Friday, January 03, 2014
Weekend Discussion: Fix This Novela!
Holà, Caraymates!
We've
seen quite a few series that had something going on to make the
ratings department happy but... a serious flaw or two that earned
derision from critics or unsatisfied viewers. Some of these got
really bad – like Corazón Indomable. Others just
needed a tweak or two, like Doña Barbara,
If
you could fix a flawed novela, how would you do it? What general
things would you do to fix the series to get it on track? We will
assume that any and all continuity errors would be corrected but what
general changes would you make?
I'll
start with one some of you really hated, Fuego en la Sangre.
It had excellent production values, photography, music, actors, and
a good basic story premise, but the writing didn't come up to the
rest. What I would have done with it:
Labels: barbara, duelo, Fuego, Indomable, Talisman, telenovelas, weekend
Friday, January 11, 2013
Weekend Discussion: Bodas Interumpti... y otros desastres, Part 1
Part
I
Sometimes
I think there is a deal between the bridal industry and the networks
that produce telenovelas. This thought first occurred to me in 2000
when Aracely Arámbula had no fewer than four bridal gowns in
Abrazame Muy Fuerte: one in the bridal shop that she rejected, one
for the interrupted wedding to José Maria, the third for the
completed wedding to José Maria, and the fourth for the finale
wedding to Carlos Manuel. Little did I realize at the time that this
was close to the norm.
Here we will look at weddings that didn't or almost didn't happen and two which did but which will always be associated with tragedy.
Labels: amor, Cuando, Talisman, telenovelas, triunfo, weekend
Friday, July 13, 2012
Weekend Discussion: Telenovela Villains -- More Parental Toxicity
Dirty
Dozen #2: Toxic and Controlling Fathers
The
other side of toxic parenting is the Controlling Father. While his
female counterpart typically controls through guilt or other forms of
emotional blackmail, he typically controls through the purse strings, sometimes also with keys and locks; insults and emotional blackmail are often
his last resort. Most are wealthy and powerful, some are insecure
and merely selfish, and some still are perverse. Not as common as the Controlling Mother and usually less deadly, but perversion can compensate for that. Some of these are candidates for redemption, although most usually pay the ultimate price.
It is rather surprising also, that this is the province of specialists and there are fewer actors cast in these series-length roles than for controlling mothers. Why do you think this is? I think it must be the deep voices.
Who
is the most evil of them all?
Labels: abismo, Alborada, duelo, Fuerza, Karmageddon, pecado, salvaje, Talisman, telenovelas, weekend
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
EL TALISMAN Post Mortem – The Last Gasp - 6-19-12
Post Mortem by Anita, Intrepid Editor in Chief, Freesnow Underground Gazette
Memorable Quotes
“I'm
trying to imagine Pigorio's hell à la Dante Alighieri. Doomed to get
his bacon scorched and then kicked hard for all eternity by pregnant,
pithed off amazons wearing pointy-toed shoes? Rotisseried while having
to watch a big screen of all is ex-servants enjoying the good life
thanks to El Tal's generous new owner.” The Cap’n.
“I
wish, since Mariana had to die, that her ghost could have stuck around
to haunt and taunt the immobile Pig. Or if she was unavailable, repeat
visits from Elvira.” Carlos.
“No
wait, the new favorite line is: ‘We know from past shows this means he
[El Piggorio] has morning sickness and is pregnant.’” The Cap’n quoting the original quote from Rosemary La Otra’s recap when Don G fainted.
“Everyone grab those feathers and hot wax and I will see you at the boda!” Rosemary La Otra.
“So much hope, so little delivery. Still, it's been fun mostly because we made it that way. El Tal was a hoot to mock.” The Cap’n.
“We
were coming off a CME high and just assumed its replacement would be a
decent substitute. No one told us the editors and continuity guys came
over from Maybe I'll Come Home in the Spring. lol Does anyone remember
that hallucinogenic movie?” Rosemary La Otra.
“Nobody told us it was a comedy, either. We just weren't prepared.” Forgettable quote from Anita.
“Well,
the producers and writers deserve no awards, but our actors sure do.
Aaron Diaz, for being the first to figure out it was a comedy and
running with that, and also for best death scene. Blanca Soto, for
perseverance in the face of all adversity. Rafa Novoa, for having the
wisdom to be completely stoned throughout the run. Julieta Rosen, for
never forgetting her line "el cheque es mio" despite the headbands
cutting off the blood to her brain. Lola Ponce, for maintaining her
cheer and lust even while wearing strangling tight pants for months.” Julia.
“A
blooper reel would wash some of the angst away -- and I imagine we'll
be commenting well into next week and perhaps beyond. It's hard to let
go of the oobleck.” Blue Lass.
How We Might Have Made This TN Better
“I
would always have Pedro with a brain, I would have told two actors
portraying siblings not to ‘fool’ around until after the TN finished -
their relationship was always apparent on screen. I would have given the
cops some kind of thinking process if only for one episode. It was just
too much of the "good" guys being soooo stupid, it was just too over
the top. These writers should know sometimes the good guys do win one
and it does not have to be in the last episode.” Nellie
“The
first thing I would have done to make this TN better, I would have
replaced the directors. The actors are all so wooden. I feel like I am
watching a high school play (and that is being generous). It is not the
actors or writers fault, it is the directors. Just watch any of the
other TN and you see the actors actually moving around and well, just
acting.
The
second thing I would have done is changed the wardrobe group. The
costuming is just ‘wrong.’ Cami in real life is very glamorous so why
did they make her look like a throw back to the 60's? Doris always looks
bad in whatever she is wearing. Lulu's very high heels make me cringe.”
Rosemary Primera
“I wish that we could have visited Rennie's yacht. Surely Oscar has a boat. I would have had Sarita in a different costume every day. I would have liked more of Lucrezia, Doris, and Rita.
More Oscar... he seemed so real.” Carlos
“Aren't
we overdue for a shower scene? The Prince of Darkness needs to take a
long drench with some product-placed Suave shampoo and get rid of the
grease and the scruff. Maybe if he were clean, he would feel better and
behave better.” Julia
“What to change: Mariana doesn’t die. Cut
the Fab & Flo storyline. Maybe there should only have been one
younger daughter--to make the Doris-Antonio relationship age
appropriate. Antonio should have been clean shaven and curly locked. He
should have been a little more Don Juanish with Camila. He could have
wooed her a bit better and provided some conflict for her to choose
between nice Pedro and naughty Antonio.
Maria-Angel-Manuel were great but came in too late. More Rennie-Rita-Oscar-Elvira would have lightened the load of muck we got. Don Gregorio could have been a more attractive older actor (so we wouldn’t cringe to see him in bed with anyone). Make Lulu less crazy and more devious. The
whorehouse thing--we enjoyed making fun of it, but as smart as Doris
was at accounting, she could have been cooking the books and stealing El
Trash right out from under Antonio and Don G and found herself a
handsome accomplice like Lucas for fun on the side.
