Caray, Caray!

That's #281 by Univision's count; 2! 8!! 3!!! hours of pain and delight.

"I promise that Leticia is going to end up with the man she deserves. I promise you that," Aldo assures the cuartel enigmatically. He excuses himself. They ask one another who that is - Aldo, or Fernando? Juana says she'll try to divine this; she closes her eyes and begins chanting.

Meanwhile, Aurora (in orange) and "Inocencio" flirt for the cameras with a tense, subtext-laden conversation about kissing (she even calls him "Mendiola" by mistake!). Luigi decides that talk is cheap and it's time for some action between these two - he wants them to kiss ON THE LIPS! This request catches the two "actors" off guard! They ask, ¡¿QUE?! and freeze! Marcia gestures impatiently, and Luigi snaps them out of it. He says that without a kiss, the show will be missing something. (You said it, Luigi!)

Fern pulls him aside and says absolutely not. Aurora takes Luigi by the elbow and says she agrees - she's not kissing Señor Mongolia. Luigi sympathizes with her for not wanting to kiss Fern, but suggests that she chew some gum or close her eyes and think about... but Fern is tapping him on the shoulder. "Forget it, Luigi," he advises.

Luigi gets emotional and says the project is very important for him. He's put up with all of their mood swings, and he just wants them to kiss. If they don't, he'll quit the show. So there, he can be moody too!

Fern and Aurora call for a time-out and march into their respective corners. Fern goes into his dressing room and tells the mirror that he can't kiss another woman because then he'd be betraying Lety. He takes out his wallet photo and pleads with Lety to understand that although his love for her (still "usted") is infinite, he's just acting. He has to do it for the show, to pay off "Domensolin," and keep things from going bad for his parents.

He reaches into his pocket and holds up his defaced Aurora picture next to his ugly Lety photo. "I can do it, I can do it," he encourages himself, warming up for his scene.

Meanwhile, Aurora is pacing in the hallway, rhetorically asking Aldo (who isn't there) what she should do. She doesn't want to betray him, but if she doesn't do the kiss, this whole Aurora scam will have been for naught. She prays to God for forgiveness.

Luigi is still sulking on the stage with his hands clasped in a prayer of his own when Aurora and Fern come back. Luigi asks Aurora what she's decided. Aurora wants to know who's watching in the booth - the executives? Luigi says yes, everyone - Marcia, Caro, Omar, Aldo... everyone. Nervously (borderline-Lety), Aurora says "If I have to do it, then I have to do it."

"Then I quit!" Luigi squeaks. Then he does a double-take. "You'll do it?" "Yes." Luigi flies off the stage and into the booth, hugging everyone happily. He calls Action.

Fernando asks Aurora to close her eyes and pucker up. He says it's an acting technique he read on the Internet. (And what else have you been reading on the Internet, Fern?) She complies, and when her eyes are closed, he holds up the modified Aurora picture next to her face. (At this point, you should be having flashbacks of Fern and Lety's first kisses, when Fern was using a photo of Paty Manterola for inspiration.)

He puts the picture away while Aurora is still puckered up, and the two sit on the sofa. The spectators in the booth quake with tension. Luigi tells the lighting guy to do his thing. The rest of the stage darkens, spotlighting Inocencio and Aurora. Started, Fern looks up. Aurora STILL has her eyes shut. Luigi cues another lighting effect - floating colored spotlights. Everyone reacts to the beauty of this effect. Even Aldo is hypnotized. Fern notices that some candles have suddenly ignited, and he seems a bit spooked. Aurora asks what's going on. He tells her it's nothing, but he had thought there was a fire.

Choking with emotion, Luigi calls for the moon. Lovely Luna obediently hovers into place over the fake-looking cityscape outside the window. Fern mutters to Aurora about how nasty Luigi's being.

Caro grins in anticipation.

"Forgive me, Lety..." Fern whispers as he haltingly reaches for Aurora. Aurora's eyes snap open in surprise as Fernando's face moves in.

