Caray, Caray!

Uh oh…so far I'm liking this one…let's see if I can still bring the snark….

In the refrito, when Doña Carmen says that the blood of Lucrezia *cough* Borgia's *cough* dad is also in Alicia and Ivan, Lucrezia replies "and who knows who else's!"

Ivan and his cousin chat about girls in the awkward way that only two adolescent boys who really don't know jack about girls can.

At the fancy-pants private school, one of the other girls tells Maripaz that boarding school is really a great place to hook up with guys. Maripaz has a thing for the gringos. Just keep your hands off mine and we're square.

Alicia thinks she's gotten free of that jackass Juan Jaime, but Celia is doubtful. "Juan Jaime doesn't forget snubs!" Alicia now waxes rhapsodic about how Gerardo is just sooooo nice and sooooo dreamy. Sadly, I'm beginning to think Ivan must have gotten his brains from his jackass dad, cause mami seems woefully lacking in the common sense department. Celia asks if Gerardo's looking to get a little something on the side. Alicia claims she's totally over the married man thing, fo sho!

Ivan sneaks around, watching Maripaz's birthday party. He chats with the puppy about how Maripaz is allegedly his girlfriend because he kissed her, but there she is hanging out with all her friends. The gardener surprises him talking to the dog, Pipo (short for "Felipe," don't ask me why; I had a cousin Felipe we always called Pipo), but Ivan says the dog just listens, he doesn't talk back. The gardener asks if he plans on taking first prize in math here like he did at his old school, and Ivan, showing off his diamond-hard ego once again, says he will. They are distracted by the guests singing Las Mañanitas for Maripaz.

The scene switches between her pink cake to a blue cake for Camilo and everyone singing to him. Celia insists the boys blow out the candles together since Ivan turned 14 last week. Man, that is one blue cake!

The boys sneak out later to the red light district. So much for my efforts at lip reading, it's too dark! Basically, older bro tells the boys they're not getting laid since it would be too expensive for both of them. He tells them not to "chivear" (get embarassed). This is a friend's house. I think Ivan asks if she's a "puta" (prostitute, whore) and older bro's like "duh!" He tells the boys that he told everyone they were "enanos" (little people), then says he was just kidding. He knocks on the door and tells the older woman who answers that Angelina is expecting them. The boys go into the living room to wait and Ivan admires the upside-down San Antonio painting (this is supposed to help women find husbands…a little optimistic for a working girl, no?). Angelina comes in and we are spared any further details of this night's misdeeds. If, in fact, there were any.

In the kitchen the next morning, Ivan is scarfing down some breakfast as the gardener asks when the school term ends. "Friday" mumbles Ivan around a mouthful of food. He gets scolded. The other maid says while the family leaves town, she's going to ask for some vacation time.

Ivan runs outside to ask Maripaz where they're going, "Estados Unidos," and for how long, "What's it to you?" Well, it does matter to Ivan, cause he's in luuuuuuuuurve *snort*. He offers to do her math homework, since she sucks at math (ah, I think I'm beginning to see the resemblance to his mother after all). Maripaz fills in a few more details about the trip. They're visiting a friend of her mom's and she's probably going to stay and go to boarding school. Ivan is willing to admit that he cares that he might not see her again and Maripaz says she cares a little. If we were talking about her lip gloss and not Ivan, I might believe her.

It's assembly day at school and sure enough, Ivan takes the prize for math.

Five months later, Lucia comes running up to Ivan on the lawn to tell him that Maripaz sent a letter. She said she gets lots of homework at school and she might not come home for Christmas because she wants to go to a camp and learn how to ski. "Ski? What for?" To pick up rich gringos, dude. Try to keep up.

More time passes and Lucia and Ivan hang out by the pool. Lucia tells him her parents are kind of pissed that Maripaz hasn't come home once since they sent her to boarding school. Here's a tip: if you actually want to see your kid, don't send them to boarding school. They commiserate about missing Maripaz (Seriously? Why?) and then start splashing each other with water from the pool.