Esteban's mother should have moved to Fresno and she wouldn't have taken and nonsense from Sarita and Gabe (or Elvira). Claudio and Tia shouldn't have died in the explosion. They should have ended up in the hospital, terrribly wounded. Claudio still would have had a chance with Flo--oops, forgot, I wrote her out.” Endless paraphrased blather from Anita. P.S. Carlos replied that, “Sorry, with GM footing the bill, that cute little Ford had to die a violent death. Paty and Claudio were collateral damage.”
TAL*MART Grand Finale Sale. No Refunds. All Sales Are, Por Fin, Wait For It, Final
Clothing and T-Shirt Department
For Mike ONLY—Special order tee that says, “I can’t believe I watched the first 1/4.”
New tee with “I can't believe I watched the whole thing!” (or summer porch banner)
New tee with “I'm SO glad it is over!" (also as a coffee mug, heck, make it a banner)
New tee with “I didn’t watch the whole thing, but enjoyed the recaps”
New tee with “They killed Renato! You bastards”
New tee with “Rafa can't possibly be as happy as WE are”
New tee with “Who’s Your Daddy?” (also mugs, ball point pens, and tote bags)
New tee with “POR FIN”
New
tee with “The Few - The Slightly Abashed - The Talismaniacs! All for
one and one for Alternate Fresno,” designed by Blue Lass
New tee with “The Few, The Proud – The Mighty Bashed, The Slightly Abashed - The Talismaniacs,” modified design by Anita
Cropped leather jacket (à la Lucrazy) with "Talismaniacs Raisin Hell" embroidered on the back
A Multi-colored Amorcito Pear apron for Tracy
Lulu’s red floor-length gown made to look like naughty underwear
The
blue off the sleeve dress Camila wore to the wedding; the one she
didn't choose after trying them on out shopping with Pedro that day…it
was my favorite of the trying on session.
Rita
and Rennie’s hand crafted from gently used
headbands--short-short-skorts made out of 100% silk (dry clean only) or
100 % cotton
Fine lawn handkerchiefs with MI CHEQUE embroidered on the corner
Large avocado green table napkins with Wait For It, ES MIO stiched in yellow across the middle
Toy Department
Blow-up Glitter Mask Girl doll for Lucas. Doris is temporarily unavailable
Blow-up Pedro doll for Lucrecia. Washable, safe for drooling manicomio inmates
Grocery Department
Fresno’s
Own Chocolatier™ selling individually, silver foil-wrapped replicas of
Beltbuckle's last big meltdown in dark, indio xocoatl.
Holy Guacamole – blessed by the Padre, comes in flash frozen packs. Defrost, grab some Tostitos from Maria’s kitchen or Ulises stop ‘n shop on LQNPA, dip, scoop and enjoy.
Edible Hats
Cosmetic and Hair Care Products Department
Fresh stock of Insta-Curl, for those desiring the HAIR, or the natural Aaron ‘luke’
Q=Speaking of hair, how about Cam's wedding 'do? That was some massive brioche on her head (attributed to the Cap’n)
A=Suave Products: attaching pastry to women's heads since 1942 (attributed to Blue Lass)
I'm going to go right out and buy some Suave Keratin Infusion Smooth and Shine Feel so I, too, can have el “luke” de Sarita
Special – Today Only
Coupon for The Only Frock ‘n Beauty (& Transplant) Salon™ in Fresno for Camila to get a brain, some pretty clothes and a decent hairdo. She is just plain dull.
Instant
wedding kits with overnight delivery; crate includes strapless satin
dress, rings, champagne, a selection of elegant foods on trays, flowers,
and Suave hair smoother. Kevlar vests sold separately.
Book, CD and DVD Department
New children’s nighttime story book, "Gregorio’s Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Slumber Party."
The New Spanish-English Telenovela dictionary, complete with screenshots of important guapos and galanes (and gallinas).
New Hercule Poirot mystery series set in Fresno. In the first, One Big Yellow Underdog Pig, the famed Hercule arrives in Fresno by air to clear up a great mystery. He
checks into The Only Hotel Inn™ Fresno to take on the case of “What
*was* the rivalry between the two great families from El Tal and El
Alca” all about. He rents a car and driver, then makes a courtesy call to El Capitán. Mais oui, pour bonne chance, Le Capitaine aussi parle français. The
only clues he has are feathers, poison, a giant beltbuckle, some
interesting glitter masks, avocado pits and some kinky leather pants. He goes to see Brigitte at the Ho-House first. He’s pretty sure she has all the answers. Regrettablement, on his way to see her he has an accident when his automobile collides with an old turquoise colored Chevy. While
he’s in hospital being treated by Dr. Raúl, he learns that this
mis-story was made into a non-award winning Spanish-language telenovela
intentionally dumbed down for English-speaking audiences trying
desperately to improve their Spanish. Disappointed, he books a flight on the first plane back to France. However, before he can leave, Le Capitaine calls him for help on “The Case of the Missing Pants.” It had been assigned to Hawt Detective, but he’s been transferred to foot patrol.
Downloadable video of Rita and Rennie’s Awesome Crotch Shots (rated PG-13—suitable for the F¹ and F² girls, but not Santiagito)
A complete set of Aaron’s 10 favorite Westerns. Uncensored shoot ‘em dead in clouds of dust, blood and palpitating heart scenes. Individual DVD’s also available for rent from Tal*Martflix.
Angel
Motivational CDs for listening while driving between Fresno and LA or
Tijuana, "How to keep your avocados and your brains while surrounded by
lunatics and high-pitched shrieking."
Miscellaneous Department
100%
suede boda bag with leather, beaded fringe, tastefully leather-tooled
on the front, “Who’s Your Daddy?” The reverse has a blank space for the
purchaser to fill in.
Clearance on body bags. Some clerk made a typo in the order. It should have been bod-A bags (see above for detailed description of previous order).
Magic Eraser to get those pesky marker lines off your monitor (after you finish the Name Game)
Leftover Peacocks and Peahens. They
breed profusely, so in order to keep the population in check,
substitute marble eggs (the hen is too stupid to know the difference,
except she can count, so make sure you do before making substitutions*). Fertilized peacock eggs are not that tasty, but in a pinch, they can be fed to El Piggorio. *this is true
Fresno Yacht Club Grand Finale Celebration Glassware, from shot glasses to supersize. If you are lucky, one of them will have an exact duplicate of MI CHEQUE in it, although it has no value.
Slightly used Yacht, for sale by Oscar, who is moving to Montana.
Julia’s Secure Locks, a Best Buy, but hardly ever used appropriately.
Reformulated Luminol—picks up bacon grease stains
New
line of sympathy cards by Ufforea™ (what Pedro felt when this was
over). Appropriate for both the dead, the un-dead, the newly dead and
the nearly dead cast and crew of El Talismán.
