Caray, Caray!

Just to warn you, this one ended up being a little longer than usual. I figured since it was my last Duelo recap, and with it being an important episode, I would remove some of my internal controls that usually rein in my verbosity. I just let the rambling flow today. Here we go with the penultimate episode -

As the torch wielding lynch mob, with Thelma on horseback behind it, confronts Orlando, Luba, and Gaspar, Orlando and Thelma hurl insults at each other. Luba puts on her witch act to try and scare them off. Poor Gaspar yells out that Thelma is a bad person, though he still refers to her as ‘munequita,’ and that she has always been bad to him. She doesn’t care. She calls him retarded. Luba decides to reveal the truth about Thelma’s baby, but Thelma gets the crowd to agree, before Luba gets the words out, that Luba is a witch and can’t be believed. Orlando draws a gun to hold the crowd back.

Elias the wimp paces nervously while the prosecutor (Vargas?) tells him to calm down. Yeah right, he has a target on his forehead. Elias goes on about how much he loves Soledad. Elias continues his pacing.

Orlando shoots above the crowd to scare them back. There is a standoff. Orlando says they’ll find another way out of SE, Thelma says no way dude wherever you go we will find you. Orlando, Luba, and Gaspar leave, the crowd tries to follow them. This is a weak lynch mob, whenever they find Luba and Gaspar they try to kill them with yelling. It didn’t work the first couple times, just because now it is night and you actually lit your torches, it won’t work any better this time. I guess we shouldn’t expect a good plan, since the group is led by dumb and dumber, Vera and Ifigenio.

There is a knock on the church door, the priest opens it. In comes Don Loco with his gun out (I mean that literally, not some euphemism, this is on broadcast TV) and drags Soledad in behind him. Don Loco tells the priest that he and Soledad want to renew their wedding vows. Yes, he has completely lost it. The priest doesn’t really look like he’s up for it.

Luba, Gaspar, and Orlando return to their cave. Orlando says the cave is more secure than the immaculate cabin. Luba astutely says, “Where do you think they’ll look first when we aren’t at the cabin?” She left out ‘dumbass’ but the implication was there. Orlando says then they will be here waiting for them. Gaspar says something about the cofre, Orlando wants to know what is in it. Luba opens the cofre. Are we FINALLY GOING TO SEE WHAT IS IN THE DAMNED COFRE?

First we have to listen to Don Loco be crazy some more. He tells Soledad that it looks like she forgot the vow she made before God to be at his side until death. I guess he forgot the part of his vows where he shows some respect to his wife. Maybe in Mexico they don’t have the men say that part, but anyway. The priest says he is offending the house of God, I agree, but Don Loco tells him to hurry up already, they’re in a hurry. I don’t know if Soledad has just given up or she’s too scared to try and resist, or what. I was going to say that she has returned to her old completely helpless self, but I guess she never got away from that. She has done nothing to help herself for the entire six months of this show.

Elias, sporting a nice black eye, is still pacing around nervously. He appears to be drinking coffee, I don’t know if that’s the best thing for him now. With his nerves already frayed, that coffee will make him climb the walls and make a few extra trips to the bathroom. Emiliooo enters and says what are you waiting for? Let’s go! I guess he didn’t want to kick back with a cigar and watch other people do stuff, it’s time for action! Alina and Elias commiserate about their worry. They are off to SE to try and rescue Soledad. Emiliooo unnecessarily states that it will be difficult. Thank you for clearing that up.

Another cofre teaser – Luba tells Orlando that all the secrets of her herbs (is that really what she said?) are in the cofre. Gaspar says that she told him they could never tell what was in there, she says there isn’t any reason to remain quiet any longer.

The priest starts his ceremony. He asks DL if he reaffirms his vows to Soledad, he says yes. The priest asks Soledad, she just starts crying. DL tells her to answer. She says yes. She can barely get the words out. The priest looks disappointed.

