Caray, Caray!

Casa Soriano. Gaby’s making dinner, Diana answers the door. The String Quartet of Doom plays. Enter Max, come to apologize. He was an idiot, he admits it, etc. Close-up of Diana, looking sullen. “Habla,” she says.

At Intracoastal Five Star Rentals, a.k.a. Dr. Evil’s Lair, Andrés and Ignacio are being a couple of sore losers. They haven’t come up with a scheme yet, just something on the order of “ruin that nurse and make her crawl before delivering the final blow.” The only thing that’s changed is motive. Now they’re adding their humiliation in court to the list of grievances against Our Heroine. Oh, and Andrés owes Diego one. Flashback to Diego’s brief, shining moment as a Fiera just to make sure we remember. Andrés is going to get revenge on Diego and Diana. Close-up of Dr. Evil, mildly impactado.

We are now transported to Casa Irazabal. Paola and Rene hurry in and sit down on the lovely gold velvet couch in the foyer. Paola’s managed to save herself from the police, but will she save herself from her fiera of a mother? Yolanda comes running in and they decide that Paola should hide in her room. Octavia would never think of looking for her there.

At Casa Soriano, Max is still apologizing. It’s an awful lot of dialogue, but he’s getting through it. Diana wants to know why it was easier to believe Camila and Dr. Evil. Especially since she gave him her virginity. Max doesn’t have a good answer to that but Diana’s not interested in listening, anyway. It’s her turn to do the talking after the way he dogged her 'round.

In Paola’s bedroom. Octavia runs her house like a concentration camp, and Paola’s already served 20 years. She’ll stay until tomorrow, but she doesn’t want any more confrontations with Mamacita. Yolanda replies that Paola needs help. Once again she entrusts her wayward niece to Rene. Once again she expresses the hope that Rene’s not using. Paola asks her to ease up on the sermons. Yolanda tells Rene to give Paola some counseling (come again?) and asks him to stop in the library before he leaves. The door closes behind her and we know there will be no remorse from these Bright Young Things because we get a few bars of the “Fiera” song. They burst out laughing and joke about what delinquents they are, how they really put one over on poor Yolanda. Kids these days.

We return to Casa Soriano, where Diana is circling Max, getting him told. Our Heroine may speak softly, but she carries a big guilt-stick. Every grievance is a blow which Our Hero stoically endures until Diana pulls him around to face her. She’s going to deliver the coup de grace, I just know it. “You’re the one who lied to me!” And then she starts flailing away like mad, starting with his claim of being a widower and building to a grand little speech on the evils of machismo. Max is taking one for the team here, no doubt about it. This is followed by the “Not with married men” speech. Her prim outrage and the virtuous little diatribe make it easy to picture her in a candle-lit room, hair in a chignon, angrily slapping her fan against her hoopskirt. “Your worst punishment is losing me forever!” He promises to get a divorce but she doesn’t want to hear it. Tomorrow she’s marrying Diego. Max looks like he had a line…it was right on the tip of his tongue…was it…damn. So much for attractively impactado.

Paola’s boudoir. Rene has decided to take his bomboncito Yolanda seriously and advises Paola to stop seeing Pancho. They argue but don’t tell us anything we don’t already know. After Paola says she doesn’t want him to badmouth her Panchito, Rene leaves. Paola sulks for a second or two, then picks up her phone and calls Pancholón. She wants to have a Serious Talk. He tries to soothe his “fierita”. Paola thinks it’s time for a career change. The illegal jewelry trade is too risky.

