Caray, Caray!

Wow, it's too late for this. I just got home from being out with friends, and I tried to use my cell phone to start my car, so don't expect too much...

Alternate titles:

Facing your problems will only solve them...
Save Capricho, ride Juan.

The wholesome and pure family members are consulting their wedding planner, PadTad, about the wedding preparations—plenty of vanilla. Sofia’s mighty excited that Paddy used his priestly tenacity to annul her marriage to Fernie. In this case tenacity would be synonymous with “misguided procrastination, mental breakdowns and blatant inability.” Pretend-mother Eva is just beside herself that her make-believe hija let her play a small part in the biggest day of her child-bride life. PadTad blanks out in one of his fitful, one-way monologues with Dios. He begs that one day the truth as it has represented itself in his mind somehow outwardly transmit itself to pretend mommy and hija. Juan takes advantage of the religious intimacy and brings Sofia over to the altar. Everyone who’s ever had passionate relations in public places knows that altars are perfect make-out spots, especially when you can devour your special someone’s face in front of her fake mommy and emotionally-confused confessor. That’s amore…!

Somebody’s faux-leather bra with wrap-around straps is fitting a little too tight this morning… You-know-who has her merlot-stained panties all in a twist on account of Juan and Sofia’s gettin’ hitched tomorra’. On top of that, it doesn’t seem that she’s going to get half of Gabi’s fortune like she once schemed. We can’t all be heiresses, princess. Leave it to Fernie’s uncompromising, yet paradoxically reassuring hands to put her in a strangling full nelson and turn that frown upside down. Together they will unite their powers of leather and bondage to separate the star-crossed, cross-eyed lovers forever. All they have to do is stage Root in Juan’s bedroom with her legs pointing North and badda boom, badda bang…

Meanwhile, Sarita is enjoying retired life at her eclectic boutique of Thomas Kincaid wannabes. Caught up in the excitement of 19th century ballads, she hardly notices the amorous presence of her sometimes-lover. Franco presents her with a rose and they kiss. Jimena, on the other hand, has come to terms with the gravity of her husband’s condition and realizes that life isn’t always a bed of roses your boyfriend just made for you in your mom’s back yard. When reality leaves us nothing else to cling to, we must run away as Cher so eloquently explained a long time ago…
Juan is fighting his own personal demons as he goes all overseer on the field hands in an attempt to locate Coyote. Call me crazy, but sometimes cell phones and automobiles bring tranquility to emergency situations. Anyway, we, the loyal viewers, see that Coyote is chillin’ with Raquel in some sort of 90’s hiding chamber. They’ve risked their lives for Raquel to tell Coyote that Eva’s life dream was realized and Sofia is supposedly her “real” hija. Then, this other woman who’s obviously had her own share of marital problems/beatings looks around the corner… Said abused/eavesdropping housewife sits in the dark and contemplates what she thinks she just heard. She decides that Sofia deserves to know the truth about her mother.

In a final act of desperation, Eva goes to PadTad for any help whatsoever. Though her problems are many, the solution is simple: “the truth is always obvious.” Insightful, indeed. It’s just that, Root said they aren’t related, and it’s really made her think. That’s a very dangerous sign… “Sometimes, people get confused.” “Thank you, Padre.”

It’s decided, at least for the next few hours, that Jimena is indeed skipping out on her paraplegic husband for something bigger and better in the big city…Tijuana, here I come. Though she was 1/3 of the Mob Squad and ½ the brains of the operation, Sofia encourages her dearly confused sista to find peace elsewhere. Again, when life gets uncomfortable, don’t even attempt to suck it up. Instead, immediately proceed to get packing. Per Sofia’s request, Jimena will hit-up the bachelor(ette) party and then hit the road for good. Sort or revolutionary, you know, this combining of bachelor and bachelorette parties. It will be economically intimate and family only, of course. Strippers and beer kegs are so Puebla, these people have morals…

If nothing else, Juan will always be remembered for rolling his wheel-chair bound, younger brother in circles on his bedroom floor. Seeing that the “play with the cripple boy” technique hasn’t worked, it’s time to play good cop bad cop with Tio Keebler. “Look, you’re a loser who can’t walk, no wonder your woman’s gonna skip town.” “I only want what’s best for my most beloved brother.” “You’re gonna walk come hell or high water, bitch.” Oh, no. I think they cracked him…

Juan calls Ricky out for snooping around his house. Wow, he’s like a hero because he kicked an old guy while he was down, right? Basically, nothing transpires, and then Ricky pretends to shoot him while he mumbles promises to kill Juan and Sofia. If we could only move past the Freudian “cowboys and Indians” stage…

Wow, so if you’re still reading this, Gabi over-does the whole “I’m a frigid bitch” routine with Sofia and tells her she would never go to her wedding because Juan is, among other things, a mistake of a husband. Sofia cries, wishes she were never born, etc. Gabi goes to hit her, enter Eva. PadTad’s pep. talk instilled in her the courage to tell Gabi that Sofia is like her daughter, and if she ever touches her again, she’ll have her ass. Gabi: “if they only knew the truth.” Nick: “would that change anything?”

The bachelor party…is a lot of things. But I do know that my grandparents wouldn’t have been caught dead at that party and they were in love with Scrabble and Lawrence Welk…bring your calculators! All I can say is keep the tequila flowing and give it an hour or two... pass the rum punch while you’re at it…

Like I said, keep the alcohol flowing… I didn’t expect that would happen at one of these upstanding parties, but every party has a back room, and every back room has someone looking for…romance. They call her Root… and in one of the most soft-porn-esque scenes of the series, we see Root saving a horse and riding a presumably drunk or dead Juan into the late hours of the night. If you ever thought you knew what necrophilia was, I’m almost certain, that Root just redefined it. I have so many questions, but we’ll save that for cable… But the doors locked, right? No. It isn’t, and that’s why the three “we’re not getting any so we’ll enter without knocking” sisters came in so not-surprised… I guess the only thing more devastating would be if this happened ON the wedding night… technically he’s still a bachelor…

ULTIMAS SEMANAS!?!?! Hallelujah!!!

Labels: Fuego