Abismo de pasión #88 7/13/12: If Whuppin' A$$ Was an Olympic Sport, Agosto Brought Home the Gold-Which Will Be Awarded Posthumously, Of Course.

Casa de Castanon Home Office:  Agosto recalls the conversation between Gabby and himself in the cemetery.  Gabby told him not to feel so sad about the baby.  Agosto replies that Gabby doesn’t know what it’s like to lose a child.  Gabby informs Agosto that that the baby wasn’t his.

Casa de Tovar Living Room:  A hearty welcome to the newest member of the Dumb Chick List, Sabrina Tovar.  Sabrina is encouraging her “amor” (Paolo) to ask for her parents for her hand.  She wants to get hitched before she becomes noticeably pregnant.   Paolo gently caresses her face and encourages her to relax.  He doesn’t want to rush things; they have a couple of weeks left before her belly gets big.  Cautiously, Paolo looks around, making sure that no one hears their conversation.  He wants her to travel to Merida with him in the morning.  He has a surprise for her.  Mrs. Kravitz (Begona) bounces down the stairs and into the living room.  She seems overjoyed that the only eligible child molester/rapist and part-time extortionist in La Ermita has taken an interest in her nubile daughter.  Gleefully, she takes the seat across from canoodlers and tells Paolo that he has her support.  Sabrina and Paolo cuddle on the pink paisley love seat while Mrs. Kravitz asks Paolo about his intentions, his hopes and his goals for the future.  Does he plan on expanding into serial killing anything time soon?  Paolo, still holding Sabrina’s hands, charms Mrs. Kravitz by answering her eager questions.  She asks Paolo to call her by her first name since they are practically the same age.  Sabrina protests, but Paolo diffuses the situation by telling Mrs. Kravitz that he appreciates her confidence.  Mrs. Kravitz says that he hopes that he won’t abuse it.  Paolo asks permission to take Sabby out for breakfast.  Mrs. Kravitz hints that she would like to go with them.  Sabrina shuts her mother down and tells her to call one of her own friends for breakfast.  Paolo salutes Mrs. Kravitz with a kiss on the cheek.  She insists that he call her, Begona.  Paolo is so dessssspicable.  Mrs. Kravitz rushes to the phone and dials. 

Casa de Castanon Foyer:  Destituted, Carmina, dressed only in a dirty grey robe with her pants around her ankles, is walking towards the front door.  I don’t need you and I don’t need anything!  Except this!  I need this ashtray, and this paddle game and this remote control and these matches and this magazine and this chair and this lamp and that’s all I need too!  I don’t need one other thing!  I need my dog (the dog growls).  Well I don’t need my dog. What are you looking at?  What do you think I am some kind of jerk or something? *

Carmina heads toward the door, pulling two pink suitcases behind her, when the phone rings.  She opens the door, but decides to turn around and answer the phone instead.  She walks past the discarded shot gun standing in the corner.  Mrs. Kravitz invites her out to breakfast.    At first, Carmina turns her down, but agrees to go for coffee at the Casa de Tovar. 

Case de Mickey and Mallory:    Gabino has bought Ingrid her favorite gift (and mine) which is an enormous roll of Benjamins fresh off the press.  This is totally against the pimp code.  Is Gabino slipping?  She wants to know if Gabby is going to give her the rest of her money.   Hell no!  If I do that, you’ll bounce.  She assures him that she will not leave until the Castanon’s are destroyed, but  she doesn’t like being locked up in the little blue house.  He tells her that everything is about to change because he is going to buy Cielo Abierto.  He suggests that she take the money and go buy something for herself.  She agrees.  Even when he pushes her back on the bed, Ingrid keeps a death lock on her greenbacks whilst Gabby attempts to get his freak on.  He kisses her neck, he rubs her legs, but she does not let go of those bills; not one single one.  He’s interrupted when someone bangs on front door.  Gabby begrudgingly gets up to answer.  Agosto bursts through the door and marches into the house.  Ingrid eavesdrops from the bedroom.  Agosto demands to know if Gabby told the truth about Carmina’s son not being his.  Gabby tells him that he was just joshing with him.  Agosto demands to know if the baby belonged to Rosendo.  Gabby pauses, so Agosto grabs his shirt and tries tossing him around a bit.  Ingrid steps out of the bedroom and tells Gabby to answer Agosto.  Gabby doesn’t answer quickly enough for Ingrid, so she confirms the story.  Carmina was indeed the lover of Rosendo.  Agosto turns to Gabby again and asks him to confirm the story.  Gabby confirms it.  Agosto rushes towards the door, then stops when Gabby asks how found out.  Agosto tells him that it doesn’t matter how he found out.  Gabby growls at Ingrid.  She tells him that Agosto might be able to kill Carmina since he couldn’t.  Gabby’s upset because he just destroyed Agosto’s life. 

