Caray, Caray!

Holà, Caraymates!  

We've seen quite a few series that had something going on to make the ratings department happy but... a serious flaw or two that earned derision from critics or unsatisfied viewers. Some of these got really bad – like Corazón Indomable. Others just needed a tweak or two, like Doña Barbara,

If you could fix a flawed novela, how would you do it? What general things would you do to fix the series to get it on track? We will assume that any and all continuity errors would be corrected but what general changes would you make?

I'll start with one some of you really hated, Fuego en la Sangre. It had excellent production values, photography, music, actors, and a good basic story premise, but the writing didn't come up to the rest. What I would have done with it:

What's the Point?

We complain about it all the time among ourselves. We should be complaining to the networks about this.

Seven or eight years ago I heard this subject covered on Anderson Cooper's program in which comments were made about the body heat being generated before Mexican and other Hispanic TV cameras on our favorite types of shows. The news team was wondering why the English-language networks were being raked over the coals and submitted to the rack to censor programs of this salacious material while the Univisions and Telemundos were being left alone. No answer was forthcoming and I don't recall them taking the subject very seriously, but I took the attention seriously enough to call a VP at Univision to let her know about it. I found the transcript of the broadcast online and sent the link to her with a cover note. After she read the page she let me know that nothing is going to interfere with the content of the programs. No te preocupes.

However, what she couldn't predict at that moment has happened: Gringos are getting interested in these programs to the degree that overall ratings are being affected. The U.S. Broadcast of the finale of Alborada was the highest-rated television program in the country. That's a combination of a number of factors:

So... it's possible that the moral watchdogs in the U.S. have decided to attack these programs or the networks themselves are trying to head this off at the pass.

In recent times we have seen examples of silly edits in love scenes that make no sense to those of us who have seen the entire scenes in their previous broadcasts. In the original broadcast of Telemundo's Pasión de Gavilanes we saw a long shot of the naked Oscar lying on top of Ximena through the eyes of her sister from the top of the waterfall; in the rerun a year later this shot was replaced with a duplicate of an earlier kissing scene. In Televisa's Fuego en la Sangre the skinny-dipping scene between Franco and Rosario was edited to remove shots of (oh, the horror!) side views of her boobage and a skinny-dipping scene two episodes later that showed the bare bums of the Reyes brothers was digitally censored to blur out the details without removing any actual footage.

PdG's original broadcast time was 7PM EST; FELS was at 9PM EST. How ridiculous was this censorship?

We've seen more recent examples that make just as little sense as these. Amor Bravío has not been immune and will continue to be hit with this.

Sound off, amigos.

Ever since ancient times music has been important in theatrical entertainment to set moods and describe and comment on action. Musicians were present in theatres during the time of Sophocles, the Caesars, and later Shakespeare. The composer Jean Baptitste Lully frequently collaborated with Molière during the time of Louis XIV. During the days of silent movies music was provided in theatres to accompany the action, either 

by a full orchestra in New York or a pianist in Peoria. Special effects organs like “The Mighty Wurlitzer” were designed to also simulate other instruments and were installed in large movie theatres. Classical music that was in the public domain was often used and music cue sheets were provided to conductors, organists, and pianists. As films became more sophisticated they had scores uniquely composed for them and now we almost feel cheated when the odd film is released that has no music. It feels unfinished; artistically incomplete.

Disclaimer: I am not a practitioner of any organized religion, nor was I raised in one. I know that the ability to grant forgiveness is a primary goal in most organized religions, but if “To err is human, to forgive divine” I will leave forgiveness to the angels.

We are always being told that forgiveness is for the forgiver rather than the person who offended him or her; forgiving is letting go to avoid living with rancor and hate. I can buy that notion if the offending act was committed in ignorance of the resultant suffering, whether the offender simply did not know the person would be offended or if s/he lacks the mental capacity for understanding such things. I can accept the idea of forgiveness if the offender apologises sincerely and makes amends (even if that can only mean getting out of the injured party's life). I cannot extend the same absolution to persons who knowingly commit malicious acts regardless of their motives for doing so.

Dirty Dozen #4: Sexual Predators

This particular class of male vermin primarily preys – or attempts to prey – upon innocent and/or wealthy females. His modus operandi can be seduction but often is rape or kidnapping. Usually perverse, and always achieving his most intense orgasmic experiences by inflicting pain, his usual motive is greed. Usually a smooth talker, often capable of moving in the upper echelons of society, he can get away with quite a lot before anyone finds out what he is really about. He may or may not be married, but he is always on the prowl because his appetite for others' pain is bottomless.

Who is the most evil of them all?