Labels: Talisman
Saturday, June 16, 2012
El Talismán #98 Fri 6/15/12 Bodas and a BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG! (Complete)
Old sins cast long shadows. M Hercule Poirot
La Joint Boda de
Sarita, Gabriel, Genoveva and Tomás:
Something besides a boda is up at El Tal. There is
“The Plan.” The living room is all decorated, the guests are
gathered. Tracy has talked
Panchito into taking her to the wedding and they arrive last. She’s in a
sharp looking aqua dress and he’s in a fancy Piggorio look-alike red shirt and
blue jeans. Antonio is also in blue jeans, Camila in a shiny beige off
the shoulder, gathered front, tight fitting dress (no baby bump yet). If
Lucrazy weren’t crazy, she’d be a natural recruit for the next formal wear
catalog from Talbot’s. She looks gorgeous in her red, floor length,
bosom-revealing gown. A real knockout. Pedro is tieless but not
clueless. There are whisperings and shifty looks among Pedro, Margarito,
Antonio and Valentín. Lucrazy is alert and watchful—she’s not going to
let Pedro out of her sight. Camila asks permission of Antonio if she can
go up and see the brides. Obviously Antonio would be embarrassed to say
no in front of all these people, so he accedes to her request. Once
upstairs, Camila relaxes with her friends. The brides know of “the plan”
but wonder why Camila doesn't just call the police already. Camila pins
Sarita's hair and both she and Geno thank Camila profusely. Downstairs,
Pedro and Antonio engage in very small talk. When is the sorpresa, asks
Antonio. Soon, answers Pedro. Antonio suggests that maybe it’s time
for Pedro to marry Lucrecia. Padre talks to Pedro alone. He must be
in on “the plan,” too, since he warns Pedro to please act natural around
Antonio so he doesn’t suspect anything. Padre is ready to begin.
Upstairs, Camila starts out the door only to be surprised by
Lucrecia, who came up to get some papers or something for the Padre. She
warns her to Stay Away from Pedro. She knows Camila is still in love with
Pedro and married or not, she’s a threat to her snagging Pedro, so Stay Away or
Else. Camila gives as well as she gets. She tells Lulu to ask Pedro
why he doesn’t love her. It’s none of Camila’s business. Sarita and
Geno give a couple of good yanks to their very elegant strapless wedding gowns
and touch up their hair with a special Suave product within reach and they are
ready, too. They leave the can of spray stuff on the bureau for a camera
close-up and exit. Pedro comes up to escort the brides down. He’ll
be walking Sarita up to Gabe and Geno’s father (we guess) is doing the honors
for her. Tracy is crying the
hardest. Panchito apparently told her that if he had a ring on him right
now, he’d ask her to be his novia. She’s in heaven dreaming of her own
boda now. Lucrazy is daydreaming of her wedding day to Pedro.
Pachelbel’s Canon accompanies the brides. This is a double wedding and
both brides are beautiful. Gabe is definitely in love with his
bride. No buyer’s remorse here after all. Tomás tries to take a
peek down Geno’s décolletage as she recites her vows. No buyer’s remorse
here either. The vows go on without incident and they are pronounced
husbands and wives. Everyone claps as the couples get to kiss. Now
it’s time to paaaarty. Champagne
flows.
O.M.Gawd, a new character shows up! On the last
day?! She must have won the drawing to be an extra at the wedding with a
few lines of dialog from among the thousands of entries. It’s
Carmen. Sarita does her excited mouse squeak. Carmen hugs the
Padre, so she must be a graduated orphan.
Antonio and Pedro cross paths again. Antonio clues
Pedro in that he knows the baby Camila is expecting is Pedro’s, but it won’t do
Pedro any good because as her husband, he’ll claim the child as his. He’s
planning on taking Camila far away to raise the child together. With a
sly look on his face, Pedro clues Antonio in that that is why there are such
things as DNA tests. Antonio says,
ha-ha, you’ll have to find her first (Antonio is quite delusional, no? He
wanted El Alca all for himself, yet he’s going to move away so Pedro can’t
order a DNA test on him. Hmmm.)
In Piggorio’s Gloomy Room-1:
The Pig is in bed, hog-tied (sort of) and in comes
Lucas. The Pig doesn't speak or move, but says Dios Mio in his head. He
can't believe Lucas is there. Lucas sees he’s still alive, Oh, Happy Day (not
really). Lucas and Doris gloat over his condition and discuss their plans
for him as if he couldn’t hear them, while of course wanting him to hear it
all. Doris can't wait to be Mrs. Pig Negrete and
all that entails. She tells Lucas she wants a legal marriage license now, not a
fake one. After The Pig is gone, Antonio might check the documents and
discover they are fake. She doesn’t want to risk it. The drawback
is, that paralyzed he cannot sign the marriage license. Lucas can arrange
that but brings up payment. It’s going to cost her a million dollars,
chump change for what this rancho is worth. Doris’
head is swimming with dollars, once she is married to Piggorio, of
course. No prob—they call Jaime, Doc-Not, who happens to be visiting Rita
and Rennie. The conspirators tell Jaime they need something to reverse
the paralysis, even if it’s temporary, so he can sign stuff and say
Acepto. Jaime says he can lower the dose temporarily so the Pig is able
to move and speak, and then up the dose and he'll be dead in days. Jaime
says he’ll be right over.
Elvira Moves Out of María’s Place:
Armando and Elvira apparently were not invited to the
wedding, so they are together at María’s. She’s musing about her own,
very own, new apartment. Army is, say what?? Yes, she’s got
Rennie’s apartment. All she has to do is pay off a couple of months left
on the mortgage with money she’s going to get from Antonio. Her son does
not believe she’s back to trusting that Rennie nor going to get money from the Ant.
Elvira swears that this time it will be different, there’s no reason for Rennie
to try to cheat her since he’s leaving for Florida
today and the Ant has already promised the money. Elviral invites Army to
come live with her, but he’d rather stay where he is. He’s sure Rennie is
deceiving her. No, no absolutely not, Elvira replies, she’s checked it
out and it seems to check out (honey what exactly did you check out, tell
us). If he wants to stay at María’s, that’s his business, she’s going to
go pack. Elvirus is now ready to roll and her parting conversation
doesn’t go well. She tells Army he’s so ungrateful. He reminds her
that if it weren’t for Tía and Angel, who knows what would have become of
them. ElVirulent thinks he’s exaggerating. She warns her son that
Angel could run him off any time. He only used you to get to Florencia
Negrete. Cara impactada.
Army lays it on hard. He says she’s been everything
*except* a mother. The lady protests that all she ever did was give him
her love, helped him become a man, have him help her—his mother—and his sister
Camila. He tells her not to bring Camila into this conversation.
Hasn’t she realized yet, that of all the things she did to her family, the
worst was that she ruined Camila’s life? For that he will never forgive
her. She can’t believe that her children didn’t value everything she did
for them. SLAM goes the door.
