EL TALISMAN Post Mortem – The Last Gasp - 6-19-12

Post Mortem by Anita, Intrepid Editor in Chief, Freesnow Underground Gazette

Memorable Quotes

“I'm trying to imagine Pigorio's hell à la Dante Alighieri. Doomed to get his bacon scorched and then kicked hard for all eternity by pregnant, pithed off amazons wearing pointy-toed shoes? Rotisseried while having to watch a big screen of all is ex-servants enjoying the good life thanks to El Tal's generous new owner.”  The Cap’n.

“I wish, since Mariana had to die, that her ghost could have stuck around to haunt and taunt the immobile Pig. Or if she was unavailable, repeat visits from Elvira.” Carlos.

“No wait, the new favorite line is: ‘We know from past shows this means he [El Piggorio] has morning sickness and is pregnant.’”  The Cap’n quoting the original quote from Rosemary La Otra’s recap when Don G fainted.

“Everyone grab those feathers and hot wax and I will see you at the boda!”  Rosemary La Otra.

“So much hope, so little delivery. Still, it's been fun mostly because we made it that way. El Tal was a hoot to mock.”  The Cap’n.

“We were coming off a CME high and just assumed its replacement would be a decent substitute. No one told us the editors and continuity guys came over from Maybe I'll Come Home in the Spring. lol Does anyone remember that hallucinogenic movie?”  Rosemary La Otra.

“Nobody told us it was a comedy, either. We just weren't prepared.”  Forgettable quote from Anita.

“Well, the producers and writers deserve no awards, but our actors sure do. Aaron Diaz, for being the first to figure out it was a comedy and running with that, and also for best death scene. Blanca Soto, for perseverance in the face of all adversity. Rafa Novoa, for having the wisdom to be completely stoned throughout the run. Julieta Rosen, for never forgetting her line "el cheque es mio" despite the headbands cutting off the blood to her brain. Lola Ponce, for maintaining her cheer and lust even while wearing strangling tight pants for months.”  Julia.

“A blooper reel would wash some of the angst away -- and I imagine we'll be commenting well into next week and perhaps beyond. It's hard to let go of the oobleck.”  Blue Lass.

How We Might Have Made This TN Better

“I would always have Pedro with a brain, I would have told two actors portraying siblings not to ‘fool’ around until after the TN finished - their relationship was always apparent on screen. I would have given the cops some kind of thinking process if only for one episode. It was just too much of the "good" guys being soooo stupid, it was just too over the top. These writers should know sometimes the good guys do win one and it does not have to be in the last episode.” Nellie

“The first thing I would have done to make this TN better, I would have replaced the directors. The actors are all so wooden. I feel like I am watching a high school play (and that is being generous). It is not the actors or writers fault, it is the directors. Just watch any of the other TN and you see the actors actually moving around and well, just acting.

The second thing I would have done is changed the wardrobe group. The costuming is just ‘wrong.’ Cami in real life is very glamorous so why did they make her look like a throw back to the 60's? Doris always looks bad in whatever she is wearing. Lulu's very high heels make me cringe.” Rosemary Primera

“I wish that we could have visited Rennie's yacht. Surely Oscar has a boat.  I would have had Sarita in a different costume every day.  I would have liked more of Lucrezia, Doris, and Rita. 

More Oscar... he seemed so real.”  Carlos

“Aren't we overdue for a shower scene? The Prince of Darkness needs to take a long drench with some product-placed Suave shampoo and get rid of the grease and the scruff. Maybe if he were clean, he would feel better and behave better.”  Julia

“What to change:  Mariana doesn’t die.  Cut the Fab & Flo storyline. Maybe there should only have been one younger daughter--to make the Doris-Antonio relationship age appropriate.   Antonio should have been clean shaven and curly locked.  He should have been a little more Don Juanish with Camila. He could have wooed her a bit better and provided some conflict for her to choose between nice Pedro and naughty Antonio.

Maria-Angel-Manuel were great but came in too late.  More Rennie-Rita-Oscar-Elvira would have lightened the load of muck we got.  Don Gregorio could have been a more attractive older actor (so we wouldn’t cringe to see him in bed with anyone).  Make Lulu less crazy and more devious.  The whorehouse thing--we enjoyed making fun of it, but as smart as Doris was at accounting, she could have been cooking the books and stealing El Trash right out from under Antonio and Don G and found herself a handsome accomplice like Lucas for fun on the side.

Esteban's mother should have moved to Fresno and she wouldn't have taken and nonsense from Sarita and Gabe (or Elvira).  Claudio and Tia shouldn't have died in the explosion. They should have ended up in the hospital, terrribly wounded.   Claudio still would have had a chance with Flo--oops, forgot, I wrote her out.”  Endless paraphrased blather from Anita.  P.S. Carlos replied that, “Sorry, with GM footing the bill, that cute little Ford had to die a violent death.  Paty and Claudio were collateral damage.”

TAL*MART Grand Finale Sale.  No Refunds.  All Sales Are, Por Fin, Wait For It, Final

Clothing and T-Shirt Department

For Mike ONLY—Special order tee that says, “I can’t believe I watched the first 1/4.”

