Caray, Caray!

We’re in Diana’s room in the convent in the middle of the jungle, probably a stone’s throw away from the manicomio. (They had to get Grillo from somewhere, after all.) Hermana Sol is at the bedside, pondering the mystery that is Our Heroine. Enter Madre Superior and Grillo. Diana regains consciousness. She remembers nothing. She has a headache. Grillo offers her an apple. Pobre Dianita.

Over at Casa Naco, Lala updates Pancholón: The outlook for Diana is bleak, but Diego stood up. Pancho manages to look impactado before Paola comes bouncing in, still flying high on wacky dust. Emilio swaggers in after her. He explains where he found her, blames Pancho for not looking out for her, and starts a shoving match, but Lala breaks it up. Peyote thinks it’s “super cool” to have two studmuffins fighting over a beauty like her. Pancho tells her to go to the bedroom, but Peyola wants to dance, have fun, go back to the beach, wheeee! Pancho is not pleased.

Larry arrives at Villa Vengeance. Nancy just happens to be on a break and Little Doormat just happens to answer the door. We get the Larry-Gaby theme song as Lunkhead tells her he came for news of Diana, and to offer his support. Close-up of Gaby, looking anxious.

Back in the convent in the middle of the jungle, Diana pesters Madrecita with questions the good nun can’t answer. Enter Hermana Sol with a tray. Mother Superior gives us a PSA about the benefits of fruit. It’s only been about ten minutes since Hermana Sol went for that bowl of nourishing selva fruit, but she asks if Diana remembers anything. She doesn’t. (Not that she had a good memory to begin with.) Mother Superior feeds her. Diana smiles and eats.

Up at the Villa, Gaby brings Larry up to speed: Still nada. Luscious Larry moves closer to tell Little Doormat that everything will turn out all right. Things are going well until Gaby mentions Max, Jr. Lunkhead takes this opportunity to ask who Little Maxi’s father really is. Gaby lies and suggests that he leave. Kique might stop by any minute with news of Our Heroine. That goes over about as well as the paternity question. Larry pulls her to him, trying to get her in an embrace, but he’s already blown it. Gaby sends him on his way. She is, as usual, conflicted.

Night falls. Team Gaviota is lined up in the living room, waiting anxiously. Enter Fedora, looking exhausted, and Max, with furrowed brow. Just to make sure we get it, the Orchestra of Doom plays the musical equivalent of “It was a dark and stormy night…” The wreckage has been located, the pilot found dead, but no trace of Our Heroine. If there were survivors, “they’ve been swallowed by the jungle.” There’s almost no chance that Diana’s alive. “It looks like…(gasp, sob)…Diana is dead.” Crescendo from the Orchestra of Doom. We get a “¡No puede ser!” close-up of Gaby, followed by close-ups of the rest of our friends in varying stages of dismay and disbelief. Commercial.

We return from commercial in time to hear Fediota repeat her prophecy of doom. Gaby refuses to accept that Diana is dead. Max points out that only the pilot is dead for sure. Gaviota starts to get hysterical thinking of all the dangers of the Nameless Jungle that she’s heard so much about: Wild animals, quicksand, etc. Hold on. Was that supposed to be quicksand that Diana fell into last Wednesday? If so, that would make an excellent end for Dr. Evil if cannibals or lunatics don’t get to him first. But back to TeleMiami. After some ping-ponging between hope and extreme pessimism, both Grannies lose it and Max takes Doña Santa upstairs.

At Our Lady of the Selva sin Nombre, Diana continues to wonder. Madrecita continues to answer by way of platitudes and PSA’s. After the nun blesses her and leaves, Diana thought-bubbles more of the same questions.

Cut to Gaviota, holding Max Jr. Cue piano music. She tells him that she should have been the one to die, she was the one full of hatred and vengeance, etc. Enter Granny M to urge her not to give up hope. But just in case Diana really is dead, God forbid, maybe it’s time to tell Gaby that Fediota’s her real mother. No. In fact, Gaviota decides to make a vow to keep the truth a secret until Diana returns. Max Jr. sleeps peacefully through all the pleading and sobbing and vowing.