Ivan runs with the dog, who has now grown up enough that I can tell it's a doberman. Ivan then grows up enough that I can tell he's David Zepeda. Hubba hubba. This is years later, and the maid uniform Alicia is wearing is now lavender. She calls Ivan inside to eat his breakfast before it gets cold. As he goes inside, he runs into Lucia, who now bears somewhat of a resemblance to Natalie Portman. Natalucia tells him that Maripaz is finally coming home. She's going to spend the summer (and get knocked up). Ivan pretends not to care, but Natalucia isn't buying it. She chases him into his room. He's on his way to school for the day. She asks him to take her out on Saturday. He won't do it unless her mom gives permission, which she wont. Lucia just wants some time alone with him. To talk. Uh huh, talk, riiiiight…. Ivan offers to get a tub of ice cream and take it out to the back garden and he, she, and Pipo can eat it. Is that ok for dogs to be eating ice cream? And for young impressionable girls to be sitting out in the back garden on a Saturday night eating ice cream with David Zepeda? I dunno. I think I should chaperone. And someone should accidentally on purpose lock Lucia in the bathroom on Saturday afternoon.

Alicia is cleaning one of the guest rooms when Lucrezia Borgia and Carlota walk in, talking about how Maripaz is coming home and needs her own room. Lucrezia nominates this one, and so she tells Alicia to clean EVERYTHING, the floors, the walls…she doesn't want a speck of dust left! Alicia good-naturedly tells her frickin' no-good HALF-SISTER "yes ma'am." Lucrezia doesn't like the curtains and wants to replace them, but Carlota reminds her they don't have money to burn. Lucrezia Borgia says that's all her fault, her and that useless man…she turns on Alicia and says "aren't you supposed to be doing your chores? You have nothing to do here! Get out of here!" Having a little problem with our short-term memory, are we Lucrezia? Alicia leaves the room as Lucrezia calls her a "metiche" (gossip).

Alicia runs into Gerardo in the kitchen and fills him in on Lucrezia's plans. She says Lucrezia's "excited" and wants everything to shine. Wow. She is way too nice for her own good. Gerardo supposes that means more work for her. "It doesn't matter. I like to work!" Oh, and little birds dress her in the morning too, I'm sure. Gerardo thinks they won't be able to see each other as much now that Maripaz is coming home (what the what? A little clarification on that better be forthcoming!). He suggests they have Ivan drive them to the airport to pick her up.

Ivan whines about not wanting to. He has something to do on Sunday.

Ivan ends up driving the family, minus Carlota, to the airport. He parks the SUV and gets out to stretch his legs. That ain't all that stretches when an all-grown-up Maripaz sashays up in a hot pink zippered dress. Too graphic? I just call it like I see it. Maripaz complains about the long flight IN COACH! With a bunch of "nacos" (low-class, trashy people). Couldn't they have bought her a first class ticket? *whine, whine, whine* Lucia tries to cheer her up with news about her now having her own room. Ivan loads the bags as Maripaz looks at him worriedly. She pretends not to remember him, but then grins at him as she says it's quite warm. Gerardo yells at them to get in the car already. Maripaz meets Ivan's eyes in the rearview. If they make it back alive it will be a miracle.

Once they get home, Lucrezia and Lucia try to offer Maripaz some food, but she insists all she wants is a shower. Lucrezia tells Lucia to back off, can't she see her sister is "watching her figure" and oh, doesn't she look pretty! Shut up Lucrezia. Just shut. Up.

Ivan unloads the SUV and Cleto, the gardener, comes out to help him. He jokes about needing to work out more so he can be as buff as Ivan and have all the girls chasing after him. Ivan is talked into letting Cleto help him with the bags.

