Caray, Caray!

Well, the frijoles have been spilled now. Don't worry, though, this story is still full of beans. Max agrees with Mami that Maria is very beautiful. He thinks Mami made a good choice. Vicky is excited to send Maria to do their runway shows in Miami and New York. Maria asks to be excused and Vicky sends her back to the design studio. Vicky comments to Max that Maria's got a promising future and her character reminds Vicky of herself. Max is looking like "Yep, she's about to bust my balls as bad as you do when I'm late to a board meeting. I'm so screwed!"

Maria runs into the bathroom to cry that Max lied to her again.

Vicky notices Max's mood, but he says it's nothing.

Maria ends up out in the hallway, where Antonieta comes over to ask what's wrong.

Nathy rattles her teacup against her saucer terribly because she doesn't think her mail-order lover is going to like her. Milagros says it's either she grow some self-confidence or "vestir santos" (dress saints; idiomatic for "be an old maid" as the stereotype of old maids is that they end up spending a lot of time in church). Milagros instructs her to think positive, remember to look for a guy holding a red rose, and carry three red "cuarcitos" (We've spent the last 15 minutes looking and still can't determine whether it's quartz, quartzite, or some other stone, but it's a very deep red that I wouldn't normally associate with a quartz. Mr 5ft further objects that it looks smooth, rounded, and polished, also not normal for quartz. We give up) in a little pouch and stick it in her bra. They see on a chat show that Guillermo is replacing Osvaldo in the miniseries.

Osvaldo watches the same program, where the hosts blame it on both the failure of the movie and on the incident at his house. They kindly encourage him to call the program to discuss things, so they can offer their most sincere support. Not.

Antonieta assumes Vicky must have made Maria cry again. Maria says that Vicky has been behaving herself. Antonieta next guesses it's something to do with Max.

Max thought bubbles that he wouldn't blame her if she never believes in him again, after all the lies he's told.

Pippin finds Antonieta and Maria in the hallway. He starts to tear into them, but Antonieta tells him to back off. Maria says she's not feeling well and asks him to forgive her.

A tall gorgeous hunk of Afro-Latin male enters a café with a pink rose and asks Nathy if she's Nathy. Say yes, say yes! She says no. (Boo! Hiss!) Hot Stuff breathes a huge sigh of relief and says that's good, he was supposed to be meeting some bodacious babe. Suddenly he's a lot less good looking. And that's a pink rose, you wanker! Way to follow directions. He decides he'll wait, since hot babes always make you wait. Yeah, you just hold your breath until I call. Nathy runs out crying and he wrinkles his forehead like perhaps he had a split second of awareness that women who don't decorate the interiors of magazines might also have feelings.

Max runs into Maria outside work. He wants to talk, but she says there's nothing to explain. He just needs to leave her alone and she doesn't want to see him again. Max's logic is that he didn't lie because Victoria isn't his mother. Oh, so she's only your mom when it's convenient? You just spent a very bad day being heartbroken because your extremely bratty sister threw it in your face yesterday! Max, you are a rat bastard. I'm breaking up with you!

He continues to argue that she's his stepmother, his mom died when he was young, and he barely remembers her. Maria doesn't believe him and gives back his rhinestone-encrusted heart. She gets into a taxi.

Os tells Vic that it's been all over the news, but he's not going to drown himself in a water glass over it. Vicky gives him an "atta-boy!" Ossy has been thinking of getting his little hellspawn a gold watch for her birthday. Vic reminds him that Fer was hoping for a new car. Os has finally caught a clue and says Fer is too immature for a new car and he's already made up his mind. She's getting a gold watch. He fails to realize she's also too immature to appreciate that and will throw it on the ground and stomp her foot. Mark my words!

Bratzilla is up in her room, talking to her boyfriend on the phone with the music up too loud bragging that she's getting a new car for her birthday. She wants tattoo boy to bring his dad, aka, her mother's rapist (just in case anyone's forgotten) to the party because her mom is just dying to meet her bratty daughter's loser boyfriend's family. Wow, you know, I think I might have some issues with spoiled rich girls.

