Caray, Caray!

Ah, thank you CherylNewMex. It’s worth mentioning that I just got back from a six-hour dress rehearsal and what do I do? Talk with my parents, make a trip to the fridge, hit the sack? Nope, I run for my laptop and warm up my DVR. Let this be a testament to my undying dedication to my beloved friends, assumed family and loyal readers. This recap, containing whatever is left in me, is dedicated to you.

I don’t want to steal Cheryl’s thunder, but I just have to comment on the “caught-in-the-rain” sex scene. What really turned me on wasn’t the wet Sofia, or the spooky environment, but Juan trying to lighten the mood by sneaking up on her. I haven’t seen and adult male hurdle hay ever since the former Juan tried to, pardon the expression, roll around in the hay with Sofia. All in all, I’m just glad that little pieces of hay were there to cover Juan’s nether regions. And I must say, the cocks pecking around behind Juan were certainly suggestive, if not offensive to our more conservative audience—you know who you are. Of course, my pilot light went dim when Juan mistook Sofia’s face for the Sofia bread and practically annihilated her face in an attempt to satisfy his hunger, confusing desires of the flesh with desires of the food.

Ah, the ever-mentioned Root. Should have known she was a bitch. But you know our Eva, Prima Donnas are her thing. Don’t touch her, don’t touch her! But I’m your mother. I don’t know you from Adam, Eva. Now get out of here. Ah, my Root. It’s that tender moment when a mother discovers her daughter for the first, I mean second time. Let’s just hope Eva hasn’t refocused her love for Rosario on the illusive Root, talk about setting yourself up for defeat.

I just want to say that if someone had turned on Univision during this experiment in natural love, I am sure that they could have mistaken it for an adult film, as in the types that you can only get behind the curtain at blockbuster. Anyway, speaking from experience, lying on hay is not comfortable, must less when it makes direct contact with your skin and other external organs. One stray piece and, well, let’s save that for cable.

Anyway, Gabi gets it in her pretty little head that Fernie killed Libia. I’m impressed; I was so betting on never, but wow. So Gabi is off to find proof, but Root interrupts. I should have known; like bitch mother, like bitch daughter.

Eva is a basket case and cries to Pad Tad that there was a Root party in town and she wasn’t invited. No, you will not blame yourself, if anybody is to blame, it is I. We love Pad Tad for his selfless, obsequious ways. God must have wanted it to be like this. Regardless, Eva tells him how elegant, and nice, and beautiful Root is. Yes, Eva has a stigmatism and hearing problems. Sure Root’s a little rude, but who isn’t? The important thing is that she’s my daughter, and now I can worry/complain about someone to others again.

So Juan Reyes, P.I. takes old Capricho into the forest in a desperate attempt to remember who attacked him and why. I’d say he has better chances at asking his bread pan to lead the way, but hey, I’ve seen enough of this show to shut up and watch. Anyway, I’m having Budweiser commercial flashbacks when they show Capricho running aside Juan in a Rocky-esque sort of way. What I like about this show is that it gives character to our mammal friends and develops their intricate and fascinating personalities before our very eyes. I wonder; will this horse be in Maybelline commercials, why else would the camera pan to his voluminous, long, and beautiful eyelashes? Well, for whatever reason, Capricho stomps his left foot three times and that means feeding time. Err, well, to Juan that means; “this is where Fernando and his cronies came that night to attack you.” Good boy, Capricho. I always knew this horse would be the first full-bred president.

Gabi explains to Root that Fernie is the hottest hottie around, yet Sofia wasn’t woman enough to handle him. Root doesn’t understand how anyone could resist such luscious love handles and excellently-installed hair plugs. Gabi reasons that he loved her [Gabi], and that’s why they shacked-up all those times. I mean, how could she resist his caring touch. Isn’t it scandalous? Nope, nothing is scandalous to me, because I’m a badass, says Root. You can pretty much tell that this one has been around the block a time or two. I just knew the leather gloves meant she was Tijuana Cartel material. Gee, I sure wish my mommy were like you, reflects a pensive Root.

Inventory looks a little high over at the Goodwill Shelter for Elizondo’s Resold Shit. That can only mean that it really is shit that no one wants. Anyway, the girls remark that Sofia went to the “special place” and giggle. Sofia enters and is practically a new woman in old clothes. She wants to show them exactly where and how Juan touched her. The girls jump at a chance to fulfill their sexual desires vicariously through their sister. It’s a sad day when the only chick in town getting any is Sofia. But, it just goes to show you, there is someone for everyone. When in doubt, hit up your local Goodwill or great-great grandmother’s closet and start dressing like Sofia.