Carlota is thrilled to see Maripaz and wants her to sit and chat. Maripaz begs off. Lucrezia shouts to Alicia to bring Maripaz's bags to her room. The ladies all go to see Maripaz's room. Alicia tries to take the bags from Ivan, but Gerardo insists that Ivan should take them. "But La Señora will get angry!" Ivan takes the bags and Gerardo says she might have been able to carry the bags, but he doesn't want her to hurt her back. Once everyone is gone, he tells her he wishes he could do more for her.

Lucrezia has decorated Maripaz's room with enough flowers to make me want to sneeze! Ivan comes in with the bags and gets yelled at for not being his mother. Lucrezia tells him to send his mother in to unpack the bags. Ivan leaves and Maripaz asks if he's always so serious. Lucrezia insists he's a servant, but Carlota argues that he's not a servant, he's doing them favors. "Don't I feed him? As big as he is, he must eat a lot, he has to compensate us somehow!" She complains that he's an "alzado" (uppity). Lucia defends him, but Lucrezia says she's heard that Lucia spends a lot of time with him and she wants that to stop. Lucia tries to argue, but gets shouted down. Maripaz goes to take a shower. Carlota starts in on Lucrezia and tells her to lay off the kid already. She repeats that he's alzado and storms out of the room. Lucia doesn't understand why her mom doesn't like Ivan. Carlota says not to pay attention to her, that's just the way her mother is. Alicia comes in to put the clothes away.

In town, Ivan and Camilo talk about the return of Maripaz. Ivan admits she's still really pretty. "And? Did she remember you?" Ivan doesn't know. He says she's just as "pesada" (a pain) as always. Camilo reminds him that he used to have such a thing for her! Ivan says yeah, but it's been years. Why does it look like someone's smacked him in the mouth? He's done with the semester yesterday. Camilo invites him to a party. Ivan asks about work at his dad's warehouse. He's willing to accept a job as a "cargador"(loader) to save up some money. Camilo reminds him it's for the big house with servants and airplanes, right!

Maripaz and Lucia talk about Ivan. Maripaz is still hung up on Ivan being the son of the servant. Lucia waxes rhapsodic about Ivan's big…uh, brains. And all the prizes he's won. Lucia denies being in love. She just likes him. Maripaz says that Ivan needs a real woman, not a little girl. She met men out there in Colorado, and she could just snap her fingers and have any one she wanted! Not that she wants Ivan. Riiiiight.

At the dinner table, Maripaz whines about wanting a caaaaar, and wanting to invite her frieeeeends over. Carlota thinks she's old enough now to know the truth. The family's finances aren't so great, in part because of the drought they've been having in the area, among other things. "Including your father's ineptitude." Ouch! Check your balls, Gerry, I think they might be in Lucrezia's purse. Lucrezia Borgia says once they've recovered their losses, Maripaz can have her car. How about once Maripaz gets a damn job and saves up she can have her own damn car. Lucrezia offers to lend Maripaz her car in the meantime. And luckily, Maripaz learned how to drive at school. Yay? Lucrezia suggests she take another course here, just to practice. But nooooo, that just sounds too boring for our little princess. She wants that guy, what was his name, oh let me think, oh, Ivan! Right, Ivan, can't he give me some…ahem…refresher lessons? Lucrezia says hell no! She doesn't want Maripaz near him. Maripaz says it will just be a few times *cough* and really it doesn't make any sense to pay for a school when he's right there, so conveniently located. She appeals to her dad, who doesn't give a rat's ass.

Ivan hangs out with Pipo on the lawn. Gerardo comes out to ask him how the semester went. He asks, as a favor, for Ivan to teach Maripaz how to drive. Ivan says he's already accepted a job with a friend's dad and he doesn't want to back out of it. Gerardo says he could do it after work. Just half an hour a day for a few days should do it. She took a class in the US. Easy-peasy, right? Ivan agrees and Gerardo tells him to set it up with Maripaz.