The Wedding Album, Volume II

Oh, how I sometimes wish we could go back to some true golden oldies, but it seems that in recent television seasons each wedding planner at Televisa or Telemundo (i.e., wardrobe consultant and production designer) tries to outdo the last production. I'd love to know whether novela weddings set the style for the brides of the following year. We start with three family affair weddings:

Dirty Dozen #3:   Femmes Fatales

Now we get to a particularly lethal species of female viper, the femmes fatales, the women who think they're the gods' gift to the men from whom they demand gifts. Not always clad in plunging necklines, stiletto heels, and red lipstick, they demand everything and get it... until Karmageddon gets them.  Always involved in one-upwomanship competitions with the female characters in their peer groups – and sometimes beyond that – for the attention of any or all of the males, they will use seduction as the primary weapon and deception as a close second. Frequently as sadistic as seductive, they are motivated either by pride, revenge, or greed. Whether toxic relative or false friend, the femme fatale is a typical narcissist and often a vile sociopath. Most are succubi and emotional vampires in other ways and – fortunately – few ever live to become the toxic mothers of future protagonists.

Who is the most evil of them all?

Villains.  Where would melodramatic telenovelas be without them? As in grand opera, they are colorful and over-the-top evil, with grand gestures and outrageous fashions on the women and basso-profundo voices on the men. They come in distinct (stereo)types and for our purposes we will discuss them by classification. Therefore we will examine a series of Dirty Dozens to determine who is the most evil within each. Controlling parent villains will also include their usual surrogates (steps, uncles, aunts, grands), peers will include same-sex siblings, and there is a third category yet to be named. This week's Dirty Dozen – in this author's mind – is perhaps the most lethal of them all:

Uh-oh, folks - I'm posting this for Melissa, who sent it to me adding: Sorry if this is short, I’m getting ready to leave for Mexico City in the morning. Not sure what are the previews -- I watched on You Tube. However, she recapped the wrong episode by accident I got home for the last ten minutes - I'll put what I saw at the end of this recap...

Oh noes, that is from yesterday. I'm guessing Melinama wrote in red.

I guess I will try to do this from my head. I will need a lot of help to fill in the blanks and I apologize in advance for typos since i'm not a fast typer and may not see the errors in my haste to get this done. Please don't mock my rough translation. I'm not that fluent yet. Here goes:

In the shed Fernando confesses to the murder of Don Bernanrdo. He says that it was an accident, but he provoked him and grabbed the steed by its reins.

He confessed to killing Armando and Rosario. we see a flashback of him shooting Rosario. He says it was stupid of her to be nosing around his safe and helping Juan Reyes. Fernando says he shot Eva,but we know that already. Sofia asks how is my Mama? How is my Mama?

At the dispensario, Eva is in bed being visited by the 2 sets of lovebirds.

Meanwhile, Sofia keeps asking how her Mama is. She yells at Fernando and demands him to answer her. Juan rides Capricho into the cemetery. Sofia yells at Fernando, I hate you!!!, I hate you!!! Damn you! Let me go! Let me go! Fernando tries to kiss Sofia but she resists and bites his tongue instead. Fernando spits out blood in disgust and leaves very pissed off. Sofia weeps helplessly.

Juan visits Gabriela's grave and yells at Gabriela from the beyond. Blood of my sister! where is Sofia? Damn you where is sofia? He demands to know where she is and although she is dead, thinks she is behind all this. He condemns her and rides off.

Nightfall comes signified by the full moon. Sofia pleads Fernando not to touch her. Fernando confesses to killing Ruth. Flashback to her murder. A marvellous and passionate death says Fernando. He killed her while making love to her.

Sofia exclaims that Fernando is a sick man. He is very disguting and repulsive. She is repulsed by his presence because he is morally repugnant.

Meanwhile, Juan is at the tomb of Libia. He is seen talking to himself, then a methaphorical lightbulb clicks and he realizes that Sofia is still alive and that he can feel it. Use the force and follow your heart.

Eva miraculously goes to mass accompanied by Sarita and Jimena. I'm in love with Sarita's legs. Eva is able to stand up, walk and kneel down before Padre Tadeo.

Fernando unties Sofia. I think he says that he will pleasure himself with her then kill her later. She again pleads Fernando to let her go. He tells her to shut up.

Juan finds them in the shed and a struggle ensues between Juan and Fernando. The one eyed undertaker, the sepulterero slugs Juan from behind while he had Fernando in a choke hold. Juan beats him up while Fernando makes his escape. He climbs on top of the crypt and thought bubbles that the sepulterero is an idiot after seeing Juan get away. He shoots at Juan and the Reyes Brothers Franco captures the sepulterero and leaves to take him to the commisario. Juan asks Oscar to take Sofia to Eva.