Rosendo, who wears some sweet 70’s vintage clothing, is playing pool when the cops bust in and arrest him for the death of Claudia’s mother. I guess he wasn’t trying to hide out from the law. He goes along quietly. Claudia and Angel are there to witness it. Angel uses the excuse of comforting her to give her a full body, hip to hip, hug. I don’t blame him. I’d say he’s just days away from sealing the deal here. Crazy mom is out of the way, Rosendo is out of the way, I expect them to be married or at least engaged by the end of El Gran Final. She was dumb to cave to her mother the other day, but otherwise she seems normal enough. Don’t screw this up Angel. You stupidly ignored Sexy Nurse Suzi, you got lucky and rebounded with hottie store clerk Claudia. You won’t continue to be this lucky, quit while you’re ahead.

Emiliooo brings the gang to his hacienda. They sure got there fast. It’s going to be their base of operations. Emiliooo notes that nobody was there to receive them, he knows Santos is gone, but where is everyone else? Maybe Emiliooo and his merry band can break up the witch hunt.

Gaby says she isn’t afraid anymore, Doctora Loca told her that bad guys always get caught by the police. Tina is pleased that she is smiling again. Rodrigo comes in and they all have a happy reunion.

The lynch mob is outside Luba’s cave. One of them runs up and throws an explosive in the door, there is a nice big boom. Inside, they hear it and it makes the room shake, but nothing else. I guess the cave is farther inside the mountain than I thought. I always thought that the door there went directly outside, which would have had the explosion right in the middle of the living room. There must be some long entryway. Inside it sounds like an earthquake, the cave is collapsing. Luba, Gaspar, and Orlando make a run for it. I rewound to make sure, yes, someone grabbed the cofre on the way out. For a second I thought they left it there, and it would get buried, that would have been a nice plot twist but would have majorly pissed me off. Phew.

Coming out of the commercial, the bumper is Alina from back at the beginning of the show. She looks 20 times hotter here than in the show itself. What happened? Don’t they film the show over a shorter period of time than it even takes to watch it? How can she change so much in such a short period of time? It’s not like she got ugly or anything, but at the beginning of the show I regularly thought “Wow she’s hot” but I don’t remember the last time I thought that. I only noticed her ongoing battle with her shirts. Ah well, who knows.

SA is holding the baby in the living room of Emiliooo’s house. Emiliooo and Alina enter, surprised to see her there. Emiliooo has gone for quite an interesting look, a white buttoned shirt hanging out, a tan cowboy jacket, and an enormous cowboy hat. His footsteps sound like he’s wearing cowboy boots too. He isn’t used to walking in them, apparently, he stumbles a bit. Either that or he’s drunk. With the shirt hanging out, his look can be described as ‘drunk city guy dressed up as a cowboy.’ He asks SA what she is doing there. SA looks impactado, which is premature since the scene isn’t over at this point. Oh wait, it is. That might be the shortest scene in the history of this show. I’m going to go back and time it. 11 seconds. WTF. These writers have some serious ADD.

Luba and Gaspar run like hell through the forest. She yells at him to tell her where he left Orlando, Gaspar says he was in the cave. He’s going to go check, but she stops him. Luba is worried about him being missing, since he was protecting them with his gun. Gaspar whines that he doesn’t know where to go. Just then Thelma and the lynch mob (I’d say that is a great name for a band, but it was actually already used for a band, and they sucked. So never mind.) appear out of nowhere and Thelma says “oh, poor you.” Um, how did they get so close without Luba and Gaspar seeing the 50 torches? Thelma says she’s going to send them to hell. She starts the witch act again. The lynch mob grabs Luba and Gaspar and prepare to deal with them.

SA starts to tell her story. She says that Thelma and Orlando are here, uh, have they seen Thelma? Emiliooo says no. She says they have to stop her, she is going to do something horrible to Luba and Gaspar. Alina says they need to go check the cave. SA prays. Too late, accomplice.

Soledad and DL walk through the forest. She stops and announces that she is cold, hungry, tired, and thirsty. “Please, let me rest!” DL says there isn’t time for that, they have to get somewhere. She asks where. He says they are going up into the mountains to find a cave to be safe. She begs him to change his mind. Of course he doesn’t. What is it with this guy and caves?

