Caray, Caray!

And Still the Villain Pursued Her…

We start our day’s adventures in TeleMiami with a replay of Gaviota/Fedora asking Granny Miguelina about the demise of los padres Soriano. Granny M doesn’t answer. She looks guilt-stricken. She’s probably wishing she were in the kitchen making another nourishing batch of caldo, or maybe a nice flan. Pobre de Granny.

Cut to Dr. Evil’s office, where Max and Ignacio replay their final scene from yesterday’s capítulo. I find myself wondering if the crimes being committed by Ignacio are as heinous as the one committed by his hairdresser.

Back to Casa Soriano. Granny M reluctantly says that the girls’ parents died in an accident. Gaviota wants to know what kind of accident. One that cost them their lives. (The scene with the garden-hose earned Granny a pass on this one.) She doesn’t want to go into details, she denies hiding anything, she just prefers not to remember. Before Gaviota can press any further, Diana enters. Gaviota tells Granny that they’ll continue their conversation later. Alone, Granny thought-bubbles: “Why did that woman ask me that? Could it be that she knows the mother of my girls is in prison? That’s what that man told me, the one who gave me Diana and Gaby.”

While Granny Miguelina ponders this mystery, we return to Ignacio’s office. Dr. Evil tells Our Hero that he was about to perform a major operation and that he’d scheduled a meeting with Diana at his apartment to discuss the case. Max furrows his brow. Something about this doesn’t sound like standard hospital procedure, but he can’t quite put his finger on it. Think, Max, think! Dr. Evil rehashes his cock-and-bull version of the crime. Now Max has more information to sort out. Damn. He can’t believe that Diana is capable of such a thing. According to Dr. Evil, “that kind of slut” is capable of anything, etc., etc., etc. It’s all too much for Max to process and he finally tells Ignacio to shut up. Dr. Evil comments that the subject of the little nurse is a touchy one. Max asks him to withdraw the charges against Diana. Doesn’t Max want her to be tried for attempted murder? Definitely not. Again Our Hero asks him to withdraw the charges.

Meanwhile there’s a visitor at Casa Silvia. It’s Elsa Lanchester – oh, wait, she’s dead. No, it’s the Mistress of the Occult Sciences, apparently on a lunch break from her fortune-telling job at the carnival. She’s wearing a glittery orange vinyl turban with a large, purple plastic jewel glued to the front. There is a star within a star painted on her forehead, possibly to de-emphasize the gold Halloween glitter she uses for eye-shadow. The long black fingernails dramatically accent the gold lamé gown. Her sparkly blue velveteen cloak is also lined with gold lamé. The tiered-ruffle pleather knitting-bag, however, is not the right accessory for this ensemble. I’ll bet Camila zeroed in on that, too, because her reaction was much like mine: “Are you sure this woman’s not a charlatan? She looks like a clown!” The bag really has to go. Anyway, the Occult One takes umbrage at this and solemnly intones the list of unfortunate ends that await non-believers, from being flattened by buses to eaten by piranhas. Our spunky soubrettes are impactadas.

We return to Max and Ignacio. Dr. Evil is surprised by Maximiliano’s request. Max doesn’t want to bury Diana. Dr. Evil says it’s what she deserves, he’s sorry, he can’t oblige, but she tried to kill him and jail is what she deserves. Fair enough, says Max, if that’s your final decision then I can’t convince you. Ignacio declares that he’s going to put Diana in jail for years. Max furrows his brow slightly, looks down his nose at Dr. Evil, and turns to leave. At the door there’s a final furrowed-brow look-down-the-nose. Close-up of Dr. Evil, baffled, wondering what the hell that was supposed to mean. I’m equally baffled.

Gaviota and Diana arrive at the hospital. There’s no need to guess which one, it’s the only hospital in all of TeleMiami. Diana’s nervous. She can’t be pregnant. (For someone who supposedly graduated nursing school in the 21st century, Diana has a quaintly Victorian concept of human reproduction.) Gaviota bolsters her spirits by saying that having an Irascible baby is the worst thing that could happen in her life. Enter Dr. Quintana, an old acquaintance of Diana’s. After a little chitchat, Our Heroine bashfully tells him why she’s there. He takes the news very professionally and tells her to go to the lab while he goes off to prepare. Enter Max, and what follows is a montage, underscored by increasingly ominous music. Midshot of Max, trying to look attractively impactado. Close-up of Diana, who exclaims, “Maximiliano!” Close-up of Max, still trying for attractively impactado. Close-up of Diana, trying to remember what the scene’s about. Close-up of Gaviota, who looks up and over at Max with cold, hostile, appraising eyes. Close-up of Max, who settles for an attractive but anticlimactic “Aw, hell” look.

