Caray, Caray!

Part I: In which Cruz gets told off, María M takes off, Vic and Bernie face off, and LindaHo gets stood up.

The FerBeast has had enough of the Cruz Robles Riding Academy for one day. She demands that Cruz help her down from her horse, (preferably without touching her). When she is finally out of the saddle and on her feet, he leans in as if to kiss her, then teasingly pulls away leaving her with nothing but air. Well the joke’s on him! He can walk back home, she tells him, cuz she’s not driving him.

María Desamparada watches Max at kayak practice. [Not that I’m not complaining, but a little of this goes a long way] He’s distracted. We’re distracted. She keeps her concentration like a champ.

LindaHo sets out to buy a dress for her tryst with OsvaldHo. She’s undeterred by Os’s failure to answer his cell, she tells Nathy. He must be with his witch of a wife.

Don Napo thinks it’s pretty funny that the FerBeast got the better of Cruz. But he warns him he’s playing with fire and if he’s not careful, he’ll get burned. (This cliché is a running gag, I think. Everyone will get a chance to say it before the novela is over.)

Cruz suspects that Milagros is onto Linda. He and Napo are unsure what to do. They’d like to warn JuanJo that Linda is a skank but they don’t want to break his heart.

The FerBeast laughingly tells Gaby how she put Cruz in his place. He needs to learn that social classes still exist. Gaby reminds her that classwise, ScuzzyBoy is lower than a pregnant ant. Fer corrects her. That was yesterday. Today his father has a cool depa, and he has invited her parents to dinner. How can her mother say no to the Padillas now? They are movin’ on up!

Max still has his shirt off. He paddles over to María, kisses her hello and introduces her to his coach, who now understands why Max seemed distracted.

Back in the barrio, Linda wiggles around in front of Nathy and admires herself in the new dress she picked up at the Skank Barn – a long clingy, blue polyester number with serious cleavage fore and aft.

Down the hall at Millie’s, everything is ready for Linda’s birthday party. The table is set with all manner of Jalisco specialties. JuanJo, his friends Sr y Sra Preggers, Cruz and Millie herself are all anxious for the guest of honor to arrive.

Max gets out of the kayak and he pulls María towards the manly expanse of his bare chest, water-dappled, lightly bronzed, and warmed by the sun… sigh… Oh. Sorry. He and María smooch while the other kayakers cheer them on.

As Os drives along, he thinks about Victoria and their amorous encounter. He still loves her but she doesn’t give him enough of her time. He sucks thoughtfully on his pacifier.

Vic stares in the mirror and thinks about Osvaldo. She needs to tell him the truth -- He doesn’t deserve to be deceived, she thinks. [Yes. Yes he does. He deserves that and much worse. But spit it out anyway, woman, so the damn plot can move forward!]

Os parks in front of his rented love nest. Just as he gets out of the car, Fer tools by in her little toy convertible on the way to the mall, spots him and runs up to him happily. She wants to join him but he tells her he has an audition and actors aren’t comfortable having anyone watch them at try-outs. No problem, smiles Fer. I’ll just wait for you in my car.

Now wearing her new blue Seduce-a-Shmuck nightie, Linda dances around the love nest, eager for Os to arrive. Too bad. No joy for you today, LindaHo. Os rushes in, explains that his daughter is waiting downstairs and he can’t stay, much less take her out. And he is out the door. Linda is miffed, with a capital P. It’s her birthday!

Max and María kneel in church before the image of the Virgen de Guadaloupe and promise each other fidelity and love.

At the Casa de Modas, Oscar and Vic are going over the preparations for the Miami show. Vic criticizes the design of the invitations for the event. Oscar explains that the graphics department was only following Toni’s instructions – and by the way, where the heck has she been all day? And there are still many details to be attended to. Vic brushes him off icily saying she personally will talk to Toni.

Before Oscar leaves her office, he asks if anything is wrong. He’s never known her to let anything get in the way of her preparation for a fashion show before. She will only tell him that she has something very important to take care of.

Fer and Os are doing lunch and she is sooooo happy to be with her daddy. It’s been a long time since he lavished any attention on her. Os and Vic spend so much time working that sometimes she feels very much alone. But they used to spend more time together as a family, she says.

