Caray, Caray!

Welcome back to Our Lady of La Selva sin Nombre, where Mother Superior, Hermana Sol, and Grillo are in Diana’s old room. Sister Sunshine explains to the occupant of the bed that they are in a convent in the middle of the jungle. In her “Once upon time…” voice, la Madre Elegida says they need to know her name, what she was doing all by herself in the middle of the dreaded Selva sin Nombre, etc. She concludes with, “You are safe now, all is well,” and smiles beatifically. We catch a glimpse of blonde hair at the edge of the frame, followed by a close-up of a female hand. This must be Marfil. Kudos to the manicurist: Marfil hasn’t been to the salon in weeks. She’s had multiple scuffles with her captors, survived a plane crash, trekked through the jungle, and she hasn’t broken a nail or even chipped the polish.

We move on to Perfumes R Us. Señora Presidenta Diana is typing away when Emilio enters to say that Max is outside and wants to see her. Before Emilio can make it out the door with Our Heroine’s trumped-up excuse, Max bursts in. Exit Emilio. Our Star-Crossed Lovers bicker over his paternal rights and this turns into the same old “You didn’t believe me” / “I said I was sorry” argument. She tries to throw him out as the Orchestra of Doom tells us that someone’s about to be impactado. Max tries to reason with Our Heroine. Why can’t they deal with their problems in a civilized manner? Why do they have to fight like cat and dog every time they see each other? These questions are too weighty for Diana’s little brain to handle all at once. Close-up of Our Heroine, clueless.

Over at Paco’s, Bruna and Lady Octopus are gloating over the Botoxed One’s visit to Gaviota. Lady O must have been having a wardrobe dilemma this morning; torn between a slinky cocktail dress and her beloved polyester slacks, she decided to wear both. While it’s not the most horrendous look I’ve ever seen (I worked in the rag trade for six years), it has the unfortunate effect of thickening her waist and widening her hips. But I digress. Octavia congratulates herself on driving Gaviota to attempt suicide. Bruna smiles and chuckles wickedly to signal her approval.

At TeleMiami General, Gaviota’s jonesing for a drink. Fortunately, she’s got that bottle of scotch tucked under the blanket. Unfortunately, Little Doormat pops in before she can even get the cap off. Good news: Fediota can go home tomorrow. Apparently the hospital staff hasn’t noticed anything odd about the pallor, the shakes, the whiskey on her breath. Oh, that’s right. Half the médicos in the hospital are on suspension pending trial for drug theft. Poor Dr. Quintana to attend to all the patients by himself. En fin, the String Quartet of Doom plays the Melancholy Samba. “I will fight for your happiness, blah, blah, blah.” Rehash of Gaviota’s bright hopes and rosy dreams before Paco’s ill-fated trip to Key West. Gaby’s heard all this many times over but is deeply moved nonetheless.

At Casa Naco, Pancho is berating Paola, who sits dolefully on the couch with the Glycerine Tear of True Dolor trickling down her cheek. He tells her she’s destroying herself. She replies that he’s destroying her. She’s using again because he’s done nothing about divorcing that cheap redhead Caramelo. Pancholón sticks to his point: Peyola was getting high before they got together. She does a fair amount of wailing to the tune of “You lied to me from the start.” He tells her to stop crying. He doesn’t like to see women cry. He’s a “macho muy macho,” the most macho guy in the barrio, and that’s why he has two wives. Which doesn’t excuse Paola going out and getting wasted. Pancho has missed his calling. He should be a pimp. In fact, he ought to go into business with Bruna. She would make an excellent brothel-keeper, with her black-ringed eyes and demonic laughter, gleefully pinching his lingerie-clad stable into submission.

We head over to Emilio’s to find Yolanda and René worrying about Paola, accompanied by the Piano of Doom. They say nothing new about Peyote’s dilemma until René suggests that they ask Octavia to intervene. Yolanda takes a deep breath. There’s a preamble to give the Orchestra of Doom some time to join the piano, but it’s not long before they build to a crescendo. Big Doormat tells René that Lady Octopus has rejected Paola for being illegitimate. And then Our Comic Studmuffin does the unthinkable: He is impactado, just plain old impactado, without the seventh-grade class clown faces and gestures.

