Wednesday, February 08, 2012
El Talismán #7: Welcome to the Monkey House
"Elvira ... goes all mama-woodchuck, baring her considerable dentition at her daughter and using “venganza” in as many sentence structures as she possibly can."
"Haven’t you noticed that he says “Lárgate” more in one episode than other people do in a lifetime?”
Oh I could go on and on -- I'm so glad you're here to take us on this romp through the swamp of bad acting, worse writing and cheapo producing.
Gracias, chica azul!
"...a frosty cerveza eye-opener already in his hand. He drapes himself over the counter and asks the motel clerk if Camila is staying at the motel, and she’s like, oh, just wait a second, Mr. Half-Dressed Half-Drunk at Eight in the Morning Guy, while I LOOK THAT UP FOR YOU."
I have to admit, the happy (if maybe a little dumb) look on Pedro's face when he saw Camila's face again was quite heart warming. He may not be the brightest bulb but he does seem to love her.
Thanks for the awesome recap!
Excellent recap especially of Pedro's stalker.
You did a really good job on the recap, although I am not at all surprised given your spot on comments through CME and now ElT.
-"Bratz edition bustier"
-"the culminating over-the-top pull-out-all-the-Telenovela-Laws final scene"
-"Me Tarzan, You Kidnapped Agronomist"
You and EJ are a Dynamic Duo.
Looks like Nieta Fabiola has Grandpa's eyebrows, although they've been nicely shaped.
My favorite line in the show was Pedro saying "Ya probe' y no me gusto'" to Lucrecia.
Lugreasia needs to wash her hair. Maybe if she quit touching it so much it wouldn't oil up between scenes.
I am guessing Aaron Diaz is a Type A or maybe this was filmed in the midst of his divorce proceedings because his eye was twitching like crazy. And I don't think you can act that!
I wanted to buy CME on DVD but all the reviews said how condensed and choppy it was. This show seems to have that choppy quality.
Thanks for the laughs, Blue Lass. You will have a great future as a re-capper!
Rosemary la Otra
I'm here to say hasta luego. I just cannot get into these two new TNs. I'm going to wait until Lu's and/or SNs new ones start (if they overlap, I'll be watching both!!) I'd watch anything with FC, too but haven't heard that he's got anything in the pipeline.
Have fun guys. I'm going to miss you all. I might check in periodically and probably watch the final ep for both ElT and Podia.
So much to love in your first recap:
The voice over..."Where everyone who is anyone is drawn, almost against their will, whether from Tijuana, or Davis or the fleshpots or Amsterdam..."
On the private detective, "I hope he's not paying that guy too much."
Doris loving comment to her children regarding their father's usefulness and the precarious state of their lifestyle, "Your grandfather can throw us out in the street! Haven’t you noticed that he says “Lárgate” more in one episode than other people do in a lifetime?”
Really great writing, really great satire. I'd call this recap (style-wise) completely Blue Lass but with hints of Voltaire, Dorothy Parker and Christopher Guest.
Thanks again so much. We are lucky to have you recapping!
Which leads to - although pointless to ask- why wouldn't Pedro call the cops on the stalker chick in his house? Sure they're worthless and all and he risks being pulled in for, oh I don't know, running a brothel or something. But he for sure shouldn't TALK to the crazy bruja.
Are we suppossed to think that a mesh jacket will protect someone from the plaga? It wouldn't even protect someone from sun damage. Must go buy more tinfoil for the extra-strength beanie.
Ha ha! Mama Woodchuck! Venganza Venganza! Elvira has got to be one of the crappiest moms ever. Her daughter's first job out of college and she's ready to sabotage it Por Venganza? (OK so Camila's been interning there but still.)
"POP GOES THE SLEAZY!" Quite possibly one of the funniest lines of all time.
R la O, yep, Fabiola sure does have Abuelo's eyebrows.
I think I might have figured out who is paying for and possibly writing this show. I've never seen so much vehicle product placement before in my life. First the old Chevy and now Camila's new Volt, some bigwigs at Chevrolet, MBA not MFA, must be pumping out the scripts.
Robey, hope to see you somewhere else down the line. I always enjoy your hilarious remarks and observations. You'll be missed.
Blue Lass, thanks again for your absolutely hilarious recap. You and Ej make a fantastic tag team, so literary, so scintillating, so naughty. True hermanas del alma.
