Sunday, March 04, 2007
Acorralada # 32 – Tuesday, 02/27/07 In Which Our Heroine and Our Patience Are Tried
Poolside at Casa Irazabal. Bruna is wearing a natty charcoal skirt and vest, with a pink blouse that tells us she was feeling particularly girly this morning. Faux Marfil is in Stepford Wife Gone Haywire mode again. She doesn’t see Max doing his pageant walk towards them. Once they notice him, Bruna stands at attention with such panache that only a fascist salute would have made it complete. Max asks who Faux Marfil is hiding from. “Nobody, anybody can see me!” is her unconvincing response. He clearly doesn’t believe it. She elaborates in that grating tone that schizophrenically bounces from screech to whine. Bruna backs her up. Faux Marfil changes her tone and plays kissy-face with an unresponsive Max.
Paco’s bar. A good time is being had by all. Well, except for Diana, moping by herself in a dress borrowed from Gaviota. Gaby, who is inexplicably wearing her seventh-grade parochial school uniform, tells Diana she needs to fake it a little. Little Doormat gets the ball rolling by tickling her. Gaviota comes up while this heartwarming little romp is in progress. She’s glad to see them smiling. She’s got something to smile about, too. She’s almost sure that she has what she needs to ruin Octavia and take everything back, mansion included. She invites the girls, and Granny M, of course, to live there with her. But Diego – yes, Diego, too. After all, Casa Irascible holds such happy memories for the kids. Grannny M weaves up. She’s been making too much whoopee. She had two glasses of champagne and needs to go home. Gaby takes her out. Gaviota looks at Diana. “You can’t stop thinking about Maximiliano, can you?” No answer. “You’re still in love with him.” Diana 'fesses up. She likes 'em stolid and bovine, and that’s our boy Max. Gaviota slowly blinks.
Ignacio’s office. He’s with Andrés. He’s got a Styrofoam cup of coffee which he stirs compulsively as he verifies that Andrés has his testimony down. Andrés assures Dr. Evil that Diana will end in jail. The happiest moment in Ignacio’s life will be when the judge declares that dirty schemer guilty. How many years does Ignacio think she’ll get? Dr. Evil’s really getting off on this. All told, Diana will be withered, destroyed, finished when she gets out. Andrés is smiling, but he looks a little creeped out by the thrill Ignacio’s getting.
At Casa Soriano, Gaby has put Granny M to bed and is curled up on the red sofa. She tells Larry how much she misses him. There’s a pounding at the door. The parade of vengeful women isn’t quite over. Pilar storms in, followed by Rene in naco drag. Pilar is in full fiera mode, ready to kick some Soriano butt in her platform rope sandals. She accuses Gaby of ratting her out to Larry so Little Doormat could have him for herself. Rene tries to quiet her down, but she insists on making a big stink. He settles for keeping Pilar at bay while Gaby declares it’s not her fault Larry married her, she loved him. Pilar belittles her for being a servant and an ugly and blind one at that. Little Doormat’s reply is garbled by half-choked sobs. Pilar gets in her face and asks what her love was worth, what good it did her. Gaby shows an ounce of spunk. She won’t be insulted in her own house and wants them to get out. Pilar’s not done screaming, however. “Whether you want to or not, you’re going to divorce Larry because he’s going to marry me!”
We return to Ignacio’s office. Dr. Evil is yammering away about “that slut-nurse” being a gold-digger, rejecting a prime catch like himself for a millionaire. Andrés cheers him up by reminding him that Diana’s going to rot in jail. Once again Ignacio says how much he’ll enjoy hearing the judge sentence her.
Back in Gaby’s living room, Pilar is screaming more accusations and Little Doormat is making tearful denials. It’s essentially the same conversation as the previous scene with a change of vocabulary and a few embellishments. Rene drags his fingers over his face as if he’s having a delayed reaction to some drugs he did earlier. Pilar lunges at Gaby but Rene snaps out of it and restrains her. It’s time for Gaby to wake up, her Cinderella dream has turned into a nightmare. Rene insists that it’s time to go. Too late. The only one to wake up is Granny M, and boy, is she pissed! She thrusts Gaby behind her and shouts that if Little Doormat doesn’t know how to defend herself, she’s here to defend her. Okay, everybody, it’s hootenanny time. All four begin screaming at each other. Granny leaves the room. While Rene tries to shut her up and get her out, Pilar tells Little Doormat that Larry’s going to divorce her, etc. Uh-oh. Granny’s back on the scene with a large bucket of water. She douses Pilar and menaces her with the bucket, backing her towards the door, shouting “¡Fuera!” over and over. Gaby runs to her room in tears, throws herself on the bed, and sobs. Granny is right behind her to give her grandmotherly love and support. It’s all very poignant.
Gaviota and Diana are in the dressing room. While they have a mindless exchange about the faulty lamp on Gav’s dressing table, I wonder if she actually wears the page-boy wig on what looks like a human-sized Barbie head. I admire the feather boa collection draped over the folding screen in the corner and then Diana catches my attention when she claims to know a little something about electricity. Paco leans in to say it’s showtime. Admonishing her to be careful, Gaviota exits. Little Miss Fix-It unplugs the lamp and sits down. This does not bode well.
Onstage, Paco introduces Gaviota, who has “the prettiest voice in the whole city.” All seven extras whistle, applaud, and shout “Bravo”, trying to sound like an audience of at least fifteen. Since the writers have lifted this plotline from any number of “Woman Who Strays and Pays” epics of the Thirties, I’ve been anxious to see what kind of cabaret chanteuse Gaviota turns out to be. Are we in for the sardonic allure of Marlene Dietrich? the spangles and Weltschmerz of Pola Negri? the tarnished sophistication of Kay Francis? Nope. None of the above. The stage is bare and the lighting washes her out in favor of the tomato red shawl. (The black and red boa she left on her dressing-room chair would have been a better choice, anyway.) Her opening number, which sounds like electronic, imitation Jobim, is about a seagull without a nest, searching for happiness. I guess a gaviota hell-bent on revenge would be too obvious even for a telenovela. Now there’s a concept.