"Kiss her! Kiss her!" Luigi weeps, enthralled yet again with his own brilliance.

It takes about a quarter of a second for the kiss to become seriously hot. Caro beams. Fern and Aurora come to their senses and spring apart with a sound effect. Luigi yells "CUT!" and the two stars run back to their corners.

"It can't be!" Fern tells himself in the mirror. He flashes back to several memorable Fern/Lety kisses. He can't decide whether Aurora kisses like Lety, or if she is Lety. He tentatively decides that she's Lety.

He runs into Omar in the Vortex of Stupidity and gives him a bear-hug. He says he always has Omar to tell his good things and his bad things; his stupid things and his nice things too. He thanks Omar and says "it was her!" Perplexed, Omar asks for an explanation; these guys should know better than to try to communicate difficult concepts in the Vortex. Fern explains that those lips (he pulls Omar's lip playfully) - that kiss - it was her.

Fern doesn't even give Omar a chance to ask. He says it'll be enough if just he and his mother understand. Then he tells Omar in a gleeful voice that it was Lety. "I kissed Lety, Carvajal!" At Omar's astonished reaction, Fern says he was sitting in front of Aurora, but then he clearly sensed that she was Lety. No, he's not hallucinating. He's not losing his marbles. He repeats that yes, it was Aurora, but he felt that it was Lety. It was the flesh of Lety, her aroma, her breath. It was her. (He demonstrates the eye-twitch, just in case Omar's forgotten who Lety is.)

Fern backpedals a bit, saying that it was Lety incarnate. It was a more sophisticated version of Lety. But... but... Fern is clearly confused. He stalks off without letting Omar get a word in edgewise.

Then he comes running back, nearly knocking Omar over with another hug. "Thanks for listening to me, buddy. I love talking with you, and what you say really helps." He slugs Omar on the arm and takes off again.

Back on the set, Marcia is telling Luigi and Aldo how amazing it is that Fern became an actor practically overnight. Aldo laughs and agrees that Fern is a stupendous actor. Omar arrives just in time to hear Luigi saying that the kiss was so real, so sublime... it seemed like Fern and Aurora were in love. Marcia says it was all thanks to Luigi's great directing, as always.

I have just one question. Have these people been slurping peyote martinis out of lead goblets? Garnished with mercury-stuffed olives? I can't tell whether they're hallucinating, brain-damaged, or just plain crazy.

Aldo says he thinks that Fernando wrote the kiss scene with an ulterior motive in mind. Marcia is intrigued by this idea, but Luigi nixes it - nope - he wrote that part all by himself, because he's so creative, to give it that romantic touch.

Meanwhile, Aurora looks in the mirror and touches her lips. "Don Fernando kissed me," she tells herself in her Lety voice. Caro finds her and teases her about the kiss. L'Aurorety tries to pass the whole thing off as acting, but quickly reverts to babbling. "Don Fernando kissed me, Carolina! Don Fernando kissed me!" She worries that Aldo saw her. "I feel awful!"

Carolina reminds her that Aldo doesn't know that his megasqueeze Lety is disguised as Aurora. "But I know it, Carolina! I know I felt bad because Aldo was there." Plus, he saw HOW Fernando kissed her.

Fern parks himself outside her dressing room and asks to come in. For some reason, the women agree that it would be better if Fern didn't see them together, so she haughtily answers, "I'll see you in your dressing room in a minute." Fern leaves, and Caro says she'll go get a coffee. Caro gives Lety a blessing and reminds Lety to call Aldo.

