Caray, Caray!

Okay tonite is the night Mili goes in search of the Rat Bastard who spawned her. That would be Consti to we viewers in the know. Yes Uncle Gloves gave Mili what I assume to be an anonymous letter with the directions to the ole homestead, or house in Mexico City where her mother and Uncle Gloves were raised.

She is sobbing about the letter to happy cheerful Padre, she tells him is going to confront her ever evil father.

Meanwhile, Val is kicking the ever persistent Bobby to the curb. It was all a joke, he is dumbfounded, I mean even dumber than normal. When did things change? In her endearing and empathic manner, she laughs and blows him off. While sitting on the lawn in the newest Lowe's Lawn and Garden display, Bobby wanders off in a uber fit of dashed dreams. Rocky comes along and taunts her, I think he meant, yeah Bobby didn’t stand a chance cause you are hawt for me. Val does the eyeroll.

Mili is telling the girls all about the letter of Baby Daddy, only she is the baby. She is going to go see the Rat Bastard who spawned her. Man this girl has some serious issues, I mean isn’t it possible that her mom could have been a two peso hooker? I mean we know she was good and true and her very life was crushed out by the evil Consti deciding to marry Luci, mother of Al the Bastard, rather than marry the girl who sleep in his bed and then washed the sheets. But to be fair, Mili doesn’t know that.

Oh yeah I almost forgot about Consti or big swingin sperminator. He is in the den, in comes Brau or Gloves. He started the whole thing by writing the anonymous letter to Mili. However, he did cover the eyes of the puppet he had sitting on his weird and creepy forty year old lap as he wrote the letter. Thank Gawd, think how awful it would be if his puppet child was forced to give testimony against him in court.
Const says he is gonna murder him, he gets ready to wail on Gloves, when in comes Padre. Oh Consti, Dude you are so going to hell, you were gonna wail on someone in front of a priest, not to mention the swearing to kill him. The Padre gets between them and the more intelligent Gloves hides behind the man tries to carry on in the footsteps of Christ. Consti this does you no favor.

Over at the office, Andrea who is sporting her fine red polyester pants, say Andrea are those not the pair, Mary Richards wore the time she almost talked back to Mr. Grant? Fortunately unlike yourself, she could make it on her own. Anyway the Spanish version of Tony Soprano and lil Meadow, have stopped by to visit, Al. The father I don’t know his name, so hey I’ll just call him Tony, puts the thumbscrews to Al. He wants to know when they have set a date for the Wedding? Al looks surprised. Flor is all going along with Daddy. Al says they are just friends. Pa says well I need a date, it can be for your Wedding or your Funeral, your choice. Flor says Pa has a black sense of humor. I gotta say after years of watching the Sopranos, Tony would have never tried to force just a big can of Cheez Whiz off on his lil girl. He would have either made him leave town or had him whacked.


I really don’t get this whole thing, I mean for once Al hasn’t even looked for a place to stash the salami, I mean at least the other girls, he slept with, well not Mili; but this chick just got out of a divorce and she looking at Al like a thirteen year old boy at a blackmarket copy of Grand Theft Auto IV.

Padre tells Consti that he should just suck it up and claim, Mili, no Consti can do no such thing the time isn’t right. Right for him that is.

Oh yeah while all this drama is going on, Karla is vacuuming up Damien’s room. She pulls on the bedspread and finds a note….A suicide note, rather than die little by little, Damien has decided to end it all. When you find my cold dead body, bury me next to next to my cold dead wife. Egads, Karla runs out, ooops I guess she forgot to tell him Consti was just joking around.

Mili goes to tell Granny she is going to see the house where Ma grew-up and encounter her Rat Bastard father. Granny tells her to take it easy, but Mili is not going to give an inch. Apparently her bad taste in clothing and manners is somehow all this poor Rat Bastard’s fault.

Mili is in dorm room she is putting on make-up and is wearing a nice dress. Consti comes in and tells her she looks nice. He looks nervous as she gets ready to go see her father. Hee Hee Hee, it is almost ironic except, I don’t think Miss Sanchez’s class has studied irony yet.

Damien is talking the long slow walk around the cemetery, he is thinking back on his sorry ass life, hey wait, I’ve seen all these memories, his son hates him cause he cause the death of Ma & Hugo’s ex-slut novia who was a cuzin boinker, how he pinned Mili up against a wall and tried to cop a feel, how he lied to poor Grammy Regina and made her believe her grandkid was alive, how he screwed his own sister over by making her think she was crazy instead of just a drunk hallucinating menopausal rich woman.
Damien pulls out a gun, & I realize I am supposed to be tense and on edge during this, but I am Bwwwwahhhaaaaing all over this scene. Cause I keep thinking the bullet will go through like his nasal canal and kill a bird who will fall on his head. Crap here comes better late than never Karla, crap that would have been a perfect Damien scene. Karla tells Damien it was a joke, Consti was just jerking his chain. Damien is furious and vows vengeance. Well so much for lamenting his past sins, unlike old whores, Damien did not seem to get religion.

Luci steps out of her room and sees Granny carting her breakfast tray down hall, she asks why Granny is doing that when they have servants. Granny says she gave Mili time off. Luci asks why and Granny says she is going to find her Father. Egads……..
Luci turns a Whiter Shade of Pale.