Pedro retires to his Camila-shrine for the evening, takes off his boots, and voilà! POP GOES THE SLEAZY!
He gets a foxy grin, walks over to her, takes her in his arms, plants one on her, and scares us all to death for a minute…but after a strategically placed commercial break for us to go take some tranquilizers, he releases her and says, “Nah. Don’t like ‘em.” Good doggie!
i have to admit i loved that sequence, but then i was feelingg so sick of Rafa having to do this stupid thing that i rewatched the ending 1/5 hrs of A corazon abierto to see his smile again.
but your wording in this section of the recap is awesome!
Robey - you will be missed and I understand.
Motherhood sure is getting a bad rap on this show. So far we have Elvira and Doris, both losers at mamahood.
EJ - your Votaire, Dorothy Parker and Christopher Guest remark was so astute. Maybe we can call your "snark-off" with Blue Lass "Best in Show". Especially given these recaps are what's best in this show!
R la O
I usually give a novela two weeks before I decide to stay or bail. If tonight's episode isn't any better I may just bail right away.
This complete telenovela crapfest does get the creative juices flowing, doesn't it?
Rather than a snark shoot-out I am thinking more of a pas de deux. Or, more properly, una danza de los seis—the lucky recappers of El Talisman. Jajajaja.
On a shallow note, is Aaron Diaz wearing brown contact lenses for this show? I have seen photos of him with greenish-blue eyes, I think in a recent 'People in Español'.
When Pedro gave Camila the blanket treatment I laughed so loudly that I scared my honey who was wearing headphones at the time. Yep, that's how we roll in Fresno, if we don't like or trust you we kidnap you. What's wrong with just walking up to a professional and ask them what kind of work they are doing? I guess they were trying to build Sexual Tension by making Pedro act like a caveman. If anyone did that to me I'd be driving back to Davis so fast I'd give myself whiplash. Normally I would stop at the police station on the way out of town and file a complaint but I think we've determined the Fresno police aren't very effective at maintaining law and order.
I do find the watching very entertaining, though. The stuff these people do makes no sense but they aren't boring. I like those sassy nietas (I, for one, am glad they didn't make them precocious younger kids) and Aaron Diaz makes for a delightfully scuzzy sleazeball.
Just the beginning voice over got my attention. Then "The tía and P Ibby discuss his trouble keeping track of his women: can’t find one, can’t forget another, and can’t keep the third one off the property." Brilliant.
Ok--Mystery solved??? Who noticed the really dark eyebrows on older granddaughter Fabiola? Could they be Don Gagg's me twice or AntOSG's, who probably doesn't remember fathering either girl. She also whips out her retorts and rejoinders just like grandpa.
1. Why does Pedro HAVE a Camila Shrine? Their romance was short but boring. Perhaps he is just too cheap to redecorate?
2. How does Mariana's tia know of Pedro's love for Camila?
3. UA, I didn't understand your comment about Venevision and age-appropriate casting. Please say more.
The inappropriate age thing is one of the biggest burs under my saddle in terms of film and TV—esp. telenovelas. On the stage (or in opera) it is different for me, somehow I can suspend disbelief. But, HDTV and film—don't even let me get started on my rant and rave on Olivier's age (48, I think) when he filmed Hamlet.
In this TN Antonio is too young and most everyone else is too old. Hrmmph.
Aaron's eye color? I always thought they were kinda green, but maybe I should pop on over to Palo Alto High School and ask to look at their old yearbooks. I'm sure if I show up drunk, slutty, with a beer in my hand and demand to see the records they will comply. Ya think?
Drunk, slutty and with a beer on your hand should get you 5150'ed by Palo Alto High School security. Don't worry, I'll visit you in the clink.
Palo Alto High for Aaron? Hmmm...Somebody has some means in that family. Plus he obviously speaks English. I still can't tell if he can act but he shure looks purty on TV.
Well another TN where no one changes locks on there home doors, or can call the police about home invasion.
Sometimes these TN really make a person think. HUM........ its beanie time.
Love the comment of and PoP GOES THE SLEAZY; man is that women agressive. Here I thought I was the only one who thought this thing was bad and the cheesey acting was even worse.WOW!!! and it's just like someone said it's a bad accident waiting to happen, and you can't help but not look away b/c you just might miss something.
I also thought it was delusionally funny to kidnap a professional agronomist, there to examine, collect samples and determine the kind and source of the plague, hated next-door neighbor's land or not. Pibby could have been charged with assault AND kidnapping...