The piano music takes us into the next scene. Max is bummed out. He tells Granny Santa that life is unfair, he’s being punished by God. No, says Granny S, God isn’t punishing him. (Judging by the white loafer / white sock combination, I’d say Wardrobe is.) More blather about the Irascibles reaping all the evil that they’ve sown. Max puts his head in Granny’s lap and they have a good cry. Granny tries unsuccessfully to bolster his spirits but Max ends the conversation with “No quiero vivir” and the tears flow on.

At Dr. Evil’s Lair, Emilio drops by expecting to meet Our Hero and gets Camila and Silvia instead. Camila’s “invisible” plastic bra-straps are plainly visible under the baby-blue ruched tube top with the off-the-shoulder sleeves. Emilio doesn’t stay long. Little Sister makes him angry by blithely stating that Max will forget Diana and love her only when that nurse is six feet under. After he leaves, Sylvia wonders what they could have said. I wonder what made her think the skull-and-crossbones headband was cute. Our cunning vixens mockingly declare themselves little angels and high five each other.

Max is coming down the stairs of the Villa. Diego sits morosely by the couch. The Orchestra of Doom treats us to a soulful rendition of the Anguish Concerto as Diego says, “We lost her, Irazabal. We both lost her.” Max tries to remember if he has a line. Diego looks defeated. Max decides that he doesn’t have a line but should probably come up with a facial expression anyway. Commercial.

Over at Emilio’s, the remainder of the Irascible clan is assembled on the couch. Emilio stands behind them while Debora, clad in another ensemble from the Dominatrix Barbie collection, sits off to the side. While Max and the gang rehash about the rescue expedition, Debora listens and plays with her hair. Our Hero gets emotional and that’s when Our Little Blonde Weasel decides to join in. She takes a potshot at Max; he, Emilio, Yolanda, and Larry all turn on her as one. Larry advises her to keep quiet. Max refuses Yolanda’s invitation to stay and Debora berates him for preferring to sleep with that “bean taco” Camila. He tells her to think what she wants and leaves. Faux Marfil gets pissy with everyone for staring at her and stalks off to her room. Once inside, she begins counting her chickens. She’s immensely tickled by the idea that nobody survived the crash. Except for Bruna, all the obstacles in her path have been removed.

Intercoastal Five Star Rentals. A filler scene in which Max rehashes Rescue Mission, Day One, and Camila pretends to care.

Cut to Our Heroine, dreaming of the crash. The plane is going down and she’s trying to wake Marfil. She wakes up in a cold sweat. What can it all mean?

Back to Dr. Evil’s Lair. More filler. Silvia is trying to tell Camila that she has the Maestra de las Ciencias Ocultas to thank for Diana’s disappearance. Camila maintains her healthy skepticism.

It’s a fine morning at Our Lady of the Selva sin Nombre. Diana is up, taking her first tentative steps with the help of Hermana Sol, and Grillo for an adoring public. The conversation is as witless as it is brief. Mother Superior comes in to beam. Diana thanks them all and flirtatiously kisses Grillo on the forehead, which excites the poor lad so much he has to leave the room. Diana asks to see Andrés.

At Villa Vengeance, Gaby’s on the phone with Max. He’s called to tell her there is no news. This takes them a while, giving us time to note that Gaby’s been raiding Octavia’s closet again. Anyway, Little Doormat hangs up and the doorbell rings. It’s Pilar, back like an allergic rash and every bit as welcome. She’s flaunting considerably less décolletage than Gaby, but her miniskirt rivals Caramelo’s. They have the usual argument over Luscious Larry, only this time Gaby says Pilar can have him, just quit coming over. She’s had it with Pilar and her warnings, and if she doesn’t leave, Little Doormat will throw her out. Exit Pilar in a huff. Chalk one up for Gaby, even if it was misguided to the point of stupid.

Cut to Andrés, asleep in a room much like Diana’s. Enter Diana and Mother Superior, who informs Our Heroine that he’s asleep. Evidently la Madre Elegida is under the impression that Diana’s amnesia is so complete that she does not recognize sleep. Clash of cymbals from the Orchestra of Doom. Diana and Madrecita contemplate Our Villain’s heaving pectorals in silent awe. Commercial.

