Caray, Caray!

As Viewerville loads up with NoDoz for a rather uneventful evening we return to Merida at Casa de Locos y Lobos, the manor at which lodge our beloved licentious, lazy, and lunatic Lombardo’s. Bruno has returned, unauthorized, to take his mother to the hearing. He’s asked her to publically declare her illicit liaison so that she can legally claim he and Raquel were Antonio’s depraved...er...deprived offspring, and so he and Raquel can thus be (Oh happy day!) officially recognized as legitimate Lombardo’s. While Victoria changes into appropriate attire, Bruno calls his hound of a reporter, Saldivar, to give him the heads up.

Alex, meanwhile, is waiting in the leased truck outside the hospital to see if Meche and Gabriel show up since it’s Gabe’s regular day for therapy. Success! He spies them getting out of the cab with Chucho and runs over to greet them. Surprise! The three are caught in the act arriving in a cab. Alex says hey! Chucho tries to act like he just ran into them by accident. Alex says he doesn’t believe him so not to bother pretending. Yes, Gabe can and should continue his therapy. The four walk inside together.

El Bruto de Bruno finds his sister in her chalet. He tells Raquel to get her heels on and hurry with him to the hearing. She refuses at first because she is embarrassed and says she doesn’t want to be publically humiliated like this. El Bruto warns her if she doesn’t go with him that he will keep whatever she was going to gain financially from the new will for himself. Roberto advises his hysterical other half that they’ll send a summons otherwise. He suggests she might as well give in and go. The threat of Raqui’s being financially cut off is stronger than her sense of shame and she agrees to leave with Bruno. Hubby Bobo, pondering the possible parcel of pesos he’s been counting on, lets out a silent sigh of relief as Raqui races off to catch up with her brother.

Mary Jo comes into the kitchen to ask Felipa if that wasn’t Bruno’s voice she heard a minute ago and why he was there. Felipa explains that Bruno came to fetch his mother for the hearing, and adds his name change is not as important to him as the money he’ll be fighting over once he is officially recognized as a Lombardo.

Vicki, Bruto, and Raqui arrive at the courthouse and are immediately accosted by Saldivar and numerous other ravenous reporters as they enter. Raquel has a fit over being served up as their lead story in the evening news. Bruno’s lawyer greets them and apologizes for the mass of reporters outside, saying he’d tried to arrange for a more discrete arrival. Vicki sniffs and says not to bother himself over it. She throws an accusing glance at #1 Son and says she has a good idea how the reporters found out. Bruno hurriedly herds them into the judge’s chambers.

Back inside the hospital on the way to Gabe’s physical therapy session, Meche explains to Alex why she lied to him and pleads for mercy. Alex asks Meche and Gabe if it was Bruno who gave them the money. Gabe shuffles along while giving him the man’s description. Meche says she is certain it was him. Chucho agrees it had to be Bruno and adds that it wasn’t a coincidence that Erick was the one who suggested the whole deal to them, either. Meche pleads for Alex not to send them to jail and worries about Erick killing them before they ever could make it behind bars. Gabe admits they knew they were doing wrong and says they will go to jail if they have to. Alex tells them he understands their situation and says that he had no intention of hurting them. He tells Gabe to continue with his therapy and once he returns from his trip they will discuss it further. He then wants Chucho to go to Erick’s house with a warning that if he ever tries anything again with these two he’ll have to deal with Alex. Alex gets ready to go, but first sternly warns Chucho that the next time he asks him something he’d better tell him the truth.

Once the hearing is over, Raquel and Vicki sneak out the back way. Bruno’s lawyer tells him that once the judge’s ruling is issued and the name change is granted, they’ll begin to challenge the will.

In the hotel room, Alex packs for his trip to Nueva York. Fernando is raging over Bruno’s messing with his kid sister. “How could the miserable swine get involved with a minor like that?” (This must be a rhetorical question, Fer. You just said it: he’s a miserable swine.) “Even though she denies it, I am sure they slept together! I’ve got a good notion to beat the crap out of him!” Alex says not to bother. He’s wanted to kill him himself for a while, thinking that it would end all their problems, but no, it wouldn’t. He hands Nando the papers giving him power of attorney while he’s gone and asks him to take care of his wife and his mother. Fer tells him he will and not to worry about anything.

That night at home Fernando receives an e-mail from the judge telling him he’s about to leave on his next safari. If Fer wants to join it, he’d better hurry.

