Caray, Caray!

Fausto confronts Renata and Ex-Crazy Con at The Hacienda and says he will never grant Ren a divorce. He threatens to tell Abigail the truth about who’s her mommy, and Renata acts like she will stand strong and let the truth be heard. This is messed up, because there have been many good reasons and opportunities to tell Abi the truth over the decades, and the one that finally moves Ren is that if she lets Fausto tell Abi the truth, then Fausto has nothing with which to impede the divorce, and Ren can marry Pat. The whole guardando la verdad de Abi  has been in Ren’s self-interest most of the time.

Simona has summoned Comandante Barragan because Toño was missing all night. She tells him that the night that Lucio was killed, Toño came home drunk and said… Enter Lucio reincarnated! It's like he’s not really dead! Toño has assumed Lucio’s position as capataz, assumed his home, and most assuredly assumed his wardrobe. All that is left is for Toño to be rude and make some hand gestures like Lucio and the transformation into 2.0 will be complete. Toño obliges. He’s doing all this for Simona, to pay off her debt, to protect her and because he is a MAN. He tries to act godfather-ish with voice modulation and creepy kisses, but Toño as the latest bad dude in town is not completely convincing. Not like his predecessor was.

Daniela is dressed the same as Ximena, even though she’s grounded, isn’t she? What difference does it make? Max can tell her apart just by the look on her face, but she explains about the necklaces as well. Max wants her help in determining what if any role The Phantom played in the death of Lucio. And if he played a role, Max will kill him, per Ximena’s original suggestion.

Ximena and Fausto are enjoying a nice cena in a nice restaurant. Fausto informs Xi that Ren asked for a divorce. Ximena doesn’t want Dr. Pat ending up happy with Ren, in fact she desires the most patética y absoluta soledad for him. Fausto will drink to that! She says that she knew the first time they met that they would be allies. He says the first time they met he know they would be lovers. She says “What are you waiting for?” and they start besuqueándose right then and there. Ugh!!

Julian and Epifenia have just consummated their marriage. What! Was the wedding shown last night, or is this new? Why is she in bed in a negligee and he is fully dressed in a three piece suit? Why is the suit admiral blue? As he puffs on a cigar (what, is Epi already pregnant?), she rambles on about the church wedding we know will never take place. For now, the fact that they’re married must be kept on the down low.

Ren chats with Abi about refugiándose en Mateo in order to forget about Diego’s marriage. It hurts, admits Abi. But Mateo was my first love, the only one I ever could or will love, so I guess I can look down my royal nose and allow Diego to go ahead and marry somebody else. Renata takes this and turns it into yet another opportunity to say how much she loves/loved Pablo Ramos. No love is as great. He was the first love. She now loves Pat, but it is a different kind of love. Not as good or whole or strong. This is one of my pet peeves, the idolization of a teenage romance as the most perfect love. Can’t Ren realize at her current level of maturity that while they may have potentially had a great love, all they really had the chance to live was initial teen-age lust? I venture to say that most of us are not married to our first “love,” (read: first time not just ‘liking’ somebody, but ‘like liking’ them), so according to the Book of Renata, we have settled for some sad shadow of our former great love. Poor us. But the girls have moved on, so I will try to as well. They are talking about the fact that Dianaconda might take the baby away when she finds out she is divorced.

Julian has escaped Epifenia’s clutches, and goes right into the deep-fryer with Eduviges. He is also married to her, and although he begs off, she insists, “Me cumples. Me cumples.” It’s another case of feeling slightly sorry for the bad guys.

Meanwhile, Lucio 2.0 climbs in the window of his former lover Epifenia. She looks very interested, and I was pleasantly surprised that she did not give in to her baser impulses. She tells 2.0 that she is married, to Julian Montero. That’s a cold shower. 2.0 leaves, promising that they (Epi and Julian-o) will both be sorry.

Mat coos (baby talk emoting) to Gerardo, and Diana walks in spitting fire. She knows about the divorce, and informs Mat that upon daybreak she will take the baby away and Mat will never see him again. Yeah, it’s always the best idea to reveal your plans like that. It gives you an edge.

Ren and Abi have moved on even further now, to Fausto. Ren: he is bad. Abi: he is good. It bothers Ren that Abi defend him, but she blames herself for letting Abi get close to him, in the Fausto Renaissance Period. “He has been engañándonos.” And you, Renata? Who is Abi’s mom? Well, Abi is sure he is good, and she will get him to give Ren the divorce.

Ximena and Fausto burst into a hotel room, with the rock music rockin’. They go at it fast and furious. Fausto has found the woman most equal to him so far. She is bad like many of the others, but smart and powerful unlike the Macs, Dianas, Helenas, Renatas, Diego’s moms and many, many others that have gone before.

Julio talks to the Hand, who makes fun of him for having to sleep with the twin spinsters. Julio says they are ridículas and fieras, insaciables. But he has run worse cons. The Mano gives Julio two weeks to live, and less if the sisters find out what he’s done. That’s why Julio is going to move fast and abscond with all their money right away. La Hand wants 50%, but Julian-o points out that since he has to do all the dirty work with the ladies, he won’t give more than 30%.