Casa de Castanon Elisa’s Bedroom:  Elisa is taping the torn picture of her mother and godmother back together.  Dolores attempts to cheer Elisa up as a dead, stuffed and mounted yellow bird looks on at the conversation.  What chick who loves pastels would decorate her room with taxidermy?  Dolores tells her to look at the bright side; the picture can be fixed.  Elisa reminds Dolores that it’s the only picture that she has of her mother and her godmother.  Carmina had no right to rip it up.  Dolores tells Elisa that she doesn’t have to worry about Carmina anymore because her suitcases are packed and at the door. Elisa tells Dolores that the amulet is beyond repair.  Dolores suggests that Elisa ask Ramona to fix it.  Elisa complains that the necklace has only brought her bad luck.  Elisa finally gives in and the two women leave the bedroom.

Casa de Mickey and Mallory:  See what happens when you don’t follow the pimp code/manual?  Your woman gets out of line and talks too much.  Gabby, who has been driven to drink from all of the honesty and forthrightness that occurred today, opens up bottle of Tequila and pours himself a double shot.  Ingrid wants to know how Carmina got knocked up from Rosendo.  Gabby says the baby is dead, so it doesn’t matter.  Ingrid demands that he tells her the truth.  He tells her that it doesn’t matter because they don’t even know if the baby belonged to Rosendo.  Ingrid wants to know why he keeps defending that nut.  She points out that he has kept Carmina’s affair with Rosendo secret for years.  She wants to know what he owes Carmina.  He says that he doesn’t owe Carmina anything.  He’s kept quiet because she scares the bejeebers out of him and he doesn’t want her as his enemy.  Gabby, please turn in your pimp card to the corporate office immediately, if not sooner.  You don’t deserve it.  Gabby’s concerned that Agosto may not be willing to sell him the property anymore.  Ingrid says that she wouldn’t sell it to him either.  The two sit at a little table.  Ingrid twirls her hair.  There’s another knock at the door.  Ingrid, wearing a pair of fabu black Christian Loubotain shoes, opens the door for Gael, who has come to escort her to Kenia’s funeral.  Sidebar:  Gabby was trying to get his freak on with a woman who is about to attend her daughter’s funeral. 

Casa de Arango Damien’s Bedroom:  Alfonsina is trying to play a Jedi Mind Trick on Damien and it looks like she’s succeeding.  She wants to know when he wants the wedding to take place.  He tells her within a couple of weeks.  She tells him that she is going to throw an incredible shindig.  He doesn’t want a big party.  He just wants to get this death sentence over with.  He’ll pull the electric chair lever on himself.  She asks if he’s concerned about Elisa.  He says yes.   She tells him that everyone is responsible for their own happiness.  He says he’s trying to do that by getting married to someone who’s second best and then their moving to Mexico.  She says that he’ll break her heart if he moves to Mexico.  His mother knows that he doesn’t have to live with her, but at least stay in La Ermita.  She tells him that she will give him a great gift and asks if they can talk about it later.   Commercial.

Theme Song:  While I’m waiting for the show to resume.  I wonder what the singers are thinking about Elisa.  Geez, in every other shot she’s making out anywhere and everywhere with either Gael or half- naked Damien.  She’s a little vixen and an exhibitionist.  Virgin my big fat fanny!

Casa de Castanon Foyer:  Dolores spots the shotgun in the foyer.  Agosto returns from speaking with Gabby and Ingrid.  He asks about Carmina's whereabouts.  Dolores tells him that Carmina left with her pink suitcases.  He then asks about Elisa.  She went to visit Paloma.  Agosto looks as if he’s been crying.  He tells Dolores to go find Elisa; he needs to talk to her.   It’s very important.  Dolores rushes out of the house.  Stricken, Agosto walks into his office and opens the liquor cabinet.  Quick!  Someone call his AA sponsor!  He pours himself a big glass of whiskey while waiting for his daughter to arrive.  He almost puts the glass to his lips, but throws it to the floor instead.  The whiskey bottle follows.  Soon, he returns to the liquor cabinet, decides to get rid of his entire stash and tosses all of the bottles to the ground!   He determined to stay on the wagon!  Hurray!  Sponsor not needed after all.  I bet his office looks and smells like Times Square on New Year’s Day.   He walks out. 