Victoria is an idiot. She tells the accountant to go buy Fer a car as a surprise. He's more than happy to carry out her stupid bidding. Antonieta points out that this is bound to cause trouble with Osvaldo. Vic says that Osvaldo will just have to understand that the car is Fer's dream and he'll get over it. Wow. Just. Wow.

Osvaldo's driveway is being staked out by reporters. He stops to talk to them. He denies that his career is over. He reminds them that it's the investors who get final say over casting and says his career will continue just as it has for the last 20 years. Having stopped long enough to be polite, he then asks them to let him by, as he's in something of a hurry.

Linda blames Nathy for not giving the Veracruzano a piece of her mind. And also for not bothering to fix herself up, dressing badly, and wearing huge glasses. She tries to talk her into getting some color contacts. Maria comes in, crying, and says that Max lied to her again, and he's Victoria's son. I can't dignify Linda's lack of facial expression by saying she's impactada. I don't even think she's calculating at this point, unless she punched in "2+2" and then couldn't remember where the "=" is located.

Fabian tells Max "I told you so" and Max agrees with him. He's going to go find Maria and convince her that what he feels for her is real. He admits to Fab that he loves Maria, like, for realz!

Linda found the "=" button, and tells Maria to make up with Max. She also realizes that Max will one day be her stepson. Osvaldo calls from outside the apartment and Linda takes off, but not before she tells Maria that while Maria might like sitting around and crying, Linda prefers to go have a good time with Ossy. Linda hopes she can get something out of this date. Besides a reputation as a skank?

Antonieta thinks it might be a good idea to at least give Fer the car for some other occasion, rather than risk upsetting Osvaldo. Vic cries that she wants to give Fer what she can't give to her other daughter. Her little MARIA. What has become of her? Is she loved? Is she mistreated? Vic can't bear to think of her out there, DESAMPARADA. And so she's going to fix it by giving Fer a car. Makes perfect sense. She repeats again DESAMPARADA. Ooh, who gets the award for most stupid this episode? Max or Vic?

Nathy can't stand to see Maria this way. Maria can't stand to feel so DESAMPARADA. She wishes she had her mother with her right now, so Mami could tell her what to do and console her. "Why didn't they love me? Why'd she throw me out of her life?" Maria can't understand it.

Bernarda closes the curtains and hides her stash of cash in her safe. Bernarda the loan shark. That's fitting. I wonder if she does the kneecap busting herself? She chats to God that she loves her son, but she's not going to finance all his helping of people who actually need it. Pfft!

At the hospital, a doctor checks on the sick kid and tells Padre JP they need the equipment to operate. Padre JP is heartbroken that he can't get the money for it. His mom was his last resort and she's flat broke.

Tiburonarda (that's "tiburon" [shark] + Bernarda) evicts some poor people for not being able to pay rent. She's got a couple of suits behind her with paperwork. She tells a crying woman that she's not a charity! She tells the woman's kids (?) to hurry up as they walk by her carrying stuff out of the house.

Osvaldo takes Linda to a jewelry store. Wait, wait…he's taking his wanna-be gold-digger girlfriend on a shopping expedition to buy his daughter a gold watch for her birthday. Show of hands--who thinks Linda's going to parlay this into some bling for herself? Linda says chicks dig Ossy way more than Guillermo. Os says Guillermo has his fans. Os feels like Linda is encouraging him a lot. Linda is falsely surprised that Vic doesn't "echar porras" (cheer him on) and says it means she doesn't love Osvaldo as much as she says she does. "If I were your wife, I swear I wouldn't leave your side for a moment! Especially not now when you're feeling so sensitive." A store employee comes over and asks to help them. Osvaldo points out a gold watch and asks the guy to wrap it up as a present. Linda oohs and aahs over it and says his daughter will just love it! She oohs and aahs over a little charm bracelet and acts surprised when the sales guy allows her to touch it with her own dainty little hands. Osvaldo says she can have it as a present. She coos a lot and throws her arms around him in thanks. Now, I ain't sayin' she a gold digger. No, wait…I am.

