Caray, Caray!

[I was caught unawares as my cable provider went premium digital with Uni. So, now, I guess, I’ll have to also! The recap follows, but it's from what I could make out on YouTube and from esmas notes. If something seems wrong, feel free to add or correct it. –ed.]

Alex and Fernando are still playing Robinson Crusoe while Bruno plays chauffeur for Katia, taking her to her great uncle’s rancho out in the boonies.

Bruno tells the old T.A. (tío abuelo) that Fernando is missing and probably dead and so Katia felt she was better off with him for a while. Crotchya immediately interjects that Bruno is her fiancé and that they plan to get married in a few months. This is news to Bruno! He decides to cut this inopportune visit short and says it’s time to go. Crotcha walks him out. Once they’re alone in the courtyard he asks why she had to tell her uncle that they were engaged! The naïve little twit whines that she thought they were! (I immediately wonder where she’s packed the wedding day paper dolls.) He tells her that with everything on his mind right now, the last thing he needs is to be thinking about a wedding. Little Miss Clinging Vine wants reassurances that he won’t forget her there and will call her every day. She whines that she’s afraid he’s brought her there as a way to get rid of her. He kisses her (after checking for lollipop goo, I’m sure) and says he’ll never forget her; and no, of course he’s not dumping her! He promises he’ll call, but says it can’t be every day. Too much is going on right now. They kiss and he drives off, probably secretly very glad to be rid of her--at least for a while, till she’s useful again.

Inside the main house, the housekeeper and TA have a good cry over Fernando’s untimely demise. “Such a fine, intelligent, handsome young man!” Sob. Sob. He tells the housekeeper that supposedly Fer went on vacation with his boss, Alejandro Lombardo, and they had some sort of accident. The housekeeper remembers then that a Victoria Lombardo called earlier for him. Lombardo? Oh noes! He calls Vicki back immediately. Vicki tells him not to give up hope because she hasn’t. They should meet sometime. Hopefully under better circumstances, yada, yada. Yes. Crotchya’s there. Her fiancé brought her. Who? Bruno. Victoria takes a minute to let that troublesome tidbit sink in. They say their polite good-byes and hang up. Crotchya comes in to the room right afterward.

TA tells Crotchya that he was just talking to Sra. Lombardo who called because she was worried about her. The brat calls her a nosy old whore who treats her son like trash. When the old guy asks how she could dare say something so rude, she tells him how Vicki got pregnant by her lover and that Bruno was the result. “That’s pretty shameless, wouldn’t you say?” The old guy wasn’t exactly expecting his young grand-niece to be privy to this kind of Peyton Place backgrounder, let alone having her mouth off so matter-of-factly to him about it. (Times have changed, old man! Get your groove on!) She struts away while he turns five different shades of red and waits for the old ticker to slow back down.

Time passes. Days go by. The Castaways continue to build their raft. They fish, eat, swim, work on their tans, sleep and dream about home. FF>>

The hearing for the challenge to the will starts a few days later. Vicki corners Bruno right before they go in to see the judge and she accuses him of tricking her over the business with the will. He plays dumb and blames it all on greedy Raquel.

Back at the manse, meanwhile, Mary Jo informs Paula and Papa Smurf, aka Papi Pedro, about her divorce. The good news–at least for Pau—is that Alex left MJ everything as part of the divorce settlement. Material Sis is all smiles. Neon $$$ signs gleam in her eyes.

In downtown Merida at the hearing, Dr. Hernan testifies that Antonio Lombardo was in full control of his faculties at the time of his accidental death and that he never showed signs, in his medical opinion, of being otherwise. Bruno’s lawyers accuse Hernan of favoritism towards Sra. Lombardo since he’s been a family friend for years. Bruno secretly cheers as Hernan is forced to admit that he knew about Antonio’s adulterous affair with Vicki but covered for Antonio. (Like he was supposed to sever his professional or personal relationship over that? Tsk. Tsk.)

Days pass. At a second hearing, the two bribed board members claim that they have proof Antonio was mentally incompetent. They claim he was making absurd business decisions and suffered wild mood swings. Vicki’s lawyers argue that Dr. Hernan’s medical opinion should hold more weight with the court than unqualified observations from Rocas or the other board member. The judge disagrees and says Dr. Hernan’s testimony wasn’t objective due to his friendship with the family. Bruno has a nasty smile on his face. He’s sure he’s got this case in the bag now.