Back to the Mansion, where Diego and Granny S are hanging out in the backyard. Doña Santa is a little confused today and tortures him with rosy fantasies of Max and Dianita’s big wedding, and their great love for each other. Fortunately Max already divorced that wicked Marfil…Granny prattles happily on in this vein, right down to humming The Wedding March. You have to give Diego credit for holding his tongue through all of this.

Time to see how the lovebirds at Casa Naco are doing. Pancho’s on his way to the Mansion to “support Diego.” Paola’s looking contrite in a clingy, belly-baring v-neck and her entry in the denim micromini competition. She and Pancho have the requisite conversation about Diana. Then Pancholón tells her they need to talk later about her drug use. As soon as the door closes behind him, Paola runs over to the phone and calls René, who’s doing push-ups on the beach. She asks him to score for her, but he’s worried about her escalating drug use. He’s afraid she’s going to wind up an addict. (I think she’s already there, pal.) Paola claims she can stop any time she wants to and hangs up.

Back at the Villa, we get a filler scene during which Diego sits in his wheelchair, unable to disguise his boredom, while Granny S confesses to a crush on Clark Gable and wishes that Larry would tie the knot with Gaby instead of that tiresome Pilar. She heads back to the Mansion to find a novio for Paola, a doctor or a judge. She waves goodbye in her most endearingly senile manner. Diego philosophizes that Granny Santa’s better off in her dream world.

We return to the convent in the middle of the jungle. Diana does not recognize Andrés. Madrecita decides to leave Our Heroine alone with him. Diana sits on the edge of the bed to get a closer look. Naturally he wakes up. He promises not to hurt her, he’s glad that she helped him, etc. Diana looks at him as if he were speaking Albanian. She asks who he is. He gives her a quizzical look. “Don’t you remember me?” Commercial.

After commercial, Andrés informs Our Heroine that he’s alive thanks to her and for that he’s eternally grateful, and by the way, it would be swell if she didn’t press charges. “For what?” “Uh, nothing. So you really don’t remember?” The conversation limps along until she asks his name. Andrés thinks about this and comes up with “Billy.” That doesn’t sound right, not even to Diana. She tells him he scares her and bails. “Billy” tells us that he’s safe as long as she remembers nothing.

At Emilio’s, Debora’s lying on the bed with an inflight magazine, but she’s really trying to decide between the hot little designer number she saw in Vogue and a 9mm Glock semiautomatic to replace the one Isabel wrestled away from her. Dr. Evil calls from a hospital bed. Debora is not happy to hear that he’s alive. Close-up of Our Little Blonde Weasel, impactada.

Time to check in at Our Lady of the Selva sin Nombre. Diana is pacing her room. Enter Grillo. He’s brought her a present: A baby bunny with green eyes, just like Diana’s. Her name is Luna. Our Heroine is encantada for a moment, then plunges into self-pity. Cue piano music. What if she never recovers her memory? She may never leave the selva, etc.

Over at Villa Vengeance, we get a filler scene of Little Doormat telling Granny M that Max is in the jungle looking for Diana. Granny M weeps, looking quite smart in her lilac jacket and maroon dress.

Back at the convent, Diana (still clutching Luna) has given up all hope and asks Mother Superior if she can stay at the convent. Speaking very slowly, Madrecita explains that the convent is full up. She doesn’t have any job openings. Diana has to find out if she has family, people who are looking for her, etc. What did Andrés/Billy have to say? The piano tinkles ominously in the background. He didn’t give her any details. Diana doesn’t remember Billy, but she’s afraid of him. Enter Hermana Sol to announce that Mother Superior has a visitor. Madrecita says they’ll continue their conversation later. Our Heroine holds Luna to her cheek and sighs.

Mother Superior’s office. We get a close-up of Madrecita asking “Who are you? How can I help you?” And there, standing before a shrine with a statue of the Virgen de la Selva sin Nombre, is Our Hero. He turns towards Mother Superior, half in shadow and half illuminated by the Virgin’s shrine.

Ponder symbolism and roll credits.

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