Back in the dressing room, Our Heroine is looking mighty pleased with herself. What exactly she did is unclear but I’ll bet y’all a buck I know the outcome. She plugs in the lamp – sparks – yup, it’s a blackout, right in the middle of Gav’s theme song. The seven extras try to sound like a panicked crowd. Paco tries to calm them down. Diana tries unplugging the lamp. The audience is quieted but the bar remains dark. After a minute the lights go back up and the patrons are gone. Gaviota and Paco are impactados. No puede ser. They look around as if they expect to find Gav’s fans hiding under the tables or behind the potted palms. Diana comes out onstage like a naughty second-grader, all “aw, gee, my bad, but I’m still cute, right?” After a moment they decide she is. Hilarity ensues.
At Casa Irazabal, Max is in bed, shirtless and alone. He’s treating us to a new pose from the “Studs in the Sack” calendar: on his side, propped up on his elbow, facing the camera. He’s obsessing about Diana and not liking it. Oh. No, he’s not alone. A female hand appears on his shoulder. It’s Faux Marfil, rising up behind him like Godzilla over a Tokyo skyline. She fondles him, murmuring sweet nothings. “Just let me love you,” she says in a breathy voice. I feel slightly queasy and am happy we are going to commercial.
Days later. Poolside at the mansion. Lala serves breakfast to Max and tía Yolanda. Doña Santa is being a naughty granny. She won’t take her meds or eat or listen to anyone but Max. And Max is always at the factory. Max doesn’t want another nurse in the house. He wants Yolanda to take charge of Granny S. She reiterates what a handful DS is, then heaves a sigh. It’s a pity what happened to Diana. Diana was able to handle her. Max asks Lala if Our Heroine’s trial is today. It is, and God willing she’s found innocent, Lala replies. She should have stopped there, but no. She informs Max of Diego and Diana’s intended wedding. Max just can’t nail “attractively impactado” for love or money. He looks at Lala, then Yolanda, then away. If this novela were in Latvian, I’d swear he was trying to remember where the heck he’d left his car keys.
The long-awaited courtroom scene. Behind Gaviota and Diana, we see Diego, Emilio, Gaby, and Granny M. Pan to Dr. Evil and his lawyer. Pan to Andrés, then to Paco. Everyone but the Surprise Witness is present and accounted for. Enter La Juez. She makes her little speech and Diana rises to hear the charges against her.
Back at Irascible Manor, Max can’t believe what Lala just told him. And if Diana is found guilty? They’ll get married just the same. Max furrows his brow as he works this one out. Lala excuses herself. Yolanda knows what’s going on here. Max tries to claim he doesn’t care, but she answers that isn’t true, he’s dying to be in the courtroom. Our Hero furrows his brow again, completely befuddled. We can almost see the wheels turning in his head. “Do I have a line here? I don’t think I have a line. This is just a close-up, right? I’m pretty sure I don’t say anything here…”
We leave Max to figure it out as best he can and return to Our Heroine’s trial. While the charges are read, Diana thought-bubbles: “Maximiliano. You didn’t come, blah, blah, blah. But of course you didn’t come, you don’t believe in me.” Mournful flute music.
Octavia’s happy home, where the coven has assembled in the parlor. Lady O pretends to drink from an empty porcelain cup. She remarks that the trial is probably starting. Faux Marfil hopes with all her might that they throw the book at Diana. Octavia almost cracks a smile as she says they all hope that. Bruna snickers. I’ve got to hand it to Alicia Plaza. Even when she doesn’t have a line, Bruna’s wacky, lovable malevolence really comes across.
We’re back in court and the prosecuting attorney is showboating through his opening arguments. As the music becomes louder, more insistent, more menacing, each of our friends gets a close-up. Granny M’s the last one and now we’re in flashback mode. Diana runs down the hall, she’s at the elevator, she’s frantically pushing the button for an elevator that won’t come. We all know what that’s like. It especially sucks when you’re in a hurry. And here comes Dr. Evil bolting down the hall, clad in bathrobe, disco chain, pajamas, and slippers. He has something white sprayed over one eye. They struggle, he falls down the stairs and sprawls face-down on the first landing. He’s not moving, so Diana starts down the stairs. (Excuse me, but didn’t he just try to rape her a few minutes ago?) A nifty PowerPoint wipe effect returns us to the present. Close-up of Diana, looking down in shame, with the Glycerine Tear of True Dolor rolling down one cheek. The Big Bad Prosecutor urges the jury to punish Diana to the full extent of the law, or something like that. The natives get restless, Diana loses it and starts to sob, and the judge calls for order. Gav tries to soothe her client. Diana just wants to get this hell over with.
Luscious Larry is out by the pool. Rene swims up. Has Larry seen Pilar? No, and he hasn’t been taking her calls, either. Rene says Larry won’t forgive Pilar because he’s afraid of appearing weak. Larry admits it. Rene climbs out of the pool and proceeds to tell Our Airhead Adonis that he was in his car outside the beachfront café that afternoon. Afterwards he drove Pilar to visit Little Doormat. Larry is impactado – “¡¿Quééé?!” Rene obligingly fills him in on the hijinks that followed, giving a special mention to Granny la Fiera. Pobrecita de Gaby. What? Didn’t Larry dump her? But Larry feels dirty, like he used her, and she didn’t deserve that. Little Doormat is so sweet, so affectionate, etc., etc. He even tells Rene about the love letters. Rene whistles. So what’s Lunkhead going to do? Find a lawyer, he supposes, get divorced from Gaby. Close-up of Larry, all tousled hair and Bambi eyes and bewilderment. Pobre de Larry.
Dr. Evil’s other lawyer is addressing the court now. He’s not saying anything about Our Heroine and her alleged crimes that we haven’t already heard. There’s a brief flashback of Diana in Ignacio’s apartment, picking up a candle and throwing hot wax in his face. This is attempted murder, says the lawyer. Our Heroine starts to lose it again. Disorder in the court, with the judge calling for silence and Granny M shouting “These are all lies!” Granny M rules.