Those crazy kids

Carolina sneaks down the hallway and runs into Omar. He says he heard she was in Aurora's dressing room, which is why I don't understand why she was sneaking. Oh well! She says she was about to go for a coffee. He says okay, and she starts fiddling with her hair. (They are slightly awkward and bashful. And cute.) He mentions that they haven't talked about last night. Caro says right, last night, at her house, when they were together. :-)

Omar asks Caro how she's doing. "Uh, why do you ask?" she asks suspiciously. "Oh, just a question," he replies coolly. "Okay, I'm doing well, many thanks, very nice, I'll go now, excuse me!" And she marches past him coldly. Omar tries to detain her, but only manages to stammer helplessly. Caro answers even more coldly, "See you later, thanks. I've got a lot of things to do." And she starts down the hallway, but before she turns the corner, she hears Omar scolding himself for being an oaf. She pauses, but then keeps walking.

Alone at last, Omar says, "Why didn't you tell her that you like her, that she fascinates you, and her eyes, and her mouth, and you want to be with her again? That you want to be with her forever?"

Why indeed.

Caro has a similar conversation with herself in the next hallway... actually she's just scolding herself for thinking that Omar was going to declare his love.

In the Whirlpool of Insipidness

Alicia is loafing in Marcia's office and bemoaning the end of her little check-forging scam. She finds a magazine article: "Analyze His Handwriting and DOMINATE Him." This gives her an idea, and I'm sure it's ingenious, but we don't get to hear her explain it because Marcia comes in at that moment. Marcia is not pleased to find Alicia there. Alicia invites Marcia to sit... in the guest chair. Marcia protests, and they switch. Alicia says she just needed to be alone so she could think. I think Marcia suggests that Alicia go to the moon to think, but I'm not sure.

Alicia shows Marcia the magazine article and asks if she believes in such things. "Your man's signature can help you discover his potential sensuality and creativity," Marcia reads. She makes a surprised face... but I think it's the "what an idiot you are" kind of surprise.

This is not how the Scientific Method works

Aurora is doing her best to be snooty with Fern, but he reassures himself that it was Lety's flesh, aroma, breath. He grins goofily at the memory. Then he catches Aurora giving him the evil eye, and his smile disappears. He says he has a question for her; he has to ask, because it's driving him crazy. He says, "I kissed you, but I felt that you weren't you, it wasn't you, it was someone else. But it was you." He doesn't sound very sure.

"Who were you kissing?" Aurora asks, struggling to keep her composure. Fern stammers and says he needs to conduct an experiment. He'll have to touch her a little bit. It won't hurt. It's just a little experiment.

She doesn't protest, so he reaches out with his finger and tweaks the corner of her eye! (It's too bad he can't hear the sound effect, because that would give it away for sure.) She continues to stare at him coolly through her other eye!

Four minutes or eight commercials later, he's still doing it. She pushes his hand away and he stammers some more. Her phone rings - I can tell by the dismayed look on her face that it's Aldo, the man who has totally won her heart and makes her happier than any other man on earth. She excuses herself to take the call. While she's gone, he amuses himself by looking at the altered Aurora photo some more.

She takes the call in the hallway and tells Aldo in her sexiest baby-voice that she's been very busy doing things. He's curious as to what sorts of things can be so important that she's never at the office. He was starting to think she might be too busy to answer the phone, too. He says she has no idea how much he misses her.

She flashes back to the Aurora/Inocente kiss on the sofa. "Aldo, I love you. Never doubt it, okay?" He assures her that he loves her too. "Thanks, and forgive me," she says. This makes him curious, but for once he doesn't push it.

She goes back into the dressing room with a pensive look on her face. Fern hurriedly puts the picture away. "Are you okay?" he asks her. "No," she answers quietly. She explains that it's because of love. Fern says he's cried over love too. A love that he himself sullied and betrayed. "What a shame," Aurora says coldly, not meeting his eyes. She suggests that they not talk about it.

He asks if she's very much in love. She turns her back to him, but now she sees him in the mirror. "Does he love you like you deserve?" She has no answer for this either. Fern explains that he deceived the woman he loved, and lost her. He advises her never to deceive or lie to the one she loves, nor let him deceive her or lie to her.

