Caray, Caray!

Part One: A Grab-Bag of Crazy
After Candy's breakfast, Nap tells Little Debbie that Candy's been too affectionate. Suspiciously so. He doesn't know where this sudden affection is coming from, but he doesn't like it.

Candy tells Pancho how she swapped the USB sticks. This one's full of evidence. (She shakes it, listening for an incriminating rattle.)

Ana meets with her new manager. Although Pina and Vice put him on Ana's case, he seems genuinely enthusiastic about representing her. He's ready to start arranging all kinds of promotional activities for Ana and the group.

Goya shows up in another outrageous outfit - she's all decked out in polyester fruit salad colors this time. Ana's new manager takes it much more graciously than her old one did, but after he leaves, Ana tells her to be more respectful.

At breakfast, Meli congratulates Fred on his upcoming marriage with Ana, now that his parents suddenly approve. Pina won't promise not to meddle in his life. Fred says he needs to go talk to Pancho to say the wedding is off for now. Pina doesn't have much time to enjoy her victory, because Fred says he can't marry Ana until he cuts the umbilical cord. Somehow, Pina feels that this is Pancho's fault.

Elena, a guest at the Stately Lopez Manor since the earthquake, is super-snotty with Chucha. She wants to talk to "the other one" (Goya) too, to complain about her laundry. (Elena insists on being treated like a member of the family, but no Lopez would ever talk to Chucha that way!) Tomás intervenes, apologizes for his sister's rudeness, and scolds Elena for being an ungrateful lazybones. She should go to school or something. Elena says she'd rather be dead than go to school or work at some mediocre job. (Be careful what you wish for, kid.)

Candy guilts Pancho into helping her. He reaches for the phone. She panics. She doesn't want him to involve anyone else. Wait, what? How does she think he can handle this all by himself?

Deb tells Nap that Candy is at Avon. He senses something is up. He calls Candy, who panics again. "It's Napoleón!" Pancho sticks his hand in his shirt. Nap tells her to come home for a surprise. "Something's definitely up," he tells Deb. "Candela is very nervous."

Pancho has connected the USB stick and is copying it to his computer. (I just deleted a long lecture about why you should never connect a criminal's USB stick to your employer's computer. Long story short, just don't ever do it.)

Elena is still bitching about how wretched her life is and how their parents left them with practically nothing and Pancho owes them. Tom says Pancho doesn't owe them a thing, yet he's never let them go without food and shelter and all the rest. There's no reason to envy all the things that Lupita has because they are not Pancho's children and they should be grateful that once again, they have a place to live and eat.

Elena doesn't take the lecture well, and now I am wondering if she is going to wind up dead in a ditch. I cannot imagine anything that would make this brat happy for any amount of time. Even if she got rich, soon she'd be envying someone richer. And she did kind of diss her parents just now. So... well, let's just hope that something turns her around. Or maybe she should get Violeta to adopt her. Maybe that would do it.

Pancho finishes copying the USB stick and gives it back to Candy. She assures him that Nap doesn't suspect a thing.

Ana calls Fred and tells him about her new manager Franco. "Congratulations," he says without much energy. After the call, Pina mischievously asks why he seems so pensive. He refuses to discuss it with her. This depresses her.

Rebeca interrupts Pancho, who's trying to figure out the gangster data. Not wanting to involve her in the mess, he doesn't tell her what's going on. She wants to show him a graph with a red line that depicts the worst-case scenario but also shows that even the bad outcomes are projected to be good for the company in the long run, but they don't know how that will be for the workers, psychologically. "The gynecological effect on the workers," Pancho repeats absently. Rebe can tell he's distracted. He asks if she knows anyone who can decipher a coded message.

Napoleon insists on seeing what's on the USB stick. Deb says it's encoded. He wants to see it with his own eyes. She installs some decryption software on a laptop and connects the USB stick. It's empty!

Pancho is mysteriously telling Rebeca that he can't involve her in "this" when Ana interrupts to ask if Franco's been there yet to introduce himself. Rebeca excuses herself. Pancho thanks her for showing him the gynecological projections.

