Abismo de pasión #65 6/12/12: King of the Toads

Episode 65 - King of the Toads

June 12, 2012

Prologue

Date: Nine months earlier.

Location: Ciudad de Mexico

Deep in the bowels of the mysterious Televisa offices in D.F., a lonely and lowly scribe toils. He is not old, but his posture might make you think he is. He is hunched over an ancient desktop computer in a windowless basement room. The huge machine, running Microsoft Office 2004, lurches through yet another spell check. It’s running, running, running. His rheumy eyes roll heavenward as he spots the time—it’s 3:30 AM. He watches the little hourglass on the machine. It’s running, running, running.

The scriptwriter looks desperate as he falls to his knees beside the computer. “Virgencita, I swear, if you will keep this machine from crashing, I promise, I swear, I will stop using the ‘Elisa cries’ device.”

Tears fall down his face. He is ashamed. He knows he can do better. He cries, “But dear Lady Maria, What was I to do? They brought me a perfectly good script to refry, I admit it. I was so relieved! Our consumer research said the show was a popular favorite from the 90’s (we were able to find on-line comments from that bell-weather genius, Jarocha, from Veracruz, indicating that the original telenovela had been one of her favorites).

Then the MARKETING guys came down from the 19^th floor. They said that updating the old script was all fine and good for us creative types but we needed to stretch the material by 20%—with no additional budget for extra writers to take up the slack! So, I spent a little more time on the La Anita business as product placement and if the camera lingered a little too long on the procesadora, the habaneros, the cenote, and the local scenery, well, I won’t apologize for that. Those things eat up screen time and we don’t have to pay them union scale.

“But then,” and the scriptwriter’s voice catches in a sob, then Carmina threw a crutch at my continuity person and now she’s out for a month, Gabino menaced one of the young writers and he filed a sexual harassment lawsuit (he wishes!!!) and my faithful co-writer up and got herself knocked up and is on MATERNITY leave? I’ll bet Caridad Bravo Adams never had to deal with this stuff back in the day! Who ever heard of such a thing?”

The Virgin, for her part, remains silent. “Madrecita, por favor, have pity on this weak man. I confess, here is how it came down. I was up on the set watching Angelique, and she had to redo a take three times. This is very unlike her, I must say, that woman is as ambitious as hell and a TOTAL professional, but CAN SHE CRY. She can cry while she’s telling a joke, cry while she’s pulling on her boots or cry while she’s having an in-between-scenes smoke.

I couldn’t help it, Santa Maria, the temptation was too great. My mind began to do the math. Let’s see, I have to write for 42 minutes of screen time, but if I add in an ‘Elisa crying scene’, say two-minutes, OK, three minutes, once, no twice a script. Whew, Mother Maria. I could just feel myself relax. Lady, that meant writing only 36 minutes of dialogue a day! After I added in a few more shots of Sergio lounging about shirtless and depressed (he’s always up for that), Alfonsina badmouthing Elisa (easy as pie—cut and paste) I was down to 30 minutes a day.

Holy Mother, I knew there were some risks. Those pesky fans on Caray Caray are always agitating for action and plot movement or romance.  Good grief. They also have a problem with stupidity and idiot heroines. I could tell them, if they would listen, Elisa isn’t stupid, she is just being written that way.

I know, Lady Mother that these last few weeks’ episodes will have pushed them too far. But if you will just let this computer not crash…I’ll try to clean up my act. I swear…”

The computer rumbles and whirls as if a baby bird is caught inside. The young writer’s rosary beads click at a furious pace as he continues to implore the Virgen of Guadalupe for her help.  Finally with a soft garumphh the computer screen changes, the small hourglass icon disappears, and a note pops up, indicating that the spell check is complete.

Immediately, the exhausted writer falls to his knees and sketches a quick sign of the cross, while placing his rosary back ‘round his neck and kissing the crucifix. Having said his thanks, he is already sending the script file to the printing room upstairs to be printed and bound.

He glances at the clock as he gathers up his things to go home. It’s 3:55 A.M. Perhaps he will remember his promises as he writes future episodes of Abismo de Pasion. Perhaps he won’t.

Today’s Recap

This Very Day In La Ermita, Yucatan

Don Augusto Castañon opens the door to ING who reintroduces herself as Ingrid Navarro, the mother of Gael—and Kenia. Augusto starts out with a bang, reminding her about of parenting skills, asking why, for example, she abandoned her child Gael with Lupe. But Ingrid fires back with the big guns—Kenia is a minor and he is much older than she is. If ‘Gusto doesn’t leave Kenia alone she will contact the authorities.

