Caray, Caray!

First let me begin with two disclosures:

First: PSA: I was off work today so I watched Muchacitas Como Tu. This is an Teen Novela, you know the four kickin beautiful very European looking Amigas. Anyway Ber from Fuego is making a guest appearance. He is shown holding a box of what appears to be candies. Need I say more? Pa & Ma lock the youngins up. Granted there are no waterfall pools but there are hot tubs aplenty.

Second: In Keeping with the political season…I have decided to add even more annoying adjectives to each person’s name as in my own “Beckster the Slacker”..yes this is a shout-out to formerly “Joe the Plumber”, now “Joe the Foreign Affairs Expert”.

Okay so we begin with Sofie the Suffering, telling Beaver the Clever, their romantic but ill fated history. What a freekin scam, would this not be the greatest thing ever? She tells the beautiful, I gave it up for you in the various locations we did the deed. However, Sofie leaves out the details about the time Juan took the whip beating from Gabi that was intended for Sofie, while four adult women stood there watching. The time Sofie took a midnight stroll through Rape Forest and then tortured Juan for a lengthy time. The time she took a tumble down the Hacienda steps and Juan stayed by her beside for days on end. She left out the breakfast in bed, cooking all the meals for her, the sponge baths, and worst of all moving back into the hacienda where her life had been threatened 452 times prior, while Juan repeatedly begged her to move to the Reyes house. Oh well small details.

Anyhow Juan is thrilled that such a smokin hot pale, wan, whining, bad dressing chica was once his love makin Nina. Juan swoops in for a small (very small Pablitio could do better) kiss. Sofie is secretly please but chastes Juan. He apologizes, like riding his horse and sweating into pan it is instinct.

Meanwhile back at the Hacienda Feo the Frustrated tells Gabi that Juan is free. This sends Gabi always the second best into drinking copious glasses of liquor. What if Juan remembers, what if they find out we nicked the kid, what if we go to jail, what if space aliens come through the roof of the hacienda, what if I run out of depends, what if the Mayans were right and the world does end in 2012. Finally Fer can take no more and tells her to STFU, her rattling on and on is going to give them away. The decide to take off for Pueblo & wait a day and see if Juan remembers anything.

“Sarita the socially conservative spinster” and “Jimena the vacant” run into “Oscar the Night Ranger” & “Franco the Used to Get Lucky”. The boyz tell the sisters that Juan is free. The girls especially Sarita the Nasty Annoying Sanctimonious Harpy, it totally unbelieving. How could Sofie let Juan go? Sarita has dreams of all three sisters living in the cabana, hating men until they die from dehydrated Souls.

Ximena plays hard to get with Oscar. Pleeeeeeeeeezzzzeeee
This is the bimbo that faked catatonia for a healthy period of time and gave it up for a crystal rose from the dollar store. Oscar asks her to go with him and get a civil marriage again. EGADS…Ximena had no idea they were divorced. Oscar tells her the tale of Ma taking her little limp paw and signing the paper. Ximena smacks him. How dare he, he didn’t not believe in their eternal, destined from heaven love. Yeh, beeotch, neither did you two minutes ago when you were playing hard to get. I guess Jimena is all upset cause she had sex with Oscar out of the blessed sanctity of marriage. Oh the sin, yes Jimena you are now destine to eons in purgatory for that sin, thus erasing all the good karma you had accumulated from lying on you ass faking catatonia. She stomps off.

Now then Franco is putting the moves on the sexless and extremely unappealing Sarita. He is all Rico Suave and tries to get her to go and civilly marry again. She retorts that she will never marry him again, thus removing any remaining chance she will ever have for loosing her virginity.

Seriously though only good virgin girls get to have awesome pin the tail on the donkey pinata parties, just think how awesome that next party will be. A huge pinata & at least thirty five candles on a big chocolate cake, not to mention maybe there will be clowns.

This little taming of the shrew scene, leads Franco to grabbing Sarita face, she relaxes and expects him to kiss her, when he doesn’t she asks why. He says he does not want to kiss her. Sarita kicks him in not one shin but both, then makes fun of him cause he says eeeewwww my patitos or little legs. Guess the humour of this raucous scene is lost in the retelling.

Juan runs off to tell “Pad Tad the ineffective” his happy love story. His nina told him their great story. He can hardly wait to find the kid and end Sofie’s suffering &world hunger and create peace in the middle east.
---Oppps sorry I forgot Juan went to talk to the midwife & she told him about the night the kid was born; Juan has come up with some theory about this that will lead to the truth, whatever the hell this was about I missed the details—he relays this nonsense to Tad---He also says the other day, Sofie told him the story. Apparently Juan does not recall the sun has to set and come up again before it is another day. Amnesia is awful disease.

