Caray, Caray!

Buenas noches a todos.

Sofia’s barely swaggering along as she leans on the walls of Brigadoom for shoulders to cry on. It's pretty sad when your only friends are brick walls and lace handkerchiefs. Sofia! Get your ass in gear, girl. Didn’t you know that you’re the talk of the town? So embarrassing. I'd be embarrassed, too, if my daughter resembled the center-fold from the 1852 Farmer's Almanac. What do you expect, mother, Juan just told me that he never loved/knew me. I guess I put myself through all this pain and suffering, and I sure deserve it, I deserve it all. I’d say she’s at a breaking point, but her whole life has been a breaking point. Gabi’s amused by Sofia’s own sense of worthlessness and says to herself; now I only have to knock off Oscar and Franco, just like I knocked off their daddy. Just like their daddy knocked her up, and then probably knocked her around…

You know, this whole “Barrancas” thing they have going on looks more like a spa getaway than a primitive, former witch-craft haven. For instance, the private “suites” are lined up in a row, there are light fixtures, people are reading, and there’s live entertainment nearly every evening. Speaking of a freak show; Oscar and Franco pay a visit to the mayor/concierge. Here, the guy tells the boys that he’s sure that Juan came to the village without a brain in his head or a hope in his heart, and he’s willing to testify that to a judge. That will certainly contrast the former Juan to the new one.

Juan lies in his prison bunk trying desperately to remember what he ate for dinner, but it’s just not coming to him. Suddenly a flashback of that fateful rainy night in which he fell off the giant waterfall appears in his head. Just then Fernie raises his head to the camera, but Juan almost falls out of his bunk and is awoken. I remembered! I remembered! Juan looks to the ever-full moon for an answer. No answer. Who was that man? Damn it!

Babe Doctor (does she have a name?) makes an unauthorized visit to Sofia’s house. She wants to talk about Juan, but Sofia tells her to butt the hell out because she doesn’t talk about her personal life, if that’s what you can call the fiasco she leads, with girls who are prettier than her, or girls who shacked up with the man she rolled around in the hay with. All animosity aside, Babe Doctor tells Sofia that she shouldn’t get her panties in a twist because if Juan says he didn’t steal her kid, than he didn’t steal her. After all, she loved/lived with the guy for over a year, or so I hear (which amazes me to this day). What’s more, the Babe Doctor used to hear him say “mi niña” in his sleep, which obviously means he loves Sofia.

So the police chief, who’s supposed to be the guy who pulls some illegal strings so that Juan can stick around, tells Juan it’s off to the big house. Well, city life will certainly to Juan some good; he’ll have access to indoor plumbing, radios, razors, and what’s more, he can shower and be naked with all the naked men his little heart desires.

Basically Sofia continues with the frigid-bitch routine and Babe (I renamed her) desperately beats a dead, black horse. Sofia’s never going to forgive Juan, and Juan’s never going to rest, so I guess both will be miserable.

The drums beat and Juan is marched down the jail corridor where two inmates say that they are sure that Fernie is behind all this (thank you, Captain Obvious). What warms my heart most is the protest group that Quinti has organized outside the jail house. Quinti, please let the guy do his job; voting for someone’s innocence is not democracy in action. Not so fast! Enter Oscar and Franco on horseback. You will not take my brother! The crowd goes wild. Then arrives the mayor of the Barrancas. Juan is innocent, I should know because I know his soul. I knew that place was just a front for other sorts of behavior. Well, it just goes to show you that if you assemble a crowd, gather testimonies from lovers and family members, and yell louder than the guy in charge, you, too, can avoid 7-10 in the state pen.—without court time and processing fees.

Dr. Nestor (I renamed him, too) visits Sofia to try to convince her that Juan is innocent. The thing I don’t understand is why everyone is so excited about visiting Sofia and saving her relationship with Juan. She’s a bitch, and Juan’s a moron; I guess they do have a certain trashy appeal, but save it for reality television. If it’s any consolation, my daughter said that Juan never made a pass at her, and she always had to light the flame between the two. But how do you explain Juan’s saying that he doesn’t know who I am? Oh my God; I watch this show once a week, and I even know that he has/had amnesia. Sofia reflects for a second and then realizes that Juan has never lied. Now she’s the one with amnesia because she forgot about the time he lied about getting revenge on her and her family, or the time he said Libia was his pet flower.