Candy arrives at Nap's house. Deb empties her purse immediately and finds the USB stick. She confirms that the data is on it. Candy denies everything and says Pancho knows nothing, but Nap doesn't believe her. He has his goons drag her to the bedroom, begging for mercy.

Franco finally gets to Avon and meets with Pancho, who thinks he looks familiar. Franco flashes back to Vice and Pina asking him not to let on that they put him on Ana's case. He leaves to take a phone call. Pancho and Ana get all misty at the prospect of not seeing one another while she's working. She admits that she's not in such a hurry to get married now. Franco comes back and says boyfriends and this type of career don't mix. Then Pina comes in and gives Pancho a hard time about separating her from her son. Ana excuses herself, but notices Pina giving Franco a strange look. Franco excuses himself.

Rebe is daydreaming about Pancho in her car when she realizes that someone is tailing her. She makes a sudden, screeching turn, and two large vehicles trap her on a side street. She is whisked away in a van with Deb, and one of Nap's goons takes her car.

Outside Pancho's office, Ana asks Franco if he's met Pina before. He plays dumb. Pancho and Pina have a dumb argument about Fred wanting to cut his umbilical cord.

Pina is still ranting and raving with Pancho about how wrong it is for the social classes to mix. She won't allow him to put ideas in Fred's head.

Fred rehashes the Ana situation with Pepe and asks for advice. Pepe reminds Fred of how poorly it turned out when he and Moni tried to live together and they just can't live together. At least not now.

Enzo calls Moni in France. (The green pencils on his desk have been infested by some horrible fungus that's turned half of them yellow!!) Supposedly Violeta is doing well, but she's still not in the clinic yet. That's still being arranged. (Hmmm.) Meanwhile, Mom spends a lot of time shopping.

Deb tells Nap that Rebeca's stashed away at a safehouse.

Chela tells Enzo she's worried about Candy. She's not answering her phone. They go to see Pancho and he shows them the garbled data on the USB stick. NOW they decide it's a good idea to call the authorities. Enzo calls a lawyer, but he's out to lunch. The nerve of some people!

One of Nap's henchmen takes a cell phone video of Rebeca all tied up and gagged.

Ana meets with Fred, who's still bummed out that she'll be touring. He can't go with her, because he has classes. (Guess he should have gone to UCLA after all.) But they still love each other.

Chela is still trying to get Candy on the phone and Enzo is working on Pancho's computer when Nap, Deb, and entourage show up. "Menso Rinaldi," Nap greets Enzo. Enzo surreptitiously presses a key on Pancho's keyboard (it looks to be in the neighborhood of the semicolon or L) that causes the screen to go blank. Phew! Nap tells Chela not to worry about Candy; she's getting a massage. He wants to speak with Pancho. Chela and Enzo clear out of there as fast as they can.

Nap shows Pancho the video on his cell phone. "Ah, Rebe gagged," Pancho observes dreamily. (Perv.) Then he realizes she's in serious trouble!

Part Two: The Body Count Rises


Pancho is flipping out in his office. Nap warns him with Rebeca's safety and also threatens to shoot him in the head (using an Una Familia con Suerte pillow as a silencer? good luck with that) just in case.

It turns out Enzo emailed the files to his own computer. Chela just wants to find Candy.

I think Pancho fainted. Now Nap is poking the USB stick all over Pancho's face. Ooh, very menacing.

Vice has invited Karina to meet with him at the office. He asks her to keep this confidential. He's always wanted to have a daughter. After he and Pina had Fred, they had some problems and got busy with work and stuff, and then they got Abejita, but... but Vice wants to adopt Karina.

Karina, who has two living (if not particularly attentive) parents already, does not find this request at all strange or suspicious. She eagerly accepts. "I promise I will love you like my own daughter." "And I will love and respect you like my own father."

Pancho admits to copying the USB stick. After some more warnings about Rebeca's life, Nap says he'll give Pancho the benefit of the doubt and will bring back his computer in two hours. And if he calls the authorities, Rebeca will die. Nap also recommends that Pancho do something about the company's security. "You see that anyone with a gun can come right into your office." Pancho frets.