At Sylvia’s place, Elsa the Mistress of the Occult Sciences is occupying the armchair as if it were a throne. She asks the girls what they want. Sylvia gaily starts rattling on about the two men she and Camila want at their feet, prostrate with love, very handsome men, the girls want them to be “spectacularly” in love, etc. It’s a very simple job for the Great Powerful Cosmic Star, Elsa replies, but the girls have to do one thing. Cue comic music. They have to steal a pair of underwear from each man. “A pair of underwear?” they scream in perfect unison. Drum roll and rim shot.

Back at the hospital everyone stands around very uncomfortably for a moment before Max walks past Diana without a glance or a word. Diana can’t believe it. “It was Maximiliano.” Gaviota must be used to having characters point out the obvious to her. “Yes, haughty and proud like his mother,” she answers. This makes no impression on Diana, who merely says, “He hates me. I saw the hate in his eyes.” (Which is more than I saw, querida, but if that’s your line, okay.) Gaviota ends the scene on a comforting, religious note. “God grant that you’re not pregnant by him. Let’s go.”

Where we go is back to Casa Silvia, where that ebullient, platinum-wigged minx is recapping the deal with La Maestra. She brings things to a screeching halt by referring Elsa’s art as “witchcraft.” Our M.O.S. takes offense and indignantly denies casting spells. She uses the forces of the universe to her benefit, she puts the stars to work for her, blah, blah, blah. Silvia does a good-natured grovel-and-fawn number. Elsa relents a bit. Call as soon as they have the underwear. They’ll see how she’ll put those men at their feet. Sylvia claps her hands and bounces with excitement until Elsa demands her $500.00 consultation fee. Camila is outraged. She bares her teeth, protesting vigorously, but the M.O.S. isn’t intimidated. (After all, she’s got the Great Powerful Cosmic Star in her corner. Just give her a pair of skivvies and a constellation or two and she can move mountains.) Sylvia intervenes. They don’t have that much cash. That’s okay, Elsa will take it out in trade. She takes the girls’ watches, commenting on their cheapness, then helps herself to an ugly blue bowl and a plain glass ashtray make up the difference. After a bit of mumbo-jumbo about sending out vibes with her “third eye” (aha! That’s what the star on her forehead is!), exit Elsa. Camila starts up again about the M.O.S. being a swindler but Silvia’s an optimist. The Irazabal boys will be crazy about them, etc.

Diana and Gaviota are waiting for the results of the test. Who should appear next but Ignacio Montiel, Dr. Evil himself, holding an envelope. He reminds Diana of their court date. Gaviota says she will prove Diana’s innocence. Ignacio asks who she is, then answers his own question: She is Diana’s guardian angel. Immune to his slimy charm, Gaviota corrects him. She’s the defense attorney. Dr. Evil pretends to be impressed. Diana starts to leave, but Ignacio stops her. He gestures with the envelope. He’d asked Dr. Quintana if he could deliver her test results. Diana’s pregnant, all right. Well. You could have knocked me over with a wrecking-ball, that’s how impactado I am. Diana flutters her eyelids as if she’s about to faint. Gaviota stares at Ignacio. Diana closes her eyes. Commercial.

We return from commercial to Casa Soriano, where Granny is at the sewing machine, remembering the bad old days. Granny used to be a bag lady, Miguelina la Méndiga, looking for shelter and a handout. It’s not clear where she is – a storeroom? Basement? Prop room? She’s wearing a dirty fisherman’s hat over a long, bedraggled, blonde wig. Streaks of dirt-colored makeup have been wiped on her face and her teeth have been partially blacked out. It’s a heart-rending sight. She begs for some leftovers or spare change from an unsavory naco seated at a table, eating rather messily and drinking Camacho out of a Styrofoam cup. He calls her by name and tells her he’s been waiting for her. Her eyes light up with hope. Does he have anything for her? Life in the streets gets harder every day, she lost her husband and home, hasn’t a friend in this country to extend a helping hand…This would be the perfect spot for a close-up with the Glycerine Tear of True Dolor, but Granny la Méndiga doesn’t get one. Pobre de Granny. Telling her it’s her lucky day, el naco reaches back into a portable plastic storage drawer and takes out a thick bundle of cash. He tosses it on the table. There’s twenty thousand dollars in that bundle. Granny thinks it’s a good joke. So does el naco. Hilarity ensues. El naco gets back to business. The money is hers, in exchange for a little favor.