We check back in with that other fun couple, Max and Diana. He’s telling her not to make the mistake of marrying Diego. You don’t love him, Max protests. I’ll grow to love him is her response. (Diego’s got Lala, Gaby, and Diana all drinking the same Kool-Aid.) You’ll never love Diego the way you loved me. (That’s an interesting approach. Stupid, but interesting.) Max repeats that he’s an idiot. I repeat “Damn straight you are.” Diana’s getting increasingly bitter as the scene progresses. They continue to argue until she tells him to go back to his wife, who needs him. “From now on,” she decrees, “you and I are two strangers.” Close up of Max, with the Glycerine Tear of True Dolor. Pobre de Max. Before he goes, he says he hopes she doesn’t regret this. All she regrets is having met him. Ouch. Bye, Max. Thanks for playing. The door’s hardly closed when Granny M. and Little Doormat enter to find out what happened. Diana hurries to her room, with Granny and Gabby right behind her. They heard it all. He deserved it. Diana gets all weepy. Despite the noble platitudes, she loves him with all her might, will never love another like she loved him (didn’t we just hear that somewhere?) etc. Little Doormat, a.k.a. Pollyanna the Glad Girl, points out that Max didn’t know how to appreciate Diana any more than Larry knew how to appreciate her. Granny M chimes in, saying that Gaviota was right about the Irazabal clan getting enjoyment out of stepping on people and hurting them. Diana would like to hate Max, but she can’t. Every day she loves him more. Awkward-looking group hug.

Bar Don Paco. The seven extras came back – we can hear them going wild. Gaviota has just finished a show. She and Paco are in her dressing room. “Listen to that applause,” says Paco. “You’re a wonder.” (Because she kept them in their seats tonight?) She attributes her success onstage to her success in court. As usual this brings the conversation to Our Heroine. Gaviota would rather see her married to Diego than to an Irazabal.

At Psycho Mansion, Yolanda is beseeching Rene. Help Paola, advise her. Rene says he’ll give her more advice than a parish priest. Yolanda thinks rehab might be best for Paola. You can count on Rene. Close-up of our boy mugging. She’s charmed by this. Everything’s cute when Rene does it. He changes the subject by asking Yolanda out on a date. An open-air reggaeton concert. Va a estar de pocas pulgas. (Anybody know this expression?) Yolanda prefers classical music. Rene clowns some more before saying “As you wish”, followed by a lingering kiss on the hand. He departs. Yolanda sighs. Ay, bomboncito.

Paola and Pancho. Same conversation as above.

Max is in the parlor. Enter the spider, I mean Octavia, once more dressed like a seventies call-girl. She saunters over to the couch and asks Max if he plans on getting drunk again. What’s the occasion this time? Diana’s getting married tomorrow. Don’t lie down and die on account of this mujercita. Does Octavia know who the defense lawyer was? No. Fedora Garces Ledezma. Close-up of Mamá, her face so immobile you would think she’d gone for a botox treatment and told them “Super-Size me.”

Back in Gav’s dressing room, our torch-singing attorney tells Paco that she has to get revenge on Octavia, find her daughters, and make Diana and Gaby very happy. I guess Paco doesn’t remember the first 32 times she told him that. Or maybe Gaviota doesn’t recall. By the end of the scene, she makes it to rehash number 34.

Chez Diana. She’s lying on her bed. She’s unhappy. “Tomorrow I’m marrying a man I don’t love.” Close-up of Diana looking even unhappier. End of scene.

We return to Casa Irazabal, where Max is reminiscing about the last time anyone saw Fedora/Gaviota. Tía Yolanda met her in the street one day. And when did Fedora/Gaviota become a lawyer, Octavia wonders. A lot of people go to school while they’re doing time. Octavia also wonders how it came to pass that Fedora/Gaviota of all people was Diana’s lawyer. It could have been a coincidence. Max kisses her on the shoulder and they say good night. Octav thought-bubbles: “I don’t like this at all. These two, allies? What is this bond? What plots are brewing in Fedora’s twisted mind?”

Casa Soriano. It’s Our Heroine’s wedding day. At first I don’t recognize the hostess, then I realize it’s Granny M in her Barbara Bush party dress. In come Lala, Diego, Pancho, Caramelo, and Nancy. Nancy’s in surprisingly good spirits for someone who’s attending the ill-fated wedding of the man she loves. The Orphans of the Storm are in the other room, preparing the bride for her Big Day. Gaby is being endearingly officious. After all, the happy couple has her to thank. Nancy knocks at the door. Poor Nancy, Little Doormat says, dying of love for Diego. Sigh. She lets Nancy in and they’re all smiles. Nancy doesn’t beat around the bush with Diana. Diego was never going to love her. Diana is his great love. Nancy wishes her the greatest happiness. Diana stands and we get a good look at her wedding dress. It’s a strapless sundress with a wide band of black lace around the waist. It appears to have been made from a bedsheet and one of Granny M’s old girdles. Nancy and Diana hug. Close-up of Nancy. She is seriously bummed.