Elvira is so outta there with her little red suitcase.
M&M visit El
Capitán:
Manuel and María have arrived together at the police station
to ask El Capitán how the investigation into Mariana’s
murder is going. Well, El Capo says it’s still on-going. Manuel is
not convinced they’re doing enough. It’s not right to set aside the death
of an innocent woman. El Capo is a little offended. He has no intention
of setting the investigation aside. The deed will not go
unpunished. They tried to get a statement from Don Gregorio, but
unfortunately, he’s ill and couldn’t do it. Manuel doesn’t believe a word
of that. El Capo assures him it’s true. He has suffered an embolia
(we keep thinking they are calling it an imbroglio—how fitting) and can’t
speak—and as a doctor, Manuel should know what that involves. Manuel is
cara impactada.
R&R Vacate To Vacation in FL:
On cue, Jaime arrives at Rita and Rennie’s to see their bags
are packed, ready to leave on a jet plane. But first, Renato wants his
share of the money Antonio is going to pay them. He can’t, he hasn’t been
paid yet, but promises to send the money to Rennie (says one grifter to
another). Rennie says he’ll be in touch and send him his contact
information. He and Rita want to be kept informed on what’s going on with
the Negretes—there’s a lot of money in play—oh, and include the bank account
number where he’s depositing the check. Jaime gets the phone call from
Lucas and skedaddles. As Rita and Rennie head for the door, Elvira shows
up, pithed because they were supposed to have been long gone. Renato
tells her off—she’s the worst thing that ever happened to him in his
life. ‘Til Never, Elvira. The two make it to the airport and
through security (we bet the TSA guys fought
over who would give Rita a pat down) and are waiting for their flight to
Florida, (land of moneyed widows). They chuckle over what Elvira will
discover about the apartment.
In Piggorio’s Gloomy Room-2:
Doris and Lucas are now snuggling on the bed, right in front
of the Pig. Lucas has his arm around Doris and they are
just rubbing it in to the Pig. The Pig doesn't move, just stares at them, and
swears venganza. The drug Jaime has promised might not take effect until
night time and Doris is concerned about Antonio, Camila
and Florencia being in the house. She’ll take a chance, though.
Jaime finally arrives with the poison-reversal dosage; he can’t just pick it up
at the corner drugstore, don’tcha know. Oh, and who, btw, is going
to pay him? Doris will—after she inherits the
place (and Jaime is apparently ok with this). Jaime says by this evening
the Pig will be able to move. Piggorio is now pretending to be asleep.
Lucas makes Jaime stay with the Pig. Doris can’t
be expected to watch him all by herself. He is to call Lucas as soon as
he gets some speech and movement back, capish? Doris
is like finally she will be the Dueña of Alcatrash. She has a strange
gleam in her eyes, and throws her arms open wide, bwwwhhhhhaaa.
“The Plan”:
Festivities at the boda are on high. Pedro slips away;
Margarito starts moving toward the exit; Antonio and Valentín are
alerted; Camila looks suspicious; Lucrecia starts to follow Pedro, but Antonio
stops her and brings her back telling her to keep an eye on Camila and for no
reason let her leave the house. He’s going to see where Pedro went—and
no, don’t worry, he’s not going to do anything to Pedro. Val delays Margo
from leaving by saying, long time, no see, amigo, why not have a trago
together. Margo declines.
Pedro is racing across the lawn toward El Alcatrash,
Margarito chases after him. Margaro thinks he’s nuts to do this
alone. Pedro says he has to. Margaro returns to the reception and
tells Lulu that Pedro went to get more champagne. Pedro makes into Val’s
office, separate from the main building and gets down to business. He
forces the cabinet door open, where he is sure the vials are and holds them up
in triumph. Oh, oh, here comes Antonio through the door behind
Pedro. What have we here, he says, caught with the hands in the
dough. Antonio is so sorry to have found him because he’ll have to shoot
him for trespassing. The d*ck-head delays long enough for Pedro to go off
before the gun goes off. The flasks break. Pedro trashes the office
and taunts Antonio to shoot already. Ooops, he does (we could have sworn
the “sorpresa” was to put blanks in the gun beforehand). Pedro goes down
face first. Mama Mia, he’s Muerto—at least that’s what Antonio
thinks. He doesn’t even kick him or turn him over—bad job, dude.
Fortunately for Camila, the shot was to the shoulder and not in his avocados.
Flor and Angel have sneaked back to El Alca because daddy’s
not home and mommy doesn’t care, to smooch in the hallway (come on Angel, find
an empty room.) They hear the shot ring out and go to see what happened. Doris
also hears the shot and wonders what it was. She tells Flor sadly that
sooner or later her daddy is going to go to jail. Cara impactada de Flor.
Antonio is outta there. Running back across the lawn
towards El Tal, he shoots Margaro, on his way to see what happened. He’s
fatally shot (not quite) in the stomach. Bleeding profusely, he knows he
bought the farm. But wait, here comes Pedro, holding his shoulder to
kneel and cradle Margaro. After some anguished pleading not to die, Pedro
manages to pull out his cell phone and calls for an ambulance. He leaves
Margaro and heads toward the reception.
Not “The Plan”:
The wedding reception is in full swing, when Ooops, Antonio
shows up out of nowhere and grabs Camila around the neck, from behind and
points the gun at the guests—Hostage Situation—Call 911. Antonio says
nobody move or he’ll shoot Camila. His demented self is blathering on
about loving Camila more than anyone else at the wedding—waving his gun
around. He adores her; she’s his wife; she *HAS*
to love him. Antonio would rather have her dead than with that indio.
He turns to her in her panic and instructs her that she’s going to *learn* to
love him (he repeats this endlessly for the next 35 min or so, so we will not
repeat it again). Camila screams, “Suélteme,” she’s not going
anywhere with him. He doesn’t obey but starts screaming for the keys to
the truck—where are the keys to the truck—gimmie the keys or I’ll start
shooting everybody. Lucrecia wants to know where Pedro is. With a
maniacal grin he says Pedro is Muerto. Lucrazy lunges at him, but the
folks hold her back. Tomás tries to reason with Antonio. Tranquilo,
hombre, Camila is his wife, she’ll do what he wants, she’ll go with him.
Camila is still screaming she doesn’t love him, never will. Gabriel
finally hands over the keys.
Kidnapping in Progress:
The only way Antonio has to keep Camila from jumping out the
other side of the truck is to knock her out cold. Antonio is outta
there. Pedro comes running and tries to get into the back of the truck,
but it’s weaving madly and he gets dropped by the side of the driveway.
Antonio and Camila are holed up in what looks like a hotel
room. Brilliant idea, since it’s The Only Hotel Inn™ Fresno.