Vice explains that with Ana relaunching her career, Fred's going to be alone. Karina understands her mission and squeals with delight. This would all seem so much less weird if he hadn't just spoken of "adopting" her.

Enzo and Chela go to Nap's house, where the goons say Candy is "indisposed." Chela loudly tells Enzo they should go to the police.

On the ride home, Deb asks Nap what will happen to Rebeca. He says she's going to die.

Rebeca sobs in the dark safehouse.

Pancho frets about Rebeca. (Looks like his pencils have been attacked by the yellow fungus, too.) He is soon joined by Enzo and Chela. He tells them the bad guys got Rebe. Chela nearly faints.

Candy frets in the bedroom. Nap tells her to pack her things. They can't stay here.

Pancho gets a text telling him where to find Rebeca. He doesn't say who it's from. Enzo is worried it might be a trap. Chela wants to call the police. Pancho thinks they'll kill Rebe if the police show up. Pancho has an idea.

Nap calls someone and tells him to kill Rebeca in one hour. (Why the delay, I don't know.) Deb whips out her gun and points it at Napoleon. She's with the police and he's under arrest!

She has all the guys drop their guns and kick them over to her. Then she tells Nap to call his guy at the safehouse and rescind the order to kill Rebeca. Nap stalls. Candy comes out of the bedroom and asks what's going on. Deb tells Candy to stay behind her and starts calling for backup. Then Toshiro, #1 goon, comes down the hallway with Candy's bags and shoots Deb from behind. He only gets her in the shoulder, but as she struggles to her feet, he pulls out a knife and slashes her throat so fast I have to replay in slow motion to see it. Except that her throat looks fine when they pick her up off the carpet later and there isn't nearly as much blood as you would expect from a person who's been slashed. But never mind.

Candy runs away. Nap congratulates Toshiro on his fine work and sends him to retrieve Candy. He has another guy prepare the helicopter, and sends a third guy to the airport to get the plane ready. He gives a respectful parting speech to Deborah and toasts her with his best cognac.

Frida brings her muscle car to the garage. I'm sorry I don't know what kind of car it is, but it's the kind I like to look at. She's wearing a lime-green tank top that makes the guys' eyes pop. She asks Pepe if he thinks he could beat her with Champi. She offers him a rare opportunity to drive it. He hops in before she changes her mind.

Candy is on the run. She really needs a sports bra. Toshiro pursues. He is running around on a busy street in broad daylight with a gun in full view. She easily eludes him by hiding behind a van. Toshiro may be a sharpshooter, but he's not very good at looking for things.

The helicopter is ready. Nap calls Toshiro. "Where the hell is Candy?" An excited police car rolls by. Toshiro is looking uncharacteristically worried.

The safehouse goon goes into the darkened room with a gun. He says she's very pretty, and he could have a feast with her, but orders are orders and he won't disobey.

He lifts his gun. She whimpers. Nap shows up in his hat and sunglasses. He says he's changed is mind, and Rebe will have to disappear some other way. He'll take her with. He sounds like Grover, the Muppet, and his build looks bulkier than I remember. But Rebeca and the goon and the guard don't seem to notice. Nap slaps the guard a few times for no reason. The guard doesn't resist.

Pepe and Frida speed down a country road. Vroom. They aren't wearing seatbelts. She's sitting too close to him. Back off, chickie!

Nap is outside with Rebe. His hair is too blue. His hat is too green. Rebeca struggles with him. She sees La Burra and panics. What are they doing to Pancho? Nap peels off a mask, revealing himself to be... Pancho! (Hmm, did I miss a scene where Napoleon allowed them to take a cast of his face and create a rubber mask?) She's glad to see him!

Nap's men want him to leave the house. He tells them he won't go without his Candy. He loves her and he can't live without her. He'll wait.

His phone rings. What an amazing coincidence - it's the same crappy phone (and ringtone) that all the Avon employees have. It's Toshiro, advising Nap to take the helicopter and flee because the house is surrounded by police. Nap tells him to find Candy and kill her. Wow, moody.

