Caray, Caray!

Well Hola Pasion viewers, I was hoping for pirates, but we got Serfs, the burgeoning "bourgeois"
and some fine scientific points about virginity.

We begin with small town anywhere in the “New World”, yeah we’ve seen it before, Jamestown, Boston, somewhere in Mexico. The townspeople look hail and hardy considering smallpox, syphilis and so on were quite abundant. A woman is in a church praying, she is praying for her son, Cuatro Anos, Cuatro Anos..he has been gone for Cuatro Anos. He doesn’t call, he doesn’t write. He is in jail or something.
The Lady’s name is Ofelia & she is missing her beloved son Santiago. From now on he is Santi to me. A priest or brother or Moe from the three stooges approaches. He gives her generic words to help her carry the Cuatro Anos Cross. This sends my easy distracted mind to wonder, what possessed those religious guys to wear their hair like that? I mean was it for religious reasons like humble yourself before God and man by cutting your hair with a bowl? This look was of course copied by farmers through the great plains, cowboys fortunately never bought into the craze. That little kid that yelled “Shane” across five states had the same haircut.

Meanwhile we see Camila the young, oh yes, virginal good girl, she is playing with some kid. She tells the kid to take a hike and go find Tia Rita. The kid is like no way, Tia Rita is boring.

We see a stranger, a hairy stranger. Dr. Livingston I presume? No, who is this hairy man? He walks down the street, in tattered clothes & more than his fair share of dirt. Two workers whisper Senor Santiago?
Ofelia of the Cuatro Anos Cross is standing looking out a window. She hears a voice. Tears run down her face, it is her beloved Santi. Oh Son, Oh Ma… He says so how are things. Ah okay. Santi inquires after Camila, the fetching maid we met earlier. She is fine and waiting. Just what a man wants to hear.

Next thing we see Camila catching a glimpse of boots; then her eyes rise to the face of “Santi”, he has returned. Many words of it’s a miracle, I would die for you, I waited…and so on. Santi wants to marry her. Camila does the, I’m not young anymore…and truthfully by the days standards she is a bit over the hill, but it looks like she has most of her teeth. She’ll do. Actually by him being locked up or where ever the hell he has been for Cuatro Anos, she probably extended her life by three years of not dying in child birth.

Ofelia & Santi join the Darien family for a sit down, with wedding talk. The Darien clan consist of Pa(Jose), Camila(the pretty one), Rita(yes the Jan Brady sister), Vasco(the uber hawt young brother). If she has a Ma, I missed it. But all these people have way too much hair so I’m not sure. Seem like they will go asked Don Jorge if it is okay to get married. I guess you have a few really powerful people and the rest are just kinda property.

Now back to the rich guys house, you know there is going to be a rich UberBastard, keeping with the TeleNovela theme that it is better to be poor and honest than rich and evil. This is open to debate.
Anyway we see the family come to ask if it is okay for youngins to jump the broom. Don Jorge does his best eye rape and comments the face of the virgincita, but the body of a woman. Don Jose (Cami’s Pa) says hello to Dona Sofie & Dona Fortuna. Dona Sofie is the gravely voiced wife of Don Jorge. Dona Fortuna, well she is plump, rich and named Fortuna, funny how that worked out. So somewhere in this town is a poor skinny urchin named “golfilla”? I’m really not sure how Fortuna fits in this little group.
Our young lovers will marry in two weeks.

Okay on to a fiesta at the Darien’s, it is the pre wedding party. The is some really quaint, yes boring dancing, you know the little men in a line, women in a line nonsense. Then our two, chaste lovers are standing under a tree. However, this is not a magical tree like the one in DA, & no clothes go flying, no Tequila either. Santi is trying his best to pull the it’s really painful for a man to wait, after all we will be married tomorrow, how bout we seal the deal. No young Cami is a good girl and will have no part of that.

Meanwhile back at the big house of bad morals, rich men are drinking and talking about how’d you like to get a piece of that virgin action Patron? Well seems like it is the Patron’s right to bang anything he sees moving. The other men encourage the Patron to take what is his. Psychologist call this HomoErotic, when men all get together to encourage the humilation of a woman. Yep, it does seem like this is quite to group of deviants.

Now we also get to see Don Jorge’s plump blonde daughter, Ursula, she is rich, spoiled and mentions Vasco, the uber hottie brother of our Cami. She takes lovers like good girls take vows seriously and with passion.

Now the men jump on their horses and off they go. They arrive at the Pre Wedding Party. Some Lackey of Don Jorge is giving the orders. So the little to be bride is gonna give it up to the Patron. Santi says no, the church has outlawed the practice. They actually mention a mujers himen (spanish spelling), thank you Univision, I don’t believe I have ever actually heard the term used in conversation. Just wait til I play scrabble again.

Well that is all the men needed to hear, they apologized gave ducats to the children and left.
Bwwwahhhaa as if. A fight breaks out, of course the many fiesta goers can’t possibly overcome five guys with swords. Santi gets a huge saber through him and falls to the ground, where he is also kicked in the head. Lil Cami realizing the fate of the Western World as we know it rests on her giving it up. She goes quietly after kissing the lips of her true love, who is unconscious at the time.

She is taken to the big house and locked in a room. Don Jorge will be up shortly. She frantically tries the door, egads, it is locked, the windows, alas they too are locked. The door opens and Don Jorge comes in. He is doing his best Hugh Hefner, complete with silk robe. I’m surprised she doesn’t swoon at his manliness and good taste. He pours her some wine. He basically tells her, young men don’t know how to pleasure a woman, it is all about them. He starts undressing her, well he tells her, this can be easy or this can be hard, it is up to you.
---I think he may have won her over, had he given her more wine and hired the Black Guy we saw earlier in the story, do a little Barry White under the window…

Darling, I can't get enough of your love babe
Girl, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know why
I can't get enough of your love babe.

She is paralyzed under the covers when he drops his robe, she shuts them even tighter after a brief peek.
He slips into bed with her.

Over to Santi..well things aren’t looking good, He was hit really hard in the head. Yeah and that giant saber surely nicked at least one vital organ. Santi’s sister is crying by his bed and Cami’s kinda weird sister is just staring into space.

Cami’s Pa & Santi’s Ma show up at the house demanding to speak to Don Jorge, he has Cami in there. The guard says okay hang on a minute. He goes in and speaks to Don Alfredo? I’m not sure if that is his name, but he was the RatBastard who got this whole thing started. Don Alfredo is like, nah Don Jorge is busy doing your daughter, she’ll be home safe in the morning. The two good parents leave, wailing and lamenting.

Meanwhile, back in the love shack, seem Don Jorge, couldn’t do the deed. If only he had the little blue pill, but alas we are hundred’s of years prior to that great scientific discovery. Never fear Camila, the Don promises to get the job done tomorrow.

Sorry If I missed anything…but I couldn’t torture myself enough to watch it again.
Now I go off to ponder how life has changed since those days of yore, if only he would have had jello shooters, Barry White, viagra & some awesome bling…well we might just have a different story.

Normally I would never make fun of a scene like the "attempted Rape", but I felt more threatened by lack of interest than any real mal intent.

Labels: Pasion