So here's what all of Linda's eye batting and chest thrusting brings up for me (skip this paragraph if you have no interest in my personal life): I have a strict policy of maintaining my marriage by means of never forgetting to date my husband. I do my best not to take him for granted. I roll my eyes and smile fondly at his love for zombie movies and bad sci-fi. I at least point out to him when certain metal bands come to town and offer halfheartedly to accompany him to their concerts (and I'm ever so grateful when he turns me down). I pick up things at the grocery store that I know he likes, but he never picks up for himself because he knows I can't eat them and he doesn't want to leave temptation lying around. (Of course, after seventeen years of being together, when it's the millionth time those damn little hairs are left around the sink after he shaves…what can I say...I'm no saint!) I'd like to think my efforts pretty much guarantee that some little Linda-esque tramp with a fetish for hot nerdy guys with nearly-six-figure incomes (shh, let me dream) is not going to steal my man. It also helps that he's kind of clueless and if someone cooed at him about how pretty a piece of jewelry is he'd probably look up from playing Sudoku on his phone just long enough to say "mhm" and that would be the end of it. Believe me, I've tried! And that's all for this installment of "5ft Latina's Guide to Marital Bliss."

Max catches up to Maria near her place to tell her he can't live without her. She doesn't want to hear it. He accepts that he screwed up. He loves her, he adores her, he needs her forgiveness, but she can't forgive him. He lays a guilt trip on her for not being able to forgive him and says maybe her soul isn't as big as he thought it was. Oh, shut up, you big lying liar!

The sacristan comes running to Padre JP and the other guys in Wood Shop that the kid in the hospital has taken a turn for the worse. Padre JP says all they can do is pray. He tried to raise the money, but he just couldn't and they can't save Manolito with out the machine. He goes off to change clothes and visit Manolito and tells the other guys to keep working without him. Once he leaves, the sacristan suggests to the other guys that they start making some tables, chairs, whatever they can, and sell them to get money for the equipment to operate on Manolito. The guys get to work.

Max won't leave until she listens to him. Maria is too upset and says she promises they'll talk another day. She runs to get on the bus and he screams that he won't quit till she listens to him!

Padre JP has just missed that same bus to get to the hospital to see Manolito, but he runs into Max, who offers him a ride in his silly plastic car.

Bernarda is disturbed (period, end of sentence) by the insistent ringing of the doorbell. She remembers that Tomasa has gone to do the shopping and grumbles that she'll have to answer it herself. Before she can, Maria comes running in, telling Bernarda that she needs a mother's advice and only Bernarda can give it. Before Bernarda can warn her off, Maria grabs her in a giant hug. And then Bernarda's heart grows three sizes, she fesses up to all her evil deeds, Maria is reunited with her real parents and the show's over. The end.

Or not. Vic tells Antonieta that the other day at church, she saw JP AND his evil mother (said as if there's another word after it), and so she ran out. But Maria Desamparada saw her. "What relationship could be between them and that girl?" Well, Vic is going to find out.

Maria changes her mind and says that Bernarda is sick and she shouldn't be burdening her with her problems. Bernarda tells her to sit down. "It's a man, right?" Maria has to confess that it is. "I gave him my love and my trust and he deceived me." "Yeah, guys suck like that." She advises Maria to burn his house down. Kidding, kidding! She says those men need not only divine punishment, but punishment on earth…even if one has to deliver it with one's own hand! Okay, seriously, I did not think she would go there! Maria is shocked. Bernarda says she's only telling the truth. Careful, your crazy is showing.

At the hospital, Max and Padre JP finally introduce themselves to each other. Padre JP wants to chat more, but right now he has to see how the kid is doing. He asks Max to pray, because only a miracle will help. You know, Padre, sometimes asking a different rich person for money helps too. Like, perhaps, the nice boy who gave you a ride in a car that clearly screams "I have a substantial amount of disposable income!" Just a suggestion.