We take a break from the legal shenanigans to check in at Casa Silvia. Elsa la Maestra de las Ciencias Ocultas is here. Camila’s looking almost demure in a ruffled, baby-blue top that starts below the collar bone and ends just under the bust. Maybe it’s the little sleeves. Anyway, Camila tells Elsa that she couldn’t get a pair of Maxi’s underwear, but Silvia fared better. Enter Larry’s black bikinis, followed by Sylvia. Today Silvia is Foxy Brown. An Anglo-Hispanic Foxy Brown, but Foxy Brown all the same. The afro wig is downright impressive. She gives Elsa the briefs. Elsa, too, is amazed at how tiny they are. Hmmm. Are they trying to tell us something here? Like…I don’t know…Luscious Larry has no cojones? Oh, yeah, the scene. Silvia gets all hot and bothered describing how babealicious Larry is. Elsa, fondling Larry’s underwear, is increasingly impactada, and after Silvia exclaims “What a sight he must be naked!” I expect them both to sigh and light up a couple cigarettes. Instead, Elsa tells Foxy/Sylvia to put the underwear in a basin of honey to sweeten Lunkhead’s heart and then throw in a few cinnamon sticks to tame him. Silvia repeats the ingredients and Elsa again demands $500.00. Camila reacts as offensively as before but after some three-way wrangling, Foxy/Sylvia reaches into her top for the money so that Elsa won’t put a curse on them. “¡Hasta nunca!” snaps the M.O.S. as she throws the briefs in Sylvia’s wig and stalks out. Camila’s peeved that Foxy wasted $500.00 when they’re broke. Sylvia doesn’t care. She’s off to get honey and cinnamon sticks. She asks Camila to take care of the sacred briefs and dashes to the door. Disgusted, Camila throws them at the wall.
Lala and Nancy outside. They’re discussing Diana’s trial. Nancy asks if Diego’s really going to marry Diana no matter what the verdict. Lala says he is. Nancy is crushed.
Meanwhile, back in the courtroom, Big Bad Prosecutor #2 is still at it. Diana Soriano is a criminal. The accused musters up her telepathic powers to have another mental chat with Max. Just over her shoulder we can see Granny M looking hopelessly bored. And no wonder, because Our Heroine isn’t saying anything new. The love we once had, etc., your child born in prison, etc., etc. Cut to Max in his office, looking up from his laptop with a WTF expression on his face. Dr. Evil has beat Our Heroine to the telepathic punch. We hear the usual about Diana. Close-up of Max looking perturbed. Cut back to Diana. “You doubted me, Maximiliano, believed the lies you were told, and all I wanted was a place in your heart.” Close-up of Diana with the GTTD. Prosecutor #2 hasn’t stopped talking and shows no signs of doing so anytime soon. Diana thought-bubbles to Max that she really is innocent. Cut back to Max, who’s doing some thought-bubbling of his own. “Why did you deceive me, blah, blah, blah.” And back to Our Heroine: “Now we’ll never be able to be together.” Commercial. Whew.
Lala and Nancy again. Nancy asks, with all due respect, what good this marriage will be for Diego if Diana doesn’t love him? Because Diego’s greatest hope in the world is that she will grow to love him. Once upon a time, a parent’s advice was sacred, but now the young ‘uns go with their feelings. Nancy remains doubtful. She’s one of the smartest characters on this show.
Licenciado Evil is still going. That man’s got stamina. Diana can’t take anymore, leaps to her feet, and cries out “It’s not true! I am innocent!” She startles Granny M out of her nap and Gaviota tries to restrain her, but she’s not done protesting her innocence. Close-up of Prosecutor #2 raising an eyebrow but otherwise unmoved. Andrés gets into the act and it’s hootenanny time again. Everybody gets up to point, shout, wave their arms. The clerk calls for order. Close-up of the prosecutor looking as if he’d just wiped the last canary feather off his lips. La Juez pounds her gavel and yells “¡Silencio!” to no avail.
The perfume factory. Octavia walks into Max’s office, still wearing the café-au-lait sack from her previous scene. She has some billing that needs to go out. Max isn’t listening. Max is sorry, uh, he was, uh, thinking, uh…He was thinking of the nurse, of course. Octavia wants to know if it will bother him if she’s found guilty. Max wants to know how she knew the date of the trial. I want to know why everyone is so sure Diana will be tried and sentenced today. Anyway, Mamacita’s reply is that Octavia Irazabal knows everything. She hopes Diana is convicted. And Max? “Why wish that Diana be found guilty?” Octav tells him to quit wasting his time thinking about that mujercita and to get that billing out. Exit Octavia. Max gropes for his cell phone and dials. He has that slightly stunned look on his face. Then he hangs up. “Doesn’t it occur to Emilio to keep me posted?” And miss a second of the excitement? I don’t think so, Max.
Back in the courtroom, la Juez is still banging her gavel and calling for silence. When she finally gets everyone to shut up, she declares a half hour recess. As people start clearing out, I see that the prosecution has about a dozen red and blue folders strewn over their table, compared to the two Gaviota has. Hmmm. Well, at least Gav has a snappy, bright red purse for carrying her I Am a Legal Professional glasses. Ignacio gives Our Heroine the Evil Eye as he passes their table.