It feels like something has happened, as if he and Victoria don’t love each other the way they used to. He tries to explain: love matures, it changes and sometimes it ends (se acaba). You mean you don’t love my mother anymore? (¿el amor se acabó?) No, that’s not it, he says. Like any couple, we have problems. But please know that whatever may happen, I’ll always love you, Fer, and I’ll always be there for you.

Max and María are still in the church. Osvaldo knows about their engagement, he tells her, and he is supportive. And Max repeats what he told his father: he is going to remain faithful to María, just as Os has been faithful to his mother. Uh oh. Let’s hope not. María can’t look Max in the eye. He asks what’s wrong. She will only say that whatever may happen, remember that she loves him.

[Well. Pase lo que pase, sea lo que sea, le pese a quien le pese, at least we’re learning a few subjunctives in this novela.]

María is on her way to Linda’s party. Max asks if he can come along.

Vic arrives at Toni’s and learns that María Magdalena walked away while Toni was in the shower. Victoria’s reaction? She flies into a rage and slaps Toni’s face. Whap!!! Seriously. She hauls off and slaps her only friend right in the kisser and wails: I’ve lost my daughter again because of you. Toni sobs. [And Victoria wonders why MaríaHo is afraid of her.]

María Magdalena is back with the scorpion guy in the pigsty, still spilling out of her gold supergirl corset. She doesn’t want anything to do with her new-found family. She’s afraid it’s all a trick to send her back to jail. But el Alacrán tells her these ricos are ripe for picking. And Doña Bernarda, being the priest’s ma and all, is going to be the easiest one to manipulate. And they’ll be rich! rich! [Wow. Turns out the scorpion is as stupid as he is mean. Poor MariaHo.]

Vic apologizes to Toni: I’m an ingrate; you’re my only friend. No worries, says Toni. We’re more than friends; we’re sisters. And we’ll find María Magdalena again. She’s probably back with that savage. They hug. They cry. We grit our teeth and soldier on.

The gang at the party takes Max in warmly. María D’s novio is always welcome here says Millie. Max corrects her. I’m not her boyfriend. (Yo no soy su novio.) The smiles fade. What the….??? [By the way, he attends the party bare-necked.]

MaríaHo – now spilling out of a hot pink corset – and el Alacrán are in St. Bernarda’s parlor. He’s eyeing up the joint. Bernarda, meanwhile, has been in her private quarters grooving to the Plastic Ono Band. Or maybe she’s been plotting Victoria’s complete and utter annihilation. I’m not sure, I get the two confused. Anyhow, now St. B rolls in with her posse, Fausto and Eva.

Back at Millie’s, Max lets the other shoe drop: He’s not María D’s boyfriend; he’s her fiancé (prometido)! And they’re getting married very soon! The chill in the room is replaced by a warm naco glow. Smiles and intros all around. (The small crowd has grown a bit even if the guest of honor is still conspicuously absent.)

Meanwhile Padre Juan Pablo arrives at Bernarda’s doorstep. Eva is instructed to hide MaríaHo and Scorpion Guy while Fausto goes to let in JP. (The padre is walking with a cane so apparently he suffered more than a little scratch on the forehead.) He’s come looking for the newly disappeared María M. Bernarda feigns ignorance and appeals to Eva to confirm her lie. No one here but us weirdos. Fausto lurks and listens.

Vic and Toni are in pursuit of María M. Vic is determined to protect her from the Scorpion. She gets a call from Fer – you remember, Fer, right? her actual daughter? – who is letting her know she won’t be home for lunch because she and Scuzzy are eating out. As usual, mother and daughter end up squabbling over ScuzzBoy.

Bernarda tells Juan Pablo that if María M has disappeared again, it’s God’s work. [That would be God spelled B-E-R-N-A-R-D-A]. Just one more proof that Vic is a bad mother. But JP’s not there to badmouth Vic. He’s only trying to find María Magdalena. Bernarda has one of her convenient Spells, clutching theatrically at her chest, but refuses JP’s offer to call the doctor. No no no no no! She’ll rest, she’ll pray, and she’ll drink some water.

