Caray, Caray!

We open with a repeat of yesterday's episode, in which Diana walks into to Victor Bracho's office. "Good news! After less than 24 hours of stellar performance, you have earned yourself a raise! I'm the owner of this fine establishment and can do as I please." I think this is the "import business'" version of the casting couch. Diana says she believes in earning her promotions. "No hay problema," says Victor. "Do you know how to kiss well?" Diana, who seems to have picked up Larry's intellect, truly seems surprised. A wrestling match ensues on the desk. Just when things are looking truly bad for our beautiful but dumb heroine, who should "just happen" to drop by but Diego. God's gift to Human Resources. He hears the screams of his beloved, and bursts into Victor's office, slugging Victor. We seem to have a pattern here.

***Beefcake alert*** Max and Emili-Oh are at the beach without shirts, showing off their pecs. Where has Emili-Oh been all these episodes? Probably hiding under some shapeless suit. Max is doing push-ups on a ledge. Emili-Oh stupidly asks Max if he is still trying to see Diana and questioning Diana's true motives. "Yes I want to see her, but she wants nothing to do with me. She puts up barriers because I'm married. That tells me she loves me for my mind and not my wallet." "Are you wanting to marry her?" asks Emili-oh. "Yes, of course." Emili-Oh makes some comment, I believe, to the effect that Octave will kill them. Max says he no longer has a bull's eye painted on him; Larry has taken his place on the wall of shame by running off and getting married in Vegas to a servant. Gaby. Diana's sister.

The fight continues at Bracho Importing. Lot's of yelling. Who should appear but Mrs. Victor Bracho. "What is the meaning of this?" asks Mrs. Victor. Victor has some 'splaining to do. It takes all of a millisecond for Mrs. V to figure out what's been going on. Diego tells her Victor is a pig. Diana tells Mrs. V she's a new receptionist and Victor was trying to take advantage of her. Diego and Diana exit stage right. Mrs. V says it's always the same thing with Victor. "I'm tired of you making a fool of me." She then pulls out a gun and starts waving it around. By now the other women are trying to wrestle the gun away from her. Victor runs off and she calls him a coward. You can tell who controls THAT relationship.

Now Emili-Oh and Max are running on the beach, still showing off their shirtless bods. Max says he wants to take Diana out on his boat tomorrow. Emili-Oh tells him storms have been predicted. "No problem," says our feckless hero, "Imagine this, Diana and I trapped in the middle of a storm at sea. She'll be scared and I'll be able to take her in my strong arms." ***Eeeewwww. This is too disgusting to write.*** Emili-Oh (who I'm starting to like more and more now) tells Max he needs therapy. I couldn't have put it better myself!

Camila shows up in Andres' office wearing some skimpy leopard print halter, borrowed from Jos on Mundo de Fieras. A--"Did you bring the money?" C—"Well no. . ." A—Then you can leave the way you came in." Camila says she has something better, a bracelet valued at more than $20,000. Andres asks if it's fake. Camila says, "Any moron can tell it's real." Andres tells her to quit with the insults. He wants to take the bracelet to a jeweler for an appraisal. C—"Why don't you trust me? You don't think I'm capable of having a bracelet such as this?" A—"Why would I trust a woman who abandons her child? If you don't let me get it appraised, then I'm not telling you Diana's secret. Take it or leave it." Camila says "Fine, get it appraised. Then when you find out how valuable it is, call me and tell me the secret." Now here's a guy I'd trust with an expensive piece of jewelry and just his word!"

We're now at a family pow wow with Peyote, Octave, D/M, Bruno, Max and Yolanda. They are discussing finding a new nurse to help with D/M's therapy. D/M is campaigning to have Bruno help her. "What do you think, Max?" Max is silent. Octave suggests he is thinking about the nurse who's a thief. "What are you talking about?" asks Bruno (as if she didn't know). Octave delights in repeating once again that Diana stole her valuable bracelet. Max, as usual, denies Diana is a thief. This would have probably gone on all night, but we are saved by the doorbell. Max tells Octave "If you think you're in a bad mood now, you ain't seen nothing yet!"

In struts Luscious Larry, in that black jacket I love so much, holding Gaby's hand. I must say, his fashionably ripped jeans do nothing for me. You can tell I am no fashionista. Octave tells him to get out. "Not so fast, Mommie Dearest. I have an announcement to make. Gaby is my wife!" Everyone but Max is impactadas! Lots of "looks" exchanged. Peyote gets a huge grin on her face.

Diego and Diana are chatting in Granny's house. Diana thanks him for saving her from that disgusting pig Victor Bracho. Diego apologizes for sending her into the lion's den for at least the third time. "I'm always going to take care of you," says Diego. Then we have the usual conversation with Diana telling him she doesn't love him, him asking her to give him a chance, blah, blah, blah. He tries to lean in for a kiss, but she backs away. Diego begs her "Don't think of me as a friend, think of me as a man!" Right now I'm thinking of him as neither. After Diego leaves, Diana says a prayer asking God to help her forget Max and to let her love Diego. "The noblest of men."