Now we’re in Max’s office. He’s got that blank stare under furrowed brow expression on his face again. He is remembering Our Heroine’s words: “Tomorrow I’m marrying Diego.” Enter Emilio. He has some orders to be signed. Max isn’t listening. He’s just sitting there, staring. Emilio finally gets his attention. “Diana’s getting married today.” Emilio gets a close-up so that we can see him thinking “Aw, man, not this again.”

Gaviota’s room. She’s sitting on the bed, putting on her shoes. For some reason I flash back to similar scenes from Pre-Code movies, except that the actress has usually just finished with a trick. Maybe it’s the black choker with the huge black rosette. Or the red dress with black polka dots and Gav’s signature extra-wide belt. But there are no folded bills tucked in her garter and she won’t light a cigarette and gaze moodily into the camera. No. She’s just getting ready for the wedding. There’s an insistent knock at the door. Adjusting her top, she goes to answer. It’s Octavia, just stopping by for a minute before she gets on the Love Boat. While the skin-tight halter-top with the nautical pattern is quite jaunty, I don’t think that’s why Gaviota is impactada. “Octavia!” Close-up of Octavia, staring at Gaviota the way a snake looks at a cornered rat.

Out in the bar, Lorenzo the lovable old barman is being questioned by Paco, the man haunted by the woman who betrayed him. Paco wants to know who just went in to see Gaviota. Lorenzo has no idea.

Back in Gaviota’s dressing room, we get a splendid shot of her idea of wedding-guest attire. If she slipped on a ruffled petticoat under that dress, she could entertain us with the can-can. But that’s not going to happen, it’s Fiera versus Fiera here, even if they’re not playing the Fiera song. Instead the Synthesizer of Doom plays loudly as Octav sashays through the dressing room to Gaviota’s bedroom. “So you live in this cow-shed.” Midshot of Gaviota in the archway, with her Gay Pride rainbow boa visible between the groovy beads hanging behind her. She smirks, as if to say, “Are you kidding me, bitch?” Octavia grills Gaviota on her acquaintance with las hermanas Soriano and Gav refuses to answer. Octavia grabs her arm and calls her an ex-con who reeks of jail. Although it pains me to say it, girls and boys, there are no prizes for guessing where that remark leads. Where it ends is the menacing violin music and Gaviota turning venomous as she states her intention of recruiting Diana and Gaby to avenge themselves on los Irazabal. Close-up of Octavia thinking “If I could shoot you dead and get away with it…”

We return to the boda. The justice of the peace arrives, out comes Diana, it looks like our young couple is going to take that fateful step on the road to unhappiness…No, not yet, Gaviota’s not there.

Back to the Gaviota, who’s still reciting her Litany of Revenge. She doesn’t get any reaction out of Lady O until she says Octavia will pay for the death of Gav’s husband. Octavia wheels around and calls Gaviota a miserable murderess. Gav slaps her and neatly intercepts the counter-blow. “Don’t you dare,” Gaviota warns, “because I’ll leave you bald.” She tells Octavia to get out, even holds aside the beads for her. Well, Octavia has to go, anyway, she’s got a boat to catch and Captain Steubing to vamp. They exchange rabid fiera glares as Octav struts out. After a last look at our Avenging Angel, we follow Octavia through the bar. Paco comes out of his office and calls out. She stops, but does not turn. He asks who she is and at first she looks puzzled, then as the camera pulls in closer, impactada. Commercial.

We come back to Andres, in a rental car, staking out the wedding. He calls Dr. Evil to announce that he’s on point and that the best part is yet to come.