Porfirio talks to Daniela, though he thinks he’s talking to Ximena, although since he doesn’t know about Daniela, it’s as if she were Ximena anyway. He loves her and is hurt that she wants a baby with Apple Cheeks but not with him. He knows that all she feels for him is lástima and asco, so he is green-lighting Project Baby Apple Cheeks (PBAC). The only condition is that the baby be raised as his own. Xi-ela is so confused.

Fausto and Ximena engage in pillow talk, which revolves around the fact that they both love danger, risks and challenges. To me, that sounds stressful and exhausting. Fausto thinks Xi is extraordinaria y peligrosa. Ximena, who a few paragraphs back I called smart, 1) is in bed with Fausto, and 2) says, “I like to do what I want without thinking about what might happen.” So I stand corrected. I really hope that Fausto doesn’t run into Daniela ever!!

Toño waits for Julio-an inside Mia’s old house. Julio enters, impeccably dressed in a clover-green, three piece suit, with white pin striping. Huh. Toño says Julio married the woman Toño loves, then points a gun at him and gives him a month to leave town. Toño, that happens to already be planned. In fact I’m surprised that Julio doesn’t offer to leave sooner, just to defuse the situation. But what he doesn’t know is that his son has become Lucio 2.0. Toño demonstrates by shooting a defenseless vase.

Ren is telling on Fausto to Dr. Pat, about the cemetery incident. Pat rightly declares that Fausto es un psicópata. He wants Ren to leave The Hacienda immediately. But for the second time this episode, Ren puts the wrong interest first, saying she won’t abandon her material things, i.e. her lands. I never had a beautiful ranch or anything, but I can imagine it would be hard to walk away from. But she has a good chance of hanging on to it legally, plus she knows her life truly is in danger, and I thought she was ready to quit her old life anyway. I mean, having the ranch is better, but Dr. Pat isn’t poor, and Abi has the Enramada (well, half), so I thought she would take a risk. But then again, Dr. Pat isn’t Pablo, so it’s not the kind of love that is worth sacrificing for. I know, I’m so bitter :)

The next day, in The Hacienda foyer, Diana is making good on her threat to take the baby away forever, as Helena pleads with her not to go. Where on Earth could Diana be headed, anyway? To Julio-an’s? Ren and Con show up to add to the cacophony, when Mat and Marcelino ride in to save the baby. Mat has turned Marcelino to the good side, and there is paperwork that prohibits Diana from taking the baby. In the midst of a tense stand-off, Mat smiles and coos at the baby.

Dr. Pat has come to see The Phantom, after much insistence. The Phantom calmly outlines Project Baby Apple Cheeks (PBAC). Pat is aghast. He won’t do it. Xi-ela is crazy. The Phantom explains that she isn’t crazy, but has dissociative identity disorder. He loves her and will do anything to make her happy and keep her at his side. Isn’t that what Pat wants with Renata? The Phantom proceeds to make Pat an offer he can’t refuse: if you would be so kind as to impregnate my wife, I will destroy your enemy Fausto so you can be with Renata in peace. I’m willing to do whatever it takes for my love; are you? By unbuttoning his shirt and dimming the lights, Pat gives tacit approval to PBAC, but The Phantom informs him the impregnation will be by way of artificial insemination. In that case, why does it have to be Pat? And if PBAC is to be successful, the twins are going to have to commit to one of them carrying the baby and being with Porfis for the whole nine months.

Back at The Hacienda foyer drama, Marcelino declares that he only works for Mateo now. Diana now gets why the divorce went through, with slimy Marc on the case. Marc, in a pre-emptive strike in the custody battle, whips out the picture of Lucio and Diana kissing. Man, that picture is getting a lot of mileage! Just put it on Facebook and be done with it already.

The final scene, an excruciating exercise in a complicated dance of miscommunication between Fausto and Abi: Abi knocks and Fausto purposefully assumes a dejected position on the couch, complete with tears, before telling her to come in. He spins some BS about being hurt by Renata, and Abi appeals to his abundant goodness to just let her go, since they don’t make each other happy. The miscommunication continues, and Fausto looks like the big, bad wolf, trying not to eat Red Riding Hood too soon. They go on and on, with every loving daughter statement made by Abi being taken as a sexual come-on by Fausto, and every perverted declaration of longing made by Fausto taken as fatherly love by Abi. It goes a little something like this:

Abi: “You should go live at the Enramada.” Because you are my dad and I respect you.

Fausto: “All by my lonesome?” or with a woman (you) to share my bed?

Abi: “No, with me!” gosh darn it, my dad is so silly! Gee whiz!

Fausto: “I can’t wait to tell you what I really feel for you.” That I want to jump your bones

Abi: “It’s what I want the most, too.” For you to recognize me as your daughter

The culmination is hilarious/gross, when Fausto, in full delusional mode, says,

“I have held this back for so long. I can finally tell you. I’m…” (too sick to even imagine what he's about to say)

“I know. You’re my dad! Hugs! Hugs!”

Abi is overcome with filial love as she hugs dear old dad, and he looks over her shoulder with a massive ‘QTH’ expression plastered on his face.