Casa de Tovar:  Mrs. Kravitz gives Carmina a napkin for her tea.  Mrs. Kravitz asks about Agosto and Carmina breaks down in tears; her marriage is falling apart.  She blames Elisa for Agosto asking her to leave the house.  Carmina tells Mrs. Kravitz that she has no one and nowhere to go and Agosto doesn’t care.  Mrs. Kravitz tells her that someone is selling their property and suggests that Carmina buy it.  I don’t have any money, Begona.  Carmina asks if she can stay with Mrs. Kravitz, her dear friend (who doesn’t know that Carmina slept with her husband).  It will just be until she solves the problem with Agosto.  Mrs. Kravitz agrees and the two embrace.  Carmina runs home to get her things.  This is not going to be good.  I can tell. 

Witch Mountain:  Sitting at the kitchen table, Ramona is holding her head in her hands when there is a knock at the door.  Elisa steps in without so much as an "andalante" from Ramona.  Ramona tells her that Paloma isn’t there.  Elisa asks her to fix the amulet.  She informs Ramona that Carmina broke it.  Ramona says that she’ll fix it and send it back with Paloma when she arrives.  Elisa notices Ramona depression and asks her what’s up.  She asks Elisa if she has spoken with Agosto yet.  Elisa says no.  Ramona tells Elisa that once she speaks to her father, her life will completely change. 

Cemetery Kenia’s FUNeral:  Padres conducts the burial service.  Only Gael and Ingrid are in attendance.  Gael thanks her for not inviting Gabby.  Ingrid thanks him for not inviting the riff raff from La Ermita.  Padre says that Gael’s friends should be there.  Ingrid blames one of the families for Kenia’s death.  Padre believes that Kenia killed herself and blames Ingrid for her suicide.  He says that Ingrid sucked as a mother.  Ingrid tells Padre not to make her cuss him out at her daughter’s FUNeral.  Padre says that they all know what type of mother she is.  I’m not putting you down for abandoning your son (I’m just rubbing it in); however, I’m talking about how you treated Kenia.  He tells her that Kenia told him everything about how she was raised and Singrid should be ashamed of herself.  Gael tells them that the FUNeral is not the time to argue.  Four men lower the coffin into the ground.  Um, normally I’m on Lupe’s side, but at her daughter’s graveside is not the time to kick Singrid when she’s down.  She looks as if she would like to hit Padre Lupe with the flowers she’s holding, but she tosses them into the gravesite instead.  She’s had it with the conversation.  She tells them that the person responsible for her daughter’s death will pay.  She leaves.  How convenient!  Dr. Tovar is waiting in jeans and a t-shirt with a bouquet of yellow flowers.  She acts surprised that he came.  He’s disappointed that he arrived late to the FUNeral and sighs.  She tells him that they’ve already buried Kenia and acts appalled that no one came (she's evilicious).  He gives her his condolences along with a bouquet of yellow flowers.  He wants her to go with him to lay the flowers on the grave.  She says no because that little angry priest is there and he’ll blab about her abandoning her child and being an unfit mother.  Hell, he told the pallbearers and she don’t even know them.   They embrace and get into his car.  Those Loboutains are not made for walking; they are made for looking fabu.  Commercial.  P.S.  This is not going to be good.  I can already tell. 

Casa de Castanon Elisa’s Bedroom:  Agosto is searching Elisa’s room.  He finds the picture in her night-stand where she usually keeps it.  I really don’t know why he didn’t look there first; he’s found it there before and threatened to destroy it.  He takes the taped up photo of Estefania and Blanca and walks out of the room.  Next, he takes the picture into his room and lays it at the foot of his bed.  He gets down on his knees in front of the photo and tearfully begs his dead wife for forgiveness.

