Caray, Caray!

Somewhere in an uncharted jungle, the camera pans across the flaming, smoking wreckage of the Manicomio Express and the immobile bodies of our friends. The Orchestra of Doom plays somberly as we are treated to close-ups of everyone but the pilot. He probably didn’t make it.

Villa Vengeance. Upstairs, Gaviota is huddled up on the bed. She is still on her crying jag. Downstairs, Caramelo is waiting to talk to her. While she’s waiting, she regales Diego with yet another rendition of “Pancho is mine and I’m going to get him back.” Diego marvels at her capacity for forgiveness. Enter Fediota, and as Caramelo stands up I marvel at her denim micromini. Swimwear aside, it’s got to be the shortest garment I’ve ever seen on a telenovela. But this is Caramelo and she’s wearing the Blouse of Virtue, so it’s okay. She gives Fedora a brief account of her showdown with Octavia and is invited to take up residence at the Mansion.

At Intercoastal Five Star Rentals, a.k.a. Dr. Evil’s Lair, Camila is determined to rekindle the old flame and Max is finding it increasingly difficult to resist her insistent, slutty charm.

Back at Villa Vengeance, Fedora’s alone with Diego. This may explain why she feels the need for yet another drink. After knocking back a few fingers of scotch, she offers Diego one as well. He accepts. Enter Nancy, who announces that Caramelo is settled in her room. Exit Gaviota, to spend more quality time with her new best friend, John Barleycorn. Diego cries over his drink. Nancy says how sorry she is to see him so preocupado. He expresses regret for having been such a pendejo to Diana ever since they got married. Nancy gives him a loving pep talk. Diego’s response is negative, as usual.

La Selva. Close-up of Andrés, coming to. He looks around, then scoots over to Diana. Remembering the emergency technique Our Heroine used on Diego, Andrés tries to revive her by calling her name, slapping her, and shaking her head. Close-up of a bloody hand. It twitches. It’s Dr. Evil. He, too, regains consciousness. He looks around, then crawls over to the pilot. The pilot’s dead, all right. Ignacio goes over to Marfil and rouses her. He then demonstrates his superiority over Andrés by reviving Diana with the correct shake-and-shout technique. Once everyone is up there’s a few seconds of commotion before Dr. Evil brandishes his gun and takes charge of the situation. The manicomio can’t be far away. Diana and Marfil had better not try to escape. Our Good and Evil Sex Kittens are force-marched into the jungle where giant polar bears, a lost tribe of cannibals, guerilla warlords, or worse might await.

While Ignacio is fighting for bare survival, Camila is enjoying the luxuries of his TeleMiami condo. Over a copita of tequila, she thought-bubbles us a reminder of her position on the Max-Diana situation. Emilio calls looking for Max. Camila smiles and claims that Our Hero was there but he left. She keeps on smiling as the camera pans to a midshot of Max in the shower. There is no shower-curtain, no door to obscure the view of his mighty guns and perfect abs. Camila takes a good look, then turns to the camera with a lascivious grin to inform us that Max is hers.

Over at Emilio’s, Larry and Yolanda are killing time before their audition for "Sabado Gigante." Larry’s on the phone with Emilio, trying to locate Max. Yolanda panics after he breaks the bad news to her. Max drunk and on the loose is as bad as Larry sober and on the loose.

Back in the jungle, Diana insists that they’re signing their own death sentence by continuing to wander through the jungle. Marfil and Andrés agree with her. This enrages Dr. Evil. He and Andrés argue. Ignacio settles the argument with a punch in the mouth. Andrés warns him not to do that again. He’s very nervous, and when he’s nervous, he becomes brutal and dangerous. Dr. Evil gets the message. Marfil does, too. Diana, on the other hand, has that blank, uncomprehending impactada look. (There’s not much to get, querida: He’s got a short fuse and a loaded gun.)

Meanwhile, Max has finished his shower. He checks in with Larry. The Airhead Adonis vainly tries to persuade Our Hero to rejoin the family. Max has no desire to see Marfil’s face again. That jogs Lunkhead’s memory and he tells Max that Bruna is his mother-in-law. Our Hero furrows his brow as he sucks on the Invisible Lemon of Deep Thought.