Team Soriano gathers in the hall for a huddle. Granny M has a bad feeling about this. Gaby begs her not to say that. Wait. No puede ser. Somebody please tell me that Little Doormat is not wearing white Mary Janes and little white ankle socks. Tell me I imagined that. Sorry. So, Paco and Diego are outraged by the way Diana’s sterling character is being blackened. Andrés comes out and stops at the water cooler. Diego decides this would be a good opportunity to prove his manhood, defend his fiancée’s honor, and beat the crap out of someone from Team Montiel all at the same time. Paco tries to hold him off, but Diego is a fiera, damn it. He breaks free and manages to get one punch in before security intervenes. Andrés baits him, saying he won’t be prevented from testifying against Diana. Diego makes futile attempts to get free and tells Andrés it’s war as security hustles him out. Tú eres malcarado, says Paco.* Andrés isn’t terribly put out by this. He manages to set Paco off. Paco lunges at him, but an elderly gent I don’t recognize (Gaviota’s legal mentor?) and Granny M restrain him. Close-up of Paco burning with righteous indignation.
In the courtroom, Gaviota is giving Our Heroine a belated lesson in trial etiquette. But they were telling lies, whimpers Diana, I had to defend myself. If Diana’s ideas on sex are Victorian, her ideas on legal procedure are downright medieval. En fin. Gaviota’s lecture continues. Another outburst and you could go to jail for contempt. Diana’s afraid. She’s not feeling optimistic.
Out in the hall, Emilio takes out his cell phone and dials. Cut to Max in his office. He’s staring out the window. The phone rings and he bolts over to the desk. Max asks how it’s going. It’s a circus, answers Emilio, giving a recap of the trial so far. And Diana? Emilio says you’ve got to feel sorry for the girl, he might be wrong, but it seems to him she’s innocent. Close-up of Max, gamely trying for attractively impactado again.
In the courtroom, Gav offers to ask for a recess until tomorrow. No. Diana wants to keep going. Diana has to be brave. It’s only just begun. But the Big Bad Lawyer was so rude to her. Gaviota lets her know that’s nothing compared to what’s coming. The worst moments of her life could lie just ahead. Close-up of Diana, teary-eyed and pouting as if Gaviota had just told her there was no Santa Claus.
Now we’re in chambers. Dr. Evil and Licenciado Evil are having a drink. Ignacio congratulates the Big Bad Lawyer on his attack. Lic. Evil is confident that Team Montiel is going to win. Enter Andrés. After hearing what occurred in the hall, the BBL asks if he wants to press charges. (No case too small for this enterprising fellow.) Andrés declines. He’ll make Diego pay.
Max is still on the phone. Does Emilio think Diana will be found innocent? (Before lunch? Is he kidding?) Emilio doesn’t know, the trial just started. All he knows is that the prosecution is going full-force against Diana. Max is getting emotional here. Diana must be found innocent.
Speaking of Diana, here she is again, perched on the table and having a cup of air. Gav asks if she still feels nervous. She does. They fall silent, Diana scoots off the table, then turns and asks if Gaviota believes her. Sentimental guitar music as Gav tilts her head and gives Our Heroine a tender smile. Of course she does, blah, blah, blah. Diana’s afraid, the BBL told so many lies. Gav reassures her and then says “Your own innocence is your best defense.” I’m no lawyer, but if that’s the best Gaviota has in those two folders of hers, I’d say Our Heroine is in trouble.
Back to the hall to see what’s up with the remains of Team Soriano. Granny M asks Paco what’s going to happen to Diego. Paco’s not sure if he’s been arrested or not. Enter Andrés. Andrés should find another water cooler. This time Gaby goes after him. “You’re worthless,” she says. There’s more angry back and forth between Paco and Andrés. Little Doormat, feeling quite the grown woman in her white Mary Janes, tells Paco to lay off, Andrés isn’t worth fighting with, he’s just the accomplice of the doctor who’s after her sister. Close-up of Andrés nodding his head for no apparent reason.
Poolside at Casa Irascible. Paola’s on the phone. Today’s bikini is somewhat more conservative, just a plaid top with a solid bottom. Cut to Pancholón on a beach. We can’t see his bikini. Paola wants to know when he’ll be back from the Bahamas. In a few days. She asks if Caramelo went along. The waves drown out his reply but he seems to deny it, because Paola’s next question is who he went to the Bahamas with. In answer to that, we see Caramelo approaching Pancho. And the deal? Paola can’t wait for him to come back so they can get that going. She wants to live dangerously, walk on the wild side, have hot, primitive naco sex, etc., etc. After prolonged goodbyes she hangs up.
We’re in the courtroom. Round two is about to begin. So far it’s Team Montiel one, Team Soriano zero. La Juez announces that la licenciada Fedora Garcez is up at bat. Gaviota stands and takes a deep breath.
Casa Irascible again. Faux Marfil is alone in the living room. She picks up the phone and calls Octavia. This woman really ought to find herself a hobby, like hang-gliding or scrapbooking. Anyway, Our Little Blonde Weasel is checking in to see if Octavia’s heard any news about the trial. No. Faux Marfil appears nervous.
Gaviota is addressing the jury. Toying with her glasses, she declares her intention of proving the plaintiff’s testimony false. Diana was sexually harassed by Dr. Evil, etc. and so on. We all know the real story. The prosecution objects but is overruled. Gaviota continues her opening argument. Dr. Evil shakes his head. Flashback to Ignacio’s apartment on that Fateful Night. He’s using a dropper to put a date-rape drug in Our Heroine’s drink. He brings it over to her. She stands with her hands on her hips, looking at him disapprovingly. She’s not that kind of Sex Kitten. She takes the drink and throws it in his face. PowerPoint wipe effect to the present. The dozen or so actors on the set try to sound like fifty making noises of disbelief. They don’t really succeed. Again Dr. Evil shakes his head. Close-up of Diana looking a bit nauseous.
Poolside at the mansion. Paola and Rene frolic and gambol winsomely in the background. Luscious Larry sits at the table with his OJ and his cell phone, which starts to ring. “Pilar, Pilar,” he sighs, picking it up. After repeatedly saying he won’t answer, he answers. Pilar wants to see him. She wants to show him how much she loves him. Larry is stumped for a reply. Ominous violin music that continues into the next scene.