Tina gives Rodrigo some tea. Rodrigo is happy to be home. Tina tells him about the phone calls from Thelma, and tells him that Thelma is the one who kidnapped Gaby. Rodrigo looks like he would kill her right then and there. With all the scores to be settled, there better be one hell of a grand shootout on Monday, not something lame like DL and Thelma both getting hit by a car.

Malena is impressed with Coral’s digs. Coral looks horrible, like she has a silver dollar cold sore. I know it’s a bruise, but bleah. She tells Malena the long list of people who are living with her now. Adela enters and is introduced to Malena. Coral tells Adela that tomorrow she’s going to hire some more household help. Poor Adela. They come here and while everyone else mooches off of Coral, Adela gets put to work. Angel and Claudia enter. They tell Coral that Rosendo killed Claudia’s mother. Coral is impactada.

DL and Soledad sit by a fire. I guess DL had this place stocked already, Soledad is drinking from a metal cup. She asks if they are going to live there, he says of course not. When they stop looking for him, they’ll go somewhere else. She says they’ll never stop looking, he says they will. He tries to kiss her, she says no, not now. He leaves her to rest. She prays to the Virgin for help.

Rodrigo is super pissed about Thelma. Tina explains that she wanted Alina far away, this was her crazy plan to make that happen. Rodrigo busts out that excellent line “Va a pagar muy caro.” She will pay dearly. Tina fills him in on Coral being suspicious first, then Doctora Loca got Gaby to spill the whole story. Since Tina, above all, is metiche, she can’t help but tell Rodrigo how Doctora Loca is nice, pretty, and a good person. Lady, he just found out that someone he knows kidnapped his daughter, he isn’t looking for a blind date. Cripes. And besides, Doctora Loca isn’t all that great, Tina, you don’t know about her burying her face in DL’s moustache. Ugh I got a flip in my stomach just writing that. Rodrigo says “yeah, yeah, she’s great.” He is polite to a fault. He should have told her that now is definitely not the time. Perhaps Tina knows that there are only 90 minutes left of this show and she’s trying to move it along.

Soledad is still awake. DL says he can see the stars, it is a romantic evening. Soledad tells him to leave her alone. He says this is their second honeymoon. He tries to get her to recall their first. She shuts him down. He tells her how much he loves her. She doesn’t want any of it. He figures she is just tired. She says yeah, that’s it, I need to rest.

Luba is tied to a stake, ready to burn. She tells the lynch mob to think about what they are doing. They decide to burn her. Gaspar, who isn’t tied up, cries miserably for his mama. Poor guy, he does a good job of being upset. I guess they are only going to burn Luba, I thought all this time that they wanted to torch both of them. Thelma tells Gaspar to shut up. She says if he didn’t do what he did at the Devil’s Cave, none of this would have happened. Ifigenio puts his torch to the kindling around Luba. She yells to Gaspar to save himself. She and Gaspar both cry and scream. Jeez it’s like a horror movie, it goes on and on. When will Emiliooo and Alina show up to save the day? Maybe after the commercial.

Hey was there no Asi es la Vida commercial today, or did I just fast forward through it?

The fire is still burning, Luba and Gaspar are still screaming. Emiliooo rides up and says “What’s going on here?” Alina, behind him, sees what is happening and tells him it’s Luba! Alina walks up next to Vera, who completely freaks out at seeing Alina alive. Suddenly the lynch mob starts trying to put out the fire. Ha I can’t get over Emiliooo riding up and asking what’s up, like he was approaching his buddies at the bar. “So what’s going on?” Idiot. Luba thanks the Virgin for saving her. Alina starts in on Vera, wanting to know what’s going on. Alina tells her that she is alive thanks to Luba and Gaspar. Vera says, “So she’s not a bad witch?” (I’m having a Monty Python moment here.) Alina says no, she is good and everyone needs to show her some respect. “She saved me from the evil of my father.” Emiliooo helps Luba down from her stake. She and Gaspar have a tearful reunion. Emiliooo confronts Thelma, wanting to know what she’s doing there. Alina runs up like a tattletale and says that Thelma is the one who incited the lynch mob to go after Luba.

