Caray, Caray!

We began with pinging between Constanza and Mauricio with their respective lawyers which Hombre covered quite well on Friday. The new stuff picks up with Coni conferring with her lawyer. He tells her that she must be open and honest with him. Clearly he doesn't know our Coni very well. She must share with him details of her private life. She wants none of that."Yo tengo el sartén por el mango (Remember? we've had this one before. I have the skillet by the handle, that is, I have the upper hand. I think Emilia understands this phrase well)... besides, Mauricio has no proof of anything." "You never know what details Mr. Sermaño might bring up. Have you been unfaithful too? Do you have a lover?" Coni looks genuinely hurt (we know she excels at this sort of thing), "¡Por supuesto que no! What do you take me for?" ¡Por favor, Coni! Be glad it's not us you asked that of. "I'm not a cualquira!" Uh... Yeah... OK. He nods, "El que nada debe, nada teme, y siendo asi es un pan comida.(He who owes nothing, that is, has done nothing wrong, has nothing to fear. Being so it's a piece of cake, literally bread eaten)." He looks unconvinced, however, and Coni looks worried.

Mauricio is a little more frank with his attorney. He owns up to having been seeing Valentina Lopez but not as Mauricio Sermaño. Looking puzzled the lawyer says, "I don't understand." Mao explains. He tells him that Moni is a champion batamweight boxer. The creation of Furia Enmascarada was in order to be close to Monita. They train in the same gym. "Does Mrs. Sermaño know of this?" "Yes... well, she strongly suspects, but has no proof." He also informs him that Moni has no idea who Furia is. He's kept his identity secret so as not to compromise Moni. Uh, yeah. In spite of all this, he points out, that he has not been unfaithful. The lawyer tells him if he doesn't want to lose everything, his possessions, his money, his children, he must cut off all contact with Monita and give up his persona as Big Bug. "Of course," Mao agrees. Careful, Mao. The lawyer tells him he will arrange for him to be able to see his children. Can someone explain why a lawyer has a bathtub in his office?

At the office, Oscar and Jero each pretend to be keenly interested in anything but each other, studiously avoiding eye contact while alternatively stealing furtive glances at one another.

Oscar ruptures the viscous silence, "Jerónimo, about this thing that happened..." Jero is quick to respond, "Nothing happened." Oscar quickly agrees but asks if Jero really remembers nothing. Turns out that neither remembers anything that happened, therefore nothing at all actually happened. Case closed. Before they have chance to dissect that logic, the subject is quickly changed to a discussion of a lucrative business deal they are pursuing, the acquisition, demolition, and redevelopment of the property that currently comprises our nacos' 'hood. A much safer and more comfortable topic. Oscar observes, as he displays supportive photos, and of course the plans are false, that there's absolutely no reason for Salvador to suspect anything. Jero concurs. Uneasy, Jero once again broaches a troubling subject, "About last night..." Oscar quickly cuts him off, "Nothing happened last night." They both shift uncomfortably and uneasily in their chairs, each wincing from a slight real or imagined pain. We smile.

The door to Ximy's place swings open and she wheels in a beaming Rolu and in one deft motion expertly kicks he door shut behind her.

She possesses the skills of an experienced hospital transport aide. An oddly jocular Rolu confirms, "The best, the best." They kiss. A morsel for thought, Is Rolando manifesting symptoms of Munchausen's Syndrome? They happily kiss. A jumpy Arnie comes bounding down the spiral stairs wielding spray bottle of all-purpose cleanser, brandishing it like a high-powered pistol."Stop right there!" "Arnie, you frightened me!" Ximey reacts, startled. She is lovely in tight jeans and a blouse with short puffy sleeves and a white yoke with winged collar. He is wearing gloves and a protective mask.She and Rolu sniff the air noticing the acrid fragrance of disinfectant. Much like the hospital. He explains that he's been busy cleaning everything... and he means everything, with Clorox,...He ponders the fact that they've been in the hospital and no place has more germs than a hospital (he's pretty much right you know. Certainly the most dangerous germs) He points his weapon at R&X and opens fire. She dashes for cover leaving Rolu exposed in the line of fire. Hmmm... is Ximy really so kookily flawless after all? Ximy starts, and Rolu takes over, explaining his unfortunate mishap. Besides the obvious broken arm, the three falls have resulted in serious back injuries which have resulted in damage to a disc (disco), Ximy misinterprets thinking he's taking about the other, more fun disco. Patiently he diverts her attention to the topic at hand (hurrah for Rolu) Explaining that nerves are at risk requiring risky surgery before he can walk again. He seeks and obtains a commitment from Ximy to remain by his side until he is healed and can walk again."Do you promise?" "¡Sipis!" They sweetly kiss. Arnie reacts with negativity, rolling his eyes. He is not pleased.