We come back from commercial to find Bruna at Paco’s little love-nest. Octavia notes the tear-streaked face, the tangled hair, the torn sleeve. Bruna is in a vulnerable position which Lady O could turn to her advantage. Her Ladyship graciously lends an ear as Bruna weeps and tells her tale of woe. The String Quartet of Doom builds to a crescendo as Octavia widens her snake-like eyes.

Larry and Max have the same conversation as above, with the same result. Max is going to hang with Camila while Dr. Evil is out of town for a few days.

That’s our cue to see how Ignacio and his little band of followers are doing. Andrés tells Dr. Evil that here in the selva, they’re on equal footing. This escalates into an argument. Our Heroine shows her fine nineteenth century values by telling them to stop fighting. “You’re the men, you’re supposed to protect us women!” Marfil chimes in with something equally ridiculous. Ignacio declares that he and Andrés will have to unite against the women to make sure they don’t try to attack them, or escape. The march continues.

We take a helicopter to the perfume factory. Emilio’s in his office and Larry’s just given him the update on Max. Enter Paola, in a low-cut tight camisole and a silver-gray micromini. She’s here to pick up the money Emilio promised to lend her. Emilio tells her she looks sad. Cue piano music. She denies it, he doesn’t believe it, he offers his love, why’d she marry that guy, because she loves him. Emilio is desanimado. He writes her the check. She thanks him sadly and leaves. Pobre de Emilio.

As for Pancho’s legal wife, she’s still in the Jolly Green Dungeon with Diego. It’s the same old song. She blames Paola for stealing her man. Never mind the fact that her man has repeatedly shown himself to be a lying, conniving, faithless ratbastard.

Back at Paco’s, Bruna tearfully brings her story to a close. Ever the soul of tact, Octavia giggles when Bruna recounts the fight. Bruna wrings her hands and begs for a job. Lady O considers a moment, then magnanimously decides to make Bruna her “lady’s companion.” Somehow I do not think this will involve genteel conversation over embroidery hoops, or reading aloud from sentimental novels, or fetching the smelling salts. No, Her Ladyship needs an accomplice. Bruna drops to her knees to give thanks. Without sound or color, Octavia’s near-paralyzed features and Bruna’s Kabuki mask reactions would make a fine scene in one of Erich von Stroheim’s extravagantly stylized tales of decadence and degradation.

At Dr. Evil’s Lair, Camila tells Max she will make him forget Diana. Max furrows his brow. Commercial.

Upstairs at Villa Vengeance, Nancy brings Fediota a fresh decanter of scotch and a bucket of ice. She suggests that maybe our disconsolate songbird has had enough. “Get me a drink. I need it,” Gaviota replies. She stares moodily in close-up.

Back in the jungle our band of adventurers is suffering from dehydration. Andrés and Marfil go off on a tangent about her identity. Apparently Marfil can’t cite any conversations or information that only she could have known – some detail of the kidnap plot, for instance, or the amount of money they paid Isabel. Bueno, there’s a bit more screaming before Ignacio remarks that they’re turning into fierecitas. The march continues for about three feet. Diana falls into a pool of water that is also about three feet, in depth as well as circumference. She becomes hysterical.

From the muddy waters of the selva we go to the chlorinated waters of the pool behind the mansion. Little Doormat also found one of Octavia’s halter tops, a black one that she has paired with white trousers. Nancy enters, closely followed by Pilar. She’s here to have a showdown about Larry.

The studmuffin in question is lying on Emilio’s couch when the doorbell rings. Kique swaggers in. They need to talk about the woman that they love. Close-up of Larry with an “Aw, mierda” look on his pretty face.

Gaviota’s headed back to the dresser to pour another drink. The level in the decanter is noticeably lower. Caramelo is seated on the bed. She too suggests that maybe Fediota should ease up on the booze. All she gets for her concern is an itemized list of reasons why Gaviota’s drinking so much lately. This is followed by remorse for having filled Diana’s life with hatred and rancor.

Since Caramelo doesn’t have much to say, we head over to Intercoastal Five Star Rentals. Max is dressed again and on his way out when Sylvia comes in, accompanied by la Maestra de las Ciencias Ocultas. Silvia claims that the Occult One is a friend of the family. The great Estrella Cosmica is muy impactada by Our Hero. Her thoughts are definitely not on the astral plane as she watches him leave. While Silvia explains who Max is, Camila enters. Once again she disses la Maestra, who throws glitter in her face and utters dire warnings. Nevertheless, they’re going to make another attempt to ensnare Max.