Everyone tries to comfort Claudia. Claudia says now she is alone. Angel, on cue, says no, she isn’t alone, he is there for her. Coral says “What about me? Claudia you are like a sister to me.” Really? You hired her to work in your store like a week ago and now she is like a sister to you? I need to go get a job in her store, after a week I’ll be like a brother to her, then I’ll move my family into her mansion and mooch. Coral says that now with Claudia and Malena living here, they will be like a big family. Angel says they already locked up Rosendo, he hopes he’ll be inside for a long time. After how easily DL got out, don’t count on it. Duelo de Pasiones II – Rosendo Returns. Coming soon. Featuring an all 70’s/shiny shirt wearing cast.

Thelma runs away from Emiliooo. Vera the turncoat immediately screams out that Thelma is the one who got them all after Luba in the first place, and she knew the truth about Alina being alive! Ifigenio says yeah, let’s get her! They all cheer and start to run after Thelma. (I’m having another Monty Python moment here. If you have watched Life of Brian and Quest for the Holy Grail more than a few times this will seem like something right out of one of those. “Yes! We are all individuals!” There were frequent witch-related bits in there too. If you haven’t seen them, what is your problem? I can understand the TV show being too much to sit through, but those movies are classic.) Emiliooo tells the lynch mob to stop, they aren’t going anywhere. He is sure that Thelma is going to La Rinconada. He asks the crowd why they were going to torch her, Vera says because they thought she killed Alina! Emiliooo says that of course now they can see that they were wrong. He preaches that nobody can take their own justice, that is what the law is for. He tells them all to beg forgiveness from Luba. Alina checks on Luba and Gaspar, who are holding on to each other for dear life. Luba says how is she supposed to feel? She was on the brink of death!

Thelma storms in and yells at SA, wanting to know if she left the baby alone. SA says no, the baby is here in this house sleeping. Thelma tells her she shouldn’t have come. SA starts to tell her about Emiliooo, Thelma cuts her off and says yeah yeah, Emiliooo knows everything. He stopped them from killing Luba and Gaspar. SA then tells her that Gaby named her (Thelma) as her kidnapper. Uh oh Thelma, looks like it’s all falling apart. You are screwed. SA keeps on about Rodrigo, Thelma pours a drink and yells at her to shut up and help her think of a way out of all this. SA says no, not any more, she is as guilty as Thelma but she won’t fall any farther. Thelma tells her sarcastically to go to church and ask for forgiveness, then even though she could clearly see Emiliooo walking in, she says nobody will ever know what Gaspar did to her. Emiliooo, obviously, then asks, “What did Gaspar do to you?” Thelma gets an ‘uh oh” look. Yeah. Uh oh is right.

Elias tells Vargas that there are a lot of caves and DL knows them very well. Elias is desperate to know how Soledad is doing.

