Caray, Caray!

Hola Guapistas! We have very little rerun from last night, just Mili talking about how great Rocky is and crying, and then Luciana walks in and announces the change of plans (having found out about Constancio's fake judge scam--a ratbastardly move indeed!).

Constancio is fussing about Valeria being late. Andrea tries to calm him down. Ramses II presents Constancio with a mysterious envelope containing, of course, the pictures of Rocky with the models. Not that I expect this to have any effect since Luciana's found out about his fake judge. Constancio positively gloats over the pictures.

Alejandro and Valeria have a nice sibling moment, wishing each other happiness in marriage and arguing about who will be happier. Their faces are reeeeally close, probably so they don't show us the location. When they pull back, we see they're at Padre Manuel's church! Woo hoo! Alejandro walks Valeria down the aisle to Rocky. They both get a little teary as Rocky asks her to tell him he's not dreaming. They're both very emotional about being "man and wife" even though Rocky makes a joke that he's glad they're going to be "man and wife" because the other way around would have been weird. They start to kiss, but are interrupted by Padre Manuel, who reminds them that the kissing part comes at the end. As Padre Manuel starts, Rocky has to loudly blow his nose, he's crying so hard. Alejandro looks giddy, but Mili looks like her puppy just died. As Padre Manuel continues, Mili bursts into loud, nasty tears and claims to be emotional about the wedding. She tries to resist Alejandro taking her hand to comfort her, but gives in. Next, Lina bursts out with "hey, no fair! Mili didn't cry like this at my wedding!" To which I say "Shut. Up. We're trying to have a freaking wedding here, people! Save it for later." Padre Manuel reminds them they don't have all day. Now Alejandro jumps in and insists 2 couples are getting married today…he and Mili are getting married too! Now Mili flips out on him. She says she doesn't want to marry him and covers that it's because it's his sister's wedding day and she doesn't want to ruin it. Valeria, on the other hand, thinks the more the merrier. Nestor wonders what's going on and Luciana reassures him that it's nothing that can't be fixed. Alejandro and Mili keep arguing as Rocky reminds everyone that he'd really like to get this done before Constancio figures out what's going on and shows up with his trusty shotgun. Mili forcefully insists that Padre Manuel should continue with just the one couple. Now Gloria and Chamuco show up and beg Padre Manuel to marry them, like, now.

Back at the fake wedding, Constancio tells Ramses II that he's going to show the pictures to Valeria once she shows up. Finally, Lic. Robledo and the fake Judge have shown up. Ramses II escorts the fake Judge off. Robledo wants to talk about the shares, but Constancio brushes him off. Once Robledo says he talked to Luciana earlier that day, Constancio realizes what's going on. He yells at Robledo that Luciana didn't know!

Now everybody's standing around at the church. Lina and Mili tell Gloria that they're glad she's not going to end up an old maid spending all her time dressing saints--Sor Cachete objects that there's nothing wrong with dressing saints, eh! Rocky congratulates Chamuco. We see that everything's still on hold. Padre Manuel is objecting to marry Gloria and Chamuco. He tries to say that they've got to do pre-matrimonial stuff first, which Rocky and Valeria didn't have to. PM says they didn't because it was urgent. Which, of course, is why they're stalling so much. He finally gives in and starts over, but nooooo, Alejandro is pissed off that Mili won't marry him today. Rocky wants PM to, uh, skip to the end, please. He starts over from the beginning for about the hundredth time, and now, guess what…Constancio and Ramses II walk in. I mourn for the character assassination of Ramses. He might have wanted to bust up the wedding, but Original Recipe Ramses would never have had the necessary brain cells to concoct a scheme like this.

Pause for rant: Dang it! I thought we'd gotten past all the stupid misunderstandings and people not speaking up about stuff they ought to and drama just for the sake of drama. As if Mili's dead mom not really being dead and Hugo and Karla maybe getting married and raising the baby together and Sober!Luci getting back together with the love of her life and Mili and Alejandro living happily ever after wasn't enough drama? Oh, nooooo, we've got to throw a few more roadblocks in there despite the fact that we all know who's going to end up with who, so, frankly, they just need to get on with it already instead of waiting for the last five minutes of the show to wrap things up. *Sigh* Okay, rant over.

Luciana tries to throw him out of the church, but he shouts her down. Alejandro wants Mili to use this opportunity to go outside and talk. Mili says "pelotas" in church. Valeria has had it and says "quit listening to everyone else, I want to get married!" You're preaching to the choir there, sister. Padre Manuel says there's objections, so…. Valeria tries to appeal to her "papá" and now Constancio says "pelotas" in church and calls Luciana a drunk, so Luciana says "pelotas" to that, which greatly upsets Padre Manuel. Constancio tells Valeria if after he talks to her she still wants to get married, he won't have anything to say. She asks PM for a minute.

I've been reduced to screaming at the TV now. Seriously. Why would anyone agree to something like that? What happened to Valeria's spine?