Eva is sick and weak again. She is back at the dispensario. Dr. Montez gets rid of Sarita and Jimena and he tries to revive Eva. Moments later, Sofia arrives but the dr. has given up hope and throws up his arms in resignation.

Sofia asks her true mother to answer her. she refuses to have her leave her. Eva opens her eyes and miraculously lives again. She asks are you really here? Another day has come and gone. Nightfall turns to dusk. Cut to Gabriela twitching her fingers amidst the sounds of heartbeats beating. Sofia consoles unibrow baby. (I think that is her real daughter. Both Sofia and Adela's)

The sepulterero is dropped off and he quickly escapes and drives off in the truck of the commisario and dumb and dumber. All three are worse than the 3 stooges at this point.

It is daybreak and Gabriela begins to be revived. Juan and Fernando have been fighting all night long. I swear those two lasts much longer than Manny Pacquiao and Oscar De La Hoya would in a fight. They even have stronger stamina than Lance Armstrong and Michel Phelps. More than 12 hours of fighting and running overnight would kill a normal human being. But these guys seem to have superhuman endurance. The battle carries over to a passing train. The back and forth continues through different cars in the locomotive with neither man gaining a true advantage.

Sofia prays to the Virgin Mary de Guadalupe to protect Juan. Juan and Fernando get off the train and he corners Fernando who stand in front of a tree with an 'F' branded into it. Juan seems to smile or grin. In his dying declaration, Fernando says you won't be lucky enough or strong enough to take Fernando Escandon alive. Fernando points the gun under his chin and commmits suicide.

Juan angrily runs to Fernando's corpse yelling you damn dog!,You damn dog! you denied me justice. Then fires his pistol in the air twice. Oscar and Franco try to calm him down as Juan grabs Fernando's corpse and screams you damn dog!

We shift to coffin cam and we see Gabriela reviving and asking where she is. She calls out to Fernando and starts to panic. the commisario of the town arrive with Padre Tadeo and dumb and dumber at the place where Fernado committed suicide and confirm that he is indeed dead.

The three brothers arrive at the hospital and notify their fiancees that Fernando is dead. The threat is over. He commited suicide rather than be captured alive. Juan asks sofia how Eva is. Sofia says that she is getting better thank God. Eva pledges her eternal gratitude to Juan for saving her daughter. She asks what happened to fernando. They say he is dead. And they don't have to worry about him anymore.

Gabriela still cries out for Fernando and in desperation, quickly uses up what little oxygen she had left. She later dies asphyxiated within the coffin. Descanse en Paz Dona Gabriela Acevedo de Elizondo. The sepulterero is supposed to be digging her out to get the money. He is just standing there.

The Reyes brothers go to Libia's tomb and tell her that Fernando is dead and God will mete out justice to him. The three promise to be together always.

Sofia, Sarita,Jimena and Juan,Oscar and Jimena pledge their eternal,undying and unconditional love for each other in their own rooms while making love to their respective partners. Oscar and Jimena are seen without their clothes save for their trademark boots during a passionate time in bed.

Hey, are any of you Gloria Trevi fans? This past weekend I saw her in Chicago for her birthday/Valentine's day concert--it was amazing!

And to think it took over 218 episodes for Sofia to hit up the 80’s vintage rack at the Goodwill. Oh, and Sarita even took off her fake glasses. How sweet.

So, Gabi is, yet again, the hapless victim of her own drug-induced circumstances, and envisions green gases emerging from the mirrors and tea cups—just like Alice in Wonderland. Well, whoever said you can’t take it [wealth] with you was sadly mistaken because clearly Gabi’s stuffing the dough in the sides of the casket will serve as a fine offering to her mythological higher gods, and will probably get her a pretty good seat at God’s table… unless she goes to the other place, in which case she would still probably eat in the company of the head honcho. Anyway, all the “new-attitude” girls are freakin’ out about Mommy locking herself in her cabin again. Ok, who left the borderline sociopath alone in a locked room with alcohol and sharp objects? You know what the color scheme does to her… So before the boomerang family physician can pop out another unmarked bottle of “medication,” the girls bust down the door, only to find mother dearest lying in a pool of what we hope is her own filth. Sure, no one here will ever be able to put two and two together, but let’s just take the gray face as a sign of a rapid, soul-less death. And I thought we only used partial-color body parts in senior portraits…

Outside is just like any other day on Bonanza—except the diabetes supplies guy is probably doing commercials. The big, bad Fernie and his valiant steed circle the strong-willed, do-gooders on their respective ponies. For many narco-traffickers, this is merely child’s play. For a civilization that just discovered the heretic ways of gun powder, this is a battle reminiscent of the Alamo—which would have gone much smoother had they used their own company minivans.

