Caray, Caray!

Capítulo 47?

We return with a quick rehash of the night past to Merida, the land of rumba and rumbles and of the risqué rich, just as the scurrilous scandals of the lurid Lombardo lifestyle are about to leap from lip to gossiping lip. As Viewerville straps itself in for another ride on the dark side, the Mexi-trash Twins are discussing Bruno’s bed-ability and Maura is advising licentious Lisset that fooling around with a sociopath like Bruno is a dangerously stupid thing to do; Paula is telling Mary Jo about the run-in at the Jacuzzi with Raquel and Roberto and gets a scolding from her big sis for daring to put herself in a compromising social situation by goofing around with a married man; and Bruno is meeting with the newspaper reporter, Saldivar, to give him the salacious scoop on Victoria’s extramarital affair with Antonio Lombardo, explaining how it led to her having his two illegitimate children, one of which is (duhn-duhn-duhn-duhnnn!) he himself.

Bruno gives the reporter the details about the affair taking place while Vicki was still married to Samuel Albeniz and adds that he and his sister are currently getting DNA tests done to prove their right to be recognized as a Lombardo. The reporter notes that this will destroy his mother’s reputation and is curious that this doesn’t seem to bother El Bruto; but Bruto slides right by that with practiced arrogant ease. He ignores him and says he can go with what he has in the gossip column [nota, nota sociedad] and then once the DNA results come out in a few days he should give the story four columns’ worth (twice the normal size for a story). He emphasizes that he is to keep his name completely out of it. The reporter takes offense at this questioning of his professional ethics, then says he’ll have to get his boss’s permission to run with the story because of the Lombardo’s power and influence. Bruno leaves the reporter a thousand pesos for “coffee” as incentive and takes off.

At the lab, while waiting on Raquel to finish her Do Not Ask test, Vicki mentions to Bobo that Raqui told her about wanting to get a divorce. Bobo says he’s objects to the divorce, but it’s not because he’s still in love with her. With his best poker face, he tells her that it’s simply that he doesn’t feel he has a reason to divorce her. (Whoring is obviously not gender-specific.) Vicki asks if Raquel has reasons, but there’s no time for Bobo to answer her because Drama Queen has just rushed back in to complain that she’s had to avoid the (huff-huff-n-puff) supposedly questioning stares of the staff. Of course, she then turns around and immediately makes a big to-do with the nurse not to go spreading tales to the press. This irritates Bobo. “--Why’d you do that? You just gave her the idea!” They quarrel about it on the way out. Vicki rolls her eyes and Bobo shakes his head. He knows by now that he might as well spit into the wind. (Viewerville’s women immediately turn to their significant others to plead for assurances to mercifully kill them in their sleep before letting them turn into anything even closely resembling Raquel.)

At Lombardo, Inc., Alex informs Fernando that Gabriel didn’t show up for his therapy that morning at the hospital. It seems he and Meche grabbed their things and disappeared off the map. Alex thinks they were warned, but Nando is inclined to think they were threatened and ran away. It could have been Bruno, Erick, or even Chucho since Chucho told them they might end up in jail if she came to work there once Alex found out. Fernando then mentions he finally got the ever-elusive judge who performed the sham marriage to answer his e-mails. The guy is about to go on another safari but Nando doesn’t know where. Alex hopes that Bruno doesn’t find out where he’s going before they do. The two discuss the lawsuit and reckon that the judge dealing with their case will be discreet about the results of the DNA tests.

Fernando then mentions he’s coming over to the house later to discuss plans with Victoria for the archeological complex they want to develop. He’s excited just being near her. (I take time out to breathe deeply into my paper bag.) Alex gives him an atta-boy for his persistence. (Sorry, but I say this puppy is sick.) Alex changes the subject then, and tells Puppy Boy that he threw Bruno out and that Bruno rather rudely reminded him about divorcing MJ as part of the deal they struck. Fernando tells him that he has no reason to comply with such absurd demands from crazy Bruno. Alex reminds him that he was desperate and would have sold his soul to the Devil himself. Nando tells him he can’t do it because he’ll just be playing into Bruno’s hand if he does. Alex seems to have a plan, though, and he says that two can play at that game. (Viewerville lets loose with a sigh of relief and thinks it’s about time and then some for Alex to ditch the Marquess of Queensbury for Machiavelli.) “--If he can play dirty, then I’m going to play the same game.”