New tee with  “I can't believe I watched the whole thing!” (or summer porch banner)

New tee with “I'm SO glad it is over!" (also as a coffee mug, heck, make it a banner)

New tee with “I didn’t watch the whole thing, but enjoyed the recaps”

New tee with “They killed Renato! You bastards”

New tee with “Rafa can't possibly be as happy as WE are”

New tee with “Who’s Your Daddy?” (also mugs, ball point pens, and tote bags)

New tee with “POR FIN”

New tee with “The Few - The Slightly Abashed - The Talismaniacs! All for one and one for Alternate Fresno,” designed by Blue Lass

New tee with “The Few, The Proud – The Mighty Bashed, The Slightly Abashed - The Talismaniacs,” modified design by Anita

Cropped leather jacket (à la Lucrazy) with "Talismaniacs Raisin Hell" embroidered on the back

A Multi-colored Amorcito Pear apron for Tracy

Lulu’s red floor-length gown made to look like naughty underwear

The blue off the sleeve dress Camila wore to the wedding; the one she didn't choose after trying them on out shopping with Pedro that day…it was my favorite of the trying on session.

Rita and Rennie’s hand crafted from gently used headbands--short-short-skorts made out of 100% silk (dry clean only) or 100 % cotton

Fine lawn handkerchiefs with MI CHEQUE embroidered on the corner

Large avocado green table napkins with Wait For It, ES MIO stiched in yellow across the middle

Toy Department

Blow-up Glitter Mask Girl doll for Lucas.  Doris is temporarily unavailable

Blow-up Pedro doll for Lucrecia.  Washable, safe for drooling manicomio inmates

Grocery Department

Fresno’s Own Chocolatier™ selling individually, silver foil-wrapped replicas of Beltbuckle's last big meltdown in dark, indio xocoatl.

Holy Guacamole – blessed by the Padre, comes in flash frozen packs.  Defrost, grab some Tostitos from Maria’s kitchen or Ulises stop ‘n shop on LQNPA, dip, scoop and enjoy.

Edible Hats

Cosmetic and Hair Care Products Department

Fresh stock of Insta-Curl, for those desiring the HAIR, or the natural Aaron ‘luke’

Q=Speaking of hair, how about Cam's wedding 'do? That was some massive brioche on her head (attributed to the Cap’n)

A=Suave Products: attaching pastry to women's heads since 1942 (attributed to Blue Lass)

I'm going to go right out and buy some Suave Keratin Infusion Smooth and Shine Feel so I, too, can have el “luke” de Sarita

Special – Today Only

Coupon for The Only Frock ‘n Beauty (& Transplant) Salon™  in Fresno for Camila to get a brain, some pretty clothes and a decent hairdo. She is just plain dull.

Instant wedding kits with overnight delivery; crate includes strapless satin dress, rings, champagne, a selection of elegant foods on trays, flowers, and Suave hair smoother.  Kevlar vests sold separately.

Book, CD and DVD Department

New children’s nighttime story book, "Gregorio’s Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Slumber Party."

The New Spanish-English Telenovela dictionary, complete with screenshots of important guapos and galanes (and gallinas).

New Hercule Poirot mystery series set in Fresno.  In the first, One Big Yellow Underdog Pig, the famed Hercule arrives in Fresno by air to clear up a great mystery.  He checks into The Only Hotel Inn™ Fresno to take on the case of “What *was* the rivalry between the two great families from El Tal and El Alca” all about.  He rents a car and driver, then makes a courtesy call to El Capitán.  Mais oui, pour bonne chance, Le Capitaine aussi parle français.  The only clues he has are feathers, poison, a giant beltbuckle, some interesting glitter masks, avocado pits and some kinky leather pants.  He goes to see Brigitte at the Ho-House first.  He’s pretty sure she has all the answers.  Regrettablement, on his way to see her he has an accident when his automobile collides with an old turquoise colored Chevy.  While he’s in hospital being treated by Dr. Raúl, he learns that this mis-story was made into a non-award winning Spanish-language telenovela intentionally dumbed down for English-speaking audiences trying desperately to improve their Spanish.  Disappointed, he books a flight on the first plane back to France.  However, before he can leave, Le Capitaine calls him for help on “The Case of the Missing Pants.”  It had been assigned to Hawt Detective, but he’s been transferred to foot patrol.

Downloadable video of Rita and Rennie’s Awesome Crotch Shots (rated PG-13—suitable for the F¹ and F² girls, but not Santiagito)

A complete set of Aaron’s 10 favorite Westerns.  Uncensored shoot ‘em dead in clouds of dust, blood and palpitating heart scenes.  Individual DVD’s also available for rent from Tal*Martflix.

Angel Motivational CDs for listening while driving between Fresno and LA or Tijuana, "How to keep your avocados and your brains while surrounded by lunatics and high-pitched shrieking."

Miscellaneous Department

100% suede boda bag with leather, beaded fringe, tastefully leather-tooled on the front, “Who’s Your Daddy?” The reverse has a blank space for the purchaser to fill in.

Clearance on body bags.  Some clerk made a typo in the order.  It should have been bod-A bags (see above for detailed description of previous order).

Magic Eraser to get those pesky marker lines off your monitor (after you finish the Name Game)

Leftover Peacocks and Peahens.  They breed profusely, so in order to keep the population in check, substitute marble eggs (the hen is too stupid to know the difference, except she can count, so make sure you do before making substitutions*).  Fertilized peacock eggs are not that tasty, but in a pinch, they can be fed to El Piggorio.  *this is true

Fresno Yacht Club Grand Finale Celebration Glassware, from shot glasses to supersize.  If you are lucky, one of them will have an exact duplicate of MI CHEQUE in it, although it has no value.

Slightly used Yacht, for sale by Oscar, who is moving to Montana.

Julia’s Secure Locks, a Best Buy, but hardly ever used appropriately.

Reformulated Luminol—picks up bacon grease stains

New line of sympathy cards by Ufforea™ (what Pedro felt when this was over).  Appropriate for both the dead, the un-dead, the newly dead and the nearly dead cast and crew of El Talismán.

Just in—Por Fin™ anti-plaga spray, guaranteed to cure all those aflicted (Expires, oh, shoot, it expired 6-15-12).