Back in the Hood:
When he hears someone at the door, JuanJo rushes to open it, expecting LindaHo. My darling, my love, how wonderful you’re here he says. And then he finds himself staring at Nathy’s mortified face. Oh. It’s you, Nathy, says the big dumbo without even trying to disguise the disappointment writ large on his homely features . Come in. (Someone needs to smack him upside the head.)

JP asks one more time if Bernie is sure she’ll be all right. She’ll be fine, she tells him, with one hand still placed dramatically over her heart.

At which point we must pause, gentle reader, and we ask ourselves:
Which Juan is the bigger doofus?
a. JuanJo for believing in LindaHo?
b. Or Juan Pablo for believing in his sainted madre?

But I digress…

No sooner is Juan Pablo out the door, than María M and Scorpion are summoned back to the parlor for interrogation. Tell me why you escaped, demands B. MM confesses she was afraid Vic was going to send her back to jail. Don’t worry, says St B, you’ll be safe in this house. And MM says she trusts her. [And now we start to ask ourselves if maybe she really is Juan Pablo’s kid. She sure is dumb enough.]

Bernie wags a finger at el Alacrán, then takes a couple of hefty wads of bills out of a box on her table and hands them to him. He can visit MM, she tells him – MaríaHo’s pimp is always welcome in my home -- but he has to be discreet about it. El Alacrán is thrilled. María smiles and cracks her gum. And Bernarda turns away, seems to vomit a little in her mouth, and then rolls her eyes and executes a perfect eyebrow sweep.

JuanJo asks Nathy where Linda is. Uh… she’s not home, answers Nathy. Thinking fast, she says: I’ll have to give away her little secret – she went shopping for a dress for the occasion. The crowd relaxes while Nathy and María retire to a corner and fret about The Linda Problem.

Napo toasts María D and Max. Small talk about babies and weddings. Yada yada yada. And finally. Linda graces them with her presence. She is wearing the long blue polyester number, perfect for afternoon parties in the barrio. Or soirees in the Red Light district. JuanJo thinks the wait was worth it. It’s a minority opinion.

Max surprises everyone by formally asking them for María’s hand in marriage. They are, after all, like family to her. Milagros gives him her blessing.

Back at his church, JP tells the older priest that he’s surprised by his mother’s change of attitude. She’s left behind her thirst for revenge and now she wants to help María Magdalena. God works in mysterious ways, intones the older man.

Vic and Toni talk about how hard it is to be a mother – and how hard it is to be a woman.

María M is to stay in Bernie’s guest room. Fausto and Eva must make sure she doesn’t go out. Victoria’s daughter is a demon, she tells them. Bernie has to keep María in her house to save her soul. If she can’t save her soul, she’ll have to keep her locked up. Or even better, burn her alive. Fausto looks down and tenses his jaw slightly; Eva looks sideways at Bernarda.

Toni and Vic are back at the pigsty looking for María M. Vic knocks on the door, but no one answers. Then her cell rings. It’s Bernarda. Don’t bother looking for your daughter, she tells Victoria. I have her and no one will take her away from me.

Naturally, Bernarda’s words bring Vic and Toni to her doorstep. They muscle past Fausto and into the parlor where Bernarda and María M await them.

Oh my. In the brief time she has been in Bernie’s house, MaríaHo has been Bern-washed. She wants nothing to do with Victoria. She accuses her of abandoning her in the street – Doña B has told her all about it. Vic tells her it’s all a big fat lie. She didn’t abandon María, she lost her. (Yo te perdí -- Which sounds weird and misleading in English, as if she had misplaced her like a set of car keys. )

For once in your life, tell the truth, retorts Bernie. Tell your daughter that you didn’t want her because she was the child of sin so you threw her out in the street like garbage.

Now Toni speaks up. She is a witness that Vic never stopped looking for MM; she was mad with grief when the child disappeared. But the girl doesn’t believe a word of it. If Vic had wanted to, she’d have found her.

Vic begs MM to come back to her office where she has proof that she has been searching for her all these years. But Bernarda warns MM not to be taken in by Vic’s words.

How can you, a mother, be so determined to break the bonds between mother and child? asks Vic. You dare to ask me that, thunders B, when you’ve always tried to separate me from my son. Well you’ll never succeed. First, because I’m right. And second because God is with me.