Meanwhile, across town at Maura’s palatial Think Pink! pad, she and Lisset are discussing Victoria’s legal situation. Mau’s worried that Vicki will lose the case without Alex there to take charge of things. She tells Lis that if Alex really is dead, then Bruno had something to do with it. Alex mentioned something to her about his suspicions. Anyway, Bruno’s crafty and Vicki’s no match for him she thinks. It’s a shame Alex isn’t there because she’s sure he’d be giving Bruno a real run for his money.

Back at the hearing, Bruno’s attorneys don’t want to wait any longer for Alex to return. They ask for Alex to be considered deceased and to have Antonio’s will changed and his fortune divided up in equal parts with his other (now) legitimatized heirs. Vicki’s lawyers object, saying they must legally wait for a full year before declaring someone dead. The judge says he understands that Alex left his fortune to his heirs before he went missing. Surprise #1! Bruno is caught-with-his-pants-down-impactado. Lic. Quiñones clarifies to the judge that if Alex is declared dead, he has no widow. Bruno says that’s crazy and tells him Mary Jo is his widow. Surprise #2!! Vicki’s other lawyer informs the judge that Alex divorced her two months ago and gave his entire fortune, all his holdings, and half the house to her as part of the settlement. Consequently, there’s no inheritance to divvy up.

Bruno is WTF impactadissimo! It’s pure chaos now as Bruno jumps to his feet, mad as a whole swarm of hornets, and claims that Alex is either dead or hiding out to avoid the trial. “If he’s really hiding then that is fraud!” (Viewerville is on its feet, cheering and clapping.) He wants justice! Raquel screams at her mother for allowing it to happen. Vicki stares blankly at her and says nothing. Hernan’s watching Bruno’s reaction. He’s smiling like the Cheshire cat who just pounced on a rat seeing El Bruto get a royal screw job. Victoria now defends herself and says she and MJ haven’t heard a word from Alex and are still worried sick about what’s happened to him. Bruno yells “Liar!” The judge calls for order and demands Bruno show some respect for his mother! Bruno zips it real quick. (A second cheer goes up from Viewerville, though there’s a silent hope that somehow he gets charged with contempt and thrown in the slammer anyway.) Raquel jumps up now. (Whack-a-mole, anyone?) She angrily demands that MJ be called in to testify because she doesn’t believe one word of anything Vicki’s lawyer has said. LQ presents the signed agreement to the judge as proof. (Take that, you greedy, grumbling bitch with a bad dye job!)

The story comes out in the papers the next day. Mau reads it to Lis. Mau bemoans the fact that poor Victoria is being touted as a whore while MJ’s gotten everything: the company, the properties and half ownership of the mansion. She can’t believe it’s come to this! Lamebrain Lis, though, is bored with it all. Mau figures Bruno didn’t lie and makes a mental note that he told her Alex was getting a divorce. Lis yawns and heads in for breakfast. Mau goes too. FF>>

Another week or two passes. At the next hearing Mary Jo is there. The judge asks Mary Jo if she and Alex Lombardo married with communal property rights, i.e., share and share alike. She confirms that they did. He recognizes that that being the case, she ought to have gotten only half. MJ states that Alex wanted it that way because they loved each other. The judge asks why they divorced if they loved each other. Mary Jo turns towards Bruno with hate in her eyes. She replies because Bruno demanded it. She stands up and becomes extremely agitated and then lets Bruno have it between the legal eagle eyeballs. She tells the judge that she and her child were at death’s door. She turns accusingly toward Bruno and screams at him. “You were the only one who could give blood! Alex begged you to do it, but you wouldn’t till he agreed to divorce me!!” She turns back to the judge. “Alex, as a man of his word, did it and complied.” (Don’t ya just wonder how Judge Judy would handle Bruno after testimony like that?) Bruno yells back at her that she’s crazy. He swears he did it out of the kindness of his heart. (Viewerville starts screaming at the screen. “Liar, liar, pants on fire!”) Mary Jo answers back that he told her himself what he did to Alex. He turns to his Mama and whines for some emotional back-up, but she refuses. Surprise #3!!! Mama tells him she heard him herself telling Mary Jo what he did! Everybody’s in shock. Bruno screams at the judge that they’re both lying. He yells now that he hates her as much as he hates Alex. (Like “Nannie, nannie, boo-boo!” goes really far in a court of law, Bruno.)

The judge calls for a recess to discuss it with the lawyers. “This new information puts a new spin on the situation.” Raqui rushes over to Bruno in the hallway after and bitches him out for not telling her the truth. He tells her Alex isn’t the only one who can play dirty. “Anyway, this whole hearing has been nothing but a pile of crap!” The crap-meister in chief stomps off.