Back at the Lombardo manse, Pau, MJ and Papi Pedro are merrily chatting away till MJ reminds Paula that it’s time to go home (wherever and whatever that is now). Pau entertains them with another temper tantrum because she knows that this time there’s no way she can avoid having to exchange the luxurious Lombardo lifestyle for Papi Pedro’s pocilga. [cuchitril = hovel/ pocilga = pigsty, both words being totally interchangeable in Paula’s dictionary.] MJ tells her she doesn’t need her arguing with Raquel every time they run into each other. (MJ needs her space and Paula—for all her good points—is a regular pain in the ass when it comes right down to it.) Pau screams that her sister is just being selfish and stomps out of the room. (Hubby interrupts this tender scene with a snicker to remark that Pau would probably machine-gun a bus full of crippled children to stay there.) Pedro says it would be fine if she could stay at the Lombardo’s, but Mary Jo says she doesn’t want him left alone, even though he reminds her that Chucho lives with him now and he is not alone. She keeps the possibility open for later, depending on what happens once Pau moves back in with him. (Ok. So just what does she expect to change her attitude? As the ditty goes, “How ya gonna get ‘em back on the farm once they’ve seen Paree?”)

At the same time, Bruno calls the house to have Zeke pack up his things and have Erick bring them to him at the hotel he’s moved to.

Outside, Erick, gripes to Arturo about Alex firing him and throwing out Bruno. Artie tells him if they were thrown out there had to be a reason, but Erick insists Alex did it just for the hell of it. Buttlick goes inside to help with Bruno’s things.

The Rolls drives up and Raqui, Bobo and Vicki get out. Drama Queen, still fuming, storms off to the chalet. Vicki complains about her daughter’s nasty personality. Bobo agrees and says the problem is that she doesn’t think of anyone but herself. Vicki tells him they need to talk further about his situation.

The first thing Raquel does is call up Uli to bitch about her embarrassing predicament with the results of the DNA test and Bruno’s going public. She’s also having a hissy fit over the fact that Roberto knows about the two of them. Uli asks if he actually said something to her. She shouts at him hysterically that he didn’t mention Uli by name, only that he knows she has a lover. They’ve got to see each other ASAP!

It’s much quieter on the terrace where Bobo and Vicki are discussing his and Raquel’s possible divorce. Vicki is opposed unless they simply don’t get along with each other. (That’s a tactful way of putting it.) He’s agreed, he says, obviously tiptoeing through the pesos here. He skillfully avoids any mention of the truly hellacious relationship they have. Vicki asks why they’ve never had any children. Bobo blames it all on Raquel, saying that in the beginning she never wanted any and then things cooled off, the relationship got rough and stale. In the end, it just wasn’t right. Vicki asks if they could wait with the divorce until things blow over. He can stay in the chalet and she can move back into the main house. Vicki also wants to know if he might have some “female friend” of sorts. He answers in the negative. Just then Paula, MJ and Pedro come outside.

Vicki and Bobo walk up and she gives a warm greeting to Pedro. He laps it up. (If I were Pete I’d be pinching myself and wondering why the Ice Queen’s suddenly melted.) MJ mentions he’s moved to Merida. Pedro and MJ explain the new pottery business that he and Chucho are starting. (Yawn.) Vicki offers to help anyway she can. (That’s reason enough for another pinch.) Bobo offers to take Pedro and Pau back home. After they leave, Vicki offers Mary Jo to let them come back and live there in the bungalow again if they like. Mary Jo says she refuses to take advantage of the family that way. Vicki accepts her conscientious answer. The conversation turns to Mary Jo’s mother and MJ tells her she died when she was about three.

Meanwhile, Fernando leaves the office for home but first he asks Mari where his sister is. Sainte Mari says she had a phone call and disappeared and has no idea where she went.

Nando’s kid sis, who I not so fondly think of as Crotchya, is paying a visit to Bruno at his new digs. From the looks of it, Bruno is looking forward to a little afternoon delight with his favorite juvenile delinquent. They share a little statutory romance and he warns her to be discreet about their relationship. She lies about her chats with Lis and denies ever having done something so ridiculous. In between kisses he persuades her to get him the file of Alex’s uncle, Roman Villavicencio, out of the company archives so that he can use it to win his lawsuit against Alex. “--Lawsuit? What lawsuit?” (Golly geez! Older men are so intriguing……)

Speaking of Alex, he’s on the phone with his attorney. Lic. Quiñones tells him, yes, he can give his money to whomever he wants: a charity, the Church, or any beggar off the street. Alex mentions he remembered Quiñones saying that Bruno might have a card up his sleeve. LQ says yes he did, and then mentions that the judge chose a lab that he trusts, so he doubts the news of their DNA tests will get out.