Across town Bruno and his buttlick, Erick, drink a toast to his successfully getting his name changed to Lombardo and his chance to challenge the will so that he can finally enjoy what his father refused to give him. Maura and Lisset show up at the bar and Bruno orders a bottle of champagne. He tells them his good news and that he’s celebrating. Erick is still standing there with his drink, listening to the chitchat. Bruno rudely snaps his fingers at Erick and yells at him to scram and find another table somewhere away from them.

Alex is now going through security at the airport. He gets a last-minute call on his cell from Fernando. Of course Katia is lurking on the landing and listening as Nando tells Alex about the judge’s e-mail. He suggests that if they hurry they can catch up with the judge and get him to testify that Bruno bribed him to falsify the marriage certificate; that then nothing will keep Bruno from going to jail. In the corner of the landing, Crotchya is ya-don’t-say! impactada.

Back at the bar, Lis listens while Bruno surprisingly suggests a selfish marriage of convenience with Mau. He says that by combining their two fortunes they could expand the construction company throughout Latin America. Mau is coolly unresponsive and says she’s waiting for Alex’s divorce. Bruno starts slobbering slimy little kisses down her shoulder and arm. (I’m having a cringe attack.) “He’s isn’t a man of his word. He is a coward. He’ll never get a divorce.” Mau frowns and pulls away from Bruno, though Mr. Self-Absorbed doesn’t seem to notice the slight. There’s an inopportune ring on his cell. It’s Crotchya calling. “Excuse me. It’s an admirer.” Mau rolls her eyes as Bruno gets up to take the call.

Bruno finds out from Katia what her brother and Alex are up to with the judge and the photo safari. “He says they’re going to put you in jail!” Bruno tells her to meet him at his hotel in a half an hour and rushes out, absent-mindedly leaving Mau with the bill. Mau tells Lis it had to be something serious for him to rush out like that. She has an idea. She walks over to Erick and tells him she’ll pay him triple (his salary, presumably) if he tells her everything Bruno does. (Something tells me this is the buttlick’s big chance to get even.) Mau gives Erick her phone number and repeats the offer for triple what he’s getting now.

Across town at Lombardo, Inc., Alex and Nando meet secretly with Licenciado Quiñones to tell them what they’re planning to do. They figure they’ll be gone a couple of weeks or so. LQ says fine, just give him authorization to act for Alex once the divorce action is granted. Unfortunately, they will have to meet with a legal notary to do that. Nando is worried about the legality of the marriage if the judge admits he falsified the certificate. LQ says since it wasn’t nullified officially and Mary Jo was tricked, the marriage is still legitimate so there won’t be a problem with the divorce. Alex brings up the woman who witnessed the attempted murder with the 18-wheeler and Erick’s cousin possibly being involved since he drives one. LQ advises them not to spend too much time out of the country getting the judge to agree to testify because they’ll need to be back for the challenge to the will. Fer suddenly decides he’s going to go with Alex because it will be dangerous and they don’t know how the judge will react once he realizes he’s been found out. The only loose end is what to do with Katia while they’re gone.

Mari comes in and tells Alex the notary can’t meet with them till the next day. That means they can’t leave until the paperwork is finished. That means Alex and Fer can’t leave the country till the day after. Their trip to find the judge will have to be postponed for two days. They agree to have Katia stay with Vicki at Casa de Locos. Alex calls MJ to let her know.

Meanwhile, Crotchya and Bruno have Fer’s laptop and are reading through his e-mails from the judge. Bruno wonders how Nando figured out the judge’s user name. Katia mentions the blog as a possibility. Bruno says he’s going to send an e-mail using his own name and telling him he urgently needs to get in touch with him. She warns him that it could be risky because everyone will be able to read his e-mail, including Fernando. (Katia is right. This is not smart on Bruno’s part. He couldn’t take five minutes to walk to the front desk and ask to use the computer in the hotel’s business office?)

Later that night Bruno calls Erick to tell him what’s up and decides to fly out that night to avoid running into Alex or Fernando on the plane. They agree that Erick will stay in Merida and keep in contact in case something comes up. Afterwards, Bruno calls his lawyer to let him know he’s flying out of the country that night and why.

The next morning Bruno arrives in Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic. (Wow! Neat cap! Hope Santa brings me one of those--not!) The Amazing Race-Dominican Republic is on. A driver, Horacio, from “the agency” picks him up at the airport. Bruno tells him he wants to go straight to the “agency” rather than to the hotel.