Meintras tanto, Aldo is relaxing reclined on his bed. Cell phone rings. It's dad... Mao. He asks about the other children. Aldo inquires about the progress of the divorce and Mao fills him in. He expects the judge will give permission for him to see them if only once or twice a week. Mao promises that "pronto, muy pronto" they will be happily reunited. "Call if you need anything. Hugs." Aldo views the phone momentarily then begins to dial. Hmmm, whom could he be calling?

At home, Estrella searches for el famoso vestidito de piel de tigre; She calls it her battle garb (vestidazo de batalla) , she locates it as the cell phone rings. "¿Principe, qué pasó?" Oh yeah, Mao gave Aldo his phone and got himself a new one. Aldo acts hurt, "What? I'm no longer your cachorro?" He tells her of the mummy dismissing Mao from the house. She tells him that now Monita knows everything. She tells him that there was no way she could lie when Moni confronted her with the facts. She stands and suddenly swoons. Without warning she faints leaving Aldo talking to no one. Helplessly he calls her name,"¡Estrella! ¡Bueno! ¡Estrella!"

Our newly-minted gay couple, Oscar and Jero are meeting with Sal in Jero's office. They are presenting their latest business proposal, that regarding the barrio. "Es un negocio redondo (an excellent business deal)." They present the photos and plans. They've checked every detail. Sal is skeptical."Why the hurry? Why on Sunday? Does Mauricio know of this?" Jero grouses,"We don't need Mauricio, I'm also an owner and president... It's always the same. We try to do the right thing..." The property is abandoned, they tell him. "The only thing living there are cats and dogs and rats." "OK, where do I sign?" He knows this is stinky. Hurrah, the devious duo are successful. Sal slunks off. Elated, they embrace, we glimpse Jero's face react to the realization of what they are doing. Apparently it also dawns upon Oscar how this must look in light of last night. Quickly they separate, embarrassed. Though it's not exactly sensitive or PC, I'm enjoying their discomfiture.

Fortunately Moni has come seeking Estrella and the magic boogying dress and finds her unconscious on the floor of her apartment. She hurriedly kneels over the limp, lifeless body of her carnala (sister, sort of). She runs to the door and frantically calls for help, "¡Paula!" then hurries back and tries to rouse her.

Now for a super-heartwarming scene, Jaui, Katia, and the Femsibs are bonding. How sweet is this? Jacqui is entertaining the three as Luisa arranges Dani's hair as Katia arranges Luisa's hair.

She questions Dani about her Novio. She replies,"I don't have a Novio, I have puras maestras (pure teachers? Help!)" Cute kid. The subject shifts just as Aldo rushes in beside himself. He needs to leave but he knows that the mummy wouldn't approve. Jaqui bigshots it. "I'm in charge here. Go wherever you need to go." She's puzzled however. The older girls are sure it has something to do with Estrella. She shrugs the granny version of "Oh really? Whatever." No fan of Estrella, she doesn't see the attraction. Sensing that the girls share her restlessness she jumps up an suggests "Let's go out!" Dani gives her a sincere hug and she hugs back with the same warmth. Awww. She promises that in less than an hour,"we're all gonna feel super." She forms a conga line and they dance out singing,"♫vamos a la calle!♫" Now that is a granny to conjure with.

At Estrella's, help has arrived in the shape of Nieves, Alicia, and Paula. Three beautiful angels of mercy. The four turn their full attention their amiga. She is seated between Alicia and Nieves. Alicia fans as Nieves offers water. For some reason I'm hearing Three Little Maids From School wafting in from somewhere. Pau is sweeping up the rubble created in Estre's fall. Though Estre says it's probably just a drop in blood pressure, Pau divulges that this is not the first time. Moni thinks that it's high time that Estrella sees a Dr. "¡No! No, no, no! I don't like Drs." Estrella! Thanks! I love you, too. Nieves and Alicia confer behind her back.

Girl talk ensues. Auntie's three days late, as some of the ladies have put it. "¡No, no, no, no estoy embarrazada!" I don't believe that requires translation for anyone who has watched even the smallest portion of a TN. Clearly shaken, she takes a seat as the others are stirred to action. Moni rushes off to get a pregnancy test. Pau, on her knees, fans with a magazine as she sits in the armchair. Nieves notes that she has become more busty (más pechugona). Estre checks her breasts and readjusts her tee shirt. Though this is not the best of prospects for obvious reasons, I for one am relieved. At least perhaps no coma looms in our future.