Emiliooo demands an answer. Thelma says she doesn’t have to answer. Alina wants to know why Thelma holds such a grudge against Luba and Gaspar. Thelma is taking the “I don’t have to tell you anything” approach, which of course is code for “I am so guilty of a number of things, I don’t even know where to start.” She says she’s leaving, Emiliooo stops her and says she’s staying until she provides some answers. Alina says that if Thelma doesn’t talk to them, she’ll have to talk to Vargas. Emiliooo agrees and says he’ll file accusations against her. Luba enters and says something confusing, but I think she means that she will tell everyone what Thelma won’t. Oh this is it, finally! Luba takes a long time to tell it, but she tells them that Thelma’s baby isn’t Emiliooo’s, it is Gaspar’s! Emiliooo is super end of show slow motion impactado. He looks like he got kicked in the nuts, then he looks down at Thelma like “oh you bitch.” The impactado was long enough for him to do all that. And right in the middle of a scene! We haven’t seen the super/end of show/slow motion impactado trifecta anywhere but at the very end of an episode. If any scene called for it, this was it. Thelma, of course, immediately starts yelling at Luba for telling her little secret. She says it’s a lie. Gaspar enters and says “My mama isn’t a liar! I kissed you in the Devil’s Cave!” Thelma insists it isn’t true. She tells Emiliooo that the baby is his, and she is his wife! (What does that have to do with anything?) Alina took some smart pills, because immediately she steps up and says she knows Luba doesn’t lie, so fine, nobody leaves, we’ll have a DNA test. Thelma is really grasping for straws, she tells Alina “Who are you to be involved in this? Shut up!” Emiliooo tells her no, YOU shut up. Recess is almost over kids, let’s get on with this. Thelma still tries to play the victim and tells Emilioo that she has put up with a lot from him, but she’ll never forgive him for humiliating her in front of these people. She storms out, SA hurrying along behind her (why?) but this time nobody stops her. Luba tells Emiliooo that he knows that she hasn’t ever lied to him, she is telling the truth. Emiliooo says he doesn’t know, she always told him that Gaspar created his infatuation with Thelma from nothing, now she is telling him something else. Wow when did everyone get so sensible? I have to agree that he has a point there. Emiliooo says he wants to think. Don’t hurt yourself. Luba tells Gaspar that it’s time to go, he is upset and wants to see his baby. Alina tries to be nice to Emiliooo and then leave, but he tells her to stay with him. That was like the total opposite of the 11 second scene, this one might have been more than five minutes. That’s an eternity for this show.

Thelma goes into her room and slams the door, leaving SA in the hall. She tells SA to leave her alone. SA then thought bubbles “Poor Thelma.” What? Poor Thelma? She will be getting what she deserves. Thelma in her room curses Gaspar. She knows what the DNA test will show.

SA talks to the baby, who is wide awake. He is quite a nice looking baby, no wonder SA can’t leave him alone. She tells him not to worry, he isn’t guilty of any of what his mom did. She says nothing will happen to him. Emiliooo and Alina enter, Emiliooo asks for and receives a moment alone with the baby. He asks the baby if he is his son. He has a sweet little talk about how he loved him when he first saw him and if he isn’t really his son, he still won’t leave him alone. Now he has to help Vargas find DL. Emiliooo shouldn’t worry, doesn’t he know that every virgin who has sex before marriage gets pregnant the first time? Alina must be about a week along at this point. Downstairs, he sees Orlando and snaps at him “what are you doing here?” Orlando says he has to talk to him, Thelma cheated on him, the baby isn’t his! Poor Orlando, he’s always late with the news. Hasn’t this happened to him before? Emiliooo is slightly impactado again. Maybe he’s wondering how everyone in the world knows about the baby except him.

Gaspar plays with the horse he whittled for his baby. He is upset that Emiliooo didn’t believe them. Gaspar wants to find a cave nicer than the one they had before and live there with his son. Luba says it’s a pretty dream, but the baby will never want for anything living with Emiliooo. Gaspar says he doesn’t need a hacienda, they lived in a cave and were poor, but they are happy and good people. His baby could grow up to be just like him. Alina enters and asks if it is true about Gaspar being the father. She doesn’t answer, but behind her Gaspar nods his head frantically.

Emiliooo wants to know how Orlando knows about this. Orlando says, “You already know?” Emiliooo says Luba just told him, but how does Orlando know? Orlando says he has testimony and proof that Gaspar got busy with Thelma at the Devil’s Cave. Dammit wouldn’t Emiliooo have realized that he didn’t have sex with Thelma anywhere near the time she would have conceived? The 200 years ago mentality these people fall into when it is convenient is maddening. Emiliooo asks why he should believe Orlando after what he did with Alina. Orlando says yes, he was jealous and he lied, but now he is telling the truth. Come to think of it, Orlando really is a snake. He tried that thing with Alina, and remember waaaay back at the beginning of the show, he was trying to get some from Thelma too? I had forgotten that. Emiliooo gets back to his normal self, ignoring reality, and says that he doesn’t believe Orlando or Luba. He tells Orlando to leave, or they are going to have to rumble.