La Juez is banging her gavel again. She’s had enough fun today, they can all pick up again tomorrow. Team Soriano gathers outside the courtroom. Everyone offers Diana encouragement. Except for Granny M, who looks depressed and seems to think Our Heroine is screwed. Out comes Dr. Evil. “Don’t even dream of being declared innocent. I swear we’re going to sink you!” Group shot of Team Soriano impactados. Close-up of Diana looking pissed, followed by close-ups all around, ending with the same shot of Diana looking pissed.
Roll credits.
*I couldn’t find this in the dictionary. “You’ve got an ugly mug”?
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Paco’s bar. A good time is being had by all. Well, except for Diana, moping by herself in a dress borrowed from Gaviota. Gaby, who is inexplicably wearing her seventh-grade parochial school uniform, tells Diana she needs to fake it a little. Little Doormat gets the ball rolling by tickling her. Gaviota comes up while this heartwarming little romp is in progress. She’s glad to see them smiling. She’s got something to smile about, too. She’s almost sure that she has what she needs to ruin Octavia and take everything back, mansion included. She invites the girls, and Granny M, of course, to live there with her. But Diego – yes, Diego, too. After all, Casa Irascible holds such happy memories for the kids. Grannny M weaves up. She’s been making too much whoopee. She had two glasses of champagne and needs to go home. Gaby takes her out. Gaviota looks at Diana. “You can’t stop thinking about Maximiliano, can you?” No answer. “You’re still in love with him.” Diana 'fesses up. She likes 'em stolid and bovine, and that’s our boy Max. Gaviota slowly blinks.
Ignacio’s office. He’s with Andrés. He’s got a Styrofoam cup of coffee which he stirs compulsively as he verifies that Andrés has his testimony down. Andrés assures Dr. Evil that Diana will end in jail. The happiest moment in Ignacio’s life will be when the judge declares that dirty schemer guilty. How many years does Ignacio think she’ll get? Dr. Evil’s really getting off on this. All told, Diana will be withered, destroyed, finished when she gets out. Andrés is smiling, but he looks a little creeped out by the thrill Ignacio’s getting.
At Casa Soriano, Gaby has put Granny M to bed and is curled up on the red sofa. She tells Larry how much she misses him. There’s a pounding at the door. The parade of vengeful women isn’t quite over. Pilar storms in, followed by Rene in naco drag. Pilar is in full fiera mode, ready to kick some Soriano butt in her platform rope sandals. She accuses Gaby of ratting her out to Larry so Little Doormat could have him for herself. Rene tries to quiet her down, but she insists on making a big stink. He settles for keeping Pilar at bay while Gaby declares it’s not her fault Larry married her, she loved him. Pilar belittles her for being a servant and an ugly and blind one at that. Little Doormat’s reply is garbled by half-choked sobs. Pilar gets in her face and asks what her love was worth, what good it did her. Gaby shows an ounce of spunk. She won’t be insulted in her own house and wants them to get out. Pilar’s not done screaming, however. “Whether you want to or not, you’re going to divorce Larry because he’s going to marry me!”
We return to Ignacio’s office. Dr. Evil is yammering away about “that slut-nurse” being a gold-digger, rejecting a prime catch like himself for a millionaire. Andrés cheers him up by reminding him that Diana’s going to rot in jail. Once again Ignacio says how much he’ll enjoy hearing the judge sentence her.
Back in Gaby’s living room, Pilar is screaming more accusations and Little Doormat is making tearful denials. It’s essentially the same conversation as the previous scene with a change of vocabulary and a few embellishments. Rene drags his fingers over his face as if he’s having a delayed reaction to some drugs he did earlier. Pilar lunges at Gaby but Rene snaps out of it and restrains her. It’s time for Gaby to wake up, her Cinderella dream has turned into a nightmare. Rene insists that it’s time to go. Too late. The only one to wake up is Granny M, and boy, is she pissed! She thrusts Gaby behind her and shouts that if Little Doormat doesn’t know how to defend herself, she’s here to defend her. Okay, everybody, it’s hootenanny time. All four begin screaming at each other. Granny leaves the room. While Rene tries to shut her up and get her out, Pilar tells Little Doormat that Larry’s going to divorce her, etc. Uh-oh. Granny’s back on the scene with a large bucket of water. She douses Pilar and menaces her with the bucket, backing her towards the door, shouting “¡Fuera!” over and over. Gaby runs to her room in tears, throws herself on the bed, and sobs. Granny is right behind her to give her grandmotherly love and support. It’s all very poignant.
Gaviota and Diana are in the dressing room. While they have a mindless exchange about the faulty lamp on Gav’s dressing table, I wonder if she actually wears the page-boy wig on what looks like a human-sized Barbie head. I admire the feather boa collection draped over the folding screen in the corner and then Diana catches my attention when she claims to know a little something about electricity. Paco leans in to say it’s showtime. Admonishing her to be careful, Gaviota exits. Little Miss Fix-It unplugs the lamp and sits down. This does not bode well.
Onstage, Paco introduces Gaviota, who has “the prettiest voice in the whole city.” All seven extras whistle, applaud, and shout “Bravo”, trying to sound like an audience of at least fifteen. Since the writers have lifted this plotline from any number of “Woman Who Strays and Pays” epics of the Thirties, I’ve been anxious to see what kind of cabaret chanteuse Gaviota turns out to be. Are we in for the sardonic allure of Marlene Dietrich? the spangles and Weltschmerz of Pola Negri? the tarnished sophistication of Kay Francis? Nope. None of the above. The stage is bare and the lighting washes her out in favor of the tomato red shawl. (The black and red boa she left on her dressing-room chair would have been a better choice, anyway.) Her opening number, which sounds like electronic, imitation Jobim, is about a seagull without a nest, searching for happiness. I guess a gaviota hell-bent on revenge would be too obvious even for a telenovela. Now there’s a concept.