Lucrezia Borgia is on the phone to someone she's sure Maripaz will want to see. Judith. Carlota tells Lucrezia that she didn't have a chance to say it sooner, but she doesn't think she should be saying in front of the girls that Gerardo is useless. "It's the truth." "No, it's not! He's just not a good farmer, and you shouldn't have forced him." Lucrezia says he's not good for anything, not even as a man. Oh, please Carlota, don't ask for clarification…she does. Lucrezia can't remember the last time they made love. Well, hell, woman, who would want to screw you?! Carlota says it's obvious they can't stand each other, but that doesn't mean she can "taconear" (stomp on) him in front of the kids. "Why not? They should at least see the kind of father they have!" Henpecked to death? Married to a heinous bitch? Lucrezia doesn't care what Carlota thinks. Carlota says she'll continue to give her opinion, regardless. Gerardo's a good guy, just a little lacking in personality. "A little?" "And you've castrated him! How's he supposed to want to…you know…when you treat him like a dog?!" "I treat him the way he deserves to be treated and as for…you know…I don't care about that." Carlota suggests divorce and that goes over about as well as could be expected. Heaven forbid we have a scandal! Carlota doesn't want her to talk smack about Gerardo in front of the girls again and Lucrezia tells her to butt out of her marriage. "Fine, but I'm not going to allow you to turn my granddaughters against Gerardo! Do it again and I'll tell them the truth." Oh? What truth? "That you're a bitch. And you've rejected Gerardo's suggestions about the management of the ranch. That the administrator and the workers don't do what he says because you've never given him his place in front of them. And that a lot of the mistakes that were made were your fault. So if we're so screwed, there's blame enough to share." "Vieja metiche!" Ooh, bitch just called her mama a nosy old bitch! She's going straight to hell for that one, do not pass go, do not collect $200 dollars! And as for Carlota, I like her! I hope she makes it to the end.

Lucia is out back, being moody. She runs over to Ivan as soon as she sees him. He's going to that party at his friend's house. "Is she your girlfriend?" Well, no, cause he doesn't have one. Lucia asks about teaching Maripaz to drive. Yeah, he knows. And he doesn't care. Lucia says Maripaz is locked in her room with Judith and they kicked her out. He says they're just talking about stuff she's too young to hear about. Lucia says she's not a kid! Ivan says he won't be out late and he promises to behave. He gives her a kiss on the cheek. Didn't we establish that by 13-year-old-boy logic this means they're dating? Mr. 5ft opines that she's never washing that cheek again and I'm inclined to agree with him.

Maripaz fills Judith in on the plan for driving lessons, lying about the car situation and saying they don't want to get her one until she's more familiar with the streets. *snort!* Judith tells her that Ivan is widely regarded among her friends at the university as a hottie. And she doesn't care about the class difference. After all, she's not looking at him as marriage material, just as someone to, you know, pass the time with. Unfortunately, she's heard that he doesn't just play hard to get, he IS hard to get. Maripaz says he's nothing special. She met hotter guys in "Den-fer." She figures if Ivan hasn't succumbed to the charms of any of her shallow, stupid friends he must be gay (something about "oriente" orientation? Otro oriente? Batting for the other team?). Maripaz claims to have left a LOT of boyfriends back in Denfer. And to have had tons of sex. Judith hasn't, though. She's worried about getting pregnant. Maripaz isn't, though. She's got birth control pills.

Maripaz meets Ivan for her first driving lesson. She gets behind the wheel and he tells her to take the SUV out the gate and he'll close it behind her. Lucia wants to go, but Maripaz drives off. Ivan says maybe next time and tells her she looks pretty today.

Maripaz already knows how to drive. She asks Ivan not to refer to her as "usted." She thinks it's ridiculous for two young people to address each other that way. Ivan says they should have brought Lucia. "What for? So she could talk the whole time?"

