Caray, Caray!

We begin our day’s adventures in TeleMiami with a replay of the Bruna-Diana confrontation. Our Heroine is in fiera mode and proves that she can pinch every bit as hard as Our Virile Villainess. Octavia slithers in. The dueña of Paco’s Blue Heaven has come down in the world: She may have a “lady’s companion” but she’s reduced to making halter tops out of upholstery remnants. Diana has come to tell her that they’re equals, along with the usual “You’ll pay for your crimes.” Bruna interjects, but as far as domestics are concerned, Diana checked her egalitarian beliefs at the door. Maids, she says loftily, have no right to butt in on the conversations of their betters. Her delivery is almost as stilted as a high school sophomore attempting Oscar Wilde. More arguing until Octavia calls Max. Jr. a bastard, at which point Our Heroine gives her a head-rattling slap. Lady O needs to wash her mouth before talking about Mini Max. Close-up of Diana la Fiera.

Meanwhile, Dr. Evil is resting quietly in his room at TeleMiami General. The door opens slowly; we see a cane and two legs in ragged denim. The camera pans up to reveal our old friend Andrés, thug-of-all-trades. He looks down at Ignacio, then grabs a pillow and begins to smother him. “Die, maldito, die!” I find myself cheering for Andrés while Dr. Evil flops around like a mackerel.

Back at Paco’s, Bruna holds Octavia protectively. Her Ladyship is impactada. She presses a hand to her injured cheek. Diana promises more of the same if Octavia insults Max Jr. again. During this exchange Bruna maneuvers between them, ready to intercept any slaps or pinches, but the ladies only scream at each other until Paco enters. He falls for Lady O’s rather grotesque imitation of a Distressed Ingénue. Bruna gets her two centavos in, calling Diana loca. This provokes a heated denial from Our Heroine. She’s not crazy, she’s full of hate because Octavia and Bruna are vermin. Paco takes offense at this, but Diana’s on a roll. She tells him that marrying “that viper” was the worst mistake of his life. Octavia is warned that if she continues messing with Gaviota, she’ll find out what the new Diana Soriano is capable of. Lady Di grabs her handbag and exits. Paco wants to know what’s going on. Lady O keeps up the charade of innocence wronged and is rewarded with a consoling embrace. Close-up of Octavia over Paco’s shoulder. She looks rather nauseous and her eyes move from side to side to indicate that she feels acorralada.

We go now to Dr. Evil’s Lair, where Camila’s rockin’ that Carnaby Street Swinger look again, this time in shades of red. Enter Max. He’s a happy camper. He found a job. As Camila sashays over to the bar to pour some drinks, Max adds that he’s going to be a consultant for Gaviota’s rival. Our Carnaby Street Sex Kitten is impactada for no apparent reason.

Meanwhile, Andrés continues to smother Dr. Evil. “Die, you damned dog!” Ignacio finally struggles free and threatens to tell the other doctors on him if he doesn’t leave. A rehash of their jungle adventures leads to mutual recriminations. Andrés digs the end of his cane into Ignacio’s throat, vowing to make him pay. He demands to know what Iggy did with “Debora”. “She fell and drowned.” Well, it’s partially true. She had plenty of help, but Dr. Evil’s feeling modest and leaves out a few details. Besides, what does Andrés care? He hated his wife. Andrés is not satisfecho with that. Did Ignacio push her or not?

Over at the perfume factory, Diana has gone from Fiera to Sra. Presidenta. Like most of Fediota’s staffing decisions, this makes one question how she ever managed to become a perfume tycoon in the first place. En fin, Emilio informs Diana that the company is teetering on the edge of ruin, they’ve lost millions, they need to act fast. Our Heroine is unfazed by her complete lack of experience in business and finance. Together they will save the fábrica from ruin.

Back at TeleMiami General, Dr. Evil clutches his throat, gasping as he insists that “Debora’s” demise was just an accident. Andrés doesn’t believe him. He jabs the end of his cane into Iggy’s neck again, snarling that he was the one to mete out Debora’s punishment. Dr. Evil wheezes that their big problem right now is Diana. She’s back. Andrés brings him up to speed on Diana’s partial amnesia. Again we are reminded that as long as Diana’s memory fails her, they’re safe.

And speaking of Our Heroine, she wants Emilio to call a staff meeting to announce her new position. Then they’ll all work really hard and save the perfume factory.