Restaurant:  Our newest inductee is having lunch with her “SSSsssssamor”.  Their having a glass of milk since she can’t legally drink yet.  She asks how long he and Kenia dated.  He’s says a couple of months.  She wants to know why they broke up.  He wants to know why she cares about that.  She tells him that she knows that he knocked up Kenia too.   SsssPaolo denies paternity and says that Kenia was trying to trap him.  She wants him to swear; he’s a good Christian.  He doesn’t swear.  He tells her to stop comparing his relationship to her with his relationship with Kenia.  He gets a little testy and she tells him not to get all worked up.  She won’t bring it up again (this is how she earned her spot on the list).  Kenia has been on her mind since her body was identified floating in the cenote.  He’s totally stunned. 

Cemetary:  Damien stops by the cemetery to pay his last respects as well.  The four men have finished manually filling in the grave since there are no backhoes available in all of La Ermita.  Damien brings in the headstone, a large cross.  He had it made.  Her full name was Kenia Jasso Navarro.  Gael asks how Damien knew.  He hadn’t even told Elisa.  Padre Lupe Kravitz told him.  He felt it was important that Damien knew.  Padre walks off, and Damien and Gael lay the headstone down flat on the pile of dirt.  Damien looks at the grave and recalls his father’s funeral.  Young Damien is hugging his father’s casket.  Gael walks in and touches him on the shoulder, they fist bump and Gael hugs Damien.  Young Damien had tears in his eyes.  Now in the present, they both have tears in their eyes and this time, Damien hugs Gael. 

Bench:  Dr. Tovar and Ingrid are sitting on a bench talking.  She is holding the pretty yellow flowers and intently listening to him.  Little Dr. Tovar really enjoys this attention because he normally can’t say anything when his wife’s around.  Dr. Tovar has to leave; he has patients waiting for him.  She realizes he’s a very busy man and asks to see his bank statements.  You must make a lot of money, says the Gold or Grave Digger.  Yeah, I do pretty well.  She thanks him for coming and hanging out with her.  Dr. Tovar walks away but returns to the bench.  He asks can he see her later on.  She agrees and kisses him on the lips, grabs her flowers and walks away.  He touches his mouth and smiles.  This man is a diabolically insane chick magnet.  We may have to add Dr. Tovar to the Dumb Chick List as well.  Just in case, someone please draft an orientation letter. 

Casa de Castanon Guest Bedroom:  Agosto is still down on his knees begging Estefania to forgive him when Psy-Car-Tic walks in.  Seeing him down on his knees, she walks over and wants to know what’s going on.  She tells him that she’s leaving now and that she’s come back for her things.  Agosto calmly rises to his feet and slaps her into a nearby wall.  Didn’t she learn anything from the Don’t Never Accept her word incident?  Agosto continues to stare at her as if she were a bug.

Procesadora:  Maru is leaving when Don Lucio calls her name.  He tips his hat to her and tells her that he has been waiting to walk her home.   The two walk off arm and arm together.   Instead of going home, he ask her to go to the “Inn” for dinner.  Hmmmmmm  She’s going to a hotel to eat dinner.  Tramp.  She’s old enough to know where that will lead. 

Casa de Castanon Guest Bedroom:  Carmina is sitting on the floor holding her cheek and wants to know why she’s been slapped.  Where should I start?  There’s so many reasons… Oh, she wasn’t talking to me.  Agosto tells her that she’s busted and the jig is up.  He knows that she was the one boinking Rosendo.  He grabs her by the hair and pushes her into a wall.  She begs for forgiveness and tells him that she loves him.  He kinda sorta shoves her onto the bed (more like she voluntarily jumped.  The stunt coordination team didn’t work that out as well as they could have).  Anyways, he climbs on top of her and chokes her.  Agosto pauses to reflect on the accident.  He tells her that she’s the one who should have died in the accident.  She jumps off of the bed and runs out of the room.  He runs after her, but finds her in the hallway (conveniently, right outside of his bedroom door).  He grabs her by her hair and shoves her against the wall again.  He tells her that he isn’t finished killing her yet.  He knows that the baby belonged to Rosendo.  Sueltame!  Basically, he was just knocking her butt down the hallway.  How dare you falsify the Don’t Never Accept it test.  He takes a break (he must be worn out from all of the physical exertion), and grabs a Gatorade before starting round two.  While his is rehydrating, she admits that during the marriage, she might have done a few things wrong like preparing to run off with Rosendo.  She blames that on Agosto for not loving her.  He adored her sister and she couldn’t stand it.  She did it for love.  Ding Ding!  He does a couple of quick stretches, cracks his neck, grabs her hair again and slams her into a wall.  Sueltame!  She frees herself and runs into the office, but she’s just not quick enough.  “You are going to take this whuppin like a man!”  They struggle into another room.  Ohhhh there it is.  Just what were waiting for…another crotch shot.  Once again, she is on her knees and her face firmly planted in his boy bits section.  She begs his boy bits to release her.  She tells him that she has never lied about loving him.  She wants a chance to explain!  I know what you’re thinking, but I can’t add her on list because she’s technically deranged.  She’s the only one with a legitimate excuse.  The others really are dumb.  He tells her that she is going to leave the house with nothing.  He is going to tell everyone what she did to Estefania and Elisa.  Everyone will know that she was Rosendo’s true lover.   He keeps trying to choke her but he can’t get a good grip on her neck.  Geez, I really wish she would quit squirming and let him get her well-deserved murder over with.  He throws her to the ground, but he didn’t think the logistics through.  She falls in front of the shot gun, grabs it and cocks it.  He looks shocked and tells her to drop the shotgun.  He tells her that she is responsible for Estefania’s death and she will pay for what she did to her.  Well, this just may prove to be the last psychotic chick that Agosto ever beats up.  Commercial. 

