Caray, Caray!

DISCLAIMER: This is a NO-SPIN ZONE! Oh, wait, that’s Bill O'Reilly. How about: What you are about to read most probably contains profanity, sexual references, and overall contemplations of others’s stupidity. I would hate for a stamp-collecting, mitten-knitting loony to happen on this blog and alert the FCC and local extremist groups.

Anyway…

After everyone tortures Eva and our lovely audience with a ghastly game of charades accompanied with “you must be VERY strong” they have to break it to her that, unfortunately, Rosario’s CFM heels kicked the bucket. Sadly, her days of strategically-placed material are over. As if people made up other people’s deaths everyday, Eva asks them why they’re lying; no it can’t be true, she is alive! I've seen this so many times before, and let me tell you; saying this will not bring little Rosie back. This just makes it all the more harder to handle and everyone cries; Franco even tells Eva that he secretly loved Rosario. Sarita cringes, but does a silent cheer because those overly-inflated bosoms were the only thing separating her from her man. Well, Rosario’s death is only fitting because everyone knows Sarita and Franco will hook up in the end, and since there’s a general lack of testosterone and sexually-able bodies around, Rosario was just another competitor, and you know what they do to competitors…Off with their heads!...

After our green-thumbed Fernie topped-off Rosario’s shallow grave with some pretty dark, extremely noticeable top soil, he took all the convincing evidence back home and changed the combination on his safe—too easy. Though I want to point out, I guarantee that Juan will walk over this bare stretch of earth, and not think once about it. Meanwhile, Juan and Sofia can’t figure out for the life of them why Rosario had a ton of money in her purse. Well, considering she used to make a living off of her looks alone, she either struck it big time with the local field hands, or stole it from the ONLY guy in town who keeps large sums of cash in obscure places. Look, normally I’d say there’s a huge difference between being naïve and being retarded, but considering whom we’re talking about, it all just blends together.

Gabi is pretty incredulous about this whole “accidental death” scenario and finds it awfully funny that Rosario happened to vanish exactly when Fernie left the hotel alone, without telling anyone. Let me be clear; this is only a hunch and in no way represents a series of events that might have happened because we all know Fernie just went out for a couple of drinks. But, just for the record, Puebla (location of the hotel) isn’t that far from here, and he could have killed her without anyone knowing, or so says Gabi.

All Eva can think about is what in the world Rosario wanted to talk to Sofia about. The only thing I can think about is how Rosario’s death has now initiated yet a longer period of mourning for Sofia, and as always her character has made no further developments since the time she let Juan knock her up.

So now Gabi doesn’t believe anything Fernie says, talk about character growth. Now she’s a prudent woman, and certainly not stupid. What about your and Rosario’s son, or the time you pushed me into a hole? All I’m saying is I know what you’re up to, and I don’t care if you killed the tartlette, but don’t you dare lie to me. Besides, I still love you, but I have a big surprise for you. I think she’s pregnant…

Uh oh. Crappy duets starring the actors (or people who get paid to sound like the actors singing). This can only mean one thing; Franco and Sarita are about to reconcile. See, the only thing is, Franco hasn’t figured out that you don’t rant about old loves with the ones your trying to conquer. Live and learn. Now I think they’re going to use Rosario’s death and ever-sexy spirit as a pretext to start something between the two of them. Of course, this is illustrated by the montage of Rosario’s most exotic photo-ops. and her one last smile for the camera…she will be missed by our male viewers, as if there were any.... Franco and Sarita sort of kiss, only Sarita never gives tongue on the first date, but she certainly isn’t above hugging (with proper space, of course).

Staff meeting at the Bar of Broken Dreams. Fernie’s playing grief counselor; you all know how he was betrayed so he’s shuttin’ down the club, and everyone’s getting’ money so they can live comfortably until they find another job. The eerie music makes me wonder why El Coyote is peeping in on this little pow-wow.

Eva and Ofelia, the two unofficial, former mothers of Rosario are crying it up. When Ofelia discloses her secret plans to skip town with Luisito and tell the cops about Fernie killing Rosie, Fernie happens to put his ear up against the door and hear everything. Bad time to spell it all out. So, naturally, he wants to talk to Ofelia alone, and so Eva, even though she’s not worth shit, leaves Ofelia alone with the murderer.

Gramps can’t get over the fact that Rosario had all that money in her purse because she was a lot of things, but never a robber. This reminds me so much of the whole incident between Argentina’s crazy president Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner and Hugo Chavez giving her that suitcase of money. Unlike Kirchner, Rosario didn’t want to usurp people’s pension plans and apply them to public works. Anyway, Gramps thinks Fernie killed Rosario, and everyone needs his help. Sofia can’t get over the fact of Fernie ever doing anything similar to murder (if she only knew…). Well, like he said, they need him more than he needs them; that’s why he’s moving back to his old room in the mansion. Sofia’s beside herself with joy; you know, she was only at his house eight hours a day, which was not nearly enough, so this arrangement will be much better. Personally, I think things just weren’t working out with Quinti, and the whole Eva and Luisito live-in situation was just too much.

