Caray, Caray!

Administrative announcement: I'm starting a new job a week from Monday. After that, I probably won't be able to continue doing two recaps a week even if they're puny.

Of course I'll be able to post a discussion header for the Tuesday episode, but Friday recaps may be on weekends rather than Friday nights.

Yeah, so, the unexpected nanny shows up and Chela is civilized about it until the nanny reveals that she was sent by Rebeca. THEN Chela loses it. "GOYA! MY BAG!!!"

Vince is selling hot dogs from a cart. Candy buys one with mustard for ten pesos. Oh, ha-ha, he's actually asleep at his desk. This is Vince's idea of a dirty dream? Pathetic. Vince notices Arnold watching Sandra, the bimbo secretary, walking out of the room. That's twice this week that Vince has caught Arnold doing something not-very-gay. Arnold asks what Vince needs with Candy when he has such a fine wife. V says Pina's too skinny; he can't do it. Arnold suggests the "blue pill"; Vince says it's not an equipment problem - he just isn't attracted to her. Arnold recommends that they try adding some novelty.

Tomás is sorry for breaking up with Lupita. "Do you know how many times you've asked my forgiveness lately?" Lupita asks.

A frightened accountant named Lamberto meets with Pancho. Pancho finds the man's name unbearably funny because it sounds like "lamento," so he decides to call him "Beto" (and later, "Lambi"). The poor man really is aptly named; he is sweating profusely, refuses an offer of coffee because it might make him nervous, and reveals that he suffers from chronic anxiety. He clutches a book of financial records in his sweaty hands and warns Pancho that the company is about to go down like the Titanic if things continue in their present trajectory. Pancho says he's noticed that Vince and Enzo have been using the company as their personal money-tree.

Pancho and Lambi/Beto compare notes and numbers for a while. Lambi relaxes and even enjoys their chat. Pancho invites him to tomorrow's meeting to discuss the executive expenses. Lambi (now "Mamerto") is delighted.

Chela ambushes Rebeca in her office and they have their usual argument. In short, Chela feels that Rebeca is messing with her family, and Rebeca (who visits Pancho's house and makes claims on Pancho's personal time whenever she pleases) doesn't like Chela coming to her office and her apartment. Rebecky also teases Chela yet again about her love for Pancho; nothing Chela does is ever wrong because it's in the name of love. Rebe also thinks that Chela must have a spy in the office to know about her conversation with Vince the other night. She wants to know who that spy is, and that person will be fired because of Chela! Chela says fine, then why don't you fire yourself for spying too, because you're the one who recorded Vicente bad-mouthing Fernanda!

Anyway, she didn't come here to talk about spying. She's here because of the nanny. (Man, I wish some horrible woman would send someone to my house to wash the dishes and vacuum. I promise not to complain.) Rebeca's gotta lotta nerve making decisions for Chela's family, etc. etc. Beca tries to tell her that it was actually Pancho's idea, but Chela doesn't let her finish. Rebeca gives a particularly withering speech about how she's heard so much about Chela being such a great second mother that she could recite it from memory; "so congratulations, Chela, for winning first place in the housewife contest!"

ARGH BITCH!!! Well excuuuuuuse Chela for taking care of the family and the house instead of spending the family's carrot money getting a PhD and buying designer shoes! Seriously, under any other circumstances I'd find Chela's grumpy self-righteousness the most annoying thing on the show, but then Rebeca will say something so ugly that I end up feeling sorry for Chela. I hope someday soon they have a catfight and both fall fully clothed into a swimming pool, except I'm a little worried that Chela's aprons and heavy sweaters might cause her to sink to the bottom and drown, like the Titanic. Or Avon.

Rebeca would like to get back to work. She tells Chela to leave and turns to walk away. Chela grabs her arm. Offended, Rebeca says "don't touch me - this is the second time you've done that." Rebeca goes away and Chela sits down to wait till Rebeca comes back for more abuse.

Barbara and Rebeca have coffee together and Rebeca tells Barbara all her woes about Pancho's family. Barbara thinks Chela feels threatened by Rebeca, and Barbara would too if she felt that she was competing against her. (I think that's what she says.)

Chela calls home to give Candy an update. Candy says Chela is jealous. Vince comes in, Chela gets lippy with him, and he calls Security to have her removed. She warns Vince about the wrath of her family and hits the security guys with her handbag and finally leaves.

At the office, Pancho calls off tonight's etiquette lesson so he can finish crunching some numbers for tomorrow's meeting. At home, Chela wants a family meeting.