Anyway I am forced to query—at this point if you were Juan the LameAss, wouldn’t you be all shades of pissed that Sofie, Sofie Sisters and so on, never bothered to look for the kid for at least 51 weeks out of 52?

Now over in the “La Tienda de CaCita”, the sisters plus Eva the painfully guilty for all that is bad on this earth, are milling about. Sarita the unwanted, is jumping Sofie’s Ass about freeing Juan. Sofie says she is convinced Juan is guiltless in the baby debacle. Sarita is furious, So what, that doesn’t matter, she just wants vengeance. Sofia is mad and leaves. Jimena tells Sarita to lighten up. They start talking about the boyz. It is like the girls bathroom in seventh grade. These asses are so sorry, like they just really put the boyz down, but hey that is cool cause they know the boyz will be back. Oh that is a given, what with th girls great looks, awesome family connections and all round pleasant personalities.

Demian the boring is sittling at his house thinking about his deep and incredibly, unbelievable misplaced love for Sofie the undeserving. Knock Knock Knock…why it is Gabi. I guess she had some time before vamoosing. She tells Demian that she is still orgasmic over the thought of him hooking up with Sofie. The name of Juan comes up. Demain tells Gabi that Juan seems like a stand-up guy. Gabi can’t believe Demian would say such a thing.

Ros comes in looking for Sofie. Eva tells her that Sofie just left. Ros is all nervous and chewing on her lips. Sarita & Jimena comment on Ros being so nervous and try to get her to talk. No she can’t she has to talk to Sofie. She then goes into a long winded diatribe about how happy she is to have been included in their little sisterly family unit.
(this is heavy handed anvil dropping about Ros’s demise)
They all end up joining hands and Ros once again tells Sarita that Franco loves on Sarita. Blah Blah Blah.

Now later that night, it is the Ginormous Ros show over at the The Bad Love Bar. She comes out and does a solo number, then one with her back up dancers. The horny drunken patrons go wild.
---In Fer’s office Armando is tearing it up looking for something—

In Ros’s room we get a camara wide angle shout, all the little things that mean so much to Ros..more foreshadowing. Ofelia comes in and lays the praise on. Ros & her radioactive hooters are too bid for this one burro town. No Ros must stay for the safety of her little Luisito. Here comes Luisito. Is this the same kid? I don’t think so cause he can actually speak words. Anyway, she loves him so much…The crowd calls for Ros, she doesn’t want to go. The little kid says he loves her. Crash there goes another anvil.

As Ros sings her patented BonBon song, we see Armando finally finding what he is looking for. The combination to Fer’s safe. Yeh Armando plans to steal the money and go somewhere where Fer will never find him.

Juan is home making pan, the two brothers stand on either side like bookends, thus keeping Juan from falling over and hitting his too big head. He tells them of his prior convo with Sofie the Suffering. The boys lament. Oscar says Jimena will never want to see him again.
--Oscar I beg to differ, Jimena likes getting her crystal rose watered, you will be in like Flynn.
Franco laughs that Sarita kicked him in both legs. Oh he likes her rugged behavior.
--Franco, in your way you are a bit of a babe, I would be happy to slap the crab out of you Mondays, Wednesdays, & Fridays. I really don’t have an inclination in that direction, but Dude if it makes you happy so be it.
Juan turns on his megawatt smile that goes along with his golly gee wide eyes and vows to find the kid & make it all up to Miss Suffering. Of course he does.

Ros comes in Fer’s office and finds Armando drinking. He tells her his plan to steal Fer’s money and run away. She asks him to take her along.
Say now I am rooting for these two crazy kids.

Sofie goes to tell “Gramps the Loco” that she pardoned Juan. Gramps like everyone on else says maybe Juan and Sofie will hook-up again. She denies that it could ever happen.
Demian stops by to beg Sofies love. Gramps leaves. Demian is pleading for her love. Of course Sofie says it can never be. Damn Demian is such a self loathing loser. They lean in for a kiss & Juan walks in.

The end.

Tomorrow Ros & Armando break in to safe, Ros finds Libia’s necklace and says Fer killed Libia.
Fer is downstairs…
ANVILS ANVILS EVERYWHERE

Labels: Fuego