Bernarda tells Maria that she has to be careful and never trust men or their sweet words. Once they get what they want, they sneak out in the night. All they do is lie and deceive! She says she never had a bad experience, but, um, her best friend, yeah, had her heart broken by a married man with a kid who abandoned her while she was pregnant. Yeah he was a bad man…WAS because he died in a fire with his wife and kid and he's definitely rotting in a fiery HELL. Or so she thinks.

Manolito asks Padre JP if he's going to get better. Padre JP advises praying to God, the Virgen, and his guardian angel. Manolito agrees that will help because he's a good kid and only bad kids get punished. Oh, Manolito, I don't know what to wish for--if you live long enough, you'll find out that's not how the world works. Padre JP excuses himself and cries in the hallway.

Maria figures that despite Bernarda's talk, she must be a saint to be the mother of a priest. Tomasa comes back to the house. Maria reminds her of someone, but Bernarda says that can't be. Maria takes her leave and says she's got to go visit sick kids. She agrees to come back and visit Bernarda often. "If you're looking for a mother, you've found one in me." Maria gives her another hug, further infecting Bernarda with her sunshine, rainbows, and happy puppies vibes.

Back at the office, Max tells Fab he's going to finish up some work. Fab hasn't seen Max suffer like this over any other woman. "Do you think she'll forgive you?" Max has some hope, since she said she'd talk to him later and she always keeps her promises. He calls the apartment and one of the gals tells him that Maria is at the hospital. Max goes running out. Dude, are you gonna donate a bunch of money to get back in her good graces? Well, worse things have been done.

Padre JP prays for a miracle to save the kid (is it Manolito? Manuelito? Martincito?) The kid gasps for air, telling Maria that he doesn't want to hurt anymore. She says the meds will kick in soon. Max watches from outside the room as she sits in bed holding him. The kid asks Maria if she'll be his mom. She agrees she'll be his mom and take care of him and never leave him.

Max sees the doctor and asks to speak to him.

The guys from the church sell their wares. They explain that it's to help a sick kid and a customer coughs up some more cash.

Max gives the doc money in exchange for anonymity and being kept informed of the kid's progress.

Padre JP comes back to the kid's room. He finally got to sleep. Maria doesn't want to leave him and says she'll stay all night. She's afraid he'll get worse. Padre JP says he's been praying for a miracle. Maria is sure his words get straight to heaven, since he's on the guest list, and his prayers will be answered. Padre JP kneels at the foot of the bed to pray some more.

The doc comes in and tells Padre JP he has to see something. They leave the room, leaving Maria with the kid.

The machine has just been delivered. It's in a cardboard box outside the hospital. Padre JP is in shock and cries with gratitude.

Maria can't resist and sneaks out to see what's going on.

Padre JP is thanking the Virgen for her "bondad" (generosity), and God for granting them a miracle. Maria is tiredly grateful to see the big cardboard box.

Maria sneaks into Musketeer headquarters, stopping to pull the covers up over Linda. As she's taking off her shoes…

Max is working on his laptop…

She looks at the picture of them…

He looks at the picture of them…

She turns the picture so she can't see it? Thanks God, and pulls the covers over her head.

Max works.

Maria sleeps.

The next day, Maria and Padre JP wait anxiously for the results of the operation. Padre JP is sure after the miracle, the kid will be ok. Padre JP doesn't know how they ended up getting the machine. They just need to be grateful and that's it. All the parish kids come running in with the sacristan, asking how Martincito is doing. They show him what they earned selling their furniture. Padre JP is glad to see all these punks demonstrating generosity and a community spirit. They say it's all down to him. They're all struggling to keep the volume down.

Max is in an adjacent hallway. He sees the doctor, who gives him a nod and a smile as Martincito is wheeled by.

The doc tells the Padre, Maria, et al, that Martincito has been saved. Hugs all around.

Sweet William Levy in a kayak…that's the end of this episode

Tomorrow: Max wants to propose marriage; Fer has her party; Linda is eaten up with jealousy and plans to crash the party.

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