Sal (who we know is due a heart attack at any moment) and Gabi (who we know will witness it and laugh because she thinks he's faking) are having lunch in an airy restaurant. He is worried and agitated over Jero's and Oscar's planned business venture. He knows (as do we) that they are dishonest and devious and that there is something very fishy about this deal. He fills her in. She asks him if Mao knows about it. "No." She thinks it's strange that she was not included in drawing up the papers. He will investigate further and have the the bank hold up the funds. He lauds her efficiency as a secretary. They kiss. Awww.

Coni's home. Interesting outfit. As always she looks great, but this time, a little strange as well. Black knit blouse, beige shorts, black tights (panty hose?), designer shades, black pumps. She looks like a movie star. The doorbell sounds and she calls for, "¡Mamá! ¡Katia! ¡Niños!" No one else is home and she has to answer it herself. Doncha wish you hadn't been so hasty in dismissing our Teri?

Well, check this out. Jaqui has taken the girls to the spa and they're all relaxing in the treatment chairs, sipping beverages, and getting facials. Including Dani!

Jaqui asks if they're more relaxed. Dani sums it up, "¡Ay sí, relajadísimas!" I've already been blessed with some of the cutest, sweetest scenes tonight and we're just a little over halfway through. Deb and Julia, you have to find ways to stick around. This sort of thing is just too unique, clever, and precious to miss.

It was Beto at the door. He strolls in behind Coni. He is wearing a lime tee which boldly states:

"No soy santo pero hago milagros (I'm no saint but I work miracles)."

Coni scolds him for running off and leaving her last night. Beto is feeling empowered. He declares his masculinity, "I wear the pants, here! Like it or not!" She likes it, but at first he doesn't notice. He insists that she get a divorce and marry him. She softens, drapes herself over his shoulders, then oozes and flows over him, enveloping him in the hembracity that is uniquely Coni. She agrees. At first surprised, now it's Beto's turn to melt, (it's fascinating how these two are putty in each other's hands) "¿Huh?" She proceeds to seduce him by caressing his face and kissing him in a fashion that has him squirming and me starting to sweat even in this freezing weather. Wow! Look at those large, limpid, longing eyes.

Meanwhile, back with Estrella (couldn't we have tarried at Coni's place for just a bit longer?) Pau is still fanning her with a copy of ERES magazine. Her wrist is tiring. She pauses and shakes the cramp off. Estrella keeps insisting that there is nothing wrong with her as Aldo comes flying in, all breathless, "¿Cochorro, Qué haces aquí?" "¡Estrella! ¿Qué pasó?" She urges him to take it easy,"Ya, tranquila." Paula, who is by now a bit exasperated with her friend hands the magazine over to Aldo to continue the fanning (his effort is half-hearted at best). She leaves the two of them alone and Aldo puts down the magazine. He doesn't beat around the bush, "¿Estás embarrazada?" She sighs resignedly, she rolls those beautiful but tired, sad eyes, looking away.

Coni and Beto are still kissing, but wait! He's suspicious. He pushes her back and examine her eyes, those same gorgeous gigantic... sorry, Coni transports me to another time and place. Beto is exstatic. He picks Coni up and swings her around as you would a small child you are delighted with. They kiss. They embrace. he's a bit overenthusiastic and she grimaces and pushes him away. He drops to his knees and kisses her barely blooming fecund belly. He embraces her fertile womb and talks to the little bitty Betito safely and happily nestled inside. He firmly vows that Betito will be born into a "familia, hecha y derecha." He looks up at Coni and says that Betito will walk out in the patio each day and shout to Estrella,"¡Tú no eres nadie, tú no eres nadie!" Coni shuts him up and makes a face. She has no intention of living in that pigsty of a 'hood. "Then where will we live?" She tells him that, after the divorce, everything that Mauricio has will be hers. "Except for Monita." She does not think that joke was funny. He tells her that of course his mamá will come live with them. Coni objects. He doesn't want to leave his mother alone but she points out that she still has the naco with the strange hair. Beto then begins to channel little Betito, crawling on the floor on hands and knees playing with imaginary toys. She joins him on the floor climbing atop his supine form like a leopardess stalking her prey. She grinds into him prompting him to moan, "¡Constancia!" She returns his mating call, "¡Roberto!" Furtively they struggle with each other on the floor until suddenly she recalls, No one's home. She lures her prey into her lair to consume in private. OK, Now where's that cigarette?

Aldo's pointed question disturbs Estrella. There are way to many things that would be working against them. He asks why she hasn't at least done the test. "I don't want to know. I'm afraid, My Little Puppy." He hugs her closely, "What will happen, will happen. Whatever, I am with you." Well hitch up your britches little puppy, you're about to grow up very fast.