Back in the dressing room, Our Heroine is looking mighty pleased with herself. What exactly she did is unclear but I’ll bet y’all a buck I know the outcome. She plugs in the lamp – sparks – yup, it’s a blackout, right in the middle of Gav’s theme song. The seven extras try to sound like a panicked crowd. Paco tries to calm them down. Diana tries unplugging the lamp. The audience is quieted but the bar remains dark. After a minute the lights go back up and the patrons are gone. Gaviota and Paco are impactados. No puede ser. They look around as if they expect to find Gav’s fans hiding under the tables or behind the potted palms. Diana comes out onstage like a naughty second-grader, all “aw, gee, my bad, but I’m still cute, right?” After a moment they decide she is. Hilarity ensues.
At Casa Irazabal, Max is in bed, shirtless and alone. He’s treating us to a new pose from the “Studs in the Sack” calendar: on his side, propped up on his elbow, facing the camera. He’s obsessing about Diana and not liking it. Oh. No, he’s not alone. A female hand appears on his shoulder. It’s Faux Marfil, rising up behind him like Godzilla over a Tokyo skyline. She fondles him, murmuring sweet nothings. “Just let me love you,” she says in a breathy voice. I feel slightly queasy and am happy we are going to commercial.
Days later. Poolside at the mansion. Lala serves breakfast to Max and tía Yolanda. Doña Santa is being a naughty granny. She won’t take her meds or eat or listen to anyone but Max. And Max is always at the factory. Max doesn’t want another nurse in the house. He wants Yolanda to take charge of Granny S. She reiterates what a handful DS is, then heaves a sigh. It’s a pity what happened to Diana. Diana was able to handle her. Max asks Lala if Our Heroine’s trial is today. It is, and God willing she’s found innocent, Lala replies. She should have stopped there, but no. She informs Max of Diego and Diana’s intended wedding. Max just can’t nail “attractively impactado” for love or money. He looks at Lala, then Yolanda, then away. If this novela were in Latvian, I’d swear he was trying to remember where the heck he’d left his car keys.
The long-awaited courtroom scene. Behind Gaviota and Diana, we see Diego, Emilio, Gaby, and Granny M. Pan to Dr. Evil and his lawyer. Pan to Andrés, then to Paco. Everyone but the Surprise Witness is present and accounted for. Enter La Juez. She makes her little speech and Diana rises to hear the charges against her.
Back at Irascible Manor, Max can’t believe what Lala just told him. And if Diana is found guilty? They’ll get married just the same. Max furrows his brow as he works this one out. Lala excuses herself. Yolanda knows what’s going on here. Max tries to claim he doesn’t care, but she answers that isn’t true, he’s dying to be in the courtroom. Our Hero furrows his brow again, completely befuddled. We can almost see the wheels turning in his head. “Do I have a line here? I don’t think I have a line. This is just a close-up, right? I’m pretty sure I don’t say anything here…”
We leave Max to figure it out as best he can and return to Our Heroine’s trial. While the charges are read, Diana thought-bubbles: “Maximiliano. You didn’t come, blah, blah, blah. But of course you didn’t come, you don’t believe in me.” Mournful flute music.
Octavia’s happy home, where the coven has assembled in the parlor. Lady O pretends to drink from an empty porcelain cup. She remarks that the trial is probably starting. Faux Marfil hopes with all her might that they throw the book at Diana. Octavia almost cracks a smile as she says they all hope that. Bruna snickers. I’ve got to hand it to Alicia Plaza. Even when she doesn’t have a line, Bruna’s wacky, lovable malevolence really comes across.
We’re back in court and the prosecuting attorney is showboating through his opening arguments. As the music becomes louder, more insistent, more menacing, each of our friends gets a close-up. Granny M’s the last one and now we’re in flashback mode. Diana runs down the hall, she’s at the elevator, she’s frantically pushing the button for an elevator that won’t come. We all know what that’s like. It especially sucks when you’re in a hurry. And here comes Dr. Evil bolting down the hall, clad in bathrobe, disco chain, pajamas, and slippers. He has something white sprayed over one eye. They struggle, he falls down the stairs and sprawls face-down on the first landing. He’s not moving, so Diana starts down the stairs. (Excuse me, but didn’t he just try to rape her a few minutes ago?) A nifty PowerPoint wipe effect returns us to the present. Close-up of Diana, looking down in shame, with the Glycerine Tear of True Dolor rolling down one cheek. The Big Bad Prosecutor urges the jury to punish Diana to the full extent of the law, or something like that. The natives get restless, Diana loses it and starts to sob, and the judge calls for order. Gav tries to soothe her client. Diana just wants to get this hell over with.
Luscious Larry is out by the pool. Rene swims up. Has Larry seen Pilar? No, and he hasn’t been taking her calls, either. Rene says Larry won’t forgive Pilar because he’s afraid of appearing weak. Larry admits it. Rene climbs out of the pool and proceeds to tell Our Airhead Adonis that he was in his car outside the beachfront café that afternoon. Afterwards he drove Pilar to visit Little Doormat. Larry is impactado – “¡¿Quééé?!” Rene obligingly fills him in on the hijinks that followed, giving a special mention to Granny la Fiera. Pobrecita de Gaby. What? Didn’t Larry dump her? But Larry feels dirty, like he used her, and she didn’t deserve that. Little Doormat is so sweet, so affectionate, etc., etc. He even tells Rene about the love letters. Rene whistles. So what’s Lunkhead going to do? Find a lawyer, he supposes, get divorced from Gaby. Close-up of Larry, all tousled hair and Bambi eyes and bewilderment. Pobre de Larry.
Dr. Evil’s other lawyer is addressing the court now. He’s not saying anything about Our Heroine and her alleged crimes that we haven’t already heard. There’s a brief flashback of Diana in Ignacio’s apartment, picking up a candle and throwing hot wax in his face. This is attempted murder, says the lawyer. Our Heroine starts to lose it again. Disorder in the court, with the judge calling for silence and Granny M shouting “These are all lies!” Granny M rules.