She picks up the phone and calls the newpaper, Extra Extra Read all about it…Consti Belmonte has a Bastard Daughter who is a Servant. Oh Snap…

Meanwhile the lil Bastard Hija gets off a bus, and it is kind of weird cause we have seen her wearing heels before, but it looks like she is going to fall off her little kitten heels. She is standing in front of the orange house that Ma & Gloves grew up in. Suddenly she feels a hand on her shoulder, we see her snarl like a feral animal and she turns around and spits right into Consti’s face.
----Have I explained before I hate this girl? Who in the hell does something like that? Spit now and ask questions later? Like it couldn’t have been some poor crippled person wanting directions? So Consti is wiping slobber off his face and she is apologizing and asks what he is doing here. Well, he just wanted to protect her and help her out and wanted to make sure everything turned out okay.
---Seriously this girl does not know this guy is her very own Rat Bastard, so how come she isn’t totally creeped out by all the attention old guy gives her. Hello, Damien is only looking out for Karla. But she thanks him and gives him a kiss on his cheek, he of course touches his cheek lingering on the place she kissed it a moment too long. She must do this alone, she sends Pa on his way.

Gloves comes in to see, Luci and she confesses she called the newspaper, Gloves is thrilled and they get into a I’ll see your bastard and raise you a bastard argument.

Nestor calls Luci, she says, she is so glad he called, she is leaving her husband.

Consti returns to the office and hey this would be a great time to cop a feel off Andrea and her bright red pants, I'm sure those pants had the same effect on Mike Brady everytime Mrs. Brady wore them, I know they had that effect on Gregg.

Hey AssHat no time for that, the newspapers have called, someone outted your bastard daughter. Now viewers if you didn’t see this think “Ricky Ricardo at his angriest spitting out Luci got some splain to do”. Andrea agrees, it must be Luci. Really Andrea, I may be giving you far too much credit considering your prior behavior, but you are way too smart for these people.

Bobby is Al’s office, whining about Val. Al always the supportive friend says I told you, she was screwing you around. Now in comes the Mafia princesses, Flor and her blonde side kick sister. The girls want to go to the Rodeo tonight. Are we seriously supposed to believe all the rich kids want to hang out at the Rodeo and get some awesome eats at the Taco Naco?

Some old lady who has apparently had a stroke sees Mili, Mili has rang the door bell of the orange house. There is no answer. The lady tells her that she has lived there forever and knows everybody. Mili asks about her mother and the old lady remembers that her daughters had a little friend who lived there and she had an older brother. However, due to the ravages of time, a stroke, a bad writing by Miss Sanchez’s class, the woman can not recall the names. She takes Mili to seem some crotchity old man, who rents the orange house, but unless she wants to buy it he won’t show it too her.

Mili goes home, happier than before at least she feels like she is closer to her family, yeah like living with them.

Anyhow she tells Granny about the old lady and that she has an Uncle. I don’t know how many of you watch Fuego, but in a Juan feeling a disturbance in the force moment Granny clutches her heart. Poor poor Granny she feels she will never see her grandchild.
Guess I was wrong---Granny’s pumping iron, but our eighth grade writers are pumping irony---
That’s okay cause Granny will always have Mili.

Mili and chiclets are going to the Rodeo.

Consti comes home and he is furious, he asks Gloves where Luci is? Gloves sends him off in the wrong direction and Gloves runs upstairs to tell Luci that Ricky is home and it’s not a 50’s sitcom, he really is going to kill her. Luci jumps up, there is screaming, yelling, Gloves is caught in the middle, Consti says he is gonna kill her. Karla comes running in clutching a suicide note…Damien is going to end it all. Okay change plots.

They are all screaming and yelling downstairs, Luci make-up is running all over her face. Nestor comes in. Luci blames Consti for killing Damien with his little joke. Consti promises to give him an awesome funeral. Nestor looks like he would like to go back to Europe. Luci calls Hugo. Pilar the needy and Hugo are me amoring over breakfast. The phone rings, Hugo says don’t answer it, it is my father and I don’t want to talk to him. Of course Pilar must answer it, it is Luci and she is crying. Hugo takes the phone and we see one of the Hitchcock Miss Sanchez moments, crazy color and camera angle, oh I get it…Hugo has been shocked into reality. Flashbacks of hating Pa, wearing the bum clothes, loving Mili, helping out in the fake losing the baby on the staircase thing with Andrea. I have to go back to Mexico is all Hugo will say.

On a lighter note over at the Rodeo, it is big dance night and there is a trip to CanCun as the prize. Lina runs off to find Rocky, Gloria goes to get her boyfiend who is helping out in Taco Naco and like a bad episode of Zena the Warrior Princess, Mili stakes a claim on Al. Flor tries to argue with her, but we all know where that is going..at least Mili doesn’t spit on her. She drags Al out on the dance floor, he looks back with a “What’s a guy to do look?”

Back at the house of screaming Luci is hissing out Murderer at Consti and Nestor is looking like man I should of just picked up a hooker in the bar.

The door opens and everyone looks like they’ve just seen a ghost…they have it is Damien just like a nagging STD, he is back.

I didn’t see the previews cause the phone rang…but I am sure once the family realizes it is really Damien, they can get back to the which Bastard is a bigger Bastard argument.

Well Consti…I teetered on your rating tonight, I’m giving you a 9 cause you didn’t beat Mili when she spit in your face, but trying to cop a feel right after that was not a point in your favor.`

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