...on top of that--what kind of trees are those, anyway, Tannat Grape trees? I thought their rancho was growing grapes, or was that something we assumed, since they are in Fresno. Maybe they are actually orange trees? But why so big? Most orange trees are kept short for ease of harvesting, no?
Robey and maybe UA--we're going to miss your comments. Not only are we losing viewers, but we're going to lose clients for the Tal*Mart.
Due to the type of shoppers here (as oposed to those who patronized the CME Emporium), we offer you different departments to shop in (labels are overhead to help you find the perfect purchase).
From the Books, Magazines, DVD’s and Music Department
*A copy of Eva Luna for Pedro and a copy of Cuando for the writers of El Talismán
*Fresno Police Department CSI handbook for Fresno Police Department CSI officers
*Extensive list of words in Spanish that start with Est…[e.g. Esteban, estupido, estubborn, estumble, estegone]
*Certificate of completion from the University of Telenova Cliché Writing (only one required course, $500 registration fee for on-line lessons and pop-up quizzes)
*Custom-bound copy of report by the Harvard Psychology Dept. on the experiment measuring telenovela insanity where snark is the variable (© Fresno Publishing Co., 2012).
*Newest telenovela in BluRay starring Fernando Colunga, “Painting Fences.” One review is in: “I'd watch Colunga paint a fence.”
More to follow.
*Heavy duty spot cleaner for red stains in carpets
*Heavy duty Tweezers (unless a mower is needed) for those pesky ear, nose and eyebrow hair
*Special Sale, one time only: TN Blinders so Reynoso can be heard but not seen
*Manly™ brand room air spray—contains equal portions of cigar smoke and aftershave. Try it at your next bro’s night in, lodge meeting, or fishing camp weekend.
*Raisins—Wholesale. Plump ‘n juicy organic Fresno-grown raisins, vine-ripened, harvested by a single capataz and maybe two undocumented laborers. They are individually wrapped in protective cellophane, 6000 to a box (sold retail at your nearest Whole Comidas or loose in 5 lb. bags at the roadside raisin stand outside the gates of El Tal or El Al)
*Ratspatooty, a Fresno newvelle kuisine freeze-dried entrée made with raisins, cheese, pistachios, garlic and oranges
*Boda bags (made in Fresno, U.S.A.) -- $4.99 extra if filled with Matoosy Rosey
*RameraWear™ brand high-heeled sneakers (similar pairs to be found on LQNPA)
*Daisy Mae Duke™ (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daisy_Duke) brand extra short short cut-off jeans, with appropriate unravelled fringe and a 2 1/2” white pocket hang. Be sure to order 2 sizes too small for maximum effect.
*Juniors, Misses and Women’s Plus size Rhinestone Cowboy™ line of clothing and acessories
*S*zanne S*mers Thigh High Master—hand-forged of top quality Fresno aluminium. Could double as a weapon.
*Visit our newly opened Feather Saloon, where you can drink and drivel while hot wax is applied to your hair (our insurance covers scalp burns). (Feathers and White Russians sold separately)
*Very fetching diaphanous, one-size fits all, bee-keeper outfit for messing with trees and getting kidnapped for, but does not protect from plaga or sun rays
*Just in a few minutes ago--a Bratz edition bustier for cup size A’s and AA’s—guaranteed to make you look like a DDD
From the Men’s Department
*Full line of Don Gagorio™ brand XXL Western-style tacky shirts, in 7 colors, one for every day of the week, trimmed in soft embroidery of contrasting color.
*Gents Rhinestone Cowboy™ line of clothing and acessories
*We also have some silver toe caps for our Manly™ brand boots and longsleeve knit jersey shirts (ala Dieter) to dress like Tony.
*Black Western hats with hatbands, conchas or tiaras (state preference when ordering) in silver adorning one side of the crown (you select front, left or right side when you order)
loved the painting fences dvd (do we have a Mr Mijagi showing Fer how to brush up and brush down?)
the raisins and tweezers are too much!! LOL!!
*Live Rhode Island Red roosters, shipped in soft, flannel-lined crates—Buy New, hurry--only 10 left, 15 used (like new, except their tail feathers are missing). It will be awhile before more are in stock, so place your order now or put on your Wish List.
*Ladylike handguns...wow. Any handgun can get the job done but pink pistols get it done in style. Yes, you certainly don't want your weapon to clash with your cute outfit while you're elegantly accessorizing your acquaintances with lead.