Pau and Pedro enter the apartment building. Pete’s making excuses for the “simple” accommodations. Pau takes one look around and crinkles up her nose. (It’s rough, but not exactly the roach motel that Meche or Julia live in.) She finds her room and slams the door in Pedro’s face. Chucho winces. She takes one look around her new bedroom and begins to bawl. (That Tequila Sunrise paint job would do it for me. Ugh! Just looking at it is enough to give me a hang-over. On the other hand, what’s to complain about, Pau? He gave you the t.v.) The two men commiserate over Pedro’s parental predicament.

Mary Jo continues discussing her family with Vicki. She tells her that her dad’s not a bad guy. He has just had an unfortunate life. He became both father and mother to the girls very early in his life. Vicki wonders why they visited her mother’s grave so rarely. Supposedly they left his hometown and transferred her mother’s remains when they moved to Saqui. MJ says she thinks he never visited the grave much afterward because the whole experience was too painful for him. Vicki still thinks it’s odd to have moved the remains to Saqui and then avoided visiting the grave. MJ says she hadn’t really thought about it before.

Alex comes back from work. He kisses Mary Jo passionately. (Come to think of it, that Italian hairdresser does know a few tricks. Kudos.) Vicki smiles and excuses herself. He tells Mary Jo that whatever happens, he loves her more than life itself. She doesn’t like the sound of that and says when he says things in that tone she gets frightened, since it usually means something pretty ugly is going to happen. (Probable divorce alert!) Alex says he just wants her to know that he would never leave her. They kiss and hug again.

Meanwhile, Buttlick is outside in the patio area of Bruno’s new no-tell hotel waiting to deliver Bruno’s personal things to him. He hides behind a pillar when he sees Crotchya leaving. The clerk comes outside and tells him which suite Bruno’s in.

Saldivar is now trying to persuade his boss to let him go with the Lombardo story. The boss tells him it’s dangerous. If it isn’t true it will open the paper to a major lawsuit and could lead to them shutting the entire paper down. Saldivar says his source is 100% reliable and the story is true. He suggests that they print it initially as gossip; then when the DNA results come out they can give it four columns. He’s sure the paper will sell like hotcakes and that the story might even go national. His editor demands to know his source or he won’t go with the story. Saldivar eventually gives in and tells him it’s Bruno Albeniz. The editor nearly has a heart attack when he hears it’s Sra. Lombardo’s own son.

Bruno tells Buttlick to go to the company and demand his severance pay. Buttlick says fine, but complains he’s still out of work. Bruno tells him he’ll still be working for him and getting the same salary as before. Bruno tells him to visit his cousin and find out what they’re saying around the barrio about Meche and Gabe. Afterwards he’s supposed to go back to his house and wait for him to call if he needs him for something else. For now he can consider himself on vacation. Buttlick heads out and Bruno calls the front desk with a request for daily deliveries to his room of every national and local paper they can get him.

Back at Lombardo, Inc. Mari is trying to tell Katia that she can’t just up and leave during working hours. The smart-mouth little brat tells her to lay off because she’s nothing more than the secretary there. Alex is the only boss so, “Ubicate!” [Figure it out and get real already!] She could care less about Mari’s bitching. Again Sainte Mari says nothing. Katia tells her she’s going to bathroom to avoid getting coughed on. Erick walks into the reception area as the blond bimbette-in-training walks out sucking on her lollipop. He explains he’s there for his severance check. After Mari gives him directions to Payroll, he asks her who the girl was that just left. He says he thought he’d seen her around the Lombardo’s. Mari tells him she’s Fernando’s sister. He makes a mental note of one more reason to consider his boss something akin to a loose turd.

As it turns out, Crotchya is really down in the archives asking for help from one of the employees to show her where the dead files are.

A bit later, Felipa and Vicki are on the back patio discussing Mary Jo’s mother and the fact that Pedro rarely visited his dead wife’s grave. Felipa suggests that he killed her and then wanted to stay away from her and the site of the supposed crime. Vicki laughs that she’s been watching too much television. Felipa admits she was just kidding around [pura vacilada]. She thinks it’s more likely his wife might have cheated on him or was mean and he only brought the remains back to give the girls a place to pray for her. “If she did cheat on him there was no reason for the girls to have known.” Just then Vicki notices Raquel is changed and walking towards the carport. They wonder where she’s going now. Felipa suggests it’s to see Meowra. Vicki shakes her head in utter frustration.