Fausto puts a comforting hand on Eva’s shoulder, they look at one another, and Eva puts her hand on top of Fausto’s.

María M spits out her scorn at Vic and walks away from her. Bernarda repeats that this is Vic’s punishment for lusting after the wrong man. (Just like you did, huh Bernie?) Vic tells her she won’t get away with it:
Yo para recuperar a mi hija soy capaz de todo!(I’m capable of anything to get my daughter back!)
Leave and don’t come back, says B. Don’t come back here unless I ask you to.
(a menos que yo te solicite).


Part 2: In which LindaHo plays Os like an accordion – she knows how to squeeze him and exactly which buttons to press; and Nathy gives up her reputation to spare JuanJo’s feelings.
Millie’s party is still in full swing. She tells the gang she’ll soon be in business selling her famous tortas ahogadas. Applause applause.

Then JuanJo takes the floor. He has a big surprise for Linda. She closes her eyes and when he tells her to open them, there it is: a big, ruffly, sparkly white wedding dress. In fact, it looks a lot like the one she tried on for Millie, a real Linda La del Barrio number. Nathy’s the only person who seems to notice the furious look that darkens Linda’s face.

At Televisa, Os confides to Guillermo that Victoria was out all night. That fact combined with Bernarda’s phone call (she told him Victoria had a lover) makes him uncertain. A priest’s mother wouldn’t lie, would she? Well…

Pedro joins them and asks if Gui has told Os his plan yet…

Nathy covers her friend’s sullen silence by saying:
¡Le gustó tanto este vestido que se quedó sin palabras!(She liked this dress so much it left her without words/speechless.)
Milagros loves all the sequins (lentejuelas).
María says she’d be the happiest bride in the world if Max took the trouble to choose a wedding dress for her. It's a deal, he says – he’ll do just that!

¡Beso! ¡Beso! ¡Beso! the guests cry out and sour-faced Linda rises and permits JuanJo to place his lips on hers.

Sra Preggers announces that Nathy will be her baby’s godmother. More cheers and applause.

Back at Televisa, Os is surprised at Gui’s proposed plan:
¿Asociarnos para comprar un teatro?(We’d form a partnership to buy a theatre?)
Os thinks it’s not a bad idea but he’d like to talk it over with Vic. Gui mocks him, implying that only a wuss would need his wife’s permission. Os had better decide fast or Gui will find another associate. [Right. Like crowds of rich dudes are lining up outside Televisa begging Gui to take their money. Act now!]

JuanJo has one more big surprise for LindaHo -- A birthday serenade! Cruz enters singing and accompanied by a mariachi band! Linda sits and sulks. Nathy holds the wedding dress and tries not to cry. Everyone else sways and smiles and sings along with the music.

At lunch, ScuzzyBoy tells the FerBeast to make sure her parents are coming to Papa Padilla’s dinner tonight. He also keeps trying to sell her on a quickie wedding. So far, at least, she’s not buying.

Vic and Toni are back in the chauffeur-driven car. Vic is sobbing over Bernie’s latest dirty trick.

More singing and dancing at the birthday party. Linda blows out the birthday candles [which sparkle with pixie dust for no discernible reason] and they all eat cake, goof around and dance some more. Clueless JuanJo is ecstatic. Linda looks like she could use some PeptoBismal. And poor Nathy shuffles around holding the wedding dress.

Now back at home, Os phones Vic to discuss Guillermo's proposal. It would mean selling his shares in the Casa de Modas to raise capital to invest in the theatre. She shuts him down completely: it’s not a good time to talk about it and besides, it’s the wrong time to sell! He reminds her the shares belong to him and if he feels like selling them, that’s what he’ll do. He hangs up angrily.

When Vic complains to Toni that she can’t count on Osvaldo’s support when she needs him, Toni reminds her that Os doesn’t know about Vic’s troubles so it isn’t right to judge him.

Night falls in the barrio. The party is winding down and Max, like the other guys, is showing the effects of his tequila. They notice that Nathy is missing. Too bad, cuz Max wanted to say goodnight to her. María explains that Fabián invited her out for coffee. One final toast before calling it a night: ¡Arriba los bomberos!
Now Vic is back home too and feeling bad about the way she spoke to Os earlier. It’s not his fault she had such a terrible day, she says and then adds: Why don’t you come to Miami with me and I can make it up to you? He answers with some bitterness that he’d love to enjoy himself with his wife but he’s not interested in going as the lapdog (de perrito faldero) of the great designer, Victoria Sandoval. She can go alone!

