Caray, Caray!

-Helen Rowland (lucky Erika, then, it's like she's already married to him)

Bienvenidos al recap of Colunga's Jaw es Para Siempre. Let's see how many more unpleasant surprises are in store for Fernanda this evening.

Franco begs Lili to reconsider taking this trip, and if she does go, he wants her not to leave without saying goodbye. They're both choked up. Franco says she's the most screwed-over person he knows and also the best person. Even Ciro's crying.

Barbie has to cover for her unhappiness over Artemio's plan. She says she wants whatever he wants. She does, however want to know what he's going to do with all the money. He says that's on a need to know basis, but he does plan to read Gonzalo the diary. Well, that's going to be a little difficult. Franco comes back into the office. Barbie says she's got to go, Artie invites Franco to have a seat. Artemio wants to know how Lili's doing. Franco says she seems calm. Artie finds it funny that Lili trusts him. Really, really funny.

Fer tells Aurora that she wants her out of there, especially because she's the best person to find out what Barbie wants with her. And also, she doesn't want Aurora to give Damian any information. Aurora trusts her and says she has since the day they met. The Mother Superior knocks on the door, interrupting the pajama party, and is introduced to Fernanda.

Franco and Barbie leave Artemio's office.

Erika cries over Fernanda's betrayal. I mean, screw Franco--Fer is her BFF. She screams at the picture that being separated from Damian doesn't give Fer the right to steal Erika's future husband. "No se vale" (that's just not done; you don't do that; that's not cricket). Erika weeps piteously.

Fer and the Madre (con) Superior(es facultades mentales que la mayoría de los personajes de este novela*) go back to MS's office. They talk about how/why they kept missing each other. MS says she's realized that Fer is the person Aurora trusts most. Fer is worried about all the different people threatening Aurora.

Venus is pissy with Esteve. She says "isn't this what you wanted?" and says they're going to get it, but HER way. She won't tell him what's going to happen at the party, so if he and Franco want to know, then they'll have to show up. Esteve says he won't insist, he just wants to ask her something on Franco's behalf, since he knows she wants nothing to do with him (Esteve) anymore. Esteve tells her to remember that innocent people are going to be harmed by what she's planning--people like Franco and Esteve, and even Venus herself. That's all he wants from her is to think about that. Venus looks upset and walks out.

Martina walks into Las Animas with the party invitations. Venus pulls one out of the envelope and reads it to Martina. "Lovely Norton y Camilo Elizalde Rivera tienen el honor de invitar a usted y a su apreciable familia a la recepción que se dará con motivo del anuncio de su compromiso matrimonial." A little wordy for my taste, but that's formal invitations for you. It reads: "Lovely Norton and Camilo Elizalde (whose mother's maiden name was Rivera) have the honor of inviting you and your dear family to the reception that will be given for the reason of announcing their wedding engagement." And, seriously, once you've sent invitations saying you're going to be announcing something, then why should people bother showing up? They already read it on the invitation. It's like a rerun. Well, a rerun with an open bar. Venus announces that this particular invitation is going to "la Natacha esa" (that Natacha). Venus is going to get someone (not sure who) to give her Natacha's address by pretending to be a secretary calling from Grupo Lactos. Martina really wants her to cool it, but Venus has had enough of being treated like a washer or a blender-- "something you just turn on and off." To her, that's how Esteve is treating her…he hired her, gave her lessons, she learned it all, then he wants to call the whole thing off. Martina says "donde manda el capitán no gobierno el marinero" which means "Donnie Amanda is the captain not the governor of marinara." No, wait, that's not it…"Where a captain leads, the sailor doesn't ." Or "What the boss says, goes." There's a similar saying on the sidebar (let's see who finds it!). Venus says "yo no me bajo de mi macho!" Meaning she's going to ride that macho man until…oh, no, wait. What is wrong with me tonight! This is a reference to a "macho" being a male animal that one would mount or ride…no, not like that…more like a "high horse"…so Venus is saying that she refuses to stop throwing her tantrum. Martina reminds her that people are going to get hurt, blah, blah, blah. Venus says that's tough because they were planning to tell everyone she was the town ho when it was all over, so what does she care about outing them.