Casa de Castanon Kitchen:  Horacio has never looked like the kind of guy that is concerned about his hygiene, but OK I’ll take the leap.  Anyways, Horacio is in the kitchen washing his hands when he FINALLY hears all of the commotion in the foyer.  Anywho, Horacio peeks into the foyer and sees Carmina sitting on the floor pointing the shotgun at Agosto .  He steps towards her and tells her that she will pay for what she did to Estefania and demands that she get up so he can expose and beat her a$$ again.  She pulls the trigger and kills him.  Well, I hate to say it, but he had it coming for whuppin’ her like it was an Olympic sport.    Personally, if it were me, I would have shot him twice. 

Witch Mountain:  Meanwhile, over a Witch Mountain, Ramona drops a water pitcher after feeling a sharp pain in her chest.  She picks up the pieces of the broken pitcher from the floor. 

Casa de Castanon Foyer:  Carmina has dropped the gun.  Horacio steps into the foyer, walks around and surveys the body.  Hmmm Horacio could have saved the day, but I guess he had other things to do (like hide) behind the door.  He asks why she did it.  Sprinkled with her husband’s blood, Carmina picks the gun back up and points it at Horacio.  You murdered Don Agosto!  says Horacio.  Carmina continues to point the gun and shakes her head.  She says that she didn’t want to do it.  Technically, I think she can claim self-defense, but then I’m not a lawyer.  Horacio wants to call the police; he looks towards the office.  She cocks the gun again.  Maybe we won’t call the police.  She tells him that if he calls the police, she will tell them that he was involved in Blanca’s murder and that he killed Agosto.  He points out that she is the one holding the shotgun.  She will tell the cops that she took it from him as soon as she saw him kill Agosto.   He says it will be his word against hers.  She says that they will believe her over him because she’ll say that he killed Agosto to prevent him from going to the police about Blanca’s murder.  He asks her not to do that to him.  She thinks it will be better for her if she kills him too.  It will prove that she acted in self-defense.   She keeps the gun pointed on him.  Blood is still on her face. 

Cemetary:  Damien and Gael are walking towards their horses.  Damien asks Gael to break up with Paloma and hook up with Elisa.  He tells Gael that he is going to marry Florencia to get over Elisa.  He admits that he has been using Florencia’s body to make him forget wanting to boink is faux sister (gross again! Man she's your faux sister, get over her!).  Gael tells him that he’s already dumped Paloma and begins to tell Damien that he has made a big mistake by sleeping with Florencia.  Well, somebody had to say it. 

Casa de Castanon Foyer:  Psy-Car-Tic still has the gun on Horacio, but he slowly inches up to her and wrestles the gun away from her.  He is not going to let her pin this whack on him.  She tells him that she has a way out of this, but they both have to agree not to bust one another out.  Carmina notices a paper lying beside Agosto.  She kicks his arm, reaches down and grabs the bloody document. Horacio gives the gun back.  He says that he doesn’t know how they can get out of this one.  She says she does, but they have to work quickly before anyone arrives. 

*Steve Martin (The Jerk)