Caray, Caray!

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Casa Castañon:

Gunshot!

Lolita and Carmina let themselves into Augusto’s office – María Santísima, they had a key the whole time – and…it turns out he shot the wallpaper. “I’m a coward!” he sobs. Yeah, no kidding. What a waste of chili peppers.

The Citrus Sister hangs around to try to cheer him up as only she can. “She’s not worth suffering over; just forget about her. But meanwhile, what shall we do with her inconvenient corpse?” Augie says Estefanía will never enter this house again, nor will he ever speak her name. Coz that’s what love means, right?

[Poor Estefanía. I will miss her. She’s the only telenovela gal I’ve seen who can walk across the room in high hells without looking like a ten-dollar rental.]

Carmina goes out to tell the Body Squad to take her sister away. Blanca shows up with Elisa and tells them to take the body to the church for a funeral mass. Carmina starts to argue with her, pointing out that they are not a Catholic family, but Blanca is having none of it. Estefanía has been Catholic for a long time. Blanca wins.

[All of this calls the whole Linda-Blair-in-the-confessional scene into question, of course. Clearly Carmina is not Catholic, so she shouldn’t have been in there to begin with. And why would the Padre be bound to keep quiet about anything BeelzeBarbie says? Oh well; I guess it isn’t any weirder than the fact that the baby birds started out as parrots and ended up as doves.]

Meanwhile, Augie starts drinkin’. Well, somebody had to – it’s telenovela law, you know.

Church and Cemetery:

Rosendo’s funeral is very well attended, while Estefanía is off in a side-chapel with only Elisa, Lolita, Lucio and Blanca, and the Padre to attend her. Naturally both parties end up in the cemetery at the same time, and naturally – or unnaturally, I guess I should say – Alfonsina makes a big scene. She refuses to enter until the Castañon party has vacated the premises. When Damián moves forward to comfort Elisa, Alfie announces in front of God and everybody that he is forbidden to have anything to do with “the daughter of the woman who killed your father.” [What is with this chick? Did she get blackballed from the Little Chili Peppers sorority in junior high?] Padre Lupe finally shakes himself out of his dreamy trance and tells her to shut up. In the nicest possible way, of course.

Lucio, in a very classy move, asks Gael to escort the ladies back to Casa Castañon (they have been joined by Ramona and Paloma at this point.) He and Blanca will stay for the burial of Don Rosendo.

Later at Casa Arango:

The Padre brings Damián the amulet his father was wearing when he died. He thought he would want to have it. As the Padre leaves – he sure looks cute in his little dress! – Damián gets his mother’s abandoned amulet and holds the two together in his hand.

Gabino comes to pay his respects and tell Doña Alfonsina that he is at her service. [You know, that Gabino could be a bit of all right if he’d cut his hair and suds his pits a little. But I digress.] She accuses him of being complicit in her husband’s affairs, but he says that doing what he was told did not mean he approved. All right, then, you want to help? Cancel the contracts with the Castañon farm. I don’t want anything to do with those people ever again.

Back at Casa Castañon:

Carmina tells Gael to beat it; they don’t feel like socializing. Always the hostess. Meanwhile, Lucio berates Augusto – come out of your office already! Think of your daughter! Looks like wardrobe has given Augie a second fright wig to wear on top of the first one; no wonder he doesn’t want to go out. As he leaves, Lucio confronts Carmina about the amazing coincidence of her and Rosendo planning to leave town at the same time. “I had nothing to do with that man,” she says. Oh yeah? Then why were you arguing that day at the procesadora? Well, of course I went to tell him to stay away from my sister. “I don’t believe a word of it,” Lucio says. “And I hope one day God will make it all clear.” Honey, you better hope she doesn’t take to killin’, coz you’ll be number one on the list.

Entre las Dos Casas:

Presumably these houses are only about 14 feet apart, because people seem to teleport between them. Gabino catches Carmina skulking around the hallway and takes the opportunity to blackmail her – you’d better pay me off, or everyone will know it was really you who caused all this mess. She poofs back to her sister’s bedroom, where she raids the jewelry box. This better shut him up, she says to herself in the mirror, or I’ll kill him. Gabino moves to number one! Guau, that didn’t take long.

Elisa confronts her auntie about what she’s doing in Mom’s bedroom. Carmina says you mouthy little brat, your mama was too permissive with you, that’s the problem – from now on things will be different. Unfortunately, we believe her.

At the Church:

Ramona tells the padre that she was present at the accident and that the car was returning to La Eremita, not leaving -- and also she heard Steffi’s last words, something like, “I had to stop him, or them.” What’s more, she overheard Rosendo earlier in the day arguing with a woman who was definitely not Steffi. “Who was it? Who? Who?” squeaks the padre, apparently suffering a bout of amnesia (or misplaced professional discretion.) Sorry, I didn’t see her face. [You're going on the list sooner or later, hon, but for now we'll write your name in pencil.]

At the Blue House:

Carmina shows up to pay Gabino off with a pearl necklace. What am I supposed to do with this? It’s not like I can sell it. That’s what you get, she says; it’s all I have. What about this house? Don Rosendo put it in your name. [Yeah, it’s so much easier to sell a house than a necklace. No wonder you’re such a captain of industry.] She says don’t play games with me – you’ve got as much to lose as I do. If I tell Alfonsina how deep you were into all this subterfuge, there’s no way you’ll ever be the Big Chili Pepper at the factory, and there go your delusions of grandeur. She tells him he makes her sick and marches out to the front patio, where she really does look sick.

Penultimate Shocker:

That nasty little Begoña visits Alfonsina and manages to insinuate – hell, she actually comes out and says – that Augusto knew about the “affair,” he was wildly jealous, and she wouldn’t be surprised if he provoked the accident somehow. Which means, of course, that Augusto killed your husband. Shouldn’t he pay for that? Huh? Shouldn’t he? Guess she didn’t get into the Little Chili Peppers either. And they probably drew a mean picture of her on the playground sidewalk.

Ultimate Shocker:

Carmina topples backward on the church steps and her eyes roll back in her head, which is to say, she looks the same as usual – horizontal and crazy – but for once she’s not running her mouth, so they get worried and take her to the doctor. ¡Sorpresa! You’re pregnant...Señorita. Wonder how long it will take Mrs. Dr. Begoña to shop that all over town? Orangina better get fizzy in a hurry – and we know with whom…

Labels: abismo

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