So all’s well that end’s well, or at least that’s the general consensus over at police headquarters. The mayor’s touching statement mixed with Oscar’s “yeahs” and “that’s rights” let Juan off the hook. But don’t get any ideas, the sheriff was just doing his job; no one in Mexico can go to prison unless it is completely certain that they are guilty. Bull Shit! The real law is: guilty until proven innocent. Stop trying to rewrite the legal system, FELS producers.

Fernie slithers in and wants to know why Juan is free. Juan tells him that he knows him from a dream, but doesn’t quite know who he is. Anyway, he still feels a natural urge to get up in his face and yell. After Fernie slipped the sheriff a few Benjamins he changed his mind, and wants Juan back behind bars. Of course, Sofia stops by the jail, and now she’s not so sure that Juan was responsible for anything. Fine time to completely change your mind. By the way, how do you even get out of bed in the morning? She officially retires all charges, and asks for Juan to go free. Oh my stars…

Then some village lady shows up to provide her personal speculations about Juan being the baby snatcher, but like Sofia, she doesn’t know what’s real and what’s not. However, she saw a guy dressed like Juan on a black horse. Fernie is now convinced that it was Juan. What do you mean? Everyone dresses like Juan! Didn’t you know that he is the largest trend setter this side of the pacific? Well, that’s enough for Sofia and she’s convinced that it WASN’T Juan! I now declare Sofia to be the official village idiot. Fernie’s disappointed that she stopped worrying about her daughter. Confused as ever, she withdrawals her charges, if nothing else, now she can have a reason to argue with her mother and Fernie.

Apparently Gabi has taken an interest in Vatican-sponsored orphanages, so much so that the local nuns hold up babies and Gabi blesses them by buying them fire engines and playing with their arms. Padre Tadeo isn’t buying it, and wants to know why she’s really there. Uh, I don’t have to explain anything to you. Didn’t you know that she has always been a pious and caring woman? Damn cynic.

Awkward. Juan walks in on Sofiia as she was crying. He wants to talk, but she doesn’t. They never had an important place to talk before, and now they don’t have one, so why talk? Juan assures her that they did have a special place, but how the hell would he know? Do you know your way around town? Well, she walks around the woods at night, so I’d like to think she knows how to get home.

Over at the Striptease House of Fernie Armando has something to tell Rosie, but seeing that Fernie is peeping in on the conversation Armando decides to beat Rosie a couple of times on the head. What's wrong with him? Oh, haha, it's a joke! Rosie sees the humor and understands that Armando did it to protect their secret relationship from Fernie. Armando's good, but not that good, and so Fernie summons him to his office and smacks him around some. There's only so much Armando can take of this, and that's why Rosie better get the hell out of there. By the bye, why is she still employed there? I guess old habits die hard.

So our reunited acquaintances are “talking,” but it's nothing serious (is it ever?); Sofia says that there isn’t anything between them anymore. Juan insists to hear about their marvelous love; however, I don’t remember it ever being marvelous. Either way, she gets excited and decides to tell him about it. But she’s only going to say it once, so listen good. Montage of all the times they met in secret. Wow, the best thing Juan ever did was finding that razor. Just pretend that Sofia had the mental capacity to articulate all those emotions and events we just saw pathetically thrown together and accompanied by some Vicente Fernandez song. After this, Juan gets all excited—just like the time in the barn. Now his memory is in full swing, and he decides that he loves her more than ever. He goes for the kiss, but SMACK! Can’t you understand that there’s too much pain in our lives? It’s over for ever. This whole scenario brings me to a question; if a man has no recollection of a relationship and a woman refuses to acknowledge said relationship, did it ever happen? All hypothetical relationships aside, Sofia is, without a doubt, the most bipolar character on this show. Though, I must say, she is staying true to her life’s theme: self-infliction of emotional pain. I won’t be surprised if she starts beating herself with a horse whip.

Tomorrow: Gabi is about to shit a cow when she finds out that Juan is free. “What if they find out that YOU [Fernie] stole the baby?” “Well, pack your bags, sweetheart, we’re gettin’ out of here!”

Labels: Fuego