Back in Merida, Alex and Fernando discuss last minute details with Mari. He mentions Lic. Quiñones will be getting in touch with her about the arrangements for his divorce. This takes her by surprise and he tells her not to say a word about it to anyone. They decide to give power of attorney to Victoria. Nando asks where Katia is. Knowing they were coming, Mari sent her to the third floor to make copies so they’ll be able to get out without her seeing them. Fernando emphasizes that mum’s the word with Katia. (Hey, we’re talking Rose-Mari Woods here. She’d go to the grave keeping their secret.) Alex and Fer head out.

At the same time, Bobo runs into MJ outside on the grounds of the estate. He mentions he found out that Raquel and Bruno got their names legally changed to Lombardo. She asks Bobo who side he’s on. He says neither. She’s curious that he never seems to make decisions in his life. He says he sees their problem as a fight between brothers and feels that Alex is about to lose. MJ asks why. He says Alex is too weak. She disagrees. He says, well, let’s just say he’s conscientious and Bruno, on the other hand, is an animal with neither scruples nor mercy. “He’s willing to even kill to get what he wants. Didn’t he try killing Alex a few months ago?” Mary Jo is surprised he knows about that and asks who told him. “--Dear, one listens, hears, and makes assumptions.” She gets up and changes the subject to Paula.

Mary Jo asks Bobo what he’s up to with her sister because they’re always hanging out together. He laughs at that and explains that she simply reminds him of his younger sister who died from leukemia twelve years earlier. MJ says she’s worried that, even so, Paula might fall in love with him. He laughs and sidesteps the issue by saying he’s not a good candidate for any woman. (Ain’t that the truth!) Just then a black pick-up drives by and Alex and Fer get out. Bobo says he thought Alex had left on a trip. Alex says his trip was postponed and then goes off to speak to Vicki. Bobo and his irritatingly ugly furry zit are left to surmise a bit more.

In Santo Domingo, Horacio is dutifully trying to suggest to Bruno all the great tourist sites they can see. Bruno gets agitated and says he’ll have to wait to see what his “friend” decides.

Back inside at the manse, Vicki tells Alex the whole thing seems awfully risky. Mary Jo wonders what he’ll do if the judge refuses. Alex says he’ll get the judge to give his statement whether he wants to or not. Vicki wonders how he’ll force him. Alex says he’ll figure it out there. Fernando asks Vicki to keep Katia there while they’re gone. Alex has him tell her about Crotchya’s involvement with Bruno. Fernando tells Vicki it seems Crotchya has a crush on Bruno, but more than that, he also thinks they’ve been fooling around. She winces as if to say that was all they needed now on top of everything else that’s going on. Alex asks if Vicki thinks she can control her. Vicki says she’ll try, but adds she really can’t stop the girl from coming and going. She doesn’t have the authority to.

Alex and MJ go upstairs for him to pack and to share a little time alone together. He tells her he loves her and that he’ll be thinking of her while he’s gone. (How many times have they done this now?) MJ says she’s worried because the trip will be dangerous. Alex says he’ll call her daily. They smooch and …..whatever.

Downstairs on the back terrace Fernando and Vicki say their woe-filled good-byes. She’s worried for the two of them. He reminds her they’re grown men. (Now, that is a red flag if ever there was one! Picture it. Every time something major comes up and Vicki worries, he gets to remind her that she still sees him as a kid. Won’t that do wonders for their relationship? Somehow, I think, somebody rearranged the furniture on this guy’s top floor and put it all back in the wrong rooms.) Fer hugs Vicki and then caresses her face. He begs her not to ask him to act as if there’s nothing between them. “We can’t avoid what we feel for each other. It makes me grateful to know I matter to you.” (Grateful??? Geez! Didn’t this pathetic puppy ever date once he hit puberty? As The Hubster said a while back, somebody needs to take Nando to a decent singles bar and get him good and drunk so he could find out what a woman his own age has to offer! “Let him spend a couple of hot nights with a couple of young hard-bodies and then see if he still tries hitting on some nursing home prom queen!”) Vicki tells Nando that of course he matters to her. They kiss. (I’m getting more of the creepy-crawlies again. My hand starts searching for that paper bag. Deep breaths. De-e-e-p breaths.) He gets upset at the thought of her going out with Dr. Hernan. She tries to get him to understand that Hernan is simply an old friend. (Yeah, let’s emphasize that word, O-L-D!) Fer doggedly hounds her to promise him she won’t accept Hernan’s proposal while he’s gone. She does. He looks at her dolefully with those big, round, pitiful, puppy-dog eyes of his. (Sorry, Cuko. I know. I know. Even you have your limits.) Fer whines. “I’ll die if I lose you.” They kiss again. (What a prissy little smooch, too!) They hug. (Blech! I could handle a bit of charmingly crass cougardom, but Nando looks like a sniveling little kid hugging his mommy after getting an ow-w-wie. My reflex to retch for the wretchedly ridiculous here is beyond my control. I am fighting the urge to hit the remote button and change the channel. Even Hubby wants to put his hands over his eyes. He settles for a morose moan. I sacrifice for the night’s recapping duties.) FF>>FF>>>>>>>>>