Fernie throws little old Ofelia up against the wall and threatens the life of Luisito. That’s the clincher. Nevertheless, Fernie plays good cop bad cop and Ofelia promises not tell on him. Eva re-enters and asks if anything happened (just remember that she’s under a lot of stress). Well, no, but I’m just gonna forget this whole thing. Eva wants to go after Fernie, but Ofelia says he’ll kill Luisito. I’m so glad that Eva has regained the motivation to do something more than wear a pretty scarf and beg Sarita for forgiveness.

I’m pledging the writer’s freedom law in which I only have to represent half-truths. Therefore, I am not recapping the whole relationship between the local market boy and girl because I believe the subplots here are counterproductive to the larger series of loosely-connected events.

Padre Tadeo is praying diligently just like every other day of his life. The nice Ave Maria music is playing in his head and all is quiet on the western front. Then 30 secs. of waterfalls and snake hissing (the sound guy was having a bad day). It can only be one person—Fernie. So it is, and as always they speak in rhyme and metaphors, always skirting, but never confronting, the issue of Fernie’s evilness. Fernie says he always wins, and then glimmers red. He must really have special powers like he mentioned.

Juan is talking strategy with Gramps, and is it any surprise that Gramps is in complete agreement with him? Anyway, they’ve decided to watch Fernie more closely. Who better than Juan, who just regained control of the very limited recollection and thought processes he once had, to start an investigative report of Fernie? So he goes to the soon-to-be-closed Bar of Broken Dreams where he is caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Fernie doesn’t like him asking so many questions, and Juan isn’t sure why, but he just wants to bust Fernie’s face.

Damian is out practicing being a matador by riding his horse in a circle. I must say this is a significant improvement over the handle attached to the wheel exercise. Oh! It’s his special day; he’s been invited to participate in an exclusive bull fight. Nope. He won’t do it because Sofia is so fragile that his absence will most likely lead her to the brink of death. How could he possibly fight a bull with Sofia’s health on his mind? A better question: how could he possibly get out of bed, knowing he would have to face Sofia?

Sofia is so happy because she feels loved. Gramps is happy too. I feel like we have regressed six God-forsaken months and we’re using the same goddamn lines.

Juan confronts Fernie about him stealing his daughter. Fernie is still keeping his eye open for her to show up; he doesn’t know where she went. Damn kid walked out of the womb and went packing. Well, Juan’s going to make him regret whatever it is that the thinks he might have done.

Sofia: I have no earthly idea why I love being in the presence of this orphaned baby, but I feel so peaceful and happy here. Their presence fills a void in my heart, and this ethereal connection between this here baby and myself makes me think that one of them is my daughter. In fact, I feel like the one with the misshapen head and dark hair is probably the fruit of my loins. Oh! Gabi’s here, but Vindictive Sofia refuses to have an altruistic mother, and sure as hell will not have her infringing on her selfish happiness. Besides, you never care about your own daughter, why care about the well-dressed, white orphans who have somehow escaped the fate of international adoption agencies? Sofia gets mad and leaves without saying goodbye to her daughter whom she’s not supposed to know but does, and loves, anyway.

Juan goes to see El “Eyebrows” Jefe in the big house. He tells Juan that Fernie is very clever and astute. That’s enough information to close the case. Juan is making such progress and is a well-respected crime-scene investigator.

Damian has dropped by the mansion and whattaya know; it’s dinner time. Everyone’s happy to have him there, especially Gabi, who has an extremely unhealthy obsession with the lad.

After a long day’s work Juan comes home to his rugged kitchen and unbuttons every button on his shirt except one—now that’s living. He tells his brothers that he saw Fernie and tried to ask him some questions, but his video course on criminal justice didn’t cover suspect interrogations.

Dinner time at the Elizondo house. It looks more like Thanksgiving dinner to me, except people aren’t segregated by who owes whom money, or whom Grandma never wanted her daughter to marry. Damian brings up the touchy topic of the bull fight. Apparently they have plans to get hitched, and he wants to respect that commitment. How the hell did I miss that? Then again, in this town as long as you roll around in the hay and teach each other to make bread you’re considered to be happily married (at least that’s what I gathered) Well, the point is that Damian wants to dedicate his entire life to Sofia and their marriage. Gabi likes this because it means new meat and more son-in-laws to charm and please her in and out of the bedroom.

Tomorrow: Sofia’s decision will affect everyone’s fate and there are mixed emotions about the whole thing. Believe me, it’s not that dramatic. By the bye, was today’s episode shorter? Because this was nowhere near as painful as usual. However, less happened, or rather didn’t happen, than usual. Chau.

Labels: Fuego