Aurora keeps her own eyes on Lety's and doesn't say a word. Fern excuses himself and leaves. "I'm deceiving Aldo," she finally says out loud. "Every time I become Aurora, I deceive him." She can no longer look herself in the eye. She begins to write on a loose piece of paper.

The Newlyweds Game

Tomas is balancing the books in his orange office. He's wearing an orange and off-white striped shirt. Did I ever mention that orange was my favorite color? He asks himself, "When am I going to pay all these taxes?" He laughs and says maybe it'll be the same day his chica lets him into her bed.

Said chica comes in and tells him he's more handsome today than ever. She puts a folder in front of him and asks him to sign his name. She says that from his signature, she can discover how sensual and creative he is. He is skeptical. She assures him that all the psychoanalysts and architects (yes, she said "architects") in the world are into this stuff.

Tomas relents and agrees to sign. Then he hesitates. He reminds her that he can be sensual, when he's around her. He'd love to demonstrate for her, if she'd just let him. She pushes him away and says that first, he must sign. She hints that it will inspire her. Plus, it's not just about sensuality - it's also about creativity. "But they're the same thing," Tomas argues.

She calls him "little dog's ear," and that almost seals the deal. Almost. He asks her to leave the room so he can sign in private. She complains that he wants to keep secrets from her.

Later, Tomas agonizes alone in his office about the signature. He's afraid that if he signs his name, he'll reveal too much of himself. (Get real, Tomas. She's already seen you naked.) "She could manipulate me!" he realizes. He weighs this against the possibility that it could get him some action with his wife. Still, it seems strange to him.

He looks at the magazine she left. On the one page is an underwear ad with a pretty girl. He reminds himself that he already has a chica, and continues flipping pages. He finds the handwriting analysis article. He decides to beat Alicia at her own game. (See metagaming). For example, the article warns that if a man's letters are too small, just imagine what else might be small! Tomas nods knowingly - they're referring to the size of his intelligence, of course! So he's going to give her a big, big signature.

Alicia comes in just as he's about to finally commit some ink. He jumps up guiltily and says he'll let her know when he's done. She says okay, but she hopes that's before she has grey hair and is walking with a cane. She reminds him to hurry, and gives him his privacy.

Tomas turns back to the magazine article and vows to himself that when she sees his signature, she's going to go crazy with desire.

In the Monster Ladyparts Seashell of Doom Grotto

Fern has changed into a white or possibly pale lavender shirt with a purple tie. Luigi says he's ready to edit the show, and he thinks it's going to be deee-vine. He hints (okay, says) that Fern should give him a lot of money for this. Fern says he doesn't have any and asks why he should give it to Luigi anyway. Luigi reminds him that it was his idea for Fern to kiss Aurora.

"That wasn't Aurora," Fern mutters. He retreats to the batcave, leaving a confused Luigi to ask himself, "My God, who understands those machos?"

Fern finds a note taped to his lamp. It reads, "Forgive me, but I cannot agree to kiss you because I would be betraying the man that I love."

As if Aurora would ever write such a courteous, heartfelt note and then personally leave it in his office!

"Ah, I remember when Lety loved me that way," Fern sighs. "If she loved me like that right now, as much as Aurora loves her boyfriend, I'd be very happy."

(Oh Fern, you dumbass. I love you, but you're a dumbass.)

Clothes make the man

Lety is back. She's wearing sort of an orchid-colored gigantic blazer. She's ready to leave with Aldo, but he has to go to the publisher first and do some Flavor of Life stuff. Lety makes her most childish face (think Peewee Herman) and complains that he's going to see Carmina, aka Stalker Chick. "Of course - my favorite writer," Aldo teases. He kisses her forehead (strangely enough, I don't need a cold shower after seeing this) and he tweaks her chinny-chin and they exchange baby-talks and say goodbye.

Oh - I just realized they're in the Vortex. Well, that never helps.