At Paco’s bar, Octavia thought-bubbles: “Who does that voice remind me of?” That voice, a.k.a. Paco, keeps asking inane questions. Octav keeps her back to him and then Gaviota appears. “What are you still doing here? I told you to take off.” Octavia leaves without turning or saying a word. Paco asks Gav about the Mystery Woman. She fills him in. He’s sorry that he didn’t get to see the face of the woman who caused her so much harm. That’s okay, Gaviota’s going to destroy her the same way she destroyed Gav. One of Paco’s employees enters to remind Paco that they’d better get a move on.

Outside the unassuming little tract home where the unlucky boda is about to take place, Andrés watches Paco, Gaviota, and Lorenzo pull up. Inside, the guests are happy that the stragglers have finally made it. Pleasantries are exchanged and then it’s time for this wedding business. Diana forces a smile, but it only lasts a second or two.

Max is fiddling with a pencil instead of working on billing or signing orders. He tells us that they’re probably getting married right now, as he speaks, with the show’s theme song playing. He is so upset that he breaks his pencil. And he’s glad he broke it, too!

We cut to the ceremony, with Diana looking melancholy until Diego flashes that weaselly grin at her. She forces another weak smile and looks down. The theme song continues to play while everyone in the wedding party gets a close-up. We end with the bride and groom again. The expression on Diana’s face tells us she regrets it already.

In the rental car. Andrés opens the glove compartment and takes out a gun much like the one Faux Marfil pulled on Real Marfil several capítulos back. Since he’s got his back to us, we can only see his eyes and nose in the rearview mirror. Even so we can tell he’s got an evil grin on his face. That’s some pretty snazzy camerawork.

Back to the boda. Diana and Diego sign the register, then Gaby and Pancho. The justice of the peace declares them man and wife, applause all around, the newlyweds rise. “Now you’re my wife.” “Sí, ya soy tu mujer y tu esposa,” is her rather peculiar reply. The Orchestra of Doom begins to play, and it's not Lohengrin.

Poolside at Casa Irascible. Pilar is catching some rays and Luscious Larry is in the pool. He swims up, invites her in, she declines. They blather on a bit: Octavia would have hysterics if she knew Pilar was here; Pilar wants Larry to get Mamacita to forgive her; whatever happened to that sirvienta. From there it’s a short step to “I want to get married as soon as possible.” Larry wants to wait a few months. Pilar is not a happy camper.

The boda’s still not over. Lorenzo brings out a tray of champagne, and everyone toasts.

Max is drinking, too, but he’s having straight scotch and he’s not feeling too festive right now. They must have tied the knot, he tells us. He’s lost her forever because he’s an idiot. Enter Mamá. Max asks if she came to torture him. Not at all. But she hopes today is the last day he’ll think of Diana. Mmm, don’t bet the perfume factory on that, Octavia.

Back at the pool, Pilar hasn’t given up. She doesn’t see why they should wait months when he could easily divorce that sirvienta. They argue over her use of the disparaging word “sirvienta.” Larry speechifies a bit, extolling Little Doormat’s virtues and calling her an angel. He starts to walk away, then comes back to really let Pilar have it. While Pilar was off rolling around with Kique, Gaby was at his side, etc., etc., etc. He forbids Pilar to dis Gaby again. He leaves, only this time he means it. At first Pilar is miffed, but then she laughs. If he defends her like that, it’s because he’s in love with la sirvientita, only he hasn’t realized it yet. Why this amuses her is a mystery.

At Casa Soriano, the newlyweds toast each other. This leads to a sappy conversation in which Diego basically tells Diana that he is her love slave. Then he gets a little more practical. It turns out that in their mad dash to the altar, these impetuous kids forgot to make honeymoon plans. Diana is suddenly feeling very Scarlett O’Hara. She wants to think about it tomorrow. Diego is enchanted by this reply. “You don’t know how much I love you.” He leans in to kiss her, but she dodges by setting her glass down. “Let’s go out for a walk.” “Now?” Well, whatever his princess wants. Her wishes are his orders. He announces their plans to all and sundry. Lala tells them not to be long, there’s still the cake to be cut and photos to be taken. (And bullets to be fired, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.) The Synthesizer of Doom music swells as they leave the house. Andrés watches them, nodding. “There’s the happy groom,” he says and once more we are treated to a flashback of the scuffle in the courthouse hallway. Back in the present, Andrés tells the new Sr. y Sra. Suarez to get ready. He puts on his sunglasses and starts the car.