Raqui starts yelling for Arturo and finds him catnapping on the floor in the back of his cab. She wants the keys to the Beemer and he worries about why he can’t drive her instead. She asks him why it matters. He tells her that they just fired Erick and he’s worried that he’s next. She is surprised that Erick got fired. Artie tells her that Sr. Alex fired him and threw out Sr. Bruno at the same time. She screams at him for the keys and peels out of the driveway. Vicki notices that she’s driving herself. Felipa says, well yeah. Vicki asks why she answered like that. Felipa catches herself and says she was just agreeing with her.

Upstairs MJ and Alex are sharing a little down-time playing board games. She stops and says she’s worried because it’s not the first time he’s made little asides that make her think that something bad is going to happen to them. He fudges a little and says he’s just worried about the problem with Bruno and the trial. She asks if it’s got to do with money and he says yes. She tells him she doesn’t care if he’s a poor man or not. He says he’s still got to defend what’s right and just or his life will turn into a fiasco. He tells her to forget about all that and they begin the smooch-fest all over again.

Across town, Raqui shows up outside Uli’s place and notices Bobo’s car parked out front. She curses and calls Uli’s cell to find out what’s up. Uli’s inside asking Bobo why he’d ask such a question when his cell rings. He tells Bobo it’s his wife calling him. He answers and Raquel tells him they had a date and to get rid of her husband. Uli refuses. He says he brought a friend over and they’re having a pleasant conversation, so it’ll have to wait till later. (I think that’s the gist of it. The CC went out here.) She hisses at him to get rid of both of them. He hangs up on her. She is ready-to-explode impactada. She mumbles to herself about WTF is going on with Uli and then walks away in a huff to wherever she parked her broomstick.

Inside, Roberto demands an answer. “Did you use a condom with Raquel or not?” Uli says he doesn’t remember. Sometimes he did but at other times he didn’t. “What is the problem?” Bobo, he says, certainly didn’t use a condom when he forced himself on her the last time, did he? If she did get pregnant, he sneers, he and Roberto can share paternity. Bobo does not appreciate the tasteless attempt at humor; he calls Uli a shameless S.O.B. Uli doesn’t understand the concern here since they’re both bi-sexuals. Bobo gets mad. “Because you messed around with my wife!” Uli pours them both another drink and mocks him. “My wife. My wife. Heh-heh. How macho-o-o!” Bobo grabs him by the collar and yells at him. “You continued sleeping with her and had unprotected sex!!” [hacerlo a pelo] Uli apologizes for upsetting him.

Bobo gets up and looks around the apartment. “Nice apartment.” Uli lies and says he pays for it all with the money he got from Maura and the Mario Aguirre scam. Bobo says he doesn’t believe him and then accuses him of taking money from Raquel. Uli gets defensive. “So what? You yourself would have done the same!” Bobo says but this is his wife they’re talking about. Uli wants him to calm down. It’s over and she doesn’t really interest him. Anyway, he’s just passing time till his girlfriend returns from Spain. She’s worth a fortune and he’s going to marry her.

Roberto tells him to stop making things up. Uli insists he’s not making things up. He has a girl from his past that he plans to move on. He says she’s always been in love with him. She's half nuts, but he knows how to keep her under control. (I couldn’t catch the next sentence. It was all Chipmunk.) Uli says he’ll never believe it, but it just happens to be Mary Jo’s twin sister. Bobo sucks in his breath as Uli gives him a brief family history of the Samaniego’s. “The girls mother didn’t die. She met a wealthy man and ran off with him. After he died she hitched up with another man. It turns out, incredibly, that Mary Jo and Sandra are identical! As alike as two drops of water.” Bobo’s eyes are like saucers. “Does Mary Jo know about her?” Uli say no and nobody else does either. “Only you!” He told him because he loves him and because he wants them to stay friends.

Back at the manse, Nando is finishing up in the study covering the details of the (yawn) archeological project for Vicki, MJ, and Alex. MJ is thrilled to be able to help with it. Zeke interrupts to tell Vicki she has a call from Dr. Hernan. She gets up and shares an uncomfortable stare with the other puppy-dog in her life before taking the call out in the living room. Alex looks a little sheepish.