Camila is bleeding from the forehead and Antonio is lovingly applying cotton
balls (what his are made of) to staunch the bleeding. He says he’s still
willing to forgive her. All she has to do is fall in love with him;
that’s all. Camila is agitated, the only one she’ll ever love until she dies is
PEDRO. The Giant Beltbuckle starts to get rough with her, Pedro is
Muerto; she’s in love with a dead man. Doesn’t she realize all that he
could have given her, if she had just loved him? Camila wants him to let
her go. He can’t. All he ever wanted was a happy family like any
other normal couple, but no, just look at how she paid him. It’s Camila’s fault
that he turned into this (we say, who writes this stuff anyway).
Antonio tries to feed Camila soup. She refuses.
He appeals to her maternal feelings; do it for your baby. He cares for
the child as if it were going to be his own. Cam
says her child needs nothing from him. She screams at his fantasy of
having a perfect family with her. Antonio tries again to get her to have
some soup. She throws the dish full soup at him.
Antonio has trussed up and gagged Camila. He’s pulled
the curtains. He’s cleaned up the soup from his face (Damn Aaron looks
fine with his HAIR unglued, falling across his forehead in dark and curly
locks. What a hunk. If he’d looked like this when he first met
Camila, she’d surely have fallen for him instead of Pedro. Then we’d have
had an entirely different telenovela titled, El Alcatraz. Too late, that
yacht has left the dock.) Antonio is still singing the same old song
about how happy they would be with her at his side, with this baby and all the
other children they will have. Camila is crying through her gag while he
shakes her. He would have given her everything, what more does she want?
Miraculous Recoveries in Progress:
Pedro is ok. He’s at the hospital recovering with a
sling around his arm and wearing a traditional white hospital nighty.
Dr. Raúl is leaning over him. They were able to get to Margaro in time
and he’s in serious condition, but will probably recover. Pedro struggles
with the Doc to get out of there and go after Camila. Doc tells him that
no one knows where they are, but the police are looking for them
everywhere. Padre comes in next, but isn’t very hopeful. El
Capitán is next, but is very hopeful. All exits are covered,
highways, airports, even other states have been alerted, but so far, no sign of
them. Pedro just can’t sit there with his brazos cruzados while Camila is
out there. El Capo understands how he feels, but even if Pedro knew where
they were, how would he resolve the situation by himself.
Santiago is
praying over a comatose Margaro telling him that even though he wasn’t his real
father, he’s always been good to him and Margaro can’t leave him. >>FF
(this was the only one, can you believe it.)
Now it’s Lulu who comes to the hospital to see Pedro.
She complains that she had to throw a tantrum to get in, Mi Amor. The
reason, he replies, is that he didn’t want to see her and left instructions not
to let her in. He finally gets his avocados back and tells her to get
lost. He never cared for her. Lulu is crushed. He goes on—all
she ever did was pressure him and that’s not how things are done. Lulu
reminds him that he promised that if she changed, they’d have a chance.
Wait a min there, he yells over top, how can she say she loves someone she’s
harmed so much. With that he dismisses her with a Lárgate, pero ya,
Vete. Pedro has veted himself out of the hospital and hops in La Viejita
with Gabriel at the wheel.
Val Gets Grilled:
El Capitán has him at the
station. He wants to know where Antonio has taken Camila. Valentín
swears he knows nothing. He only saw what everyone else did at the
reception. And no, the Beltbuckle never told him what the plan was,
although he told him there was a plan. Like the disappearance of Mariana,
maybe, aims El Capo. Val wants to know what does one have to do with the
other. Antonio told him to go to the wedding, even though he didn’t want
to. Whirling around and what about the explosion near the airport, El
Capo tries again to trip him up. Val says No, No, No. Careful bud,
says the captain, they have plenty of information on him and the Negretes, but
not sufficient proof, or not sufficient enough proof to prosecute.
In Piggorio’s Gloomy Room-3:
The Pig is still in bed, but not letting anyone know he can
now move and speak. The Pig wants Panchito. Back from the wedding,
Panchito comes in, just as if he heard his Papa Pig with ESP.
Jaime leaves Panchito while he goes to get something to eat. As soon as Jaime
is gone the Pig says he can move his arms and hands. He doesn't want Panchito
to say anything, he just wants Panchito to listen. He tells him to go get a
notary, move it, go, and don't let anyone see him and tell no one.
Lucas comes back and says oh, still alive. He tells
him that if he signs on the dotted line, he’ll have a painless death. Doris
comes in with the Judge. The Judge says, oh, so sorry you are sick. The Judge
asks the Pig if he is voluntarily marrying Doris and The
Pig says sí. Ah, Mi Amor now they can get married, Oh, Happy Day.
The ceremony is short and sweet (not really). The Pig signs and now Doris
is la Sra. Doris de Negrete de Negrete, Queen of El
Alcatrash!! Finally, bwaaaahhhhhaaa. Lucas has a sh*t eating grin on his face. Doris
and the Judge leave and Lucas tells the Pig, too bad he has to die. Well,
everyone has to die. It was all a matter of business, nothing personal.
The Pig tells Lucas to enjoy Doris while he can.
Don Gregorio tells himself to hang on until the notary arrives.
Panchito has brought the notary to Alcatrash. He tells the
notary to be quiet and follow him, and don't let anyone see him. Doris and
Lucas are coming out of The Pig's room, and Panchito has to quick, pull the
notary into an adjacent room so no one will see them. They are hiding out, as
Lucas and Doris are happily counting their chickens before they hatch, so to
speak. Lucas is sooo happy he wants to get en flagrante with Doris
asap. Doris is like here at Altrash, why not it’ll be
hers soon. The Pig is wondering why it is taking Panchito and the notary
so long to get there. Jaime is with the Pig and tells him business is
business. In a little while he'll be already to go to the grave. Doris
has brought Flor in to say goodbye. Flor is just so upset. She sits on
her Granpa Pig's bed and cries and says she’s so sorry for all the bad she and
Fabi did. She is crying and kissing his cheek. The Pig is thinking he's sorry
he won't be around for Flor and is apologizing in his head to her.
El Presidente Arrives in Fresno:
Amid all the commotion in various parts of Fresno
and its environs, President Obama has arrived to deliver an important
speech. From the steps of The Only White House Inn™Fresno,
he announces that he’s personally suspending the deportation of young people
under 30 now who were brought to the U.S.
by undocumented parents under the age of 16. Bravo. Santiago
is safe from ICE.
Elvira Moves Into Rennie’s Place:
Elvira is luxuriating in her new, very own pad. She
looks so happy and self-satisfied (and so alone). She grabs a coffee and
the remote, turns on the tv just in time to hear that Flight 666 from Fresno
just exploded in mid-air. No survivors. (Tell us that this isn’t
lame. They copied Doña Bernarda de Iturbide in Triunfo de Amor, letra por
letra—poor innocent victims, we said, and viewerville didn’t get to see her
suffer.) Elvira’s stunned. But, Elvira just picks herself up, dusts
herself off and starts trying again. She goes to a lawyer, probate, no
doubt. She’s dressed in appropriately in black. No her late husband
had no family, except a..a..a..niece, but she died in the same crash.