She goes into the Grotto and finds Fern in her chair, praying to the seashell painting. (Today the pencils are all yellow.) He gets up nervously, but she invites him to keep his seat. She takes the guest chair. He confesses that today, while shooting the program, he kissed Aurora. He didn't want to, but Luigi made him do it. And when he kissed her, he felt like he was kissing Lety instead. Lety hems and haws and says that she doesn't look anything like Aurora, right? He agrees, but he still felt as though she and Aurora were the same person.

Lety decides that this would be a good time to switch seats. I guess it's a magical seat, because it gives her confidence. She goes into Boss mode and tells him to forget about it; it's absurd. He suggests that perhaps he wants Lety and Aurora to be the same person because he misses Lety so much. That's why the kiss clicked. And maybe that's why he's falling in love with Aurora.

Lety warns him that it would go very badly if he were to fall in love with Aurora. He gets up to go back to his batcave. He pauses at Lety's side and whispers in her ear, "Know what? Aurora's not too bad of an actress." (Lety smirks triumphantly.) He adds that it was hard to flirt with her when they were acting, she's not crazy about him. Lety says that's why he should forget about this absurd idea of being with Aurora. (I may have screwed this part up a little - someone correct me if I got it wrong.) Fern says, "They say that from hate, love is born." (That seems kinda backwards too.) He goes to the batcave.

"No, no, no, no!!" Lety says, banging her desk. Fern pops out of the batcave to check on her. She sends him back in and curses that damn kiss with Don Fernando. She repeats that Don Fernando doesn't mean anything to her. Nothing, nothing, nothing. (Who is she trying to convince?)

"Don Fernando. So divine!"

In the Delta of Ennui

In the boys' clubhouse (now sporting all yellow pens, no green ones), Omar plays with a toy on his desk, moping. Fern plays with some other trinket and finally flings it at Omar to get his attention. Fern invites Omar to open up and cry on his shoulder, if necessary.

(I would like a poster of this.)

Omar says he doesn't understand Carolina. They were together the other night, it was marvelous, and now not so much. Fern says maybe she doesn't feel the same way as Omar. Omar says he knows when he's with a woman, if he has satisfied her... Fern says "Me yes... you, I don't know." Omar says he knows, too. And he needs to know why Carolina is being so indifferent to him now.

Fern says Omar's wasting his time asking him... he should ask Caro instead. Omar is horrified by the prospect of having to make himself vulnerable to her. Fern says there isn't another way to find out what's in a woman's heart. Unless he wants to read seashells or something. (Well, Juana will be happy to do it for him, if he wants!) Omar says he's an expert at seducing models and dancers, but in this case he doesn't know what to do. He's never felt this way inside before. It hurts.

Fern laughs and says maybe Omar has gas! "I've never had gas! - uh, that is, I've never had to confess this to anyone." In fact, when he explained himself to Aurora, she took off. "I'm an amateur," he says.

Fern firmly says that if Omar doesn't say it, he's not going to find out.

The Return of the Cuartel

Lety tells PM that she's going to see Aldo - he wants to show her something. Away she goes. Martha tells the cuartel she feels like having a sandwich. Sara scolds her and says they only ate two hours ago. "That long?" Martha answers in horror. Her innards have been churning with hunger. PM and Lola worry that it's abnormal, and urge her to go to a doctor. She says she's not sick. Sara says if she keeps eating all the time, she'll become sick. Martha says there's nothing more healthy than eating. "Not to excess," PM says. "Fine - if you see me overdoing it, warn me," Martha says.

"You're overdoing it!" they chorus. Martha makes a face. Sara says it's a waste of their time to worry about her. She's a lost cause. PM agrees. They begin to disperse. Then Martha doubles over. They all rush back to her. She admits that she just had a stomach cramp (retortijón) - but it was just a little one. They offer to take her to a doctor, but she wants to finish her sandwich! They take it away from her, but she demands and takes it back.