But it's too late. Agents rush into the house and disarm Nap's men. One of them asks for Deb. Nap says she's in a better place. The agent says he'll make sure Nap never leaves prison for the rest of his life. He checks Deb's phone and sees that she sent Pancho a message telling him where to find Rebeca. (Sure, she'd totally send an untrained civilian on a mission like that.) "No me toques," Nap protests as he is cuffed and marched out.

Rebeca is grateful and gives Pancho a kiss. Pancho says he'd give up his life for her. Another kiss, and this time it looks serious. Chela finally reminds them that they still need to find Candy.

They go back to Nap's and see Deb being wheeled out on a stretcher. The agent explains that she was working undercover for them.

Meanwhile, Candy arrives safely at the Lopez home. On the phone, Panch tells Lupita it's been a día de locos. Pancho and Candy tell the Napoleon/Déborah story to the family over dinner.

Pepe and Frida work into the evening. She wants to race him. He wants to set something up with a track; he tells her it's not good to race in the streets. He notes that her car is worth a lot of money, so why does she live in a crummy neighborhood and ride the bus? It's because her grandfather gave her that car and he was everything to her. Her mother abandoned her, and her grampy raised her, and he told her to fix up the car and care for it as if it were a child. It's as valuable to her as her grandfather.

So now Candy is crying at home. Ana tries to cheer her up with news of her new manager and revived career. Lupita tries to cheer her up with a somewhat more on-topic reminder that Candy can now divorce Nap. Candy says she's just still recovering from the tension. She begins to tell the rest of the story - the USB drive, the files, etc.

Vice is thinking about Candy. Pina finds him drinking in the dark and invites him to bed. He apologizes to her for his bad behavior.

Rebeca tells Pancho that when that guy put his gun to her head, she thought she was going to die, and her life flashed before her eyes. But most of all, she thought of Pancho and all the mistakes they'd made and all the time they'd wasted. She asks for his forgiveness. He asks for her forgiveness. He promises never to distrust her again. They exchange "te amo"s and kisses.

Candy is still crying. The worst of it, she says, is that she lost Vicente, the first man she ever loved sincerely. (That's the worst of it? The dead agent wasn't worse?) Chela tries to cheer her up by telling her she's not a second-table meal. Candy excuses his reconciliation with Pina because she was marrying Napoleon. She still loves Vice. Chela, Lupita, and Ana are aghast. They try to persuade her to restart her life. Surely a thousand other guys are dying to be with her. Single guys who aren't mobsters. This seems to cheer Candy.

Meanwhile, Vice flatters his wife and asks her again to someday forgive him. She's not sure what he's even talking about. She's already forgiven him!

Frida asks Pepe about Mónica. He hasn't spoken to her today. It's about 5am where she is right now, and why does Frida ask? She's just making conversation. He tells her he and Moni moved in together and it didn't go well and a bunch of things happened. Frida scoffs; no doubt Frenchy went back to her parents. She tells Pepe she'd like to see the apartment for herself, just to see why it wasn't good enough for Frenchy. He agrees - tomorrow they can have dinner or something. She thought-bubbles to herself that she likes Pepe more every day, and what's Frenchy got that Frida doesn't?

Sneaky feet prowl up to Napoleon's cell. Nap meets the faceless man and takes something from him that he immediately pops into his mouth. The other man walks away and we hear him and the approaching guard greet one another. The guard comes to Nap's cell and gloats that Nap got his freedom last time, but now even God can't save him.

The guard watches as Nap sits down and mimes pouring himself a drink. He gulps it down. He then pours himself a second imaginary glassful, but hurriedly puts it aside before doubling over in agony. The guard calls a doctor, who arrives in record time along with the warden. Nap's dead! The warden looks surprised.

It's just as well. I bet they're not very nice to mimes in prison.

Next time:
Enzo asks Chela to marry him. Vice asks Candy for a date. And despite being dead, Napoleon continues to be a nuisance.

Labels: familia