Caray, Caray!

Buenas noches a todos.

You know it’s never good when Fernie pays Oscar a visit. Attorney Fernie has brought the divorce papers and needs Oscar to sign them immediately. Oscar isn’t gonna sign nothin’, but not because he doesn’t know how. It’s because he loves Jimena enough for the both of them. Sorry Charlie, Jimena signed the papers before she went into the coma or whatever Fernie and/or her mother put her in. Yeah, I guess if you squint really hard and turn the paper upside down and imagine that Jimena can write in cursive it sort of does look like she signed it. Well, that must mean she wants a D-I-V-O-R-C-E. Where do I sign?!

Frankie is digging something when Oscar comes along all pissed-off. You’re not doing it right he tells Franco, and harasses the lone brother who makes a conscious effort to keep things above water around their new digs. Well what bit you? Ah, I just divorced Jimena. Well, if it makes you feel any better, I divorced Sarita. No, that doesn’t make me feel any better. Then along comes Pablito with the drinking jar. You know, I heard Mexico was a major producer of plastic bottles, yet they’re still using good old fashioned pewter jars for a diet rich in lead.

Now Quinti has started a motorcycle taxi agency. It’s a fine, upstanding business in which she uses Gramps’ moto, Gramps’ gas, and Gramps’ clothes to operate a vehicle in questionable condition without a proper license, and exceeds the speed limit. It’s even endorsed by Padre Tadeo. With passengers like chickens and doves it augments the petting zoo perfectly. And in addition to providing local clergyman with free transportation, she provides our hundreds of viewers with English lessons: Time is money, business, business, business, and my personal favorite, see you later! You know they’re desperate when they actually give Quinti some camera time.

So the brother of Baldie (guy in hospital) comes to the Reyes with a basket of fruit and vegetables from the market to repay them for their hospitality. Sorry it’s not cash, but it’s all we had. Here’s an idea: sell the fruits and vegetables from the market in the market and give the cash to the Reyes. Apparently they’re all family now—who isn’t in this joint? Oscar is a sour-puss because of his divorce with Jimena. Talk about a freakin’ ingrate… Oh, but there’s an explanation. Gabi took advantage of Jimena’s illness and made her sign the documents. Gee, I didn’t see that coming from a mile away. Well, the point is Oscar didn’t, and now feels really stupid, as he should.

Just as Aladdin would visit Jasmine from the balcony, Oscar finds a way to see Jimena by means of the balcony. He tells Jimena that he feels really guilty, etc., blah-blah, you know the drill… No matter how much he talks, she still sits there with that wide-eyed stare and heaving breasts. Oscar holds her hand and sobs. Jimena tears up. How? I don’t know.

Damian asks Padre Tadeo for some help: last night he saw a woman dressed all in black, who seemed to be suffering very much, who is it? Padre Tadeo says that it is absolutely ridiculous that someone would be walking around in the forest crying. That’s what all reason would tell you, but remember where you live. Well, Damian is going to see that woman again because she really impressed him, a lot.

Baby music. How it transports Sofia and me back to yonder years. I had a little white lamb and when you would wind the knob on its side it would play the same song… Anyway, Sofia is a basket case.

Whoa! Wrong wardrobe Juan, Rodrigo is over on set 3, this is FELS. Sorry, but for a minute I thought Juan was wearing clothing from this century. Anyway, he’s alive, and wants to know where the lady doctor is, apparently she’s alive too.

Uh oh, the tribe drunkard approaches said lady doctor and starts groping her. She resists, but the tequila has made him bold. He rips off her top and we see her boobies. Well, at least we know that these, unlike Rosario’s, are real because they jiggle more than Grandma’s jell-o.

Sofia has had it with the mourning and is going to take a stroll. Gee, she was only raped twice (that we know of) after she went walking in the woods at night; when will she ever learn? Well, Gabi is not going to have her daughter be the town “llorona” and demands that she stay at home. Nope. Sofia doesn’t care what people think about her. Somebody’s been reading Betty Friedan… Gabi is ashamed of her. Oh yeah? Well, you shame me for the way you treat my sisters. SLAP! Who are you to judge me? Gabi says that she’s gonna get rid of Sofia right this very instant. Do it! Do it! There isn’t much left to me! Honey, there never really was.

Well, the idiot decided to dress in black and take a stroll in the dark, spooky forest. Spanish guitar—that’s his cue (that’s what they do in low-budget productions). What would Damian be doing in the dark forest, too? We know that they are going to fall in love and propose marriage because everyone knows that Spanish guitars mean love. He looks into Sofia’s eyes with desire and asks who she is. Well, that’s one way to meet psycho/depressed/ex-mothers.
Why are you stopping me, with what right? Save it for community theater sweetheart. Damian can’t believe how much pain Sofia has. They say I’m the “llorona,” I guess I am. Wait, why am I talking to you, you’re a stranger. And, if I see you again, don’t talk to me. Spanish castanets; must mean she’s playing hard to get.