It’s a Bitch Being Under Age and Having a Bad Useless Mommy

Ingrid makes the quick trip to from Casa Castañon to Kenia’s. Right away she notices the beautifully set table, the flowers, she smells the cooking. Ingrid tells Kenia that she knows she is preparing for an evening with the Viejo Augusto.

Kenia complains bitterly to her horror of a mother for interfering in her life.  Sadly, here, for just this once, Ingrid has the right side of it. Ingrid, quite correctly says that Kenia is a minor and if Augusto continues bothering her daughter she will denounce him (to the police). Boy is that a mixed bag of ironies. Do they have an emancipated minor status in Mexico? Won’t Kenia be 18 sometime soon?

It’s a Headline! Gusto Catfood Wants To Separate From Carmina

Meanwhile, ‘Gusto Cat Food tells Carmina that they cannot keep fighting, so he has taken a decision. He wants to separate from Carmina. Yippee.

Here’s Augusto’s song. If you play an instrument, play along! If you sing, hum a few bars. All of us want to support Assgusto in THIS decision.

King of the Toads

Sung to the tune of Roger Miller’s ‘King of the Road’

Got me an orange wife for rent.

The garden’s big, you can pitch a tent.

Can’t make up your mind—Need some help?

Carmina’s got Five Stars on YELP!

It say’s right here, “Two hours of bouncing tan,

Made P. Landucci a happy man.”

Am I a bad man? By no means!

I’m the King of the Toads!

Child Elisa surely ain’t mine

All she does is weep and whine

The way that woman whinges

Is it any wonder if I cringes?

She’s always trying to hug on me,

Lookin’ for my sympathy,

Am I a good Papa? By no means!

I’m the King of the Toads!

Girlfriend Kenia’s hot for me.

Like I told Ingrid, “She’s WAY past puberty!”

“She’s 17 if she’s a day

Who cares about age anyway?”

Today I’ll tell her to back down

That’ll keep her from coming ‘round!

Am I a good amante? By no means!

I’m the King of the Toads!

Last week I shot Damian.

Firearms accident can really hurt a man,

Take him from a respected Don,

To an incarcerated Con.

Plus, if that shot’d gone wider and higher

Dam’d be the new soprano in ‘Lupe’s choir!

Am I a good shot? By no means!

I am the King of the Toads!

Girlfriend Kenia’s hot for me.

Like I told Ingrid, “She’s WAY past puberty!”

“She’s 17 if she’s a day!”

“Who cares about age anyway?”

I am the King of the Toads! I am the King of the Toads! I am the King of the Toads!

Elna June

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

A Masked Visitor with a paper bag on her foot hobbles her way over to the Augusto table…

Whew! OH MAN. Carlos por me a drink. This has got me waxing hopeful. I am giddy that he is leaving  the Tiny Brown Spider.

Now maybe he’ll have time to get to a Costco store and get his glasses fixed. That will make it easier for me to write recaps without having to consider the possible deeper meanings or themes implied in the broken/obscured vision trope suggested by the star shape in the ruined eyeglasses. (You people who find this meaningful can head over to the rickety table hosted by the Alan Ginsburg look-alike twin Profs from NYU and UCLA Film Schools. The drink of choice over there is a triple espresso with a straight up tequila chaser.

I’ll bet’Gusto can find AA meetings in the basment of ‘Lupe’s church. I know a whole table of really kind (and very funny) people who are ready to believe the best of him if he heads over to the Patio of Lowered Expectations.

The Boring Tovars

Edmundo and Begonia have lunch. They flirt a bit before she starts mindlessly discussing town happenings . He still has feelings for her but he gets mad when her incessant gossiping brings Carmina. Augusto, etc. to their table. He gets mad and walks out of the restaurant. Big yawn.

One Line Songs

·      Ramona tells Paloma that she does not own Gael. He is not her property. I LOVE RAMONA.

·      Ingrid strolls her annoying assets back into the Blue House of Shame. Gabino and Ingrid fuss and fight about telling Gael about his father. If they do that  then she won’t get another cent out of Alfonsina.  Gabino, thinking back, perhaps, to his ass-chewing by Alfonsina earlier, says she is not going to get another cent out of Alfie anyway, but Damian will put out. Not while Alfonsina is alive….

·      Alfonsina and Flo gossip about Paolo having it bad for Carmina  Bouvier. Meanwhile Carmina has dinner with Guido and asks for his help. She cries and mumbles something about her marriage being ruined by Paolo.

·      Alfonsina recruits Chente to be her personal spy. He is to report all meeting of Damian and Elisa.