Back to the lovebirds. Pancho tells his fierita that she’d better cut out the drugs or… Paola finishes the sentence for him: “Or you’ll leave me?” Hysterics ensue, but they’re mercifully short-lived. Maudlin violin music as Pancho tells her to stop crying, he loves her, etc. Then we get the more familiar String Quartet of Doom sawing away ominously as he goes on to say that he loves both of his wives, in his way. Things would be easier if she and Caramelo just accepted the situation. More blather about the needs of machos muy machos until Paola slaps him and runs to the bedroom. Señor Macho Machísimo is not pleased. The little woman has a lesson to learn.

Back in Diana’s office, Max is still trying vainly to talk some sense into Our Heroine. She’s bored by it all and just wants him to leave. He may have a light workload today, but Diana has a fábrica to save. Our Hero gets the “New Diana” speech and shakes his head in disbelief. It’s a bad sign when not even Max is dumb enough to buy this crap. The speech finally winds down. She has a meeting in ten minutes. He refuses to leave so Diana gets up to go. As she turns towards the door I can see exactly why her little gray skirt looks trashy. The slit is lined up with her rear cleavage and starts just under the buttock. That is not cute. En fin, Max jumps up and prevents her from opening the door. He threatens legal action. She tells him to leave, which he does. Close-up of Diana, rolling her eyes heavenward as she lets out a sigh. Commercial.

We come back from commercial to Casa Naco. Paola is stretched out on the bed, crying. Enter Pancho. He loved her from the start. But she needs to stop crying or she’ll look ugly and he won’t love her any more. (Yes, he really said that.) She begs him not to leave her, she loves him and can’t live without him. He can’t live without her either. As they hug, he thought-bubbles that he can’t live without Caramelo, either. They have make up sex.

Time to see what’s shakin’ at Dr. Evil’s Lair. He’s on the couch, in his bathrobe and slippers. I’ve missed a couple of episodes and am relieved to see that Camila has returned the costume she borrowed from Rebelde. I’m especially glad that she has also shelved the fedora. Now I can stop expecting her to suddenly do a Bob Fosse number, complete with “jazz hands.” Silva is there, doing a rather tawdry impersonation of Cher in “Moonstruck.” She tries to join in the scheming, but her lovely cousin shuts her up with verbal threats and Bruna-like pinches. Camila asks Ignacio if he knows a good lawyer. She wants one for Max, so he can get custody of Mini Max. A custody battle will widen the rift between Max and Diana; they will hate each other forever, etc., etc., etc. Ignacio likes this idea. He and Camila toast the success of their new enterprise while Silvia perches on the arm of the sofa, ruefully massaging her bruised shoulder.

We check in on Gaviota. She still can’t get her drink on because Diana has joined them. She tells Fediota about the heroic efforts that she and Emilio are making to save Perfumes R Us. After an awkward silence and some prompting on Gaviota’s part, Diana brings up the pending custody battle. Fedora heaves a sigh. Damn. Now she really needs that drink. Diana wants Gaviota to represent her in court. Gav admits to feeling less than enthusiastic about it, but she agrees. In a weary voice almost drowned out by the Orchestra of Doom, she vows that Max will never take Diana’s child away.

Aw, man, we’re going back to Casa Naco. I’m sick of these two. Pancho is asleep. Paola is at the dresser, brushing the ends of her hair. The doorbell rings. Wondering who it could be at this hour, she goes to answer. Gratuitous close-up of Señor Macho and the man-boobs that drive women wild. And speaking of wild women, guess who’s at the door? That’s right, girls and boys, Caramelo’s come over to play. Paola reacts with a “Good God, not you again!” while Caramelo stands with hand on hip and head slightly tilted. “That’s right, skank, it’s me again.” She swaggers into the living room. She just came by to remind Peyola that Caramelo de Cianuro is Pancholón’s real wife. These encounters would be more entertaining if at least one of the ladies packed heat. If it ever comes to a gunfight, my money’s on Caramelo. Paola would probably get nervous or high and put a bullet through one of her Manolo Blahniks instead of Our Good Sex Kitten. Anyway, it’s the usual “Pancho’s mine!” “No, he’s mine!” until Caramelo goes for Paola’s throat. Enter Lala. She breaks it up and threatens to throw them out. She gives them the “Pancho’s a dirtbag, have some self-respect” lecture.