Juan is searching for the “llorona” in the middle of the same dark, spooky forest. Now I know these people have shit for brains, but I thought it was a fundamental human instinct to hunt and gather during the day. But then again, noting adventurous or sexy happens before 10:00 p.m. Uh oh. That can only be the cry of one woman; the lady doctor. The drunk hasn’t gotten very far and is still sitting on her trying to take off her tank tops. Juan arrives with time to spare and punches the guy out. Lady doctor actually looks like she enjoyed it. Juan takes off his shirt and gives it to lady doctor. They embrace. Uh oh. Sofia flashbacks urge him to call said lady doctor “mi niña.”

Ooo, Damian is rich; we know this because he is drinking wine by a fire in a village without phones. He still can’t get over Sofia’s sadness. Gosh, they really know how to drive a point home. Damian observes his Kama Sutra statue and ponders Sofia’s nineteenth-century sex appeal. He has to find out more… With all this Spanish music I’d be led to believe he’s Spanish. It’s obvious the sound managers are on crack—or retarded.

Interestingly enough (but not surprisingly), Sofia is having her own hot flashes and flashbacks. Why did she encounter the same man twice—with what right? Oh my God, for one second could we puh-lease try to pretend that we aren’t in a Lana Turner movie? Secondly, I want to point out how confused these people are. What would a guy like Damian see in Sofia? I think we all know that he’s going to propose marriage sometime in the near future, and most likely plant his seed in her battered garden.

The drunken guy is really fed up with Juan, and wants the witch doctor to knock him off. Don’t worry he’s got it coming to him, but then again, if a gunshot wound and a fifty-foot fall won’t do you in, I don’t know what will.

Half-naked Juan helps half-naked lady doctor tie her shirt strings. Like we haven’t seen this trick before… He almost chokes her. I think it’s supposed to be a romantic moment—blame the actors, I do. But when they tried to show Juan’s underwear, everything went downhill. Oh, I like a direct girl. She wants to know why he doesn’t give her a chance; they would make such a great couple. For such a “smart” girl, she is so dumb. Juan puts his arm around her. Could it be love? If the burlap shirt fits…

If I have to see one more scene where pious Sofia goes to church and begs the Virgin not to abandon her I’m going to throw this laptop through the TV. That would not be good…

From now on Fernie is the owner/master of the ranch and holds a staff meeting to inform everyone of his promotion.

Gramps tells Fernie that he is completely mistaken, and his lawyer has secured 20% of the ranch for Gramps. On top of that, Fernie admitted to stealing all of Gramps money. Wait a minute! You leave my husband alone says Gabi. Everyone hates Fernie because you’re all trying to ruin my happiness. If she could only grow up! She loves Fernie and is going to back him in everything. Be careful Gabi. Fernie is like a rat, and is going to steal all of your money! Gabi ponders, no it couldn’t happen…
Over at the Goodwill/Elizondo store of junk with inflated prices Sofia brightens visibly and greets everyone with smiles. Spanish guitar. Damian enters and something tells me he doesn’t want to make a purchase. I like how it took four people to say “buenos días” in a successive line.

Damian wants to get to know Sofia and offer her a friendship. This relationship is moving way too fast. She doesn’t mean to be rude (but she really does), but she doesn’t want a relationship with a man. I should have known she was into that sort of thing… The music here is ridiculous just as the women in this scene. They all check him out while he tries to convince Sofia that he wants to buy her crap.

Gabi asks Fernie if it’s true that he stole Gramps’s money. Of course it’s not true. My only interest is to protect you, would I do that? So this is what it looks like when you take the two most dysfunctional people in town and put them under one roof…

Franco is talking to his horse again. Where have you been? Have you found Juan? Are you gonna find him? Go look for him. OMG the horse actually goes. If they would only invest the money they paid the horse trainer in their script-writers’ salaries.

Well, you sure don’t see men like that around here says Rosario in response to Damian’s visit. Fernie is uncomfortable because he received orders from the boss. Completely unrelated, I know.

Uh oh. Black SUVs. That means trouble. My question is; why is it that they always come out of the wood work when Fernie passes by? Oh. There’s Oscar. He’s mad that Fernie made him sign that divorce paper. Oscar doesn’t understand that horses aren’t as fast as SUVs.

Oh my god. I just realized that Juan is supposed to have amnesia. Ok, this makes a little more sense, but you know how stupid he is, I thought he was just being himself. Well, anyway, Capricho comes along, and after weeks he finally found Juan. Juan sees him, rolls his eyes, screams in agony, rolls on the ground, scratches himself with sticks and rocks, and mostly screams some more. He reaches for Capricho but he is too far away. The witch doctor observes this display, and probably thinks that now he doesn’t have to kill Juan. I really don’t think there are words to articulate Juan’s display of what I think I just saw.

Tomorrow: Eva says that Damian didn’t come into the store for handicrafts, but for Sofia. Oh my God, you think? You would have to be blind, deaf, and retarded not to have gathered that. Oh, not only that, but Damian wants to cure the wounds of Sofia’s heart. But what about Juan? Just know that, as always, he’s happy in his own little world.

Labels: Fuego