Padre Manuel's patience is shot. Valeria marches out of the church, throwing off Ramses II. She tells Constancio she's not going to forgive him for this whole thing with the fake judge. She calls him on his crap, calling her his "princess" and then treating her like this. She loves Rocky and he's the only man who will make her happy, etc., etc. He tries to give her the pictures even though he must know they're stupidly faked…but all he cares about is having his way, the ratbastard. Who cares how upset it's going to make her.

Mili refuses to talk about Alejandro. He makes the mistake of mentioning her mom's name. She tells him he's never hurt her this much and accuses him of sleeping with Rosario I, basically. I'll take this moment to digress upon the word "engañar" which literally means "deceive," however, in couple situations it usually means "you rat bastard, you cheated on me with a badly dressed woman who only owns one pair of shoes and also happens to be my mother, although I don't know that yet."

Valeria refuses to look at what's in the envelope, then she agrees because she left her spine in her other pants. She is predictably impactada. Constancio says "That was the bachelor party of that wonderful man who claims to love you above all things." And speaking of men who claim to love Valeria above all things, Consti just needs to shut it, the self-righteous prig who's got skankier photos AND video of himself that sure enough didn't have to be faked. Valeria drops the pictures and leaves.

Mili tells Alejandro she saw him with Rosario Sr. He tries to explain, but "it's a business thing" doesn't quite work with bathrobes involved. Well, it might in Europe. Mili's asking why he did it and why Rosario Jr. was there. He just stands there with a kicked puppy expression since she of the skanky shoes swore him to secrecy. Dude, if there was ever a time to break a promise….She tells him her love for him is dead. Oh, whatever. It'll be resurrected soon enough. She sees Valeria as she's on her way leaving the church. They both cry in each other's arms, although neither of them knows what the other one's crying about.

Everyone's out of the church now and Constancio tosses the pictures at Rocky. They fall on the floor. Everyone's shocked…except Sor Cachete, who's seen it all before. Rocky's confused and says it's not him. The girls assume he really did it, but Bobby thinks it might have been faked. Rocky remembers that there were some girls in the room. Decent of him not to take the easy way out. Luciana, now that she's sober and has more brain cells working, wonders who took the photos. Constancio proudly says Ramses II took the photos, which is when it all clicks for Rocky. He hands the pictures to Bobby to hold so he can punch Ramses. The rest of the men intervene to pull the two apart, but Rocky's too determined.

Valeria and Mili chat. "Three women!" Dang it, Mili, and you want to run a women's center when you're not even capable of questioning things and applying some logic? What, did Rocky have a complete personality transplant, or is it just that all men are scum underneath it all and he would have cheated with three wannabe Victoria's Secret models eventually? Yep, there she goes "all men are the same, Alejandro cheated on me too." Valeria at least can't believe it. Now Valeria's joining in, "they're all pigs." "They always lie and cheat!" Wah, wah, wah. Valeria then says she can't believe Alejandro would do that. Mili says Rocky loved Valeria and he did it too. Mili now wants to confront "that woman." Valeria wants to confront Rocky. They shake on it.

Padre Manuel bemoans all the drama. Gloria tells Sor Cachete she's given up and asks for an application to Nun U. Well, at least that way she can marry God. Sor pulls her aside and says the nun-hood is serious bidness, not something you do out of "despecho" (spite). Besides, she convinced him to get married once…she can probably do it again! Gloria gets back in the ring. She verifies that no one would object at their wedding, and then asks Padre Manuel to marry them "to get the bad taste out of [his] mouth." Sor Cachete chimes in in support and Padre Manuel agrees.

Rocky complains to Alejandro that he doesn't remember being with three beautiful women…and isn't that the kind of thing a person remembers? Alejandro has no sympathy and asks why he didn't throw the women out of his room. Bad best man! That was your job, you idiot! You guard the dang groom and don't let him (a) do anything stupid or (b) run away! Rocky complains that the guys got him way too drunk. Rocky then gets happy and realizes that he must have fallen dead asleep from being so drunk. Alejandro can't believe it, what with the three hot chicks. Rocky starts to recount the story of the time Valeria got him drunk on champagne and he passed out on her, but Alejandro reeeeally doesn't want to hear that story. He says Ramses II must have waited for him to fall asleep and then took the pictures.

Padre Manuel once again attempts to marry somebody (yes, please, just marry somebody, anybody!) today. He asks if Gloria Sanchez agrees to marry, er, what was your name again, Chamuco? (And remember that "Chamuco" is slang for The Devil.) "Carlos del Angel Caído." Sor Cachete and I both crack up laughing. Go on, get the dictionary, I'll wait. See, I told you! Funny stuff there (ok, if you didn't want to look it up, check the end of the recap). Padre Manuel says he'll just call him Carlos. Gloria giddily agrees. Chamuco also agrees with a loud whistle. Padre Manuel pronounces them man and wife and they smooch like there's no tomorrow while Sor Cachete showers them with flower petals. (Mr. 5ft: "Um, they might want to leave before they conceive right there on the altar.") Finally!