EJ, well we know Aaron can act insolent, bored and trashy, that's for sure. Not to mention the boy's got some mad singing skills. Hey, that's what we need! Aaron to be driving around in a convertible singing some lounge lizard song a la Pablo Montero in Duelo de Pasiones. That gives me another thought. I think this telenovela also needs an awesomely smart animal like Tonki the wonder dog of Duelo. That doggie kept half the cast out of trouble and saved the other half. Pedro needs help.
I'll take a boda bag filled with mood-enhancing fluid. I'd like mine without the El Talisman logo, thanks, lest I be shamed in public.
It looked like avocado trees to me that Camila was inspecting. Anyone else check them out?
Since this TN is already crazy beyond belief, I am hoping that Mariana has been in a Shaman Temple learing martial arts and she will return as a ninja femme nikita and kick some Negrete butt ! wouldnt that be great!
Blue Lass, I laughed all the way through. Thanks for your winning recap. Uni should definitely pay y'all, not in rooster-butt feathers either. Something nice, like belt buckles!
Querida Blue Lass, did you recap in a previous incarnation? This was brilliant - my favorite being "...and goes all mama-woodchuck, baring her considerable dentition" which describes Julieta Rosen's acting style to a 't'. She does "bared dentition" like a Honey Badger, really.
May I suggest the appellation of El Alcatrash on account of the occupants' behavior. My lord, are they cooking meth there, too.
Lucrezia looked "quite fit" in her Fredericks of Hollywood get up. Still - Pedro played that one pretty well.
Emilia, it's a date. Not sure what year he was but 2005 sounds about right.
Mike, I like El Alcatrash. Pedro is so funny every time Lucrecia comes on to him. He always looks like he just smelled a fart or something. She's incredibly persistent. Didn't she tell her nieces she was going over to bag her future husband?
Can't find Frenno Bros. Circus in the Yellow Pages. Is it Frenno or Fresno--I'd like to include them as one of the Activities for Tourists when visiting the Avocado ranches in the area.
Imagine if Televisa had cast the role of Victoria in TdA with Blanca Soto. Venevision did something like that in Sacrificio de Mujer, which is their latest version of the story. Marjorie de Sousa was only 30. I'd rather see an older actress who looks ten years younger than she actually is and has more talent.
The other thing about Venevision is that -- at least back in the 90s -- their actors looked like they were stamped out of a Xerox machine. All the women looked like Vogue models and the men like GQ models. At least Televisa actors have a more individualistic look.
The opera is a definite place where these rules don't apply. The production I saw of Aida two seasons ago had a bass who was making his Met debut at 28; the mezzo playing his daughter was old enough to be his mother. And Placido Domingo is 71 and still gets the girl...
Glad to see Tal*Mart open for business, Anita.
My guess last night about the trees was also avocado though I couldn't be certain.
I'm fascinated by Doris. Where does she go? What does she do? Who selects her outfits?
And of course I worry about Mariana. elle, I hope you are right... or perhaps she's now the queen of a biker gang that'll soon roar up to Casa Alcatraz and rain down Hell.
I have neighbors who've made more of an effort to find lost dogs than Pedro has made to find Mariana.
And I agree the "Pop goes the Sleazy" deserves the hall of fame sideboard placement. Sort of sums this whole telenova up.
Oh, and Sylvia - the Chevy placement is on purpose. There was even an article about it on Univision. Same as happened with Eva Luna and the Ford product placement. Paid the dollars, get the placement, primary too. Wouldn't want to be the guy in the GM ad department explaining use of their product on this dredge. :)
Blue Lass--this is seriously funny sh!t. I was p!ss my pants laughing from beginning to end. Thank you!
I'm hoping it will be like on Mi Pecado, where the whole orchard was full of uniformly bright red apples ALL THE TIME.
Maybe they won't show us because they were hoping for a product placement gig with the California Avocados people or something, and if they ever get a deal inked then suddenly all the characters will be making delicious avocado treats and swooning about them. Or whatever other crop they can get a deal to promote.
I can see the Negretes growing some testicles on their land. Perhaps Pedro needs to start growing some too...
Is anybody else having trouble telling Margarito's sons Claudio and Gabriel apart, though? At least Fabiola (Doris's snarky brunette daughter) and Florencia (blonde) are color-coded...