Let's not forget the client

Marcia meets with Jacques at RetroMod. She updates him on the TV show and says Luigi's editing it now. She asks how he wants to promote it. (Jacques grabs a piece of paper and yellow pencil. Seriously, no pens in any office in Mexico city?) He wants to create a lot of buzz for the show's premiere. He wants to raise people's expectations as high as possible. She tells him to watch what they come up with.

At Carolina's

Carolina mopes and wonders why she feels so strongly for Omar. She thinks about how much she likes him, and picks up the phone. Then she changes her mind and throws it on the couch. She does a little impression of Omar saying "Carolina, you know that you and I are good friends."

"I'm an idiot. I can't fool myself about Omar," she tells herself.

More words of wisdom

Omar visits Fernando in the batcave. Well, no, actually he just walks into the batcave, looks at Fern, then walks out. Hey - someone should let Carolina know that this is how Omar is behaving around everyone these days.

Omar comes back in, takes a deep breath, and says "Okay, suppose that you're right and I tell Caro what I'm feeling; to show her my love I would have to bring her a gift. But what can I give Carolina to tell her how happy she's made me, how she's made me feel?"

Hmm. Interesting question, Omar. Let me remind you of some of the gifts you gave Fern to give Lety: Stuffed animals, some of them creepy-looking. Candy. Mushy cards. A pot of tulips.

Omar can't hear me. Or can he? Here are the ideas he shares with Fern: Flowers. Teddy bear. Chocolates. Maybe take her to the movies...

Fern sits there mutely. Omar thanks him profusely. He grabs Fern's hand and hauls him up for a big hug. He thanks Fern for his helpful words and leaves.

Fern asks himself if he could be falling in love with Aurora.

Filler scene

The cuartel (including a rejuvenated Martha) gather around Luigi and ooh and ahh as he edits the show. They get too noisy and he tells them to return to their caves, but Juana wants to see this particular scene one more time. He refuses and sends them away.

Oh, just sign it already

Saimon and Celso are now assisting Tomas with the complicated project of creating a signature that will knock Alicia off her feet. Saimon says that Tomas will have to make the letter P very round. (There's no "P" in Tomas Mora.) The X (also not in Tomas's name) should be large and square. Tomas points out that he needs to know how to make his T and his M. Celso takes the magazine away from Saimon and says he can't find those letters.

"Oh no, that can't be! I need them to write my name!" Tomas takes the magazine from Celso. Celso and Saimon laugh. (I'm guessing this is the same joke as "the word 'gullible' isn't in the dictionary. Ha-ha, made you look!") They tease him and make fun of his task. Tomas explains why it's important to him. Celso and Saimon are surprised to hear that Tomas and Alicia have not had any hanky-panky yet. Tomas backpedals and claims that they have done stuff, but... he gets flustered and kicks them out. "It's a true scandal," Saimon and Celso repeat to one another. They are in a highly confused state and you just know this is going to end up in a distorted mess by the time it gets to the cuartel.

Tomas sits down with the pen and, after a few more false starts, lets it sink slowly down towards the paper...

Goody goody gumdrop!

Aldo is preparing to give Lety a big surprise. Don't worry, it's nothing gross. It's just a photo... of a honkin' big yacht. He wants to have their wedding on this yacht.

Lety loves it. They then share their first serious kiss since Acapulco. (I just noticed Lety's little curlicues in front of her ears. They used to be slicked-down sideburns. When did she get rid of the sideburns? I never noticed until tonight.)

Unfortunately for Aldo, Lety is not any more focused on Aldo than I am on the kiss. While I'm thinking about her sideburns, she's thinking about Aurora and Inocente swappin' spit on the sofa in front of cameras and the executive staff of Conceptos. She realizes what's happening and pulls away from Aldo in shock.

"My love, what's wrong?" Aldo asks cluelessly.

Is it just me, or is this getting really weird?

---

Monday
Lety goes spastic and begins plotting Aurora's death.

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