The 218th meeting of Self-righteous Hypocrites is now in session. “I was never your daughter, but I always loved you like a mother,” wines Sofia. The other two are floating in a river of their own tears and pity. That’s funny: Isn’t this the same woman you labeled hopelessly crazy and you did everything in your power to escape her wrath? I guess (multiple) attempted (and successful) murders mitigate themselves in the dying hours of someone who always despised us. Then again, I wouldn’t know because I don’t belong to this upstanding organization. Oh, I see, now it’s time to blame ourselves. Of course, now we will deny that she’s really dead. Boy, we’re gonna go full circle in the recovery process before the next commercial break.

So, little Eva can officially join the circle of devoted housewives and mothers because Sofia officially recognized her as her legitimate mother. Somehow I doubt DNA testing was ever involved, but it’s still a nice gesture. And to think, Eva had all this confidence even before she knew Gaby kicked the bucket. Poor Fatima, an aspiring member of the aforementioned organization, is crying cats and dogs herself because her constant source of verbal abuse and physical assault has bit the dust. Whoever will chastise her for braiding her hair with green ribbons? The only one who doesn’t have her own breakdown is Eva, who is surely doing a silent cheer on the inside because Lifetime Competitor Numero Uno is out of the way, facilitating Eva’s acquisition of two more “daughters she never had.”

Now, while our beloved characters are wallowing in self pity (which may appear to the untrained eye to be reverence and remorse), I will mention that the bitch got off way too easy, but that doesn’t even surprise me because God knows that if the Televisa team had another brain, it’d be lonely. All I can say is thank you for not surprising me. Oh, and girlies, don’t even attempt to play the “mother never loved us” part, your sister’s been doing that her entire life.

So I’m not really sure why it took Eva all night to get over to the mansion if she “came as soon as she found out” in the middle of the day. And for that matter, if your beloved, beloved mother just died minutes ago, would you change and freshen up to hug your boyfriend? And if the Reyes really operate in a trio-terrific team, why would they leave their eternal role model alone to take on evil incarnate? Well, the point is, they did, and sure enough Fernie has Juan at gun point, again (yawn), but a fist always beats a gun—at least that’s what they taught the children at the dispensary—and a man’s worth is determined by his ability to remain conscious under water. Because I’m on the verge of falling asleep, I’ll briefly relate that Juan, in his brutish glory, punched-out Fernie while repeating “you killed my sister.” Then Juan thought that holding Fernie under water for 15 seconds was long enough to kill him several times over, so he stood up, pounded his peckers, and belted out the “Libia” song, which ended with a blow to his head from a curious Mexican peasant-farmer. Leave it to the disgruntled proletariat to knock off the good guys. Of course, Fernie is not dead yet, and at this rate I’m beginning to think he’s basically Mexico’s Tuck Everlasting. So, naturally, Fernie picks up a shovel to kill the already (probably) dead brute, but his ego is only surpassed by his incompetence and Team Good-guys arrives and, like the pussies they are, politely warns that, if pushed, they might kill Fernie. Well, that was enough to get Fernie packing and in “un dos por tres,” he was outta there.

Right, so before the bitch is even in the ground, let’s pull out the will and start dividing up the assets. At least Slow-fia has the decency to give the devil’s corpse a proper burial. Stiffy Paddy Taddy has been robo-tized and parrots everything the dyed-hair woman mumbles. No, Jimena, Mommy’s diamond studs are mine!

I really don’t understand why everyone on this show has a disability. Sally had God-knows-what going on with her forehead and eyes; the obsequious peasant-farmer has some weird shit goin’ on with his eyes, too. And I won’t even begin to list the mental incapacities of our protagonists… I know they do this so people can relate, but next time I want a show where people can operate cell phones and spell their names.

Well, no time is wasted to get Crabi in the ground and out of the way of the family fortune. Lucky the family has a personalized servant-priest at their beck and call. These funerals are always the most intimate of reunions. Though, I for one would have been dancing on the casket and serving party cocktails by the gallons. I guess we all have our ways of “mourning.” Because the Hypocrite club never convened, it’s only appropriate that Eva, too, initiate herself and ask Gabi to forgive and accept her. Ok, honey, Gabi can’t hear you, and do you really think that just because she died she would suddenly like you? NO. You’re not allowed to have friends, remember? I swear they shot the scene from the first episode I recapped (Bernie’s death) and this one on the same day. Would these people really pay for two caskets, and would the actors really be able to cry twice? “Lo dudo muchisimo.”

