Caray, Caray!

Buenas noches a todos.

Maury has put his money where his mouth is and adopted some kids from the broken-down orphanage. The one kid, Aldo, is really violent and should probably be placed in an alternative-care facility in sunny Spain. It would be more of a spa vacation than anything, what with the tennis courts, swimming pools, and soccer tournaments. No way! I adopted the little hoodlum and he’s gonna be my kid no matter how many times he beats up on everyone else, says Maury to his scheming girlfriend.

Well, all this violence and adoption has gotten Maury thinking about biological fathers with vengeances and depleted bank accounts—to the point where he no longer is a reliable business opeartor: he wears sweats and his office worker wears a towel on non-casual days, what more can I say? Sal promised Maury’s late father that he would always protect him, or was it the family fortune? The point is, Sal doesn’t want Maury racin’ no cars, and he better not let Wayne Newton (the new fake dad) into his life.

So the whole office staff is in on some secret operative mission for Maury to meet Wayne. Looks like they found some voice recorder and they strung it through Maury’s clothes. If the deal goes bad Val will be there to give our dyed-hair friend a one-two to the old kisser. In a painfully, overly-animated performance we discover that, with some small economic assistance, Wayne will disappear from his children’s and Maury’s lives forever, or until he spends it all and decides to blackmail him again. Poor Maury lets everyone walk all over him, and really, what’s an extra $100,000. But it’s not a business transaction, it’s about the kids. Oh, and you better not take advantage of me, sir.

Maury doesn’t really know if he should tell his kids about their father, but eventually decides that not telling them will add to the dramatic effect of the show months in advance. Towell girl (Val, who can only afford portions of whole outfits) can’t believe that someone would use his family for money—obviously her boyfriend has trained her well.

Jerry’s crackpot sister Jimena comes to visit the new twin children, but she’s worried about her brother beating her, so she needs more alcohol. Then Jerry arrives to beat up on his sister and explain Spanish portmanteaus. Putting on my Aunt Judy cap: taratúpida = tarada + estúpida = really, really stupid girl. She threatens to tell about Jerry hiring Wayne Newton as an imposter to collect the money for Jerry and Associates. Don’t make me guess things because it took me three hours last time to figure out you wanted to kill me, says stupid sister.

Jerry effectively hits on all three adopted children: Do you work out? Aren’t you a pretty one? Goo gah goo gah. Does this man feel ok?, asks the six year old. I can tell that everyone is going to be fast friends.

So Val is leavin’ the skimpy dress for the sweats. Cue the video montage: Theme song accompanies Val practicing her boxing moves and Maury in his racecar talking to a guy. Rrrandommm!

It just keeps happening! I’m convinced that Televisa is making a cry of help to TLC’s What Not to Wear. Val has to be some sort of plug for publicity on What Not to Wear: South of the Border. Please, we’re running a business, not a Disco-themed night club. No wonder the office managers give her hell, she’s dressed like a freaking street walker. Anyway, they give her a cell phone, and she doesn’t really know what it is, but she says she does, and goes all commando on the pretty one. Then she wants to put some hick music on and leans in for a kiss, stare, hair comb, etc.—only to be interrupted by the girlfriend who is an overly-involved psycho bitch girlfriend.

So Val lied to her boyfriend about working for a Chinese guy so Mamma sent the bf to the Chinese store to find out about the lie. Then Estrella goes with him to interpret and eventually it comes out that Val doesn’t work there and when everyone comes back Mama goes into some sort of diabetic shock because her daughter-in-law lied to her son.

Back at the office, Wayne goes to collect, and is sort of surprised when he has to sign a document. Things get sticky when Aldo shows up to the office where Maury, Sal, and Wayne/fake daddy all meet up and Aldo denies that Wayne is his father. As a knee-jerk reaction Sal takes the suit case and Wayne runs away. Then Secretary calls the police while drunk-as-a-skunk Jimena shows up wondering what’s going on. In an adventure fit for the best racecar drivers in the nation, Sal and Maury decide to follow Wayne’s taxi. We really could have used Val’s athleticism during all the drama, but she was stuck making 800 copies. Poor Aldo doesn’t understand why his father wanted to sell him. Eventually Maury catches up to Wayne and Bonilla and nocks him out. Don’t mess with my family, or I’ll mess you up.

Unfortunately, things go from hick to major hick when under-shirt wearin’, beer guzzlin’ bf shows up at work. What do you have goin’ on here, NASA? No, I lied to you about my job because I didn’t want to seem uppity. Then Val knocks him out with her right hand so she doesn’t have to be embarrassed in front of everyone. Yay, she regained use of her right arm!

In the end the whole family is talking about learning lessons in trust and family bonding. Little Aldo doesn’t understand why his father is allowed to punch out people, but he can’t. It’s an adult thing, son. Jerry says he would have done the same thing to someone who he hired to pretend to be the father of his cousin’s kid so he could collect big time. Then Maury and Aldo go to say goodbye to Val, but she locked herself in the copy room with her bf. She’ll just die if the love of her life discovers her there—but he’s getting married anyway, and has kissed his fake gf many more times than the other couple!

Tomorrow: Maury sort of confronts Jerry. The fam goes to the boxing match—they probably won’t see Val the office worker.

Labels: gancho

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