Irascible Manor. Max comes stumbling in. He looks like he really tied one on. Faux Marfil is flipping through a magazine – probably Vogue, although Guns & Ammo is also possible. She’s wearing a low-cut, baby-doll kimono, or something like that. It’s hard to focus on the actual dress with all that cleavage screaming for attention. But about Max and the little woman. He announces that he’s the biggest idiot in the world. She’s not happy to see him drunk in the middle of the day. I don’t listen to her any more than Max does. Suffice it to say that she gets him up the stairs and onto the bed. Again he says he is the world’s biggest idiot, but Faux Marfil has decided to use this to her advantage. She starts undressing him. “Kiss me, kiss me, tell me you love me, that there’s no other woman….” And so on. Max must be wasted, because he’s returning her kisses and declaring he loves her, only her, only…Diana. Diana? That little slip of the tongue causes Faux Marfil to go right into Chihuahua on crack mode. Max begins to realize that he didn’t just get drunk, he got puking drunk. He struggles to rise.

The boda again. Pancho and Caramelo are admiring the cake topper. Paco pulls on the bride’s little tulle veil and predicts that Diana will never love his idiot brother. The marriage is a farce. (He may be a muerto de hambre, but he’s right on the money there.) Pancho then pulls the cake topper off, stealthily puts it on the floor and steps on it, grinding the bridal couple’s little plaster heads to dust.

Cut to Diego and Diana walking down the street, with Andrés driving three feet behind them. They of course do not notice him. He stops to put on a ski mask, gets out of the car, walks up behind Diego, shoots him twice in the back, and flees. Diana drops to her knees in hysterics, screaming for help, screaming Diego’s name, shaking him – wait. Isn’t she a nurse? Shouldn’t she have some rudimentary knowledge of emergency first aid? Fortunately we go to commercial and I can have another glass of wine.

Back in the mansion. Faux Marfil has worked herself up to complete fiera hysteria. She screams and screams and screams and screams, pausing for breath just long enough for Max to bellow “Shut up!” Gracias, Max. By now he’s up and moving again. Faux Marfil isn’t finished, however. She was just getting her second wind. I don’t really follow it too well, but this tantrum is not only genuine, it’s operatic. (Scary, Expressionist operatic, not the Mozart in powdered wigs variety.) I gather Faux Marfil’s lambasting Diana because she screeches “She doesn’t love you!” about six times in a row. And then Max does the unthinkable. Close-up of Our Hero, suddenly sober. Attractively impactado. Well, I’ll be damned.

We move on to Ignacio’s office. He asks Andrés how it went. Andrés sums it up very neatly. She got married, and he widowed her.

At Casa Soriano, Lala and Granny M are hoping that their kids find happiness together. Paco, Gaviota, and Lorenzo are behind them, nodding sagely and murmuring in agreement. The phone rings and Gaby answers. It’s Diana. Bit by bit, as the String Quartet of Doom gets louder, Little Doormat is told that Diego’s been shot, is in the hospital, and is muy grave. He’s lost a lot of blood. But he’s alive, thanks to Diana’s emergency response technique. I’d hate to think what might have happened if she hadn’t repeatedly screamed "¡Contéstame!" while shaking his head like a maraca. But back to our friends. Gaby is impactada. She breaks the news, rather perfunctory pandemonium follows, and everyone hurries out.

Back at the hospital, Andrés tells Dr. Evil he’s sure he killed Diego. A nurse knocks on the door. They have an emergency. A man with two gunshot wounds. Gee, I wonder who that could be? Andrés is sure he killed Diego.

The operating room. Diego is face-down on the gurney. Dr. Evil thought-bubbles: “This is Diego? The husband of Diana Soriano?” He tells the nurse to prep the patient. He’ll be right back.

Diana is pacing up and down in front of the desk. Dr. Evil approaches her. Diego’s condition is serious. They’ll need to operate. And Dr. Ignacio Montiel Evil himself will perform the surgery. Close-up of Diana, impactada.

Roll Credits

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