Back to the festivities at Irascible Mansion. Octave asks Larry if this is a joke. "Nope," says Larry, "Gaby is now an Irascible!" "Never!!!!" screams Octave. After more heated exchange between mother and son, Peyote walks up to Gaby and happily says, "Welcome to the family!" The theatrics continue way too long. Octave says, "What do I know, I'm just the owner of the house." "As a matter-of-fact, you're not," retorts Max. "When dad died, the house went to us children. Larry has every right to stay with his wife." More theatrics as Gaby stands there cowering in Luscious Larry's armpit. Finally Yolanda steps in and steers Octave out of the room. Larry asks Lala to prepare a guestroom for Gaby. Poor Gaby is to remain the Virgin Bride.

Andres calls Diana and tells her she needs to visit Doc Evil tomorrow at the hospital. If she doesn't do what they say, they'll tell Max she's a thief who tried to kill Doc Evil. Not only that, what we say at your trial is dependent upon your cooperation. Diana tries to protest, to no avail. Granny walks in and asks Diana why she's so upset. Diana tells her about Andres blackmailing her.

Andres and Doc Evil gloat about their plans for Diana, when she meets them the next day. Andres says they have her in the palm of their hands. Doc Evil asks Andres if Diana will show. "Oh, she'll be here alright!" says Andres confidently. They high-five one another as visions of Diana dance in their heads.

Now Octave is ranting to Yolanda about Larry. Peyote is in the room with them smirking. Octave is wearing some tight-fitting white jacket that doesn't close in the front. As far as I can tell, she is not wearing a camisole or anything else under it. Octave is raving about Larry embarrassing the family, etc. Peyote steps in and tells Octave she thinks it's great that Larry married a servant. This is the new millennium, come join us. "No one cares about these sorts of things any more. Quit taking your frustrations out on us!" The fight escalates and Octave hauls off and slaps Peyote. The bell rings, they come out swinging and the fight is on! Lots of slapping and arms flailing, as they go crashing onto the bed. Octave is not wearing the type of clothes to be doing this sort of activity. Larry and Max run in and try to pull the combatants to opposite corners. Peyote tells Octave she's crazy. Finally Peyote storms out, just about knocking over the television camera as she runs by. In fact, she may have knocked it over because now another camera is on Octave. Octave screams "You are not my children!!!!"

Bruno and D/M are marveling at everything that has transpired this evening. Peyote stomps down the stairs yelling about her mom needing a straight jacket. Meanwhile, Octave is now yelling at Max and Larry. Max tells her she's being hysterical. "You're dang right I am. First a filthy nurse and now a servant! Where have I gone wrong?!" Octave is apoplectic. She finally collapses and Larry and Max carry her to the bed.

Lala and Gaby are in the guestroom listening to the fight. Finally all is quiet in Octave's room. Gaby confesses to Lala about how Larry whisked her off her feet to Las Vegas to get married, but then dumped her in the hotel room while he drank himself into a stupor in the bar. Gaby says she feels wretched about the whole experience.

Diana and Granny are still discussing Diana's predicament. Granny tells Diana not to go to the hospital alone. Diana says something about Diego being volatile. Diana says she has to confront Andres and Doc Evil alone and face her destiny.

D/M is doing her usual nasally whine to Bruno about how Diana has ruined everything between her and Max. Now that Gaby is an Irascible, Diana will inevitably come back to the house. Bruno tells D/M that Octave will never allow it. D/M responds that Octave is all bark and no bite. It's going to be up to D/M to destroy Diana.

Isabel is trying to get the RM (the real Marfil) to eat. Marfil tells Isabel how evil her twin sister is and that Deborah will never let Marfil resume her place as Max's wife. Debora is capable of murder. Isabel doesn't believe it. Besides, Bruno would never let it happen. RM suggests a deal. RM has a boatload of money in the bank, that Max put in her name. If Isabel gives her physical therapy and helps her walk again, she will reward Isabel handsomely.

Some how Octave has changed into a black Frederick's of Hollywood negligee. Max, Larry and Yolanda are still in her room. I'm not quite sure who all was involved with this change of costume. They talk her into getting some sleep. O tells Larry she'll never forgive him for the humiliation he has caused the family. Larry apologizes repeatedly, kisses her hand and leaves. Max tries to get O to forgive Luscious Larry. It was something he did on impulse. Pilar drove him to it.

Peyote is walking along the shoreline, in the middle of the night, repeating "I hate you, Octave, I hate you!!" Suddenly, out from the depths of the ocean, comes the creature of the black lagoon. I swear this scene was stolen from some B-Movie. Make that a C-Movie. It is Pancho! Peyote couldn't be happier. Pancho—"What are you doing here, a society girl like you walking along the beach alone in the middle of the night?" Peyote—"Looking for you. . ." They fall in a heap on the sand and start rolling into the water. I'm sure both actors had a wonderful time removing all that sand from every orifice when the scene was done.

Diana is praying to the Virgincita to save her.

Gaby is sleeping in the guestroom when Octave jumps on her and banishes her to the servants' quarters to sleep.