Karina calls Pepe and makes Mónica talk to him. She tells him he doesn't suit her at all, and ever since he came into her life it's been filled with trouble and confusion and doubts. Pepe takes this as an encouraging sign.

At home, Vince puzzles over Arnold's advice to try making love with Pina on the floor and in other exotic locations. (I notice behind him that there's a framed photo of Vince kissing not his wife, but his dog. It's a very sweet and touching photo.) Pina comes in; Vince imagines Catgirl and kisses her, but then she's Pina again and he doesn't want any. She keeps switching between Pina and Catgirl. She stays Catgirl long enough for Vince to take one of his trademark flying leaps; sadly, he kind of lands on her neck, and besides, she is not as sturdy as Sandra. She protests that he is slitting her throat (degollando)! Catgirl doesn't care - she wants more. He lifts her up and spins her around and throws her on the bed. Pina doesn't like that, either. She wants a divorce! (Oh no! Would we survive the custody battle over Abejita and the granddogs?) She sorts through her Flores de Bach tinctures and takes a good swig from the Ego bottle.

Pancho brings some reports to the dinner table and tells his family about tomorrow's meeting. Chela is worried that it won't go well, but Pancho says things will be different at Avon after tomorrow.

Lupita asks Pancho for advice about Tomás. He's really, really sorry! (Here's my advice: tell him to stuff his sorries in a sack.) She thinks he's changed a lot lately. Pancho thinks it's Lupita who has changed - she's become more sensitive. Someone her age shouldn't suffer so much. You're only sixteen once! And Alex doesn't seem like such a bad guy. Pancho tells her to deal with one problem at a time: first Tomás, then Alex.

There's a breakfast scene which is interrupted by an awkwardly placed commercial from Comcast. Thanks, Comcast. Did everyone get this or was it just a local problem? Who else thinks it's cute when the cable company cuts in to run an ad over actual programming? I'm only missing about a minute, but now we're at Avon and the meeting is about to begin. Pancho's on the phone and Fernanda is reassuring him that he's making the right decision and he should follow his instincts.

(OK, now the proper, scheduled commercial break.)

Chela is meeting with the rest of the family, plus Big Boy and Kojak, to organize some kind of intervention to rescue Pancho from the evil Avonistas. She thinks he's going to get eaten alive. Ana disagrees. Candy doesn't think Vince is so bad, being such a guapo and all. Nope, Chela says he's a snake and Rebeca's right there with him. Nico has to go to the bathroom. They all agree to march on the company, except Chela herself because the guards kicked her out and she won't be able to get back in! (Chacho/Kojak is very concerned!)

Pancho, Lamberto, and Rebeca are finally meeting with Vince and Enzo about the "gastos de representación" (expense accounts). Oh, Arnold is there too but wisely says nothing. Vince tries to change the subject to the Arabs. Enzo tries to change it to Catgirl's smear on the company's reputation. Vince really doesn't want to talk about Paraíso! There are more stalling tactics, but Rebeca reminds them that Pancho's the boss. Pancho yells that the meeting is about MONEY. That gets their attention! But they don't need to look at no stinkin' balance sheets and statements. Vince throws his copy of the report onto the floor and stomps on it and has a tantrum about Pancho getting his name wrong again. (Is "Iracheta" really that much worse than "greengrocer"? I don't think so.)

Pancho rips the guys a new one for their extravagant expense accounts. He even shows a cheese chart (it's like a pie chart, except it's a wheel of Oaxaca cheese!) showing that their precious gastos are about a third of the company's money. Enzo and Vince try to diss Pancho's business chops, but they don't have much to say when Pancho questions why the company should pay for Mónica's college tuition, or the servant or the house phone or Wasp's dog food. Vince blames this last one on Popeye and the pregnancy. Pancho asks if Popeye and the pregnancy are also the reason Avon is paying for Pina's psychiatrist. Oh yes, the cuts are already underway and Fernanda knows all about them. Bwahahaha!!! Rebeca adds that if they don't make these cuts, the company will go bankrupt.

Sandra, Enriqueta, and Celeste with her little stuffed animal listen outside with shocked faces. Evidently no meeting like this has ever taken place at Avon before.

Now the Occupy Avon movement marches into the main lobby, banging pots and pans. Without the fearsome Celeste and her army of beanie dolls to hold them off, they continue unchallenged to the elevator, chanting and clanging.

Next time:
POW! Right in the kisser!

Labels: familia