Meanwhile, Gaviota’s rambling on in much the same vein as above. She fears she will never see Diana again. Commercial.

Back in the jungle, Our Heroine splashes around in the pool and screams for help while the other three argue about whether or not they should just leave her there. I vote for leaving her there. She’ll eventually figure out that it’s just a deep puddle.

Poolside at Villa Vengeance. Pilar and Gaby have the usual fight over Luscious Larry. Cut to Emilio’s, where Larry and Kique have a similar argument about Gaby, during the course of which Lunkhead declares that Little Doormat is his property, his wife. This line, as well as Diana’s insistence on chivalry from her captors, leads me to wonder if la gran Estrella Cosmica has been channeling Victorian sensation novelists like Wilkie Collins and M. E. Braddon on the writers’ behalf.

Speaking of La Maestra, she’s waving fists full of greenery over Camila, who is standing in a footbath wearing only panties, bra, and shower cap. She lets out short, artificial little screams while Sylvia dances around her, sprinkling her with a bottle of “pheromones”. Camila brings the proceedings to a halt with one long, loud screech. We are treated to a lame explanation by the Estrella Cosmica and assorted nonsense from Sylvia. The ritual and the screaming resume.

In the jungle – which seems oddly devoid of fauna – our friends have decided to save Diana after all. The girls want to rest, so Andrés goes off to look for a river. Marfil and Diana distance themselves from Ignacio. Our Blonde Fury tells Diana that they have to find a way to escape. Close-up of Our Heroine, dirty, disheveled, and frightened.

After commercial we return to the pool at Villa Vengeance. Little Doormat hasn’t succeeded in getting rid of Pilar. But have no fear, Nancy’s got her back. She has returned with Diego, who gets a little too excited by this opportunity to play the Big Man. He wheels over to Pilar and tells her to get lost, but he gets a little too close to Our Scheming Sex Kitten and into the pool she goes. Hilarity ensues.

Meanwhile, Kique and Larry are still arguing. They don’t come to blows or shout anything new before Luscious Larry throws him out, vowing that Kique isn’t going to take Gaby away from him.

Alone in the Jolly Green Dungeon, Caramelo answers the phone and what do you know, it’s Octavia. Without a perfume empire or her children’s lives to run, Lady O has a lot of spare time on her hands. She renews her threats to destroy Paco if Caramelo crosses her in any way. Caramelo calls her a bruja and hangs up.

Fediota is on the bed with her sorrows and her security decanter. She cries, drinks, and tells Diana to come back.

Meanwhile, Marfil tells Our Heroine that they should make a run for it the first chance they get. Diana is skeptical about their chances of survival without a couple of big, strong villains to protect them. Dr. Evil approaches with his gun drawn and tells them to shut up. Enter Andrés. He couldn’t find a river or anything else. Ignacio says the forgotten manicomio can’t be far. The March of Misery resumes.

We leave our friends to their search for lost insane asylums and potable water to check in with Luscious Larry. Like many of the other characters in this capítulo, he needs a drink, so he helps himself to Emilio’s best whiskey. Enter Max. He’s just here to pick up his clothes. Larry still doesn’t get why Max is shacking up with Camila. (Nor, for that matter, do I.) Our Hero asks for news of Diana. Still nada. Enter Debora, looking as if the catfight with Bruna had never taken place. She and Max quarrel briefly, then she tries to seduce him into staying. Until she gets a whiff of perfume on Max’s collar. She immediately recognizes it as Camila’s L'Essence de Scanque and this infuriates her. Close-up of Max, exasperated.

Back to Gaviota, still drowning her sorrows. The phone rings again. It’s Paco. He seems to know that she’s drunk, because he speaks very slowly. How does she feel? How does he think she feels? There’s still no news of Diana. Although Fediota has recovered her fortune, it hasn’t occurred to her to shell any of it out to hire P.I.s to investigate the recent activities of the most likely suspects, Octavia and Ignacio. To be fair, it should be noted that since Our Heroine disappeared, Gaviota’s put away enough scotch to decimate the 42nd Royal Highland Regiment. The conversation degenerates into “You betrayed me, you deceived me, you married my worst enemy, Octavia de Irazabal!” Close-up of Paco, impactado.

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