Needless to say, it's Valentina la Monita Lopez like we haven't seen her before. She is squeezed into Estrella's famoso Vestido de Piel de Tigre. Her ebony tresses cascade over her shoulders like glistening molten black lava, her lips look as though they've been painted with blood, her eyes are glowing black coals of fire. She is wearing, of course, Tigress perfume which is mingling with her own natural feral scent and enveloping her in an intoxicating, bewitching, stupefying, lethal, invisible cloud... an atmosphere of her own. She is wearing black patent leather pumps with impossibly high narrow heels. They have been described by some of the ladies who hang out at blog B by just initials, CFM shoes (not sure what that means, comfortable finely made?). All in all, not a bad job Monita, I think you've accomplished what you've set out to accomplish. In ♠ ♠ ♠ ♠ ♠

There is a knock on the door, "♪¡Pase!♪ ♪It's open!♪ ♪¡Hola!♪" Let the game begin.

Do I need to tell you who it is? He's in full insectual mode and regalia. His billowing green and gold cape trailing behind, he looks like the drum major of the Baylor Golden Wave Band having just emerged from his penultimate molt. "¿Monita?" Is that really the best ya got, big fella? ¡Por favor! That's OK, Monita has this already scripted. Just go along with it. You're going to feel a little uneasy and queazy at first but once she gets you into her space, it shouldn't hurt a bit. Just be glad she's not of your species, Mr. Mantis. "♪I've been expecting you!♪." Deep breaths Carlos, you can do this. He babbles incoherently, at least I didn't understand nor care, what he said. Monita is desperate for a kiss. From somewhere deep inside the EFVDPDT, she extracts a silky beige scarf. She indicates she wants to be blindfolded for her kiss. "♪¡Besame♪♪¡Besame!♪" she demands sweetly as she lifts the scarf to her eyes. Now, I understand the big plan here, he's to break it off. Swift, sweet, virtually painless. My hat's off to you if you can pull it off, Señor Bug. He starts off well enough. She's sitting expectantly, hopefully blindfolded, on her bed "Monita I just came to say goodbye. Gotta run. Leaving Mexico tonight dóncha know? Good to meetcha! Been fun...

The little monkey isn't quite done with you. She's developed quite an affinity for beneficial insects. Valentina the Vixen has other plans. Monita uses her various techniques of seduction with varying results. Point is however, she is relentless. She decides if he's leaving, she'll go with. She begins to pack. Now Mauricio would be intellectually overmatched by a gifted hamster; he is certainly no match for a phantom summoned from the depths of my pubertal musings with Valentina Lopez doing the driving. He babbles about her friends. I'll make new friends. Her boxing. "Don't they have Boxeadoras in Argentina?" Oh sweet Jesús Lopez, she sits on the bed and channels Sharon Stone. Deep breaths here Carlos, steady boy, steady. They dance around, I'm enthralled, I'm not paying attention to a word they say. Would someone a little more detached please fill in some of the dialogue here, I'm going to take a moment to rewind and watch again...this time without the sound... hey! Where's that martini? Where's my Pall Malls? For that matter, where's the Lovely Linda? Just great. Tres Cosas. Pues, she pushes him back onto her bed... she poises to pounce...

Now ordinarily, beaming back to Coni and Beto is a good thing... well, this is pretty much where we left off except now they're in Coni's bedroom. Both are still fully clothed... I gotta tellya, Miss Teendreams Tigress not withstanding, this is far and away the most sensuous pairing on this show. Sure, Ximena and Rolu are sweetly stimulating, Estrella and Aldo give us a vicarious taste of forbidden intergenerational mating, Luisa and Ivan...well,,, uh, just keep it clean kids, Oscar and Jerónimo and Lalo, ummm... next!; but for downright spine tingling raw bumping of the little cars and all that leads up to that... I present... Constansia & Roberto. He pushes her back on the bed... Uh, what's that? "What did they say?" Who cares? Next!

She has him pinned. She insists that she must have his kisses, not only on her lips but... oh my, is it getting hot in here? ... on her... gulp... body. She rolls off him and begins reapplying the scarf to those gorgeous, dark, sultry... easy boy, you've almost made it... eyes. She doesn't need to see his face. She rolls back over, blind fold in place her breath on his face... he's reached his tipping point, he's had enough. Uncle! Calfrope! I give!... "¡Ya, ya, ya, Monita!" he leaps off the bed and unmasks as quickly as you could peel a banana. She insists on that kiss from Furia Enmascarada. He can't take it he falls on her and she gets that passionate kiss from...Mauricio Sermeño, our very own Grupo Sermaño himself. Symbolically significant, the deflated, empty cranial covering of a once proud mantid lies (or would that be lays, Dr Judy?) limp on the floor.

Dr. Judy... next!

Carlos