Fer tells the Madre Superior she just found out the truth about what happened with Aurora (that Camilo drugged her and raped her…maybe, I'm still on the fence about whether he actually did the deed). Fer supposes Camilo had some help and she thinks that person not only helped him, but…this is the fault of a terrible woman, her stepmother. The Madre Superior covers her mouth, but come on, she was already thinking it days ago.

Franco fills Barbie in on Artemio's travel plans, but she doubts the reliability of his source, continuing to think that Lili is crazy.

Lili scarfs down her dinner salad and swears (kind of--since she didn't actually say "I swear," just waved her hand in his general direction) to Artemio that she didn't say anything to anyone. Because otherwise she won't get to see the pyramids. Artemio praises her for being intelligent. Sucka!

Barbie thinks its weird that Lili would give Franco this information, but he tells her that's what happens when he flexes his magical jaw muscles and lets glycerine tears of pure dolor roll down his cheeks. Mhm. Ladies Love Cool Franco. Barbie still thinks it's weird. Franco says maybe he reminds her of someone. Barbie still thinks maybe it's a fantasy of Lili's. Franco says if she disappears, their deal is off. He's not going to spare any expense to make sure the Elizaldes get back what's theirs and he'll make sure they know everything she's been responsible for (well, not the old guy down the hill, cause he doesn't know about that). Barbie looks uncomfortable. As she should. Here Artemio's made her bang the old guy for 15 years, bump people off, and wear way too much eye makeup. Now he wants her to hand over all the money and he says she can have Lili, but may actually be planning to take her away. So what's she left with? Well, nothing, as far as Artemio knows. I'm pretty sure nobody from Lactos is going to write her a reference.

Venus is telling someone that it's important to Camilo that this person be at "the meeting". It turns out to be Natacha. Esteve comes in after she gets off the phone. Venus shows him the invitations. He wants to ask her another questions. She reminds him that he and Franco have nothing to worry about. She's not going to "hacer una fregadera" (meaning she's not going to screw them over). Esteve says that's not the question, but thanks for the info. So what's the question. His question is "When this is all over, what are you thinking of doing?" Venus says she's leaving. Why? Esteve says the day after the reception, he's going back home. Would one of you two grow a pair of something already! I'm not asking for a wordy declaration of love in iambic pentameter, I'm just saying…look, you're in a room with a bed, just somebody jump somebody else's bones already!

Franco and Fer run into each other in front of the elevators. She asks to see him in her office after she's heard that he was meeting with Barbie. Fer tells Flor to hold her calls and Gardenia overhears and gets pissy. Has her hair gotten darker? Gardenia assumes they're heading to her office to do it on the desk. Well, sure, just because that's what she would do. Flor tells her to get her mind out of the gutter, people think about other things than romance. Gardenia wonders what else they could be doing in there. Flor tells her to keep her big mouth shut, because she knows what kind of problems it could cause if people find out who he is. Gardenia snits that maybe Fer's already recognized his breath. Flor has had ENOUGH, and in a move I had to go back and watch a couple of times, smacks Gardenia clear across the mouth. Now that was satisfying. Gardenia tells Flor that if she's kept her mouth shut it was out of the kindness of her heart, but she threatens, for about the millionth time, that if they piss her off, so help her, she's going to spill all the frijoles and tell everyone that Franco is really Eduardo.

Fer cries in her office and then apologizes for crying. She tells Franco she's found out something that tops the list of crappy things she's found out about her family. She tells him about Aurora and that Camilo, with Barbie's help, drugged her and raped her. And also that Aurora's pregnant and Barbie's trying to get Aurora to go away with her. And also that somehow Damian is involved in all this. She needs a big hug from him. She begs him not to betray her…"not you, not you!" She does that hyperventilating cry and Franco shakes his head. Not sure how he's going to get himself out of this one.