We zoom back to the present for a close-up of Granny M. She looks off into the distance (or perhaps at the teleprompter) and says, “That night…that night changed my life.”

The past again. El naco is walking back into his lair carrying a baby and leading a toddler by the hand. If Miguelina takes the girls and disappears, the money’s hers. Granny M wants to know where the girls came from. No questions, warns el naco, but Miguelina insists. He tells her that the girls’ father is dead and their mother is in jail, “forever”. If anyone asks, she can pass them off as her grandchildren. Granny M repeats that she can’t take them without knowing where they came from.

Another close-up of present-day Miguelina. “My God, I accepted. I accepted.” I’m glad they wrote this bit in because now I can skip the following scene, which is a reenactment of this admission, followed by one last close-up of Granny M. She becomes very emotional as she tells us how she loved them as if they really were her granddaughters, raised them with love and respect, etc. As the tears flow, she drops her head over her folded hands and sobs.

We are now treated to a close-up of Octavia. Right at this very moment, she, too, is thinking about that night. We see Octavia in Destiny’s Basement, where so many fates have been sealed. El naco is reporting the success of his mission. I note that the plastic storage drawer on the little table behind him has been replaced by a plaster statue of Jesus, or maybe Lety Padilla’s San Judas. Either way, Octavia doesn’t notice. She’s more interested in finding out if this beggar Miguelina is going to keep her mouth shut. El naco is positive she will.

Camila and Silvia stroll into Casa Irascible. Silvia should have changed her clothes and wig. Agent Sidney Bristow would have. The girls are about to launch an undercover operation, for Pete’s sake. Anyway, Lala isn’t happy to see them. Max isn’t home, so the girls sit down to wait. Lala becomes apprehensive and explains that Faux Marfil has left orders that Camila not set foot in the house again. Camila springs up, baring her teeth. And who does Marfil think she is? Camila’s always been a friend of the family! Silvia runs interference by asking Lala for a soda. Lala agrees reluctantly, but wants them to please go afterwards, they could get her in trouble. Almost as soon as she’s out of the room, Silvia goes into action. The way she tiptoes up the stairs leaves no doubt that she passed “Slapstick Acting for the Silent Screen” with flying colors.

Larry’s room. Larry goes into the bathroom and Silvia sneaks in. She rifles his dresser, finds a pair of black bikini briefs and chortles: “It can’t be that something so small could fit him!” From the bathroom Larry asks if someone’s there. Instead of going out the door right behind her, Silvia runs to the bed and crawls underneath. This is pretty idiotic even for Comic Sex Kitten Silvia. Larry comes out, looks around, swears he heard someone. He then sits on the bed and wistfully sighs, “¡Pilar, Pilar!” as he puts on his watch. Pan down to Silvia between his feet. She thought-bubbles: “Ay, Dios, how do I get out of here without Papazote Larry seeing me?” Failing to come up with an answer, she blows kisses at Larry’s denim-clad calves.

Cut to Gaby, on the phone with Nancy. Gaby has found a job as a supermarket cashier. Nancy thinks that’s good, but isn’t she coming back to the mansion? Never again. But Gaby’s still married to joven Larry. She’s an Irazabal whether Doña Octavia likes it or not. Gaby’s not interested in being an Irazabal. It’s been over a month and Larry hasn’t come to see her once. Nancy fails to realize that she’s dealing with the gentle, helpless child-woman type that Dickens adored so much. She tells Little Doormat to forget Lunkhead, muscles, eyelashes, and all, and fall in love with someone else. No, Gaby will never love anyone else. Why did Larry use her like that? Why didn’t he pick someone from his own class? There’s some whimpering about Pilar mixed in with this, too, but Nancy is nothing if not practical. Divorce him, she says. Move on. No, Gaby won’t lift a finger. If Larry wants a divorce, he will have to file for it. Nancy is not impressed with Little Doormat’s decision. Gaby sobs.