We take a break from the legal shenanigans to check in at Casa Silvia. Elsa la Maestra de las Ciencias Ocultas is here. Camila’s looking almost demure in a ruffled, baby-blue top that starts below the collar bone and ends just under the bust. Maybe it’s the little sleeves. Anyway, Camila tells Elsa that she couldn’t get a pair of Maxi’s underwear, but Silvia fared better. Enter Larry’s black bikinis, followed by Sylvia. Today Silvia is Foxy Brown. An Anglo-Hispanic Foxy Brown, but Foxy Brown all the same. The afro wig is downright impressive. She gives Elsa the briefs. Elsa, too, is amazed at how tiny they are. Hmmm. Are they trying to tell us something here? Like…I don’t know…Luscious Larry has no cojones? Oh, yeah, the scene. Silvia gets all hot and bothered describing how babealicious Larry is. Elsa, fondling Larry’s underwear, is increasingly impactada, and after Silvia exclaims “What a sight he must be naked!” I expect them both to sigh and light up a couple cigarettes. Instead, Elsa tells Foxy/Sylvia to put the underwear in a basin of honey to sweeten Lunkhead’s heart and then throw in a few cinnamon sticks to tame him. Silvia repeats the ingredients and Elsa again demands $500.00. Camila reacts as offensively as before but after some three-way wrangling, Foxy/Sylvia reaches into her top for the money so that Elsa won’t put a curse on them. “¡Hasta nunca!” snaps the M.O.S. as she throws the briefs in Sylvia’s wig and stalks out. Camila’s peeved that Foxy wasted $500.00 when they’re broke. Sylvia doesn’t care. She’s off to get honey and cinnamon sticks. She asks Camila to take care of the sacred briefs and dashes to the door. Disgusted, Camila throws them at the wall.
Lala and Nancy outside. They’re discussing Diana’s trial. Nancy asks if Diego’s really going to marry Diana no matter what the verdict. Lala says he is. Nancy is crushed.
Meanwhile, back in the courtroom, Big Bad Prosecutor #2 is still at it. Diana Soriano is a criminal. The accused musters up her telepathic powers to have another mental chat with Max. Just over her shoulder we can see Granny M looking hopelessly bored. And no wonder, because Our Heroine isn’t saying anything new. The love we once had, etc., your child born in prison, etc., etc. Cut to Max in his office, looking up from his laptop with a WTF expression on his face. Dr. Evil has beat Our Heroine to the telepathic punch. We hear the usual about Diana. Close-up of Max looking perturbed. Cut back to Diana. “You doubted me, Maximiliano, believed the lies you were told, and all I wanted was a place in your heart.” Close-up of Diana with the GTTD. Prosecutor #2 hasn’t stopped talking and shows no signs of doing so anytime soon. Diana thought-bubbles to Max that she really is innocent. Cut back to Max, who’s doing some thought-bubbling of his own. “Why did you deceive me, blah, blah, blah.” And back to Our Heroine: “Now we’ll never be able to be together.” Commercial. Whew.
Lala and Nancy again. Nancy asks, with all due respect, what good this marriage will be for Diego if Diana doesn’t love him? Because Diego’s greatest hope in the world is that she will grow to love him. Once upon a time, a parent’s advice was sacred, but now the young ‘uns go with their feelings. Nancy remains doubtful. She’s one of the smartest characters on this show.
Licenciado Evil is still going. That man’s got stamina. Diana can’t take anymore, leaps to her feet, and cries out “It’s not true! I am innocent!” She startles Granny M out of her nap and Gaviota tries to restrain her, but she’s not done protesting her innocence. Close-up of Prosecutor #2 raising an eyebrow but otherwise unmoved. Andrés gets into the act and it’s hootenanny time again. Everybody gets up to point, shout, wave their arms. The clerk calls for order. Close-up of the prosecutor looking as if he’d just wiped the last canary feather off his lips. La Juez pounds her gavel and yells “¡Silencio!” to no avail.
The perfume factory. Octavia walks into Max’s office, still wearing the café-au-lait sack from her previous scene. She has some billing that needs to go out. Max isn’t listening. Max is sorry, uh, he was, uh, thinking, uh…He was thinking of the nurse, of course. Octavia wants to know if it will bother him if she’s found guilty. Max wants to know how she knew the date of the trial. I want to know why everyone is so sure Diana will be tried and sentenced today. Anyway, Mamacita’s reply is that Octavia Irazabal knows everything. She hopes Diana is convicted. And Max? “Why wish that Diana be found guilty?” Octav tells him to quit wasting his time thinking about that mujercita and to get that billing out. Exit Octavia. Max gropes for his cell phone and dials. He has that slightly stunned look on his face. Then he hangs up. “Doesn’t it occur to Emilio to keep me posted?” And miss a second of the excitement? I don’t think so, Max.
Back in the courtroom, la Juez is still banging her gavel and calling for silence. When she finally gets everyone to shut up, she declares a half hour recess. As people start clearing out, I see that the prosecution has about a dozen red and blue folders strewn over their table, compared to the two Gaviota has. Hmmm. Well, at least Gav has a snappy, bright red purse for carrying her I Am a Legal Professional glasses. Ignacio gives Our Heroine the Evil Eye as he passes their table.
Team Soriano gathers in the hall for a huddle. Granny M has a bad feeling about this. Gaby begs her not to say that. Wait. No puede ser. Somebody please tell me that Little Doormat is not wearing white Mary Janes and little white ankle socks. Tell me I imagined that. Sorry. So, Paco and Diego are outraged by the way Diana’s sterling character is being blackened. Andrés comes out and stops at the water cooler. Diego decides this would be a good opportunity to prove his manhood, defend his fiancée’s honor, and beat the crap out of someone from Team Montiel all at the same time. Paco tries to hold him off, but Diego is a fiera, damn it. He breaks free and manages to get one punch in before security intervenes. Andrés baits him, saying he won’t be prevented from testifying against Diana. Diego makes futile attempts to get free and tells Andrés it’s war as security hustles him out. Tú eres malcarado, says Paco.* Andrés isn’t terribly put out by this. He manages to set Paco off. Paco lunges at him, but an elderly gent I don’t recognize (Gaviota’s legal mentor?) and Granny M restrain him. Close-up of Paco burning with righteous indignation.