Erika has decided, in a very Stepford way, that she's not going to cry. Not all is lost. She's going to fight for Franco's love and count on the fact that he's given his word as a gentleman. She'll get her strength from that. And if Fer wants a fight, she'll have it. The extreme closeup was creepy.

Fer whines that she's going to completely lose it if she can't count on anyone. She promises once they've got Lili back, she'll quit bothering him with her problems. Franco's phone rings and he ignores the call from Erika. Fer pretends to be ok and tells him to answer his phone, but Franco says they've got to find a solution. Fer is surprised at the way Barbie is tearing the family to pieces. She's worried Daddy's going to croak when he finds out what Camilo did. And she needs to tell Santi that Aurora is pregnant. Franco thinks they should wait it out until they find out what Damian and Barbie are up to with Aurora. Fer thinks they're trying to get rid of her so that Camilo's crime will go unpunished. Yeah, but doesn't that defeat the purpose of destroying the whole family? Franco thinks she's right, though, but he also thinks Aurora's safe with the nuns. Fer wants to tell Damian she knows all, but Franco tells her not to. He doesn't want to upset Barbie. He tells her that Artemio is thinking of taking Lili out of the country. Franco tells her they're counting on Barbie to keep that from happening. Fer wonders why this is all happening. In reply, Franco pulls out Ana Gregoria's diary.

At the generic bar/restaurant, Damian and Vlad drink to having DNA results soon. Damian has the receipt for the results, which he won't hand over. He says Cousin Jacobo will take on the case and the DNA test and the video will be their proof. Vlad thinks he's the best friend ever and asks him, very sincerely, to be the baby's godfather. Damian says he doesn't deserve it, but he accepts. They drink to it and Vlad calls him "compadre" (literally, "co-parent" as the godparents are responsible for the child's spiritual upbringing; to the child, the godparents are "padrino" and "madrina"; to the godparents, the child is an "ahijado" or "ahijada"; and the parents and godparents are each other's "compadre" or "comadre"; when I was growing up, this was used by my parents and their friends as a way to indicate a close friendship, not necessarily that they were the godparents of each other's children, so it took me a while to figure out the literal meaning). Damian thought bubbles that the weak get devoured in the jungle and now it's Vlad's turn. Oh, that Damian, he's such a sentimental guy.

Erika sits at a restaurant with a pink drink in a martini glass and takes the photo out of the envelope for what I suspect is the hundredth time today at least. Franco shows up and she brushes off his late arrival. She supposes he was busy with the attaché of commerce (and I had to check to make sure, but it was in my last recap that he originally told this lie, so really things aren't moving any faster time-wise, we just have more of it crammed into each costume change). Tee hee. She shows him a travel brochure for a cruise, it sounds like, of some glaciers, Easter Island, and other assorted locations where she'll have to refrain from pushing him over the rail of the cruise ship on their HONEYMOON. Franco looks terrified and I hear the wheel creak as the hamster gets cranking. How is our un-galan-ly galan going to get out of this?

Fer reads all about Ana Gregoria and Abuelo Jeronimo getting it on. She's actually finding it a bit of a turn-on herself, it looks like.

Franco says the trip sounds "fine" and they can make the reservations whenever she wants. The lack of interest is palpable, but as Erika said earlier, she doesn't care. How long will that last before she gets tired of him having a headache every night of the cruise? Come to think of it, do we even suspect that Franco has had sex with anyone? Who? Erika wants to make another suggestion, she says it's silly, but she hopes he'll say "yes." Which, like a dumbass, he does without waiting to hear what it is. She wants a kinda-sorta-joint bachelor and bachelorette party at her family's "finca" (country house) in Tabasco and she wants to invite someone who's vacationed there before…Fer! Ugh.

Fer reads about Soledad being angry at Ana Gregoria because Ana Gregoria wasn't hanging out with her as much. Then she reads about how even Abuela Altagracia noticed that Ana Gregoria wasn't feeling so good and stopped chastising her for not doing such a good job of dusting.