Lucia complains to Carlota about Maripaz taking off without her. Carlota reminds her that Maripaz is now a young woman. Lucia tries to insist she is too, but Carlota says she's somewhere between a girl and a young woman. Lucia doesn't want Maripaz going out alone with Ivan. "He's my friend, not hers!" And she doesn't want to share him. "She's too flirty! And she says she can get any man she wants just like that!" She snaps her fingers. Carlota doesn't think Ivan's going to be won over with some finger snapping. Lucia grins and agrees. "But I don't like that you're so attached to him, either. Ivan, someday, he'll go live his life away from you and from this house." "I don't want him to leave! Ever!"

Alicia makes out a grocery list ("espinaca" spinach). Gerardo asks to see her while she's out getting groceries. "If I'm late la señora will get mad!" Gerardo says they won't be long, he just wants to talk to her. Alicia rushes off.

Ivan goes running back to the car, having bought Maripaz some cigarettes. He won't smoke one, though, cause it's not healthy. "One every once in a while isn't so bad. But I don't dare in the house, cause my mom would probably make wash my mouth out with soap!" She blows smoke in his face. She asks him why he wants to be an engineer. Mostly to get a good job and take care of his mom. "You won't get to be a millionaire." "You don't have to be a millionaire to be happy." Maripaz admits she always figured she'd marry a rich man. "And if you fell in love with a poor man?" That depends. Maripaz says she could fall in love with a poor guy like him. "Don't play around with me Maripaz. I don't like that kind of joke." He gets back in the car to resume the driving "lesson."

Alicia sneaks into a little hideaway with Gerardo, observed by her comadre Celia. She tells him she can only stay for a little while. They kiss. He just needed to talk. It's the same as always, but every day he feels like he can put up with Lucrezia a little less. She actually said in front of the girls that he was useless! What will they think of him? Alicia says they'll just think Mami was in a bad mood. Gerardo says he feels like a stranger in his own house, unable to make decisions because she criticizes every one. He always ends up doing what she wants. Alicia tells him to be calm and not let her get to him. Gerardo thinks he should leave her, but Alicia says they won't see each other as often if he does that. Gerardo suggests bringing her with him and telling everyone she's coming along to keep house for him. Alicia worries someone might suspect. She never asked him for anything more than what they have, just these few stolen moments together. Wow, she's the most cheerful, reassuring adulteress ever!

Ivan loads produce into a truck. Camilo tries to convince him to knock off early and go have a beer, but Ivan is meeting Maripaz after this. Some jackass comes in and mocks them, saying they'll never get rich loading trucks. It's Marceloooooo Cordova, aka Tialoving Abuelokiller, and he is Camilo's big bro Antolin. He proposes that Ivan make some quick cash being a rich old broad's boy toy. Ivan is so not into it! He says he's not "padrote" (a pimp) nor does he "batear por el otro lado" (bat for the other side). Maybe I misunderstood Antolin's business proposition…when were men brought into this? Or is this a standard pitch and dating a rich old guy was going to be the follow-up? Camilo gripes at him for making the indecent proposal and Antolin goes back to mocking them both.

Maripaz pulls the car over so she can talk to Ivan. Then she wants him to say something. "Are you mad at me for what I said?" Ivan says he's not, but this seems pointless--she already knows how to drive. Maripaz pouts and says she knows he likes spending time with her, but he pretends not to. Ivan just points out again that she already knows how to drive and if she wants to talk, she's got friends for that. "Can't we be friends?" "Your mother won't allow it." "Oh, please, why do you think I said I needed to practice driving?" She takes off his glasses. He says when he picked her up at the airport, it seemed like she didn't like him. "What? Did you want me to run up and grab you and ask how you were doing?" She admits she remembered him…or at least, she remembered him doing her math homework and kissing her on the cheek. He agrees they can be friends and she kisses him on the cheek and gets back in the car.

Alicia irons pants and my DVR cuts off.

Labels: Fuerza