In the courtroom, Gaviota is giving Our Heroine a belated lesson in trial etiquette. But they were telling lies, whimpers Diana, I had to defend myself. If Diana’s ideas on sex are Victorian, her ideas on legal procedure are downright medieval. En fin. Gaviota’s lecture continues. Another outburst and you could go to jail for contempt. Diana’s afraid. She’s not feeling optimistic.
Out in the hall, Emilio takes out his cell phone and dials. Cut to Max in his office. He’s staring out the window. The phone rings and he bolts over to the desk. Max asks how it’s going. It’s a circus, answers Emilio, giving a recap of the trial so far. And Diana? Emilio says you’ve got to feel sorry for the girl, he might be wrong, but it seems to him she’s innocent. Close-up of Max, gamely trying for attractively impactado again.
In the courtroom, Gav offers to ask for a recess until tomorrow. No. Diana wants to keep going. Diana has to be brave. It’s only just begun. But the Big Bad Lawyer was so rude to her. Gaviota lets her know that’s nothing compared to what’s coming. The worst moments of her life could lie just ahead. Close-up of Diana, teary-eyed and pouting as if Gaviota had just told her there was no Santa Claus.
Now we’re in chambers. Dr. Evil and Licenciado Evil are having a drink. Ignacio congratulates the Big Bad Lawyer on his attack. Lic. Evil is confident that Team Montiel is going to win. Enter Andrés. After hearing what occurred in the hall, the BBL asks if he wants to press charges. (No case too small for this enterprising fellow.) Andrés declines. He’ll make Diego pay.
Max is still on the phone. Does Emilio think Diana will be found innocent? (Before lunch? Is he kidding?) Emilio doesn’t know, the trial just started. All he knows is that the prosecution is going full-force against Diana. Max is getting emotional here. Diana must be found innocent.
Speaking of Diana, here she is again, perched on the table and having a cup of air. Gav asks if she still feels nervous. She does. They fall silent, Diana scoots off the table, then turns and asks if Gaviota believes her. Sentimental guitar music as Gav tilts her head and gives Our Heroine a tender smile. Of course she does, blah, blah, blah. Diana’s afraid, the BBL told so many lies. Gav reassures her and then says “Your own innocence is your best defense.” I’m no lawyer, but if that’s the best Gaviota has in those two folders of hers, I’d say Our Heroine is in trouble.
Back to the hall to see what’s up with the remains of Team Soriano. Granny M asks Paco what’s going to happen to Diego. Paco’s not sure if he’s been arrested or not. Enter Andrés. Andrés should find another water cooler. This time Gaby goes after him. “You’re worthless,” she says. There’s more angry back and forth between Paco and Andrés. Little Doormat, feeling quite the grown woman in her white Mary Janes, tells Paco to lay off, Andrés isn’t worth fighting with, he’s just the accomplice of the doctor who’s after her sister. Close-up of Andrés nodding his head for no apparent reason.
Poolside at Casa Irascible. Paola’s on the phone. Today’s bikini is somewhat more conservative, just a plaid top with a solid bottom. Cut to Pancholón on a beach. We can’t see his bikini. Paola wants to know when he’ll be back from the Bahamas. In a few days. She asks if Caramelo went along. The waves drown out his reply but he seems to deny it, because Paola’s next question is who he went to the Bahamas with. In answer to that, we see Caramelo approaching Pancho. And the deal? Paola can’t wait for him to come back so they can get that going. She wants to live dangerously, walk on the wild side, have hot, primitive naco sex, etc., etc. After prolonged goodbyes she hangs up.
We’re in the courtroom. Round two is about to begin. So far it’s Team Montiel one, Team Soriano zero. La Juez announces that la licenciada Fedora Garcez is up at bat. Gaviota stands and takes a deep breath.
Casa Irascible again. Faux Marfil is alone in the living room. She picks up the phone and calls Octavia. This woman really ought to find herself a hobby, like hang-gliding or scrapbooking. Anyway, Our Little Blonde Weasel is checking in to see if Octavia’s heard any news about the trial. No. Faux Marfil appears nervous.
Gaviota is addressing the jury. Toying with her glasses, she declares her intention of proving the plaintiff’s testimony false. Diana was sexually harassed by Dr. Evil, etc. and so on. We all know the real story. The prosecution objects but is overruled. Gaviota continues her opening argument. Dr. Evil shakes his head. Flashback to Ignacio’s apartment on that Fateful Night. He’s using a dropper to put a date-rape drug in Our Heroine’s drink. He brings it over to her. She stands with her hands on her hips, looking at him disapprovingly. She’s not that kind of Sex Kitten. She takes the drink and throws it in his face. PowerPoint wipe effect to the present. The dozen or so actors on the set try to sound like fifty making noises of disbelief. They don’t really succeed. Again Dr. Evil shakes his head. Close-up of Diana looking a bit nauseous.
Poolside at the mansion. Paola and Rene frolic and gambol winsomely in the background. Luscious Larry sits at the table with his OJ and his cell phone, which starts to ring. “Pilar, Pilar,” he sighs, picking it up. After repeatedly saying he won’t answer, he answers. Pilar wants to see him. She wants to show him how much she loves him. Larry is stumped for a reply. Ominous violin music that continues into the next scene.
La Juez is banging her gavel again. She’s had enough fun today, they can all pick up again tomorrow. Team Soriano gathers outside the courtroom. Everyone offers Diana encouragement. Except for Granny M, who looks depressed and seems to think Our Heroine is screwed. Out comes Dr. Evil. “Don’t even dream of being declared innocent. I swear we’re going to sink you!” Group shot of Team Soriano impactados. Close-up of Diana looking pissed, followed by close-ups all around, ending with the same shot of Diana looking pissed.
Roll credits.
*I couldn’t find this in the dictionary. “You’ve got an ugly mug”?
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