Sounds like Alejandro has just filled Rocky in on the whole "Mili's mother's not dead" thing. Rocky says Al's got to convince Rosella D'Liar to come clean. They're at Casa Belmonte. Constancio, shotgun in hand, instructs Ramses II not to let either Valeria or Mili intervene while he "takes care" of Alejandro and Rocky. The guys approach confidently. Constancio says the two of them aren't getting near his daughters! Alejandro's got the end of the shotgun in his face, but he's not backing down.

Rosella D'Loathsome is putting that ridiculous wig back on. Mili shows up asking to speak with her, woman to woman. That's going to be difficult considering neither one of them is acting mature enough for that. Mili tells her that when they first met, she would have liked for someone like Rosella to be her mom, but now she's not going to be deceived. Rosella is confused. Mili tells her to admit that she's there to steal her happiness.

Ramses II is stalking the driveway. As Valeria shows up in a cab, Ramses II jumps in and tries to convince her to leave. He holds the car door so that she won't get out and asks her to go have coffee. The cab driver, thankfully, is paying more attention to Valeria than Ramses II. He finally convinces her by telling her that Rocky isn't at the house, so they should just go have some coffee and then maybe he'll be there by the time they get back. I liked Ramses I better. He would've been too stupid to pull this off.

Alejandro and Rocky are still holding firm. Constancio hasn't put the shotgun down. Much yelling. Sounds like Constancio is looking forward to living into his old age with his two spinster daughters. Cause, come on, it's not a matter of these two not being "good enough," he probably wouldn't think any man is good enough for them. Alejandro calls him on his years of cheating on Luciana and finally tells Constancio that he's going in the house, so if Constancio wants to shoot him, he can shoot him in the back--"it's what you do best." Now it's Rocky's turn. He just says he's going to look for his Chiquita and walks on by.

Rosella D'Loser is trying to explain to Mili that Mili's happiness is what she wants most in life. Mili: "liar, liar!" She accuses her of being Alejandro's lover. Rosella denies it, tells her that Al loves her, and says she'd never do it with a guy young enough to be her son. Mili asks about the bathrobes. Rosella tells her about the rain. She tells Mili how Alejandro talks about Mili all the time and how perfect they are for each other. Mili says if that's all true, then she wants Rosella to stay the heck away from them. And at this moment, so do I.

Constancio comes into the house with the shotgun. Braulio cries to him that they're all alone and he doesn't even have any staff left. Alejandro and Rocky come back, having searched the house and not found Valeria or Mili. Constancio swears that the two of them won't be with their respective sweethearts as long as he lives. Constancio tells Alejandro to watch his back. Rocky convinces Alejandro they should leave.

Back at the convent, there's a reception going on for Gloria and Chamuco. Socorro and Horacio, Bobby and Lina, Padre Manuel, and Sor Cachete are there. Gloria says that her mom and Romulo would have been there, but they're in Celaya and send their love.

Rosella D'Ludicrous is begging Mili not to do this to her. Mili says they were fine until she showed up and started poisoning everything. Rosella admits that she wants to destroy Constancio. Rosella admits that she also knows Constancio is Mili's father. And that she knows that Constancio left Mili's mother and refuses to acknowledge Mili because of his political ambitions. The glasses are off now as Rosella asks how she can defend a man who ruined her life and her mother's life. Mili says she always prayed for the opportunity to spit in his face, but now all she wants is for him to look her in the eyes and admit he's her father. All she wants is his love.

Ramses II pleads his case over coffee. Valeria's not in the mood. Ramses II suggests Valeria sleep with him to get back at Rocky--"pagarle con la misma moneda" (pay him with the same coin; give him a taste of his own medicine).

Rosella D'Letdown continues trying to convince Mili to hate Constancio. Mili says she's not going to turn into a bitter old hag like Rosella, she's going to defend her daddy and her love and her peeps and Rosella better not get into it with her. Come clean already, you stupid woman. Mili starts to leave and Rosella says "Mili, when we first met you told me you lost your mother and I told you that I lost my daughter. I gave my daughter a gift when she was born and it's the same gift I gave Rosario." Mili's like "Whatever, just leave us alone. " Mili runs out of the room and Rosella cries to the door "Milagros, don't go, I'm your mother." You know, you could have started with that and saved us all the trouble. I have no sympathy for this woman. I feel sadder that she only has one pair of shoes. The mess with Mili she brought on herself. She cries to Paolo.

Monday: Mili finds the medal on Rosario. Luciana tells her the medal didn't come from Alejandro, it came from Rosella. Mili possibly adds two and two together and doesn't come up with the square root of pi. Or at least I can hope so.

One more week to go, Guapistas! If anyone else is interested in recapping a piece of Gran Final night, let's start working that out.

Oh, and that translation is "Carlos of the Fallen Angel."

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