Vicki tells Hernan about the trip to the lab with Raquel. He asks her out for dinner and says it might help distract her a bit. (Dunno. A date with this guy would be more like a sure cure for insomnia than for a case of the blues, or is that just me?) She declines politely by saying it’s not the best time to be seen out with a man. He says it would have exactly the opposite effect and their being together would show she has support. He insists and she finally gives in.

Back inside the study, Vicki’s two-legged puppy-dog is pacing around. Alex sighs and says there’s no reason to pretend now since MJ knows about Fernando’s feelings for his mother. Fernando asks MJ what she thinks about it. Mary Jo gives it her blessing and says age doesn’t matter. It’s what inside that counts, yada, yada, yada….. We get the same chitchat about their being able to live in an exotic clime somewhere together. (Damn, that’s so tacky! Tell the truth, MJ. If their May-September romance were such a happening thing, escaping to never-never-land wouldn’t always have to be a part of this discussion, now would it?) Alex fawns over Mary Jo and her lovely view of life. (Time for a Red Bull.) She smiles and tells Fernando that love makes us all invincible. (Hubby gets disgusted and says make it two.) MJ and Alex continue to smooch.

On the other side of town we find Chucho telling Pedro that he can’t believe that Paula would act that way after they spent all their time fixing up and painting the place. (Dunno. Maybe it’s the color scheme, Chuch.) Pedro says Pau does have her good points. He figures the problem is that she just got used to living the good life and now he can’t give it to her. Pedro says then that he’s worried that she hasn’t come out of her room since she got there. Chucho says well, maybe they’re just worrying about nothing and she’s simply taking a nap. Pedro goes into check on her. She’s in bed, pouting and playing possum. He gives her a kiss and walks back out. Pedro is having a crisis of conscience. He feels rotten that the place isn’t up to her new standards, but Chucho tells him to give her time and eventually, when she gets over the tantrum, she’ll get used to the place. Pedro can only hope. Chucho cheers him up by reminding him that they start their new business the next morning. FF>>

Later that afternoon, Crotchya goes back to Bruno’s hotel and hands him over the file he wanted. Bruno kisses her and then dismisses her. He’s got to read through it right away because he’s meeting with the lawyers in a little bit. She’ll have to wait for her “reward” till after.

Outside the manse, Fernando is getting ready to leave and telling Vicki good-bye. He professes his love. She tells him it’s not possible for them. He says it is unless she doesn’t want it to be. Either way, he will always be waiting for her. Felipa walks out and sees him kiss her good-bye. (Totally cringeworthy.) Vicki turns around and asks her not to say a word. Felipa says she won’t, but it hurts her to see her so sad. They share a hug. FF>>FF>>

That night, Alex and Mary Jo share a peaceful sleep. It’s just as well, since the next morning all hell is about to break loose.

Fernando rushes into Alex’s office with the morning’s paper. “Have you seen the news?” Alex reads the headline: “Something very odd is going on in the Lombardo Family. It would seem that the well-known construction magnates have doubts about their background as Raquel and Bruno Alebeniz, as well as Alex Lombardo, were seen entering a genetics laboratory where DNA tests are done. This would suggest that one of them is going to surprise us with a name change.”

Alex throws the newspaper down and wonders how the Hell they found out. “Who could have gotten access to that information??” Cue the cricket chirps. Nando has no idea. He makes a quick call to Lic. Quiñones and asks him if he read the morning paper. The lawyer says yeah, and he’s just as puzzled as Alex about it. Obviously, this is a serious breach and says the judge had chosen that lab precisely to avoid this sort of thing. Alex tells him to get to the bottom of it and fast, then hangs up. He tells Nando that the lawyer doesn’t think it was either the judge or the lab that gave out the information. Who else? They come to the same conclusion simultaneously: Bruno, of course.

Vicky and Mary Jo are having another polite chat when Zeke comes in with the phone saying Bruno’s on the line asking to speak to Mary Jo. She panics and refuses to take the call, but Vicki says go ahead. She wants to listen on the extension. Mary Jo takes the phone and waits till Vicki secretly picks up in the other room. Bruno asks Mary Jo if she’s seen the newspapers. She says she hasn’t and asks why. He tells her that there’s a bit in the gossip column about him, Alex and Raqui going in for DNA tests. “Why are you so mean, Bruno?” “—Because you have to pay for everything you’ve all done to me. –Did the bastard ask you for a divorce yet?” “The divorce? Why?” “—When I gave you back your life by giving you my blood I asked Alex for two things in exchange: his giving up the presidency and divorcing you.” MJ and Mama are both saucer-eyes impactada.