·      Meanwhile anvils line up as Lolita reminds Horacio that she knows almost nothing about him. He looks impactada and then tells her he has never been married. Why? Because he takes marriage very seriously. Run, Lolita, run!

Gael Asks Elisa to Be a Friend but Elisa is Still Being Written as Stoopid

Gael asks Elisa to talk to Damian about everything that is happening.  Elisa continues stoopid. She she tells him that she prefers Damian to continue to believe that she and Gael have a relationship.

Whaat? Honest to Gawd, people.  This isn’t just stupid, Elisa, it is downright mean. But Gael, who is supposed to be the rube here,  gets upset and tells Elisa that is unwilling to continue with this farce. I love Gael. He tells her he needs to mature, too. He won’t play her game. After all he has done for her she just wants to use him. Ouchee. That must really hurt.

Paloma’s SQUEE is Heard All the Way to Petaluma

Gael seeks Lupe’s advice because Gael is hopping mad.  He has feelings for someone who doesn’t correspond. Padre assures him that this has happened before and that Gael should move on.

Right at this moment, Paloma comes to see Gael for a talk. Paloma is confused. Damian and Elisa have told her two different stories—Dam told her that Gael and Elisa were novios. Elisa said this was not true. Gael tells her that Elisa told the truth. Gael and Elisa are NOT novios.

Paloma starts to cry. She wanted to believe Elisa. She has always been her friend.

Then she starts babbling  Does the girl have NO pride? I guess not…Well, after seeing the People in Español photo of Mark  I would probably grovel too, if a) My spoken Spanish were better, b) I was 30 years younger, c) and 30 pounds lighter. “At least you are free,” Paloma natters. “I wish I could respond”, he says gently. “Why can’t you try to see me with other eyes?” Paloma asks Gael to be given an opportunity as a NOVIA. After some wrinkling of his handsome brow he says yes, they're going to try! She SQUEES and kisses him full of happiness .......

Kenia Comes Calling For…Elisa

When ‘Gusto told Elisa that nothing is going on with Kenia, naïve Elisa says that she knows this (more stoopid from the bad writers) as she pledges her misguided loyalty to Augusto with a Buenos Dias and leaves his office to the front bell ringing.

She opens the door to Kenia who wants to see…ummm..yeah…Elisa. Yeah, she is worried about Elisa. No, of course the rumours are exxagerated, there is nothing going on. Oh, the scandal that Carmina is making.

Elisa says Augusto is in his study and doesn’t not want to see anyone. Maybe he’ll see Kenia? No, Kenia thinks that is a bad idea. Later, she calls him on the phone. He does not think they should talk. She is a minor! (Well. ‘Gusto, she was a minor in age when you kissed her in front of the Mayor, his Horse and everybody on the street last week! What were you thinking then????) He is not looking for any more problems in his life. Yep, Ingrid has him spooked. Guess he did not think much of that carcel chow.

Augusto runs into Camina as she comes in late. She tries to explain where she has been, but ‘Gusto is not interested. Desamor for sure.

Paolo Is A Loser Except When He Looks In Mirror

Moments after Augusto has bid Carmeana goodnight and headed to his room,  Paolo, who has been following Carmina,  tries to push right past Carmina into her house. (LOCK the door behind you, Carmina.) She resists him, calls him stupid, berates him and shoves him right out the front door. When he is not being a rapey-snake what does Paolo do?

Bereft, Paolo goes down to the Cantina and makes friends with a good looking bottle of tequila. They become intimate as he finishes at least one bottle and sleeps prettily at a table in the bar. His head is turned to the side and not face down with slack arms in ‘Gusto Catfood’s favorite overnight position. No, we in Vierville do not feel sorry for him as the proprietor offers him a cafecito with his bill as morning sun streams in through the bar’s open shutters.

The Tovar Family Sup Together

Begonia gets all dressed up for dinner at home with the whole family but Edmundo is delayed. It almost doesn’t happen.  At dinner Begonia had to stop Sabrina from gossiping for Edmundo’s sake. Edmundo doesn’t stay for dessert. Meh.

Guido and Alfonisina Breakfast Together

They talk about Paolo’s problems with Carmina and Guido’s recent meeting with the Tiny Brown Recluse. Alfie wants to know why Guido did not trust her with this information before.

Guido is worried about Paolo. He is obsessed with this woman, Carmina. When their parents died, he tells Alfie, he felt responsible for Paolo, his little brother. If Paolo goes back to Mexico he, Guido, will go with him.

La Procesadora

Thirty second shot of peppers being processed in a machine. Really eats up the screen time. Damian and anf Flo walk in to the office. Damian has a visitor waiting. It is Elisa!

Elna June

June 12, 2012

Happy Birthday Margaret!