Back at the hospital, Dr. Evil repeats that Diana’s pregnant. Gaviota snatches the envelope out of his hand, tears it open, reads the test results, and is impactada. Diana is embarazada all right. “¡No puede ser!” she moans. (Oh, Diana! How utterly you have lost yourself!) Ignacio asks who the father is. Gaviota goes into fiera mode, telling him it’s none of his business, he’s done more than enough harm to Diana already. She wants him to remember her face, because she’s going to prove Diana’s innocence in court. What a despicable guy he is. They’ll see who’s lying and who’s telling the truth, and who will have the last word. Ignacio goes into fiera mode himself, warning her to keep her voice down or he’ll have them thrown out. Gaviota tells him they’re leaving and off they go. Dr. Evil and the nurse at the desk shake their heads and throw up their hands. Dr. Evil tells us that he’s willing to bet the baby is Max’s.

Gaviota and Diana make it all the way around the corner. Diana is bummed. She’s carrying Max’s child when he despises her most. Gaviota advises her not to give up hope, to confront things with serenity. After she’s been proved innocent at trial, Max will have to beg forgiveness on his knees for having doubted her. But he’s married, blah, blah, blah. Gaviota uses some Tough Love on her. Diana will gain nothing by complaining. She could have avoided it. She could have used protection. Now they have to face the facts. As the Glycerine Tear of True Dolor slides down Our Heroine’s cheek, Gaviota lectures on about how she’ll make a fine single parent. Diana asks that she say nothing about it to anyone. Gaviota agrees but warns her that a pregnancy can’t be kept secret for long.

We come back from commercial to Ignacio’s office. Andrés is in there now. With all this plotting and scheming and harassing, when does Dr. Evil find the time to see patients? Anyway, he tells his faithful henchman that Diana has a bun in the oven, and that Max was probably the one in the kitchen. Andrés is impactado.

Cut to Paco’s bar. Caramelo and Paco enter with shopping bags. Florencio asks if they bought out the whole mall. Caramelo runs through her list of purchases, leading the adorable old barman to ask if she and Panchalón are setting up house. Not really, they plan to live with Lala at first. Then they’ll get a place of their own. There’s some back and forth about the (un)likelihood of Pancholón buying Caramelo a house. Paco says he just wants her to be happy. She asks him not to speak ill of Pancholón. She knows that he’s really good. Caramelo is clearly a practitioner of the Better Living through Denial philosophy.

Paco retreats to his office. He tells the ceiling that he hopes Caramelo will be happy. If Pancholón deceives his little girl, makes her suffer, Paco is capable of…he drives a fist into his palm, then goes to pour himself a drink. If he couldn’t be happy, maybe his daughter can. He then takes a framed picture out of his desk drawer and starts talking to it. “Alicia, where can you be? Why did you disappear so suddenly from my life? There were people born into this world to be unhappy. Why do those I love never return that love? All Gaviota cares about is revenge, etc.” He tells Alicia he will always think of her. (Has anyone actually seen this picture? Are we going to find out that Bruna is really Alicia?)

Max has returned to his office. He’s still confused. He needs to forget Diana. He needs to hate her. She deserves his hatred, his contempt.

We next see Octavia. For some reason her sequin-trimmed white halter top and trouser ensemble calls to mind the old Charlie perfume commercials. She struts up to the reception desk, hands the receptionist some folders, and tells her to file them. She’s about to go when Ignacio steps off the elevator. She slinks over, says she wasn’t expecting him, invites him to her office. Once in her office, she asks if his call has anything to do with Doña Santa. No, it’s about that nurse. Octavia’s not interested in hearing about that “poca cosa”. What Dr. Evil has to say isn’t poca cosa, however. After a fair amount of preamble about getting to the point, they finally get to the point. Octavia is not impactada by the news of Diana’s pregnancy. There are some women who’ll warm the sheets of the first guy who crosses their path, she says. Then it hits her. (Evidently all the Irascibles are slow on the uptake. It’s just a question of degree.) Could Max be the father? Now she is impactada.

Back in Larry’s room. Larry is sprawled out on the bed, practicing his Cowpoke of the Month pose, talking to the absent Pilar. Silvia is still under the bed, thought-bubbling replies. We’ve heard it all before. Silvia then makes his underwear do a sprightly little jig as she mentally rehashes her plans for them.