Over at TeleMiami General, Gaviota’s alone and looking a little more relaxed. Apparently she managed to knock back a couple of stiff ones after the Hermanas Soriano finally left. That’s good, because Max enters the room. Fediota doesn’t waste much time informing him that she is once again Diana’s legal counsel. Our Hero counters by saying that he’ll throw TeleMiami’s best lawyer into the ring with her. Gaviota just wants him out of her daughter’s life. “Never!” Max thunders. They will never keep him away from his child. Exit Max. Close-up of Gaviota, troubled. Commercial.

At Casa Naco, Lala is still going on about dignity and self-respect. It’s waste of breath. More “Pancho’s mine!” “No, he’s mine!” Another intervention. After Caramelo apologizes to Lala and exits, Lala asks where Pancho is. “He’s sleeping.” That’s the last straw. Cut to the bedroom. Enter Lala with a large bucket of water. She pours the water on Pancholón. What is it with older ladies dousing troublesome youngsters on this show? It doesn’t improve their behavior.
We now find ourselves at the Convent in the Middle of the Jungle. Hermana Sol is saying good-night to their not-so-mysterious guest. She turns out the light and leaves.
Back to Casa Naco. Pancho enters the living room, wrapped in a sheet. Our Sleazeball Studmuffin wants to know why Lala drenched him like that. The bed’s going to get moldy; what did he do now? Paola sulks as Lala rehashes the War of the Wives. She tells her son that she can’t have these escándalos in her house every day. If he doesn’t make a decision, Lala will kick him out. Not likely. She’s an enabler. For all the shame and heartache Pancho has caused her, similar threats only result in Vieja continuing to support, feed, and clean up after him. Exit Lala, probably to change the sodden bedding.

In her office at the convent, Mother Superior lights a candle and crosses herself. There’s a knock at the door and Hermana Sol enters. La Madre Elegida remarks how strange it is that Marfil hasn’t said a word since her rescue. Sor Hermana agrees. They don’t even know what to call her other than “the woman they found in the jungle,” a slightly more convenient monicker than “the woman they found half-strangled and left for dead in the river in the middle of the jungle without a name.” Bueno, they wonder who she is and how she got there, making no connection between Marfil and the recent plane crash.

Casa Naco again. Paola says he doesn’t love her. He claims he just proved it by the hot make up sex they had. Yes, but she left everything for him, and he won’t leave Caramelo. The “Soy un macho” speech again. His fierita can’t handle the full force of his super-lovin’ all by herself. She might spontaneously combust, like the eponymous heroine of “Semele” after seeing her lover Zeus in all his divine glory. Paola calls him a few names, says he doesn’t love her, and runs out. Cue festive music for a close-up of Pancho. Again he reflects that he should have been born in a muslim country where every varón is the master of an adoring, harmonious harem. Yeah, right.

At Villa Vengeance, Gaviota and Our Heroine are strolling around the patio. Gaviota, looking very 80’s in her oversized, belted red shirt and black leggings, is glad to be home, surrounded by her loved ones: Diana, Gaby, Mini Max, Johnny Walker…Mother and daughter then discuss the custody battle. Fediota lets her know that Max will probably win visitation rights. Diana is impactada. Commercial.

Diego is in the back yard of Villa Vengeance. He is joined by Pancholón. He tells Big Bro his secret: He can stand up and take a few steps by himself. They high-five each other. Diego then asks his brother for a massage. Pancho immediately balks. His Machismo is too strong for one woman alone to handle, yet it will go out like a match if he lays hands on another man. Oookaaay. Diego has to tell him that it’s not kind of massage that high-ranking politicians and evangelical leaders get. It’s just to strengthen his leg muscles. He goes on to explain why they have to keep this a secret from everyone. Pancho tells Diego to forget about Diana. Diego vows that Max and Diana will never be happy if he can help it. He plans to remain an obstacle on their road to happiness.

