells him her instructions are otherwise. Señora Arrrrrango herself told her that Señor Landucci is the boss since Dam Absent left, bwahahaha. I love how she shakes her pencil at him. She says in spite of all his sucking up (lambisconería) he’s still in last Last LAST place.

Good grief I thought it would never happen. At last we are served some beefcake and cheesecake at the cenote. Dam and Elisa get right down to besos business. Gael can’t keep his eyes off of them, sad for Paloma. She even tries her little “let’s see how long we can hold our breaths” game but Gael doesn’t notice.

Horacio and Lolita stroll the square and excitedly discuss their wedding. She says if only Blanquita were still around she would have the nicest dress in the world. He changes the subject, what about that surprise she has for him?

They head over to Blanca’s burned out Casa de Modas and Horacio flashes back to his dirty deed. Lolita excitedly runs to the casita, claps her hands, “here we are!” He flashes back to the explosion that he caused. Lolita exclaims this is her surprise. Don Lucio will let them use it with no rent until they can afford to pay. Yes, it will need a lot of work because it was burned so badly inside. Nope, he doesn’t like it, he says not here. Why not?? It’s a great location.  “NO!! End of discussion!” he roars. Run Lolita Run!

GABINO MENDOZA’s belt buckle, followed by GABINO MENDOZA, stalks into Guido’s office. “What, people around here don’t knock first?” asks Guido. “Just wanted to congratulate you Don...Guidio [sic]” growls GABINO. He grumbles that Guido sure played his cards right with Alfonsina, a big loan and now head of her company. Guido doesn’t like Gabino’s tone. Gabino doesn’t like someone taking advantage of his boss lady. Gabino threatens some more and Guido observes that Gabino talks like Fina is his property, like she is his woman instead of his boss. Gabino had better not act up or he’s liable to get fired. “Mi patrona would never allow it!” retorts Gabino. “You want to prove it?” challenges Guido.
Guido = 1, Gabino = 0. But watch your back Guido.

Elisa and Dam are still macking it up at the Cenote. Gael is still gawking and Paloma is still trying to get Gael’s attention. (Where’s the body? That’s all I can think of.) Elisa asks about Dam’s amulet. He admits he lost it the day he was shot. Paloma pipes up she’s got to get back to work and Elisa wonders why she hasn’t been fired yet. (That’s what we’re all wondering too.) Uh oh, Paloma sees something. It’s Kenia’s note all crumpled up. Pal says it’s from Kenia telling Elisa’s papa goodbye.

Carmina, looking like Satan’s concubine, slithers into the church. Padre yells she’s not welcome, what does she think she’s doing there? She hisses she won’t beat about the bush, with whom has he been talking? He swore to her that her confession would be confidential. Padre is incensed, sadly he has carried the weight of her confession all these years and he will continue to do so because it’s his duty to God. She challenges him to swear to God he hasn’t blabbed. Bah, she should know he can’t do that, she’ll just have to take his word for it. OK, just checking, she says. “Wait woman, why are you suspicious all of a sudden?” he demands, “ it means you’re afraid someone else knows about your past. Well guess what, someone other than me knows exactly what you did, and not only that, they have proof.”

Dam and Elisa are still happy, but it hasn’t been 24 hours yet.

Avances: Carmina’s indiscretions are about to be revealed! Secrets come to light!