Of course, Juan couldn’t attend the funeral with everyone else, so he goes to the after party the next morning. You see, that’s the custom in Mexico to leave the dead corpse in a hot room for days until the magic angels return the body to Jesus. In case you care (and I know all you “I’m looking for a Spanish teacher” people care), Juan tells Gabi that she doesn’t deserve to be forgiven, but he’s a good Christian boy so he knows that God and Jesus and he should forgive her.

Ok, these people are drugged. One scene is day, one scene is night, the next day, etc. You’d think that by the last show they could maybe get the technical crew up to a community-theater level, but apparently we’re still stuck with lighting for basements and industrial areas. So, if you thought that it was day, it was just the tweaked-out lighting guy’s trippin’ imagination. Back to the story; the now seven living people on this show gather at the midnight burial of Gabi the Great. Now, I’ve never had a pretend abusive mother die, but if I did, I would never, never, never, burry her ass in the middle of the night with a Frankenstein-ish priest and a handicapped peasant-farmer sleeping on the graves. Oh, I lied, there are only three people present at this funeral; Fernie and sidekick are watching from afar, and therefore not in attendance.

I really don’t understand these people. If Sofia breaks a nail, she contemplates the gravity of the situation and carries on for days. If her supposed “love of her life” pretend mother dies, she’s as giddy as a school girl the next day. New-mom Eva and new-daughter Sofia go out for a drive. Their trip is interrupted as the idiotic driver takes them to a sheep pasture (in Caribbean Mexico?), where instead of turning, he wants to go straight and therefore gets out to do whatever it is he thinks he can do. Meanwhile, mother and daughter are just a bunch of chatty Cathies until said driver is pounded to a pulp by Fernie (Who the hell knows how no one saw him in a wide-open pasture.), and then Fernie holds the girlies at gunpoint. Given his history of gun-points, I am confident that these girls are actually safer with Fernie at gunpoint than in the empty hands of the rage-full husband/boyfriend/son-in-law Mighty Joe Juan. Of course, I’ve been wrong before. Well, I told Eva “don’t be a hero.” But, she just got too much confidence too fast, and that’s why she put herself between Fernie and Sofia, and ended up shot. Because it’s painfully obvious that she has to die according to telenovela custom, don’t be surprised when they burry her tonight.

Because it wasn’t enough that mommy dearest #2 just got shot, Sofia had to play the hero (it’s a serious trend on this show), but only ended up in the back of Fernie’s truck. Naturally, Juan instantly had the premonition that “Sofia is in danger.” If he could only direct his premonition powers into finding her and being able to kill the enemy… Just as Fernie pulls away, the driver comes to, and assists Eva.

Ok, Sofia, you were slapped on the face, not crushed by a Mack Truck—don’t pretend to have amnesia. And don’t even start to pretend to love/need/depend on your pretend mother.

Oh, here’s a great scene. PaddyTaddy: “When will Fernie ever stop?” It’s a question the greatest intellectual minds and philosophical gods have pondered for millennia. No, actually, you blithering moron—it stops whenever you open your goddamn mouth, you stupid idiot. Here’s my question: “How many murder confessions does it take for PadTad to consider doing something about women who are continually raped and killed on his watch and conscience?”

Great, Sofia, the man has you at gunpoint and you have the balls to tell him that you hate him. Fernie is going to show her a good time tonight. Jail/bondage scenes are always better than abandoned barn scenes, so I’ve got money that Sofia will end up loving Fernie after tonight.

Good going, Juan. Your mother-in-law is on her death bed, and you have to tell her that you can’t find her daughter, who is probably already dead. It wasn’t the bullet that killed her, it was Juan’s ignorance. Which only proves that being that stupid is not only debilitating to oneself, but deathly detrimental to others.

And so, our story ends.

Well, I never expected anything from this telenovela, so I’m sure as hell not disappointed. What, if anything, just happened? Where’s Gramps? All I can say is; if these people are supposed to be average, maybe even above-average in their region, does that mean that half of the people operate at a level below them? If so, I suddenly understand the entire Welfare System of the U.S.A.

Over-arching theme: A family that eats, sleeps, bathes, and thinks together, attempts revenge, murder, and false marriages together—even when they’re not sure why.

Lastly, and most importantly, I want you to know that I was only able to write these recaps because I was writing them for each and every one of you, who consistently and loyally demonstrated your kindness, support, and friendship. If one good thing came from the triple wedding, it is this here FELS family. I will always remember fondly the hilarious times we shared on the Caray website, and I wish you all the very best of health, wealth, and happiness.

Your friend,
Nickster