Well, the helpful lawyer will check the records to see if it was in Renato’s
name and if everything is in order, the apartment is hers. She mentions
the mortgage. He sees no problem if she continues to make the
payments. Elvira is relieved since there are only a couple of months left
to pay.
End of Final Recap - co-authored by Anita, Madelaine and
Rosemary La Otra, additional tweaking and posting by Blue Lass.
Rescue in Progress:
Antonio is pleading with Camila, if she had only loved him,
they could have been enjoying life. As it is, they have to flee and he’ll
lose everything he had. Camila is still gagged so no one can tell what
she’s trying to say. The Beltbuckle finally loosens and removes the
gag. Camila whimpers, please, let her go. The BB says no, they can
ever be separated. She *is* going to fall in love with him, understand
(we know, we promised, but this is absolutely the last time we say it).
Camila pretends to be asleep on the bed with The Ant, him
with the gun still in his hand. She moves slowly, takes the cell phone and
calls 911. At that point he wakes up and Camila provokes a fight.
He doesn't know the cell call actually went thru and the police at the station
track down his location. They call El Capitán who
is with Pedro and Padre at the hospital and tell him that the
call originated from The Only Hotel Inn™ Fresno.
El Capo marshals his forces and stakes out the hotel. He is sure this
must be where Antonio has sequestered Camila since the truck he was driving was
found nearby. Detective Hawt comes running up to tell the Capo that they
are in Room 24. (Eww – we are so over our crush on Hawt Detective.
Did you see him run? We might give him a break, this is a critical
situation.) They plan the assault. They turn to see Pedro hopping
out of La Viejita. El Capo shakes his head, just what they needed,
eh? What on earth is he doing here, he asks Pedro. He needs to
leave and not interfere. Gabriel is ok with leaving, but Pedro insists on
staying. So they put Pedro in the back of a patrol car (no cuffs and the
window is down—tsk, tsk, bad police procedure; someone will need to take a
refresher course).
Inside Room 24, Antonio is telling Camila what they will
have to do to evade discovery. They’ll have to leave at night to minimize
the risks. Camila looks miserable. All of a sudden, they hear,
“Antonio Negrete—we have you surrounded.” Said Antonio goes NUTS.
The gorgeous bandito puts a gun to Camila’s head and inches her toward the
door. Pedro goes NUTS on seeing Camila in danger and he’s still in the
patrol car. When nobody is looking, he reaches through the open window
and lets himself out.
Obviously Antonio has not planned far enough ahead. He
abandoned the truck, so all he can do is stand there, gun to Camila’s
head. El Capitán, man of action, waits for no
(other) man. He takes the first shot and gets The Belt in the leg.
How he managed to miss Camila is a wonder in sharpshooting. The Belt
keeps shouting, Es Mía, Es Mi Esposa, but lets go of Camila and she drops to
the ground. A cop runs to her. The Belt starts firing at the
cops and he goes down in a hail of bullets. (Aaron, honey, you can die on
our front steps anytime; you are a pro—best dying scene in a long time.)
Freed from the patrol car, Pedro rushes to embrace an hysterical Camila, while
in the background, they can hear Antonio calling her name as he dies.
Pedro and Camila cry emotionally in each others arms hugging and kissing at
their good fortune.
In Piggorio’s Gloomy Room-4:
Enrique, the Notary, an old friend of the Pig's enters and
the Pig tells Panchito to guard the door from the outside while the Pig has a
conference with Enrique. After Panchito leaves, Pig tells him this is the last
job he'll ever have to do for him and to listen well and to do exactly as he
says.
Now Jaime is alone with the Pig and Panchito has come back
in. He tells Panchito he is in charge and Panchito asks his Papa how he is?
Jaime just laughs and says oh, this is HIS Papa. He leaves. As soon as Jaime
leaves, the Pig talks to Panchito and tells him to listen, just listen cause
it's important. To the infernal strains of a Devil’s Chorus, he tells him his
legal name now is Francisco Negrete. Just then Lucrazy bursts in,
interrupting a sweet father-son moment to ask him to forgive her for all she
has done. She is crying and he puts his arm around her. She needs his
help you see, to get Pedro back. (Look Lulu, Papa is dying, he can't help, jus'
sayin'). He just holds her as she cries. Doris and Jaime come back
in. Doris drags Lucrazy away from Papa Pig and
exit while Jaime examines the Pig and says his heart is very weak, and will
give out soon. Panchito wants to know really, how is his condition and Jaime
tells him, his organs are failing, his mind soon will too, and he doesn't have
long. Panchito is extremely upset, he wants Jaime to help the Pig, do
something. He tells Panchito he is sorry.
Ding Dong the Bell
Tolled for Thee:
Alberta has
just heard about The Beltbuckle’s rusty end and is telling Doris.
For some reason, it’s Tracy that
will relate the news to El Piggorio and Panchito. Panchito is so upset he
is a little rude to Tracy because
he’s trying to get Jaime to do something for his father. Tracy
has come to tell them something, but Panchito doesn't want to listen.
Finally she yells out that the Beltbuckle is dead! Just then The Pig
yells at Jaime, "doctor," takes his arm out from under the covers,
points the gun he had in his hand at Jaime and tells him this is for Antonio
and shoots him dead, right in front of Panchito and Tracy. Panchito has
the deer in the headlights "luke" and is shocked, but the Pig isn't
done yet. The Pig now says, he ain't waitin for no death, he’s coming for it,
raises the pistol and shoots........
We interrupt the scene with this well known little ditty,
from the Wizard of Oz:
Ding Dong the Pig is Dead
Shot himself in the head
Ding Dong the Wicked Pig is dead.
Sing it high, sing it low
Ding Dong the Wicked Pig is Dead
Un Mes and/or Mess Después:
1) The happy newlyweds are having a picnic at El Tal.
On the menu is Domino’s Pizza, delivered. They are certainly enjoying the
pizza. It shows. Geno and Tomás announce they are staying in Fresno.
It’s a great place to start a family—no, no, they aren’t expecting, yet.
Sarita and Gabe are thrilled and Gabe actually starts talking about a
family-starting business, but not just yet. Sarita still owes him several
more stories (like Saucy Red Riding Hood / Big Bad Wolf).
2) Camila is with Armando and Angel at María’s cum Angel’s
apartment. She’s finally getting her interrupted civil ceremony tomorrow
in order to be married to Pedro every which way she can. But wait, the
doorbell rings, No Puede Ser, it Elvira wanting to talk to Camila—Alone.
Did she hear correctly? She’s marrying Pedro? Camila reminds her
she’s actually already married to Pedro, doesn’t she understand that?
Camila doesn’t want to argue; she loves her mother, wants her to be happy, but
please leave her in peace. Elvira won’t quit while she’s not ahead.