Meanwhile, Debora is on the couch at Emilio’s, enjoying a cup of coffee. Yolanda is on her way out. Our Little Blonde Weasel asks where she’s headed. Big Doormat fills her in on Gaviota’s attempted suicide. Debora, predictably enough, reacts with contempt. She asks why Yolanda’s going to visit the family’s worst enemy. “I have my reasons,” is the guarded response. Yolanda turns to leave when Debora asks about Our Heroine – does anyone know who kidnapped her? No, Diana has blocked out the whole experience. Yolanda finds all this interest suspect, but she’s in a hurry, so she leaves without asking any questions of her own. In case we weren’t paying attention five minutes ago, Debora gets a close-up to tell us Diana’s memory loss means that everyone involved in the kidnapping can breathe easily.

At Villa Vengeance, Diana tells Gaby, Lala, and Nancy that la fábrica’s a sinking ship, but she plans to take the helm and bring it safely to shore.

Cut to TeleMiami General. Yolanda is with Fediota. The String Quartet of Doom plays menacingly in the background as Big Doormat asks Gaviota’s forgiveness. Dueling close-ups. Commercial.

When we return, Yolanda is still begging forgiveness. She blames Octavia’s domineering personality and her own weakness. We get a piano moment as Yolanda vividly describes being just a puppet, with Lady Octopus pulling the strings. “Took you long enough to figure that out,” Gaviota replies before launching the usual diatribe. Yolanda gets on her knees and begs forgiveness again.

Up at the Villa, Granny M has joined the group and calls on God to bless Diana’s undertaking. The others chime in with encouragement and offers of support. Our Heroine asks where Diego is. She needs to tell him, too.

And speak of the devil, here he is on the patio. Wardrobe must be pinching pennies. Camila, Octavia, and Paola have all worn something a second time, and now Diego is wearing the same tacky white loafers we’ve seen on the Brothers Irazabal. Anyway, he grabs hold of a pillar and pulls himself out of the wheelchair. He stands. Grunting and panting, he takes a couple of tiny steps, then pumps his fist in triumph. He can walk. go diego rah

Back at TeleMiami General, Gaviota refuses to forgive Yolanda and tells us yet again why. She gets so worked up that she’s practically screaming by the time we get a close-up of Yolanda, still on her knees, sobbing and pleading.

Over at Paco’s, Lady Octopus is ranting and raving at Bruna, who stands, as usual, with her head slightly bowed and hands folded before her. After Her Ladyship recovers her composure, the pair of them rip on Diana. Bruna works herself up to a near-frenzy. Octavia, on the other hand, has settled into Queen Cobra mode. “It was an evil hour when Max fell in love with that woman,” she intones. She slowly turns her head. She blinks.

And back to Gaviota’s room. “What do I stand to gain by believing you?” she asks. Another rehash of the Alarcón sisters’ crimes against Fediota. She ends by telling Yolanda to ask for God’s forgiveness and get out. Big Doormat sinks to her knees again as the Orchestra of Doom plays on. She begs and pleads while Gaviota stares back, shaking her head ever so slightly.

Meanwhile, Diego tells us that he just needs to strengthen his legs and he’ll be the same man as before. This is not encouraging news. Commercial.

We return to the parlor at Villa Vengeance, where Granny M is now having doubts that Our Heroine will really be able to save the perfume factory. I can’t say I blame her. She doesn’t want to leave the mansion and go back to being poor. Again, I’m right there with her. But the business world is a man’s world. And that’s where Granny Miguelina lost me. Diana also begs to differ. If Octavia can do it, so can she. She can be just as mean and evil, etc. Granny M listens to this nonsense for a bit, then says she’s heard enough. She wants to change the subject.

Gaviota’s room. Yolanda is still trying to wear her down, but the only person Fediota wants to see begging forgiveness on her knees is Lady O. Not a chance, Yolanda sobs, her sister has no conscience, no feelings, Gaviota doesn’t know what she’s capable of. “Like killing the lawyer Reynosa?” Yolanda’s denial is unconvincing. She stands up. Fediota suggests that Yolanda show how sorry she is by ratting Octopus out. Tearful protestations. “I was my sister’s puppet, blah, blah, blah.”

Granny M’s idea of changing the subject is to lecture Diana about the long hours she’ll have to work, the problems this will cause with Diego. Our Heroine replies that she will always have problems with Diego. “You never loved him as a man,” says Granny. Cue the Melancholy Wind Ensemble. After some contradictory statements on both sides, they agree that it was a big mistake to marry Diego. But Diana will never leave him while he’s disabled. “An if he gets well and manages to walk again?” Cue ominous piano music. She’ll ask for a divorce so he’ll be free to find someone who will love him.

Cut to Diego rolling away from the window or door where he was eavesdropping on the above conversation. “So Diana wants me to get well in order to divorce me? Well, I won’t give her that satisfaction.” Here Diego gives us a rare glimpse of his impish sense of humor. To prevent Diana from divorcing him for Max, he will keep his recovery a secret and stay in the wheelchair for the rest of his days. That Diego. What a cutup. We should start calling him “Chuckles” or something.