Max and María are in the bedroom of her apartment. He wanted to see it because he wants to know everything about her. What was she like as a little girl? The days in the orphanage are a blur of sadness and longing, she says. As for her mother -- as hard as she tries, she can’t picture her mother’s face. All she remembers is a ragdoll she played with (una muñequita de trapo); and that she could say her name: María.

Victoria takes a small, worn ragdoll from a drawer, thinks of her lost daughter and asks the Virgen how long she is going to be punished for falling in love with the wrong man (de haberme fijado en un amor prohibido, lit. for having set her sights on a forbidden love.)

Now for any viewers late to the party, Victoria’s orgy of self-pity is an excuse to reprise the whole damn story, starting with the days of the giant braids. [OK. Deep breath. We can do this!]

♫♫ It was twenty years ago today ♫♪♪

Vic gives a small, carved crucifix to Juan Pablo as a farewell gift before he leaves for the seminary. [And we see how hot he looks when he’s clean-shaven.]
They do it.
He leaves the next morning as she watches and weeps.
Months later, Bernarda finds out Vic is pregnant, and slaps her around until she confesses that Juan Pablo is the baby’s father.
Vic appears to go into labor all alone, outside somewhere at night.
Her baby is born (perhaps in the Cruz Roja?). It’s a little girl and she names her María.
By this time, Toni is her BFF.
Toni has her own tsuris: her hair is a frizzy mess and she has no money for product.
Vic has no one to leave her child with so she brings the infant María to work with her in Padilla’s dress factory.
Even back then Padilla was pond scum. He rapes Victoria.

Three years later:Both Vic and María are nearly run over by a car that comes out of nowhere. We know that Bernarda was not only driving, she was aiming. But Victoria does not.
After the “accident” Vic wakes up in a hospital bed and Toni tells her María is gone.

Twenty years later:
Victoria meets María Desamparada at a benefit show for orphans.
Vic’s big braids are gone; interestingly, MD has little ones. (Braids. I’m talking braids.)
María D impetuously hugs Victoria and both are oddly moved. La llamada de la sangre. But the coverage must be lousy – maybe they use ATT -- because the call is dropped!

Now we’re out of Victoria’s head and back in María D’s bedroom. María, she repeats. She remembers that she knew her name was María. She turns down Max’s offer to help her find her parents. After all, they abandoned her so they must not have loved her. He tells her if she ever changes her mind, he’ll be there to help her.

Woo hoo! Nathy really is out having coffee with Fabián. They are both all smiles talking about the book she loaned him – he thought it was marvelous! [I love this scene. Tragedy-free. Well, unless you count Nathy’s hair.]

Max & María D kiss goodnight and he asks her to walk him to his car. This scene is doubly weird because:
a. Max is much too drunk to be driving (unless he and María spent waaaaaaay more time in that bedroom than I thought.)
b. Why would you leave your girlfriend alone in the street at night? There are some shady characters around. In fact, on her way back inside she bumps into one of them: Osvaldo. He takes advantage of their meeting to explain about that embarrassing scene with Linda in the apartment but she cuts him short. She knows all about it, she doesn’t approve, but she has no right to judge them. And she has no intention of telling anyone about their affair.

María goes inside the gate and Linda comes out ready for the real party to get started.

Unbeknownst to Linda, Milagros is heading her way carrying a brown paper bag and mumbling to herself about forgetting to buy bread for breakfast. Then Milagros sees something that makes her jaw and her shopping bag drop: Linda and Osvaldo making out in his black SUV parked at the corner of the block.

She leaves the bag on the sidewalk and walks away. She looks so dazed that a kind neighbor has to help her back to her apartment where JuanJo is waiting for her. [The jerk. Letting his old mother go out alone at night.] She tells him what she saw but he refuses to accept what she is saying. She must be confused. I don’t believe it, he repeats over and over. He walks out the door and meets Nathy in the hallway. Where’s Linda? he barks rudely. She stares at him. He kicks her apartment door open and asks the startled María: Where’s Linda? He repeats what Milagros told him. Do you know anything?