Erika talks about all the fun times she and Fer used to have at the finca…learning to drive a tractor, smoking their first cigarettes, getting drunk for the first time, talking about what the men of their dreams would be like. Erika giggles that every year, her man was different, but Fer always dreamt of the same one. She doesn't remember what the guy was "like" but she knows who the guy was…the cook's son. Erika repeats the story of Fer and Eddie getting busted kissing on the day of Fer's first Communion and Eddie being sent away. Erika laughs that it didn't matter, since Fer wasn't going to marry a servant's son anyway, hahaha! Erika says that Fer sent letters, but Eddie never answered. They toast (Franco is drinking water). Erika offers to show him a picture of a boy they both met in college…Miguel…the only guy Fer would have wanted to be with besides Eddie. He went into economics and is out in Spain working for…I kid you not…Economists Without Borders. Erika suggests they invite Miguel to the finca with them. Franco asks if that's convenient, in the middle of all the problems Fer is having, but Erika says it will be just the thing to cheer Fer up. And, yes, Virginia, there really is an Economistas Sin Fronteras http://www.eurosif.org/member_affiliates/list_of_member_affiliates/esf.

Damian gives Jacobo all the information about Vlad and tells him he wants a clean job. Jake says his buddy is a pro at this, and not to worry. Damian shows him a bag full of money. Jacobo stalls, saying it's going to take some time to study the target, blah, blah, blah. He's using some medical analogy and now says it's going to be an express healing.

Erika goes on and on about how Miguel is just soooo hot and sooooo smart and yet mysteriously single. Miguel and Fer never hooked up, despite Miguel's repeated advances. But Erika's hoping that now the time is ripe, Miguel is coming to Mexico and she thinks he's the perfect guy for Fer. OK, let me get this straight…that photoshopped hottie was into Fer in college, then she came back to Mexico and gave Franco 1 year to come claim her. When he didn't, she instead went for Damian, who she'd just met, instead of looking up Miguel? What. Ever.

Erika is all excited about getting Miguel and Fer together. Franco says it sounds like she's thought it all out. He agrees to inviting Fer and Miguel to join them at the finca. He wonders if Fer will be interested in Miguel. Erika doesn't know, but she's looking forward to playing cupid.

Fer reads about Abuela Altagracia throwing Ana Gregoria and baby Artemio out in a rainstorm. And if this wasn't written down in Ana Gregoria's diary, it would be one of those stories that gets worse every time she tells it…"I was in labor with you for 36 hours and five minutes after I had you my patrona threw me out of the house in sleeting rain with a flash flood warning and lightning strikes every two seconds, and I had to shield you from falling tree branches with nothing by my skinny shoulders while walked barefoot, uphill, and cried my eyes out, so don't you sass me, young man!"

At Margie and Jacinto's house, they eat some tostadas and talk about how Gardenia is soooo stubborn. Margie thinks Gardenia takes after her Abuelo Pantaleon, who was not just stubborn, but also a loudmouth. Margie and Jacinto hear a cat meowing outside, but they ignore it. Jacinto pulls a wrapped present out from the middle of the couch cushions. Margie says it's not her birthday, but Jacinto says it's not really for her. It's a rattle. This is his way of saying he'd like to procreate now. Margie's down with the plan. Jacinto says he just hopes the baby doesn't come out like her Abuelo Pantaleon. They hug. I nominate Jacinto and Margie for Prom King and Queen.

Franco asks what would have happened if Eddie had come back. Erika doesn't think anything would have happened, it was just a childhood crush. And the Elizaldes never would have permitted it. Erika says Fer would have realized eventually the futility of her romance with a hired hand. "Imagine!" says Erika, "It would have been like marrying a country boy like Jacinto!" Lady, you could do worse on this show. A lot worse. And you will. That's where we end it for tonight.

Tomorrow: Erika works on getting rid of Fernanda and Gardenia wants to know what's going on between Franco and Fer.

*Mother with Superior mental faculties than most of the characters in this novela

Labels: manana