Back inside the hearing the judge tells the lawyers that he’s not inclined to believe Bruno Lombardo has a case any longer in light of the new testimony. He suggests to Bruno’s lawyers that they convince him to stop before the case becomes any more complicated. In plain lingo, Bruno had better quit while he’s ahead. LQ reminds the judge that even if MJs testimony were false, the divorce settlement is solid. So, there’s nothing to challenge any longer. The judge agrees.

Bruno’s lawyers come out and tell him that Mary Jo’s claim to the fortune is solid and this changes the whole situation. There’s nothing more they can do. Raquel gripes in frustration that nobody knew anything about any of it. Bruno says as far as he’s concerned, Alex is hiding out somewhere and avoiding facing him in court. He wants blood.

Back in Boonieland, Porferio commiserates with his old pal, Nando’s TA, and remarks that the good always die young while the old farts are left to carry on. A minute later Elena appears and greets her ex-FIL with a forced smile. She pours herself a drink or three and chatters on about her current hubby’s terrific work at the clinic. Porfe glares at her. He could give a rat’s patooty about Jorge the Doctor. TA mentions Fer’s supposed death and having Crotchya with him now. Elena remembers her as a little girl with braids or something. He complains that she’s grown up and he doesn’t know what to do with her. She doesn’t care to do much of anything and sits around all day with her phone stuck to her ear like a 5th appendage. Porfe suggests Elena could take her for an ice-cream at the mall or something. TA says she’s a bit old for that, but it wouldn’t be a bad idea if Elena could hang with her for a little bit of female- to-female quality time. Elena struggles to hide a grimace behind a triple-shot of tequila. She says sure, she could try it if that’s what the old guy would like.

Porfe asks about Sandra. Elena gives him a line about her doing fine and says she and Jorge were thinking of going to bring her back, but there’s been no time to because of the demands of the clinic. Blah, blah, blah. Porfe pretty much tells her to cut the crap. He knows Elena could care less about his granddaughter; and her husband, Jorge, might as well not even know she exists! (Lovely old man, isn’t he?) He threatens Elena that if Sandra hasn’t been properly raised and demonstrates otherwise, Elena and Jorge won’t inherit a single centavo from him. As for Jorge and his clinic, it can rot! He stomps out of the room. TA pours Elena another drink. (Easy to see why she’s always got a glass in her hand around the old buzzard!)

Meanwhile, back on Gilligan’s island, Alex goes for a swim and remembers his romantic time in the ocean with Mary Jo.

Elena goes to the clinic to speak with Jorge and tell him what’s just happened with Porferio. Jorge could give a rap. He blames Elena for everything wrong with Sandra. He tells her It’s her problem. Elena caused it, so she can deal with it. The slime-bucket throws her out of his office.

Outside again, Elena calls Sandra’s number but finds out it has been disconnected. She calls one of Sandra’s friends trying to find out if the girl knows anything. (We note the Alice Cooper/Kiss groupie attire, complete with black and blue make-up, scruffy coiffeur, body rings and tats. For a couple of seconds, Viewerville allows itself to sympathize with Elena’s predicament—but only a couple.) The girl is thumbing through fashion magazines (why, when she’s dressed like that, escapes me) and she does not appreciate having her quality reading time interrupted. She rudely tells Elena that Sandra returned to Mexico a week or so ago. She has no idea where she is and no, she doesn’t have her new phone number. Elena’s back to square one.

Mary Jo and Vicki return to the manse. MJ goes upstairs, lies down on her bed and cries. Pau hears her and comes in to see what happened with the judge --and the money. MJ says she doesn’t care. She’d give it all away just to have Alex back again. Pau tells her that’s a lost cause. He’s gone. She needs to realize it and get on with her life. Mary Jo refuses and says she’ll never give up on him coming back. Never!

Across the hall, Felipa has come in to see Vicki and ask about the results of the hearing. Vicki tells her about MJ’s testimony and Bruno’s dumbfounded reaction. Felipa says it serves him right for all the crap he’s pulled. She then convinces Vicki it’s time to face facts about Alex and Fernando and suggests they have a memorial mass there “to commend their souls to God.”

Outside on the grounds, Raqui (definitely the kind o’ gal a guy is glad to know married the other chump) is giving Roberto the low-down on her low-life brother’s reversal of fortunes at the hearing. Bottom line: MJ got everything due to the divorce settlement he signed before he went missing, and they get bupkis. Bobo is let-me-get-this-straight-impactado. They head inside while he gets his head around that and the she-dog howls about Vicki’s complicity in it all. Bobo taunts his other half, saying that Uli will be dumping her once he learns they lost the case. She pours herself a tall drink. She’s dying to know who her supposed competition is. Bobo makes a proposition. “Give me back the use of my credit cards and I’ll tell you.” He goes into the bedroom. Raqui screams at him for being the ultimate jerkwad.