We beam back to the Dominican Republic. (Good. I needed a change of scene.) Finally Bruno makes it to the agency that arranges tours. He is irritated and complains to the agent who apologizes and patiently looks up the safari that Juventino Romero has set up. He finds out that the tour left early the day before. She can arrange for a guide to help him catch up with the tour, but it will be expensive. He anxiously says he’ll pay whatever it costs. (Viewerville notes the guy hasn’t even stopped to shave.)

Back in Merida, Pedro shows Gabe and Meche the new shop and says they’re only waiting for the merchandise in order to open for business. He explains that Sr. Alex is backing them financially. Gabe and Meche agree that the guy is a saint, if for no other reason than he understood their problem and will not be sending them to jail after all. Pedro agrees his SIL has a heart of gold and talks about all the unique stuff they’ll carry that nobody else will have. Chucho will even make original dinnerware on his own potter’s wheel for the shop. Meche is thrilled. FF>>

Meanwhile, Chucho is back at Erick’s little stone cottage sneaking peeks in the windows. Erick’s gone. Erick suddenly races up in his car. He gets out and screams at the old man. They exchange a few rude “Indio ladino” insults with each other before Chucho gets to the point. [Indio ladino = a slur meaning Indians who adopt Spanish language and customs] Chucho tells Buttlick that Meche and Gabe are back and now Sr. Alex knows what happened to them. If he dares try anything with either Meche or Gabe again Chucho threatens to slit him open [abrir en canal] himself. He walks off and leaves Erick to stew over it. El Buttlick is not a happy camper.

That night at dinner the lady agent tries to entice Bruno with a touristy dinner of D.R. specialties and a description of the private tour she’s arranged for him. He’s more interested in getting himself a sleeping bag, binoculars and a good knife. She explains the safari is going to be a couple days trip through some nearly inaccessible terrain. She adds if he really needs a knife, the guide will have one. He fudges and says he’d like to be personally well-equipped for the trip. She gives in graciously and says she knows where he can find what he’s looking for. Bruno buys a knife that’s got at least a 12 inch blade on it.

The next morning Alex and Fer take the copter to the airport to catch the flight. Alex says he’s worried about the mischief Bruno can cause while they’re gone. Fernando thinks Bruno will be too occupied with his lawyers to cause MJ any grief. Alex says yeah, but Bruno is so evil that God only knows what might occur to him to do while they’re off stuck in the wild. Fer tells him now that they’re committed to finding the judge it doesn’t do any good to drive himself crazy [romper la cabeza] over it. They’ve got to finish what they’ve started.

In Santo Domingo, Horacio meets up with the lady agent and Bruno. He reminds them both that he is in a hurry to join up with the photo safari. She says they’ll go as quickly as they can, but it won’t be as quick and easy as he thinks because the terrain is rugged and a pretty rough trek. Bruno only half listens, then jumps in the truck with Horacio and the two men drive off.

Back at the Lombardo’s, Paula spies Bobo drying off after a swim with Crotchya. He notices her watching them. Pau gives him a nasty look and walks off. Crotchya looks over at Pau and frowns. “--What’s she looking at?” He smiles at the bratty wench, but it’s obvious that he’s a bit disturbed by what just happened.

Inside the main house Vicki, MJ, and Felipa discuss the news that Katia and Bruno are supposedly now an item. MJ stutters as she politely tries to suggest that Bruno is not exactly a suitable match for the girl. Felipa says something like Katia isn’t exactly all sweetness and light herself. She thinks they are two of a kind [son tal para cual]. Vicki is sure Bruno doesn’t take her seriously and that Katia is being naïve [ilusionada]. “He’s going to disappoint her I fear.” Felipa says let him. MJ tries to find the most tactful way of putting her thoughts into words. Vicki tells her not to worry about it and to say exactly what’s on her mind. Mary Jo says she thinks he has to be looking to get something out of her; and that he only gets involved romantically with someone when he can benefit from it. Vicki can’t imagine what he would want from a girl like her, though. Felipa says perhaps she’s trying to learn what her brother is doing because then she could find out about Alex. Vicki exclaims that that would be a horrible thing!