Diana is leaving the house when Max shows up. She tells him she has a doctor's appointment and needs to catch the bus. He says he won't take no for an answer. Off they go in his yellow Corvette convertible. Diego happens to be walking down the street when he sees Diana getting into the car with Max. Mutual glares are exchanged.

Nancy walks in to Gaby's old room and asks if it's true Gaby is now married to Larry. "Sure is," says Gaby. Lala walks in and tells Nancy to go clean something. Lala asks what Gaby is doing in the servants' quarters. Gaby tells Lala that Octave threw her out of the guestroom.

Now we're following Max and Diana at the marina. Max seems to be the liveliest I've seen him. He's got that "I Feeeeeel Good" James Brown spring in his step. He brings her to the family yacht, which looks like a regular boat to me. She half-heartedly tries to make excuses…the doctor appointment…a storm is coming…but Max won't take "no" for an answer. The doctor appointment can wait and we'll be back before the storm hits. Lots of foreshadowing for the loyal viewing public. He sends Diana to the head to change. He apparently has Larry's knack for picking out perfectly fitting clothes for the Soriano sisters.

Peyote tries to sneak back into the house the next morning. She is clearly doing the "walk of shame." Her hair is no longer curled and she seems to have lost some of her makeup. Octave catches her and starts in with 50 questions. "Who were you with? Rene?" "No mom, I was with someone else." The conversation goes downhill from there and Octave backhands Peyote yet again. Peyote has had enough of being Mommie Dearest's punching bag for all the evils of the world and lets Octave know just how she feels.

Caramel is on the deck waiting as Pancho slithers home the next morning. "Where were you? Diego said you didn't sleep here last night." P—"I was working late. I didn't tell you about it because I know you want out of the business." C—"I want US out of the business." They talk about her stealing his clothes, etc. She asks if he was with another woman. "Of course not!" lies Pancho. Lots of flirting back and forth and talk of a future marriage. "I'm yours, all yours," says Pancho. Life is good in Caramel's little world. In Pancho's, too.

Back to the boat and Diana in the little bikini Max has picked out for her. She's referring to him in "usted" form. He's telling her to use "tu." Now he's getting all breathy as he's telling her he loves kissing her and tasting her lips. She's trying to deflect his compliments. The usual between these two dolts. She's worried about the storm. He's saying it won't hit until later. "It's a beautiful day" as suspenseful music plays in the background. Diana looks nervous. Max looks frisky.

Doc Evil is asking Andres where in the heck is Diana. Andres says he's been trying to reach her by phone without success. Neither of them is happy at the moment and they are vowing to pay Diana back for making fools of them.

Queue the boat with Diana as a hood ornament in her bikini. Max all smiles. Diana all smiles. Lots of sappy music playing in the background (namely Max and Diana's theme song). Laughter. More smiles. Looks of love. Etc.

The fight between mother and daughter continues in Peyote's room. Octave is wearing an extremely low-cut tight top. One sleeve is sort of capped and the other side is a spaghetti strap. Octave calls her daughter a tramp. Peyote calls her mom a wearisome control freak. Octave starts going through Peyote's drawers, pulling out clothing and basically evicting her daughter from the Irascible mansion. As garments are flying, out pops a bag of suspicious white powder. Peyote is impactada and grabs the baggie. More screaming as Octave figures out Peyote is a slut AND a druggie. Yolanda and Larry run in.

Larry is wearing some tight fitting yellow shirt with some sort of yellow filigree across his chest. I prefer his black jacket.

Larry is asking Mom and Sis if they are STILL fighting. I wonder what gave them away. Peyote tells everyone to get the flock out of her room and just leave her in peace. Larry carries out the raving Octave. Yolanda asks Peyote if it's true about the drugs. We then have a Public Service Announcement about the evils of drugs. Yolanda and Peyote exchange "I love you's." Peyote's makeup runs.

RM is sitting in the bed thinking about her evil twin Debora and how Debora will never let Marfil back into the mansion. Isabel walks in saying she was at the bank. RM asks if the money was still there. Isabel says the bank confirmed it. I guess their bank in Miami doesn't have to comply with privacy laws. At any rate, the deal is struck. Isabel will help Marfil walk again, with Isabel promising to not say a word about her therapy to Bruno and especially that "witch" of a sister. Thunder rumbles in the background and lightning flashes! "I will take it to the grave," says the soon-to-be-rich Isabel.

Back to sunny weather on the boat. Max wants to make a toast. Diana tells him she doesn't drink. "Don't worry," says Max. "It's only fruit juice." D—"What are we toasting to?" M—"That we talking, the weather is beautiful, the weather people were wrong, you look hot in that bikini, we're alone, this episode is almost over, we're together, and I love you. We're also toasting because I'm getting divorced." D—"What? You're getting a divorce because of me?" M—"No Diana, I'm doing it for me." He takes both their drinks and sets them down. So much for the toast—no one even took a sip! Sappy love theme is playing in the background. Max tells Diana he doesn't love Marfil. He's not happy. He can't stop thinking about Diana. He wants to kiss her. Diana with her usual half-hearted argument. Max finally swoops in for the kill. Passionate tonsil swabbing and not a Camila or Marfil in sight! The love theme continues.

After too long a period the credits FINALLY roll.

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