Cut to Pilar and Sandy at the mall. Our Scheming Sex Kitten is in the mood to shop for maternity wear. Then Pilar spies Gaby, window-shopping in a tomato-red mini dress. Before Sandy has time to be impactada, Pilar bounds over to confront her rival. What’s Gaby doing here? This is a mall for rich people. They snipe at each other regarding Little Doormat’s social status and then start bickering about Larry. Gaby is as tired of this crap as I am and tries to walk away. Pilar follows her and manages to stop her at the top of the escalator. While Sandy shouts “¡No seas naca!” Pilar tries to provoke a shoving match with Little Doormat. Slo-mo montage: Close-up of Pilar stepping back onto the escalator. Close-up of Pilar screaming. Close-up of Sandy screaming while she and Gaby watch Our Evil Sex Kitten fall. Pilar lets out a little scream every bump of the way. When she hits the mezzanine, she rolls over into an unconscious heap. Back in real time, Sandy runs down the escalator, shrieking her name. We leave her to revive Pilar with the shake-and-shout maneuver while Gaby looks down on the scene in horror.

There’s a visitor at Emilio’s. Debora answers the door. Enter Diana, who sweeps in as if she owns the whole building. She wants to talk to Max. Our Hero isn’t there. Junior high-type insults are exchanged. Exit Diana. Close-up of Debora looking seriously miffed, then anxious.

Gaby’s pacing the corridor at TeleMiami General. Granny M’s old red couch has been moved out of Pancho’s room and parked against the wall. Enter Larry. He came as soon as he got the call from Sandy. He asks after Gaviota. Little Doormat gives him the happy news. Enter Sandy. Thank God Lunkhead’s here, Pilar has done nothing but call for him. She lost the baby. Que sorpresa. Gaby gets a bad case of the dry heaves as Larry and Sandy hurry down the hall. Close-up of Gaby, still heaving.

Cut to Pilar’s room. She looks remarkably hale and hearty for someone who just miscarried an hour ago. She fumes about Little Doormat. As Larry and Sandy enter, I notice that Granny M’s old red couch somehow made it down the hall and into Pilar’s room before they did. En fin, Pilar tearfully claims that Gaby deliberately pushed her down the escalator. Larry is impactado. Commercial.

We come back from commercial to Emilio’s. Debora is on the couch, leafing through a magazine. Max is on his way out. With his pale yellow shirt, dark vest and slacks, he looks like he’s going to tend bar somewhere. Debora casually mentions that Diana stopped by. That stops Our Hero in his tracks. She then accuses Max and Diana of using the custody battle as a smokescreen for their torrid affair. Max tells her to mind her own business. Debora goes into Chihuahua-on-crack mode, driving Max out of the apartment. Close-up of Debora

We go from one shrew to the other with a close-up of Pilar, complete with GTTD, as she repeats her accusations against Little Doormat. In fact, she’s going to file charges. And Larry has to hate Little Doormat, too, blah, blah, blah. Sandy tells her to calm down and suggests that Lunkhead have a chat with Dr. Quintana. As soon as he’s out the door, Sandy urges Pilar to stop telling so many lies. Gaby didn’t try to push her down the escalator. It was the other way around. It isn’t right, etc., etc. Pilar, however, is in Fiera mode. She grabs Sandy’s wrist and snarls that as her friend, Sandy has to support her in everything.

Cut to Larry, hurrying down the corridor. Gaby stops him to ask how Pilar is. Lunkhead has decided to believe Pilar. What does Gaby care? How could she go so far? Before this idiocy can proceed any further, Dr. Quintana appears. Pilar will never be able to conceive again. Round robin of close-ups: Larry, impactado; Quintana, muy serio; Gaby, impactada; Larry again, looking accusingly at Gaby. Nobody seems to grasp that having Pilar out of the gene pool is a good thing.

Over at Perfumes Gaviota, Max bursts into Diana’s office. Their squabble over visitation rights is interspersed with the “mi hijo”/“no, nuestro hijo” bickering. Diana resorts to name calling and Max literally applauds her dirty mouth. Diana threatens to leave the country with Mini Maxi. Maxi Maxi tells her he’ll go for sole custody if she tries anything underhanded. Dueling close-ups.

Roll credits

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