Eva doesn’t have the balls to talk to Gabi alone so she takes Pad Tad with her. So Gabi’s been harboring Root from Eva all this time and Eva wants answers. Dr. Gabi believes Eva is unfit for motherhood, and Gabi figures that a fourth time’s a charm, so what the hell? Pad Tad is just here for the coffee and some basic intermediation, so why should he tell her what to do? The point is, I now understand why anyone and everyone related to these three people in any way are in such unstable positions. Gabi then convinces Eva that Root has been happy heretofore, so why disappoint her by letting her in on the secret? As you know, Eva can win her affection. Eva wouldn’t know charm if it smacked her in the face, and believe me, she’s taken some pretty serious blows. Pad Tad feels like he should say something, so he reminds us how to pronounce “Ruth” and feeds us the “it’s Root’s choice, not yours” line. Well, God, Eva, you’re not only naïve, but you’re also an idiot. How dare you think love could conquer all? I’m just glad that Pad Tad is still backing Eva. They threaten that one day Root may not want Gabi to be her mommy. Gabi might have a cow.

The girls make a visit to the orphanage. Sarita looks upon the nuns with tenderness and yearning. To know that she, too, might have been a nun brings tears to her very eyes. Of course, Sofia still doesn’t know why she has a seemingly natural attraction to the baby who in so many ways resembles Juan. This brings new meanings to turning a blind eye to the writing on the wall.
Bad Ass Root sits with her feet on the bed. She can’t get over Sofia shacking up with Juan. It doesn’t matter, look at all the times she humped his legs and grinded her body on his. Sure she’s dominant and a little risqué, but it pays the bills. In fact, she likes a little competition, but in the end she knows that winning over Juan will be easier than taking away Sofia’s baby. Remember; you poke Sofia and she puts herself in intensive care for three months; tell her she was cheated on, she goes ape shit on us.

Gramps spies on Root, and she likes the attention; hey, she’ll do anything. So she goes to his room and does a little flirting. Putting her boots on his bed was the kicker. Honey, he’s over age and in a wheel chair. Gramps explains his spying tactics and Root puts herself at his feet and promises to be his first and only General. She knows how to please a man. Oh my God. Root positions her voluptuous body so that Gramps can check out her…assets. Talk about tacky and desperate. You can take the girl out of a Tijuana brothel, but you can’t take the brothel out of the girl. Gramps doesn’t really know what’s going on, and asks himself why Root doesn’t like her aunt.

Eva bumps into Root, pretty little midriff and all. Pad Tad makes a go at an introduction but Root doesn’t touch, remember? That’s not what she was suggesting earlier with the little dances. Anyway, Taddy goes off on some rant about priestly matters and Root stops him to mention her “I only believe in what I see” religion. That’s funny; I only believe half of what I see. Something tells me we wouldn’t get along well. Pad Tad is deeply troubled by her atheism, and asks her how she would react to an ever-loving father in heaven. She yawns and tells the guy to shut up already. Suddenly I like her even more. Sofia comes in with all the orphans and consequently ruins the tender moment Gabi was having with her pretend daughter Root. Sofia takes the kids upstairs, but Root hates kids, so that won’t work. Then Root gets a letter saying her father is ill. Pad Tad doesn’t understand the incestuous relationship between Root and her father, and Gabi explains that if he knew Ricardo he would understand.

I’m gonna say this so as not to offend anyone: Regarding the boxing scene—WTF?

All the nuns are more than happy to get the kids out of their able hands. Gabi is about to go drown them all. Sofia talks to Pad Tad and Eva about breaking the news about Root. Everyone agrees that her father has been a bad influence, and that’s why she hates Eva. Seeing that Root’s father is ill, she wants to tell her that she’s her mother before she never comes back.

Sarita and Jimena are practicing being Franco’s and Oscar’s wives, respectively. It is so much fun to pretend with other people’s kids. My question is, if you have so much fun with these orphans, why not adopt them. I mean, you already feel like their mothers.

Who walked in on whom? Well, the point is, Root is naked and in the shower, and Fernie is checking her out. Two words: fresh meat. And from the looks of things, nothing on that woman is fresh, or ever remotely so. He ponders her existence and background. After seeing Root naked, Fernie feels a special connection to her. Root feels the need to tell Gabi about Fernie seeing her as “God brought her into the world.” That’s funny; I didn’t think she believed in God. Anyway, Gabi is jealous, but not really. Gabi tells Fernie how Sofia’s real daughter is upstairs in Sofia’s lap; what trouble! Not really, seeing the kid won’t know her mother for another thirty years or 100 episodes—whichever comes first.

Tomorrow: The blood calls. Juan is investigating the backgrounds of all the orphans. Something very curious is about to happen. I feel like I got the shitty episode of the week. Oh yeah, I’m sorry if any of this is vague, but they are all over the place tonight on this show. Well, Beckster, you can take it all. I don’t want any more.

Labels: Fuego