She tells Camila that someday she’ll know who Pedro really is and predicts that
Camila will come crying back to her and she’ll be there to console her because
Pedro is not the right man for her (for pity sakes, woman, leave it alone; get
a life; start with anti-sour grape shots and stop spreading unwanted
germs). Camila carefully considers what to say to her mother. She
decides that Elvira is a lost cause, a lost soul, so with a minimum of sarcasm
says, great, she’ll call her.
3) Pancho and Tracy are in the El Alca kitchen
chatting. Pancho gets all mooney and romantic and Tracy
gets her ring and a marriage proposal. He doesn’t want to wait. He
wants to leave because he knows Doris will inherit
everything as Don Gregorio’s widow.
4) Dr. Raúl tells Camila and Pedro that they are going to be
the parents of a baby girl. They are overjoyed and yes, they are going to
name her Mariana.
5) Doris breaks the news to a
zoned-out Lucrecia that she’s off to the manicomio today, right after they read
the will. Lucrecia is sad because if she’s locked in a manicomio, Pedro
won’t be able to find her when he comes for her. Doris
says foggeddaboudit, she doesn’t want any loquitas in *her* house. Next
she goes to the household help and tells them she’s letting them go and they
should be prepared to leave immediately after the will is read. They are
useless and she has no need of them any longer.
6) Here comes Enrique the Notary to read El Piggorio’s
will. Doris can hardly contain her
excitement. She knows Don G left everything to her, so chop, chop, get
with the program, it can’t be very long. Enrique tells her she’s quite
correct, it’s comprised of few lines. She listens as he begins, “I,
Gregorio Negrete, being of sound mind and body…” and urges him to get to the
good part “….leave everything to the most loyal person in my family—as long as
that person keeps the household staff on, treats them well, pays them well,
takes care of my granddaughters and my only daughter, Lucrecia.” To Doris,
he leaves the thing she wanted the most—his love, bwwwwaaaahhhhhhaaaa.
His heir is to be Francisco Gomez, aka Pancho, Negrete, his son. Doris
has a cara impactada, especially when she hears the codicil that she’s the one
who has to, Wait For It, LARGATE DE MI RANCHO immediately. (That's what
you get for aiding and abetting, just sayin'.)
7) The last that is seen of Doris,
she is over at Ho-House crying to Brigitte who takes pity on her.
Life must go on, is her philosophy, as she hands her a glitter mask,
saying, “Catherine is back.” At least Doris
*has* a steady job (for which she should be grateful, in this economy, just
sayin’).
8) Panchito observes Looney Lu imagining Pedro at her
side. Panchito gently tells her not to worry, he’s found a way to help
her. Instead of wringing his hands, he’s been wringing his hat, which is
now in shreds. Looney Lu is to start treatments tomorrow. Lu just
looks straight ahead murmuring that she knows Pedro can’t live without her and
he’ll come for her.
Días Después:
Armando comes to Elvira’s new, very own, apartment to say
goodbye. Right after Camila’s wedding ceremony, he’s leaving for Canada.
He leaves Elvira on a sad note. Then she hears a knock on the door and
thinks it’s Army coming back to her. A bunch of men are standing
there. They are the repo men along with an official with an eviction
notice. But, it’s MIO, she only owes another month to pay off the
mortgage. Señora, the note on this apartment hasn’t been paid for two
years. He instructs the repo men to start clearing the place.
Renato got the last laugh.
La Extra Final
Final No More Bodas At El Tal:
The radiant couple descends the carpeted stairway (Whew!!
Camila made it all the way down without falling. Good omen.) The
Aceptos are accepted by the Judge and that’s it. Smiles and kisses, more
smiles (of relief we would say) more kisses, a little speech from Pedro on how
sick and tired he got after all the drama, but en fin, there is a big POR
FIN. SE ACABO!
Post Script
BOOM! Flight 666
explodes in the air. No survivors. Tiger print fabric cascades to
the ground (in our imagination). RIP Rita and Rennie. You both
offered the viewing audience (all 8 of us) some awesome crotch shots.
Answers to the Match the Quotes Game:
1. Elvira -
Todo esto es MIO
2. El
Capitán - Te tenemos rodeado
3. Valentín
- No se nada
4. Renato -
Hasta Nunca, Elvira
5. Camila -
Dejame en PAZ
6. Lucrecia
- Mi AMOR
7. Antonio
- Dame las llaves del camion
8. Rita -
No seas tonto con nuestro dinero
9. Jaime - Business is Business
10. Dr. Raúl - Va a ser una Niña
Labels: Talisman
El Talismán Pre-Finale Special Fri 6/15/12 It Came In With A Whimper and Went Out With Bodas and a BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG!
This final recap is being brought to you in Several Parts by
THE FEW -- THE SLIGHTLY ABASHED -- THE TALISMANIACS
"All for one and one for Alternate Fresno!"
To begin the Gran Final, we invite you to play a Match the Quotes to the name game. Draw a line from the quote to the person who said it. You may rely on your memory or not. They all come from Friday’s two-hour episode.
Answers will be at the end of Part II.
1. Todo esto es MIO Lucrecia
2. Te tenemos rodeado Camila
3. No se nada Antonio
4. Hasta Nunca, Elvira Dr. Raúl
5. Dejame en PAZ Jaime
6. Mi AMOR-L Valentin
7. Dame las llaves del camion Rita
8. No seas tonto con nuestro dinero Renato
9. Business is Business Elvira
10. Va a ser una Niña El Capitán
To Continue with the Gran Final, we invite you to enjoy the following original poem.
THE DEATHS OF PIG AND BELTBUCKLE
JABBERWOCKY
a skewed version
Por Luis Carroll y R la O
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All nerviosos were the El Tal empleados
And the raisins withered on the vine.
“Beware the Negretes, Pedro!
The jaws that bite, the claws that slap!
Beware the One Called Pig, and shun
The frumious Beltbuckle!”
He took his long lost gun in hand:
Long time the shirtless foe he sought
So rested he by the avocado tree,
And stood awhile in thought.
And, as in dazed thought he stood,
The Prince of Darkness, with bloodshot eyes,
Came panting through the cemetery
And hiccuped as he came!
Uno, dos! Uno, dos! And through Alcatraz
The long needled syringe went in Pig's neck
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galloping back.
“And, has thou slain the Sneering Ones?
Come to my arms, my clueless hombre!
O delicioso day! Caray! Caray!
He snorted in his coffee.
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All painted were the glitter girls
And the raisin vines plumped up.
Since Viewerville was shortchanged by at least 20 episodes, we have taken the liberty of restoring them for you.
The Missing Episodes—In Which:
#105 – Through DNA tests it is shown that an unknown person of indigenous blood lines fathered Antonio.
#107 – No gold, oil or historical ruins were found on the back 40 of El Talisman. Don Gregorio's coveting the rancho was revealed to be pure greed.