He then heads outside to find out for himself. If Linda is cheating on him, she’s gonna pay! The girls try to stop him. They delay him and tell him it couldn’t have been Linda that Millie saw. By the time he gets past them so he can see for himself, Os’s SUV is gone. And Nathy pipes up: It was me! I was the girl your mother saw, not Linda! I said I was going out for coffee but really, I was meeting my lover!

JuanJo’s homely expression changes from rage to scorn [or I imagine it would, if he had any facial expressions]: I’m disappointed in you, Nathy, he says. I thought you were different!

So let’s examine the weirdness of this scene:
a. Why keep JuanJo from finding out the truth about Linda? Isn’t it better to know BEFORE the wedding than AFTER?
b. What would be so bad about Nathy kissing a guy in a car? Millie doesn’t know the guy is Osvaldo. He’s just ‘un tipo’. And Nathy’s not the one who’s engaged to Dumbo. Are they all such prudes that kissing earns a girl a scarlet letter? If that’s the case, what are they going to do to María when she ends up alone and pregnant (as we all know she will)?
c. Why in the world does Nathy say she has a lover? Why couldn’t she say she had coffee with a boy and he kissed her goodnight?

Onward.

Os parks the SUV so he and LindaHo can talk. He doesn’t believe she’s really getting married. She’s just playing him, he says. She makes a show of reluctance when he suggests going to their depa, but shuts up fast when he says he has a surprise for her.

JuanJo tells Milagros that the woman she saw was Nathy, not Linda. Milagros is surprised but she then seems to believe the story. Gah!

In their apartment, María asks Nathy why she took the blame. Was it really to save LindaHo’s worthless skin or was to keep JuanJo from suffering?

LindaHo shows Os her engagement ring. It’s nothing special, she knows, but it was given with much affection. Then Os pulls out his gift, also a ring but worth, like, a gazillion times more, and tells her it is also given with much affection. And it proves he didn’t forget her birthday. Very nice, she says, but he can keep it cuz she’s not fooling around. She’s only here to tell him that it’s over between them. And it’s not for lack of love. It’s because he has no time for her, he won’t allow her into his life. JuanJo is prepared to devote himself to her. With you, someone or something else always comes first -- your daughter, your wife, your job. Well now I’ve had enough!

I never lied to you, says Os. You knew I was a married man. And you knew I was in the public eye and had to be discreet.

She replies: So divorce your wife and marry me. You’ve said many times that you’re unhappy with her. If you want me, you’ll have to leave Victoria!

In her bedroom alone, Vic recalls the earlier scene when María M allied herself with Bernarda and treated her with such scorn. Max comes to see her. Oy vey, he says, again with the crying! Tell me what’s going on already! She can’t bring herself to do it. The truth is so complicated and difficult, she fears it will only make them even more unhappy.

LindaHo is back in the barrio. She opens the apartment door with a big smile on her face and finds Nathy sobbing. Now everyone thinks I'm a slut, wails Nathy, because I told them I was the one kissing Osvaldo Sandoval in his car. Huh? Say what? Linda doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

Nathy explains that Millie saw Linda and Os and told JuanJo about it. Nathy took the blame so JuanJo wouldn’t know the truth. Then what’s the big deal? asks Linda. Nobody is really interested in what you do. It doesn’t affect anyone. Well it affects me (a mí sí me afecta) answers Nathy. They all think I’m the worst of the worst, especially JuanJo.

Linda flashes her feline smile. Ah, she says shrewdly, then you did it for him, not for me. Listen honey, it’s your problem, not mine. You fix it! [LindaHo is probably right, but it’s still ok with me if you hate her.]

For the last 12,894 scenes Victoria has been either very SAD or very MAD or both. Now she is very very BAD. She enlists the help of crazy, cheating Ximena in her plan to make Max as miserable as the rest of the Sandoval family. She asks Xi use the time in Miami to do whatever it takes to ensnare Max and get him to marry her. Ximena is happy to oblige.

Max calls María to say goodnight and they recite the lyrics of their song to each other: A partir de hoy… Smiles and sighs.

Cue the kayak and pass me the tequila!

Labels: triunfo