Alina talks to Gaspar and Luba, she says that they need to do the DNA test. Gaspar, who suddenly can barely talk like he’s losing his voice, says he doesn’t want the baby anymore, his munequita took it from him. (What? I went back and it didn’t make sense the second time either. What am I missing here?). Alina says they need to clear it all up. Even if Emiliooo will be sad, they need to know the truth. She then tells Luba that DL took Soleda and they are hiding in the mountains.

I guess Orlando didn’t leave, so there’s gonna be a fight. Orlando says fine, don’t believe me, you’ll be working like a dog to support a retarded kid. Whoa, that’s a low blow, he deserves the whupping Emiliooo is about to give him. Bah the fight gets broken up before it really starts by a couple of the detectives/police/whoever came with Vargas. SA wants to know what’s going on, Emiliooo says Orlando is telling him lies that the baby is Gaspar’s. SA says this time Orlando isn’t lying, she herself knows for a fact that Gaspar is the father. Emiliooo is impactado for the third time at the same news. That has to be a record, impactado at the exact same thing three times in a row.

Luba and Alina worry about Soledad. Gaspar whines that the bad people like Don Loco an Thelma always win. Alina gears up for a speech and says “No Gaspar. Everything will work out, I have faith.” Luba then actually tells Alina that she is strong. Yeah right. She is almost as wimpy as Elias, though today she has shown more brains than usual. The conversation shifts to the cofre. Luba says that DL’s mother gave it to her before she died and Luba wasn’t able to ever give it to DL. Alina asks what the secret it. Luba says she’ll tell her, and tomorrow when the agents find DL, Alina can tell DL. I think that’s what she said. They are just rambling and being dramatic. Gaspar is holding the cofre, it looks like a metal lunchbox.

Emiliooo tries to look dramatically pensive. Thelma comes downstairs to talk to him. Why would she do that? She should be doing a repeat of the old Soledad/Samsonite escape. She calls his name and when he doesn’t answer says “I’m talking to you.” Man she has some nerve. I have to remember any time my wife might speak a little rudely to me that at least she isn’t this woman. Emiliooo says he doesn’t want to see her or hear from her ever again. She says fine, then admits herself that Emiliooo isn’t the father. She says it’s his fault, because she loved him and he always mistreated her and she was jealous. The only reason she was even at the Devil’s Cave that night was that she was looking for him. She says tearfully that the only reason she knocked boots with Gaspar is that she thought it was him, Emiliooo. (Wow she must have been drunk! Gaspar has about two feet more hair and about 75 pounds more muscle. Plus, he talks like a five year old.) Emiliooo wants to know why she said the baby was his. She says so they could be together. Emiliooo says he is going to give the baby to Gaspar, he’ll take care of the baby better than her. She says if he does that, she will kill them! I’m not sure if ‘them’ is Gaspar and the baby, or Gaspar and Luba, or Emiliooo and Alina, or what. But she will kill somebody!

Monday – El Gran Final! Por Fin! The advance shows SA in a complete meltdown because the baby is missing, then we see Gaspar holding his baby, telling him how much he loves him. Aww. (that wasn’t sarcasm.) Then, DL is standing in front of Soledad, who is on a horse, apparently trying to escape. From behind her pops out Alina, who says “Papa?” DL gasps “Alina!” Does he still think she’s dead?

Ok folks this is it! One more big show on Monday! We got the whole Thelma is evil and Gaspar is the father reveals out of the way, all that is left is to find out what is in the damn cofre and for DL to get his final reward. See you in Amar Sin Limites! (In a few weeks anyway, I’m on vacation to Mexico the next two Fridays and someone has graciously volunteered to step in and cover for me. I’ll be back in my regular Friday slot on August 3.)

Labels: duelo

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