Caray, Caray!

More making-out with passed-out persons. Nice. Juan wakes up and is insistent to go get the girls to protect them. Sofia and he argue about who gets to protect the girls.

“Hello Padre. Let me emphasize my ass in your face. Let me curve my back over the couch for you. Let me stretch my arms to the ceiling, giving you the false appearance of double E’s.” No, no. I have come to combat evil, and if that means only half pretending to see you air hump me, we will consider my fledgling self-restraint a success. Apparently Rooty has information which can save Gramps. Salvation and repentance are not sexy, Paddy. She only ruins marriages, not fix them. Seeing that her seductive minutes are numbered, she goes for the “let me lie down and expose myself to you” in a desperate attempt, but PadTad can barely interpret his own feelings, let alone the ultra-mixed signals of an overage, oversexed societal reject.

Speaking of unstable “marriages,” Juan is explaining to Sofia that he never wanted sex with who’s-her-face, it just happened because “they” drugged him. “Ah, I see. I’m confused. That’s why I’m going to make a decision that will change our lives.” Or not really…

Whattayaknow, Jimena still hasn’t flown the coup, and I thought for sure Tijuana was gonna be her big break…

God, what is this? Everyone is having a shitty day around here. Sarita, barer of all things shitty, tells Oscar, who from this point forward will be eternalized as “Cheney” that Jimena is “leaving.” How he didn’t see this from his ever-contemplative state, I don’t know. He wheels away in fury…

I still have no idea who this chick with the painted scar is, but we will call her Shelly. Shelly tells Raquel to face her fears and face her husband. Face…tehe…

Cheney begs Jimena to come back, but she’s nearly made it out the door, and she’s never looking back. He loves her, but she doesn’t know if she loves him. They hold hands.

Gabi tells Hubby that she doesn’t trust anyone around here, not even her own newly-found daughter, Root. Who is “probably getting it on with you [Fernie].” She’s so quick, that one.

Juan is still paranoid that the daughters aren’t safe at the compound. It’s breeding season, after all. Still, he’s content that Sofia “understands” why he was caught with Root. Oscar is sad about Jimena’s slow but sure departure. When he needs them most, the bros. tell him to forget about her because he was a prick from the onset. So he does what they say and decides to fidget with the combination on Fernie’s safe.

Sofia is caught praying in PadTad’s chambers. I always wonder why all the main characters never pray where the normal heathens pray. “Now more than ever,” her kids need a babysitter, and her mother is evil. What should she do? “God is good, child. Honor your mother and father. But it is also written, father: don’t provoke your children.” Does it really say that? Just then he goes of on a preaching rant about parents who are only interested in themselves are evil, and the children are good. So, you’re saying that me hating my mother is perfectly godly? Yes, child, it is.

The nuns are itching to go home and take care of the children. I feel a musical coming on.
Shelly has come to see Gabi. She wants Sofia to know that Gabi isn’t her mother. How sad are you when you hit a blind crippled Scarface? Why is it that the scar changes form and location with every scene? She’s insistent to leave. Oh, her name’s Soledad, Shelly for short.

So even though it makes her an even bigger hypocrite, Sofia’s going ahead with the DNA testing per the attorney’s recommendation. *Putting on my legal/fiscal hat* Never do wills, do trusts. Never leave assets to your children with clauses like “have an heiress on the third moon of the summer solstice then lose it at a waterfall. Taking off hat…

So, naturally, like narcotic/human trafficker father, like narcotic/human trafficker son, Coyote is the “son” of Ricky Uribe. Shelly urges Coyote to accept this and move on. He can’t. So now, like some of the other lost characters, he has telenovela dreams of vengeances, but amateur film abilities of realizing them.

After understanding that DNA was a blood test and not a code for “I killed your sister,” Juan agrees to test the orphans. So will they brand the real kid or what? I won’t even mention how this would never happen in our childcare system. Well, after what was probably the only test Juan ever passed, he gets the results and pulls his crippled brother out of bed by his dead legs and takes him to the bus station. It wasn’t good enough, though. Eva actually had to restrain him in the wheel chair. Something similar happened earlier today when they told Cheney about Guantanamo…

While her parents are arguing about marrying for love or money, Root comes in and blames them for her messed up life. Somebody’s been watching Jenny Jones again… She heads for the bars, while Coyote aims his gun at her. She stands a better chance of crashing into an exploding tree… oh, wait, that already happened.

Not surprisingly, Jimena never made it out of town, and “forgot” something back at the ranch. She accidently kisses Cheney.

Tomorrow: Sofia is “this close” to telling everyone about Root and Fernie. Oh yeah, you all have two days to get out, because I’m now the owner of everything. Root’s going to pay big-time for her adventures.

*Kiddies, I'm exhausted. I'm in over my head with school, and as much as I love you, I can't do this anymore. So, I will do my best to finish my days with FELS, but when it's done, I'm done. Thanks.

Labels: Fuego