Hospital. Gav’s room again. This is working my last nerve. Yolanda has been at it for five scenes now, and her tenacity stopped being admirable two scenes back. She drops to her knees again and vows not to leave until Gaviota has forgiven her. I never thought I would write these words, but thank God for Gaby’s entrance. I think she raided the Marfil-Debora closet this morning. She’s wearing a low-cut, mint-green camisole that shows a surprising amount of cleavage. She asks what’s going on. Yolanda tells her. Little Doormat counsels forgiveness.

In another part of the hospital, Debora traipses gaily into Ignacio’s room. Her purse is larger than her black leather skirt – maybe she’s carrying a bull whip along with all her Maybelline products. She tosses the bag onto the foot of the bed, strikes a nonchalant pose, and tells Dr. Evil they’re in luck. Diana has amnesia, yap-yap-yap-yap-yap in that annoying singsong voice. They share a laugh. Ignacio then says Andrés gave him the news when said accomplice came by earlier to kill him. Debora’s cheery mood evaporates. She is so impactada that she has to turn away from the bed. “Andrés came back from the selva?” She doesn’t like this at all. Her reaction arouses Dr. Evil’s suspicions. He begins to speculate on her behavior, on “Debora’s” insistence that she was Marfil, etc. Our Little Blonde Weasel does a poor job of denying that she’s really Debora. Ignacio seizes her wrist, pulls her close, and demands that she tell him who she really is. Close-up of Debora, looking guilty. Close-up of Dr. Evil, with his fiera glare. Close-up of Debora, in a quandary. Commercial.

Back to Gaviota’s room. The sappy piano and violin duet tells us that Gaby has prevailed. Fediota tells Yolanda that she is forgiven. But not without another rehash and a lengthy warning. Exit Yolanda, off to church to ask God’s forgiveness.

At Villa Vengeance, we hear Diana’s thoughts and high-heeled shoes as she approaches Diego. She hopes he’ll give her a divorce and be able to find happiness. I hope I’ll get a seven-figure trust fund for my birthday. We’re both in for a disappointment. En fin, Diana Soriano, Rookie Presidenta, is off to save the perfume factory. With Our Heroine supplying the optimism and Emilio doing the actual work, she knows it can be done. She wants Diego to help her, but he refuses. He won’t give anyone an opportunity to mock the cripple. (Too late for that, pal.) Points to Diana for being exasperated by this old dirge. She tells him he needs to find something constructive to do, so he doesn’t become full of bitterness. (Just what does she think he’s full of right now?) Exit Diana. Once again Diego vows not to divorce her. Commercial.

At Dr. Evil’s Lair, Max and Camila are celebrating. During the course of this rather dull scene we learn that Max plans to take advantage of Gaviota, Inc.’s financial weakness to make his new employer número uno in the fragrance industry. Camila manages to bring up Our Heroine and dis her. Our Hero gets angry, which turns Camila on. While she kisses him with the calculated abandon of a porn star, Max resists half-heartedly.

And now for something completely different. Well, kind of. We’re at the studio, where our aspiring James Dean enters his dressing room. He’s closely followed by René, who’s babbling and gesticulating. While René gabs, Luscious Larry treats us to the sight of his washboard abs as he strips off his jacket and shirt. Eventually René notices that he’s doing all the talking. “What’s up, guey?” (The closed caption actually reads “buey,” or ox, which also works for our boy Larry.) Lunkhead tells the dreary tale of his last encounter with Pilar. René’s eyes widen; his jaw drops; he claps one hand to his forehead and the other to the crown of his head; he drops wide-eyed and open-mouthed into a chair. I think he’s trying to tell us that he is muy impactado.

Back to Intracoastal Five-Star Rentals. Max has managed to pry Camila loose and sternly give her the “just friends” speech. She reprises “I Needs a Little Sugar in My Bowl.” Max offers no visible resistance this time around.

At the fábrica, Sra. Presidenta Diana is being introduced to her team. What follows could be a scene from an MGM musical circa 1940, along the lines of:
Emilio: “We just can’t let those old meanies at the bank foreclose on Widow Jenkins’ farm!”
The gang throws out ideas.
Diana: “I know, kids! Let’s put on a show! We’ll have music and costumes and lights and everything!”
Emilio: “Aw, gee, Diana, you’re swell!”
After which one of the gang points out that the success or failure of their venture depends on Our Heroine. Diana realizes that this is not “Babes in Arms”. Her smile fades and she looks down, thinking, “Damn. You’re right. That sucks.”

Roll credits

Labels: acorralada