Downstairs, Lala is begging Camila to leave. Too late. Enter Faux Marfil. She demands to know what Camila’s doing in her house. Camila replies that it’s not just her house. Other people live there, old friends of hers. Incensed, Faux Marfil brings the phrase “madder than a wet hen” vividly to life. Eyes blinking, bobbing her head with angry little jerks, she rants at Camila in a shrill cackle. Camila throws down the gauntlet: Faux Marfil hasn’t beaten her, it’s not over yet, etc., etc. Faux Marfil then goes after Lala for letting Camila in. Camila tells Faux Marfil not to take out her rage on Lala. She throws gas on the fire by adding that she’ll come over any time she likes. Faux Marfil says if Camila keeps after Max, she’ll claw out her eyes. Fine. Camila’s going. But not because she’s afraid. No, because Faux Marfil has become a bore. (I agree. The entertainment value of the chicken imitation was short-lived.) And what’s more, Faux Marfil has very little glamour. (Oh, I don’t know about that, the Dominatrix Barbie outfit from Monday’s capítulo had a certain je ne sais quoi.) Camila states that she’ll be the only woman in Max’s life. She leaves. Faux Marfil threatens to fire Lala if she lets Camila in the house again.

Back to Octavia’s office. She and Dr. Evil are still jawing on about the pregnancy and unscrupulous women who try to trap a man with a child. Octavia knows what she’s talking about; after all, she advised Faux Marfil to do exactly that. Ignacio once again brags how he will bury Diana at trial. “Yes, bury her! May she rot behind bars!” spits Octavia. Dr. Evil then says Diana found herself a lawyer who looks like a fiera, he can’t remember the name, she was at the hospital. Octavia thanks him for the information. With a courtly “Always at your service,” he bows, kisses her hand, and leaves. She picks up the phone before the door even closes behind him.

Faux Marfil is pouring herself a substantial glass of whiskey when the phone rings. Can’t an Evil Sex Kitten get her drink on without all these interruptions? Honestly. She puts down the hefty tumbler of Scotch and answers the phone. It’s Octavia, with a down’n’dirty version of the news for her. Faux Marfil is muy impactada.

Gaviota and Diana return to Casa Soriano. They have the “keep this pregnancy a secret” conversation again. Diana reflects on the heavy price she is paying for a few hours of what she imagined was love. I wait for her to put on her cloak and go out! out into the storm! but I forget myself. The weather is fine and Alejandra Lazcano is no Lillian Gish. Instead Gaviota gives her a few facts of life about unwed mothers. She promises that they’ll get through it together. Diana thanks her and vows that Max may hate her but she’ll keep him from hating their child. He’ll never know it’s his. Yeah, right.

After commercial, Max is telling Emilio how he just can’t get Diana out of his head. If Emilio were more like Omar Carvajal, he would take this as his cue to break the tension with a spiffy rendition of “I’ve Got You under My Skin.” Alas, he’s of those serious muchachos. Instead we get a few random bars of the theme song while Max tries to come up with a meaningful expression.

Cut to Faux Marfil, giving Bruna the scoop. Our virile villainess is literally bouncing with impatience. She’s tired of every conversation being about Diana, Diana, Diana. She’s probably tired of listening to Faux Marfil as well. Although I’ve never actually heard a Chihuahua on crack, I’m sure it would sound like Faux Marfil right now. They just can’t get rid of that nurse, yap-yap-yap-yap-yap-yap-yap. Bruna asks if they’re sure it’s Max’s baby. Octavia and Faux Marfil think it is. Bruna says that’s going to ruin their plans. If Max finds out…Faux Marfil arrogantly snaps that Max doesn’t have to find out and he isn’t going to.

At Casa Soriano Little Doormat irons a shirt and makes small talk. Diana is huddled on her bed in a fetal position. While I mull over this weighty bit of symbolism, Gaby puts down the iron, approaches the bed, takes a seat, asks what’s wrong. She’s so quiet. Is she worried about Max? Diana sits up. She needs to tell Gaby something muy grave. But she has to keep it a secret. Granny M can’t find out. (At this point I suspect that Diana has gone from Victorian to delusional.) After rousing her sister’s worst fears, she drops the P-Bomb. Little Doormat is impactadísima, complete with “¡No puede ser!” After they hug, she asks Diana if she’s going to have the baby. Of course she’s going to have it. Only Bad Sex Kittens get abortions. Gaby turns starry-eyed at the idea of having Larry’s baby. It would make her so happy. Diana feels compelled to spell out the difference between her real pregnancy and Gaby’s fantasy pregnancy. Again she says she doesn’t want Max to know. She’s also very afraid that Dr. Evil will tell Sra. Marfil her secret. Diana doesn’t want to go through the shame of Marfil finding out. Gaby stares at Diana while Diana stares at the teleprompter.

Roll credits.

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