Vicki gets up and tells the others that she’s got to get ready for a dinner date with Hernan. She looks less than excited by the idea. Felipa wonders about Fer’s reaction. Vicki says Fernando and her are not going to happen. “Fernando isn’t for me.” Felipa offers up that the doctor is even less her cup o’ tea. (Man! I agree. Slim pickin’s! Where’s a good Matchdotcom de México when you really need one?) The oboes in the background play their woe-is-me-Victoria theme as she leaves to change. MJ tells Felipa she thought the two loved each other. Felipa says Vicki still can’t get her head around the age thing. Felipa leaves with Cuko. MJ tries calling Alex but his phone is off. Just then Pau comes into the room all in a huff over Bobo and the blonde bimbette she just saw yucking it up together. “Gr-rrr! I just can’t stand that clown, Katia! She’s such a smart-ass! A man-eater! ¡Ay!!” MJ says she realizes Pau likes Roberto a lot, but she’s got to cool-it where he’s concerned. Pau slouches in a chair and gripes about Alex being gone (since obviously that’s why Katia is there). MJ lies that he had to go to N.Y. on business. “It will only be for a couple of weeks and you have to get back to school!” Pau is not in the mood, but Mary Jo tells her they’re going together the next morning to see about her getting re-enrolled.

Alex, wearing a funky straw Fedora (what’s with all the horriculous, horribuglious hats in this episodio?) and Fernando, wearing his funkulous …er…way-cool RayBan sun-gees, have finally made it to their all-inclusive tourist-tastic, happenin’ hotel in Santo Domingo. (Hey, I thought this was supposed to be a drama-filled drudge through the boonies they were dealing with here. Hearing those dramatic refrains in the background as they jump onto their trolley and look at sight-seeing fliers seems pretty lame editing.)

Meanwhile, Bobo pumps Crotchya for info on Alex and Fernando’s whereabouts. She teases him and says she’s not telling. “Sounds like you know but aren’t saying.” (Maybe if he’d slipped some booze in that Coke she’s drinking he’d have had better luck.) She asks him where Raquel is and he says he knows, but he’s not telling, either. They munch on potato chips. (Sly dog.) FF>>

Alex calls MJ and lets her know he’s in Santo Domingo. They tell each other how much they miss each other. (Come on! It’s only been a few hours.) Nothing’s happening. All quiet on the home front so far. They beso good-bye via Bell-tone. Fernando tells Alex they’re only a few blocks from the touring agency offices, so they head over there to see what they can find out.

We beam back to Ulises’ new pad where he and Raqui have just finished a tumble in the sheets. He asks if Alex being gone won’t set the legal proceedings back a bit. Raqui doesn’t think so, but says Bruno will handle it. He asks whether Bruno won’t be a pain about her share of the inheritance. She doubts he will. Brotherly love will win out in the end she thinks. However, just talking about it makes her nervous and so she tries to call Bruno but can’t reach him. She calls his hotel and the clerk tells her Bruno checked out a couple of days ago without leaving a forwarding address. Uli rolls his eyes and smirks.

Crotchya has better luck. Bruno tells her he’s on the road trying to find the judge and persuade him not to let Alex convince him to talk. “I’m sure Alex will try offering him money to talk, so I have to offer him a lot more.” He reminds her not to tell anyone where he’s gone or about their relationship. She promises she won’t. He asks her not to try calling him again, then says he’ll call her when he can. Click. She gets pissed.

Horacio tells Bruno the safari tour group has a couple of days lead and will eventually be taking a ferry over to an island to take pictures. Bruno is emphatic about reaching them before they head over to the island. Horacio mentions a number of spots they can see along the way. Poor Horacio is still under the impression that Bruno wants a tour guide, not just a driver. He doesn’t understand why Bruno doesn’t want to stop and take advantage of all the marvelous sights along the way.

Alex has already changed into another hat by the time he and Fer make it over to the tour agency. (He must have bought a sh!t-load of them before he left.) The tour agent mistakes them for Americans [norteamericanos] because they’re blonde, yada, yada. Once that’s cleared up Alex tells her they’re looking to catch up with a photo safari that a guy named Juventino Romero is leading. She says that’s a coinkydink since there was another man from Mexico there the day before asking to do the same thing. She says she set him up with a private tour and guide. Alex asks what his name was. The woman says she thinks his name was Bruno. Duhn-duhn-duhn-duhnnn! Fer and Alex exchange worried frowns. “Bruno? Bruno Albeniz? Or, Lombardo?” She smiles politely. “--Yes. Bruno Lombardo.” Alex and Nando are I-think-we-are-screwed impactado.