Elena, meanwhile, decides to call Uli for a confab. She tells him Sandra’s back in Mexico now, but she doesn’t know where. They’ve got to discuss it in person with him. He agrees.

Somewhere else in Merida, Bruno has a chat with Erick to tell him about the hearing. He tells Erick his suspicion that Alex is hiding out somewhere. He suddenly changes the subject and asks if Erick knows what’s going on with Paula. Buttlick pulls a blank because he’s not been allowed back to the manse since he got fired. Bruto screams at him to do a little investigating then. “That’s what I pay you for!!” Erick is left to figure out something.

Paula and Arturo are dropping off Gabriel at the mall. Soon he won't have to use his cane at all. Gabe gets out and thanks her for the lift. He decides to apologize for lying about her to the authorities and explains why he did it. She grudgingly accepts his apology. No harm. No foul. But, as she and Artie drive off, she says what those two pulled on her was unpardonable even for God. Art says something like God always forgives. She reminds him that she’s not God.

El Broodo pays Mama a visit to complain about her part in what happened at the hearing. “Alex is hiding out! You know he did this just to get my goat! He’s laughing at me right now behind my back!” Yada, yada, yada…. Vicki ignores him and lets her thoughts about love drown him out. Bruno continues the harangue about MJ having everything and leaving her nothing. He rants on that if she thinks things are bad now, just wait. Without money and all the luxuries she’s accustomed to, life will really be a drag. She isn’t listening though. She doesn’t care. He realizes this when he finally pauses to take a breath. He asks if she’s heard a word he’s said. She says no. She doesn’t want to listen to anything he has to say. “--Well, then, that’s your problem!” He storms out of the room.

More time passes. Another hearing takes place, but this time Vicki and Mary Jo aren’t there. LQ says they’re grieving for Alex and Fernando and can’t bring themselves to appear at this hearing. The judge finds for Bruno and Raquel in that he believes Antonio was not competent when making out his will. Hernan’s and Rocas’ shares will not change. What was left to Victoria, however, is all that can be divvied up with Bruno and Raqui because the divorce settlement is also valid. Raquel is beside herself. She wants to challenge the divorce settlement because, she says, Alex had no right to give away what belonged to her and Bruno. The judge says that, as it appears, Alex was simply securing his child’s future, so the agreement stands. He won’t agree to a challenge of the divorce settlement. (Too bad. So sad. No mon, honeybun!) Bruno isn’t ready to give in so soon. He asks what would happen if the kid is actually his.

At the same time, Elena shows up at Uli’s –or rather, Raquel’s—apartment to discuss the details about the predicament with Sandra. She tells him that she called Sandra’s best friend in Spain and was told Sandra had left Spain over a week ago and came back to Mexico. Uli, a guy who has made living off other people’s credit cards a fine art, suggests they can locate her from her credit card receipts. All Elena needs to do is to go to the bank and explain she’s the one paying the bills and then demand to see a record of the current charges. He’ll do the rest, he says. The doorbell rings. It’s Mau and Bobo come to discuss the latest gossip about Raquel and Bruno. He introduces them to Elena, who then explains that she’s his fiance’s mother and that she has known Uli for just about forever. Mau and Bobo exchange looks. (Definitely an eyebrow raiser.) Mau teases Uli about not knowing who the lucky girl is that he’s been hiding from them all this time. While he and Elena go over to the bar to fix some drinks, Bobo whispers a few of the choice details about Sandra to Mau and says that she’s apparently the spittin’ image of Maria Jose. Mau is elated to have some new and delicious gossip. She wonders if Elena could be MJ’s mother. Bobo just smiles conspiratorially at her.

Back at Casa de Lobos, the rest of the family holds a memorial service for Alex and Fer.

Speaking of Crusoe and Friday, they finally have their makeshift raft ready and set out to sea. Suddenly there’s a helicopter above and they begin waiving and screaming in hopes the pilot will see them. He does. (It’s a good thing, too, because that raft was about as sea-worthy as a sieve.) The helicopter lands. They hug the pilot, who immediately puts the three of them inside it. Alex and Nando give a prayer of thanks as they take off and head back to home and civilization --or what passes for it in loco Lombardo-land.