#109 – Through DNA tests it is shown that Camila really is Esteban’s daughter after all.
#111 – Elvira is found homeless and wandering around the streets of Los Angeles pulling her little red suitcase.
#112 – Army gets enough money together to go to Canada. Angel follows. The cousins and Flor and Fab become Canadian citizens.
#113 – Francisco Negrete (aka Panchito) and Tracy get married. Tracy makes all the hors d’oeuvres for the reception. Panchito picks his nose during the ceremony.
#115 – The Orphans arrive from Mexico and among them is Santiago’s mother (don’t ask).
#117 – Valentin goes to Los Angeles trying to look for Mariana and runs into Elvira. They set up housekeeping together in a big cardboard box.
#119 – El Capitán finally has the pruebas he needs to charge Don Gregorio Negrete with various and sundry crimes. It has to be done in absentia or post mortem or whatever.
#120 – Meses después – BABY ARRIVES – She looks just like Camila and cries like her, too.
Labels: Talisman
Thursday, June 14, 2012
El Talismán #97 Thu 6/14/12 Tomorrow, Tomorrow…
Gregorio’s Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Slumber
Party:
Everybody is finding Papa Bear’s bed just right today. Now that Doris is gone, Elvira
climbs in and arranges herself in various seductive poses, reminding him of
what he’ll never enjoy again. Oh and by the way, she tells him, all that money
you were so fond of? I now have direct
access to it through my daughter. Elvira promises to come back and
visit…again and again and again. But first, she must give him the goodbye he
deserves…a hefty slap. Take that!
Doctorcito comes in to give Gregorio his next injection and
Panchito shucks and jives his way to the bedside, promising he won’t be any
trouble. Aw, gosh, he just wants to be near his Papa. Okay, says Dr. J, but you
owe me one – if I ever run into trouble at El ‘Traz, you have to help me. Sure
thing, boss, yessir. While the doc is distracted, Pancho palms the medicine
bottle. Gag thought-bubbles a lot of stuff we don’t care about re: how he
should have treated Pancho better when he could still move his limbs. Too late,
rutabaga.
La Casita de Frascos:
Amid the high-anxiety smoochies, Pedro manages to tell
Camila he has a plan. Gabriel and Sarita will get married TOMORROW and everyone
from El ‘Traz will be invited, including the servidumbre. He will take the
opportunity to case the joint for the medicine flasks with Mommy Dearest’s
fingerprints – all she has to do is make sure Antonio stays at the wedding.
Camila rabbits off to tell Antonio to put down the pistol
and take her home; she’s nauseous. Pedro pauses to say goodbye to the cabinet –
“I will come for you TOMORROW!” he pledges – and is surprised by Valentín, who
wants to know – all together now – “¿Qué haces aquí?” Pedro swears he was just
out for a stroll and Camila who? Val threatens to tell Tony that Pedro was
sniffing around; Pedro threatens to tell El Capitán that
Val killed Mariana. Cara muy impactada y twitchy de Valentín. Round one to
Pedro.
Antonio’s Casa de Amenazas:
Out in the sala, Camila is having another one of those “what
planet are you from?” conversations with her mother. Camila confesses that the
baby is Pedro’s, and Elvira tells her to just keep quiet about it. Not for
long, Camila says, because Pedro’s gonna fix all this TOMORROW. Your baby will
be rich, quoth the Nutmother; what else do you want? Oh, I dunno, maybe not to be held captive for the rest of
my life by a psycho pistolero monkey?
Antonio is skulking around in the hallway growing his beard
on fast-forward, and overhearing this conversation makes him even snarlier than
usual. He gets Elvira alone and tells her if she knows what’s good for her,
she’ll find out the details of Pedro’s little plan and report back to him
toot-sweet. “What about my dinero?” she asks. All right already, he says; I’ll
do a wire transfer. But after TOMORROW, Camila is shut up in the house until
the baby’s born, and I only want to see you if you’re changing diapers. What a
mensch.
Elvira dashes into Camila’s room, cries some crocodile
tears, apologizes for being Joan Crawford in a headband, and promises to help
with the Pedro Plan. Camila appears to fall for it hook, line and sinker…but
does she really tell her mother the whole story? And does Elvira really pass it
all on to Antonio? Guess we’ll find out TOMORROW.
El Departamento Three-Way:
Elvira shows up to tell Rennie she’s ready to buy him out.
He says he & Rita are flying out TOMORROW and she can move right in. Since
they’re still married, no property transfer is necessary. She suspects a trick,
but he says he’d do anything to be
divorced from her. She flounces out after wishing them a lovely plane crash and
death. Rennie promises Rita a whole new world of adventure and absolutely no more with the getting married.
Back at the ‘Traz:
Doctor Jaime comes back to give Don G his evening injection,
and Panchito slips the brown bottle back into his maletín. After he leaves,
Pancho tells the pig that he swapped the “medicine” for vitamins, and he’ll be
up & around in no time. Stalwart piglet! Too bad he only uses his
life-giving powers on one-celled organisms. Oh well; maybe he’ll have a chance
to save a human being later.
Around town:
-
Geno and Tomás announce that they too are getting
married TOMORROW, and Antonio says, “What are they putting in the food over
there?”
-
Angel asks Flor to be his novia, and she gives him the
capital-K Kiss.
-
Doris calls Lucas on the phone
and tells him that she must marry Gregorio TOMORROW.
-
Pedro admits to Gabe and Margarito that he should
probably have a Plan B in case something goes wrong. Ya think?
Setup for the Showdown:
Against all odds, it appears that TOMORROW has actually
arrived, and El Tal is in a flurry of wedding preparativos. Margarito joshes
with Gabriel that it is his last chance to escape, and Gabe answers that he
doesn’t have anywhere to go. I think he’s
joking. Pedro has gotten Sarita to make Lucrazy her madrina just to keep her
out of everyone’s hair. Oh, and he’s paying for the wedding, so I guess poor
Sarita figured she’d better go along with it.
All the El Tal men are looking dapper in black and white,
and Lucrazy struts in wearing the skintight bright red dress with slutty side cutouts
that every bride dreams of seeing on her maid of honor. Cue the bullfight
music: Camila makes a grand entrance on Antonio’s arm, and the two couples flare
nostrils across the room as a super-duper drumbeat of doom builds to a
crescendo…
Amigos, this bodatón is gonna be OPERATIC.
Labels: Talisman
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
El Talismán #96 Wed 6/13/12 The Pig Is Roasted, Toasted and Crisp But LuLu Has Found The Way
Well My Friend.....As one approaches the end, one begins to see life as it truly is. M. Hercule Poirot
I've rewritten a little ditty for you to sing while reading this recap. It is sung to the tune of "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" from Evita. (Kind of imitating EJ over there at Abismo).
Don't cry for me El Talisman
The truth is Caray Caray never really left you
All through the mad days
We were not left unfazed
We kept our promise
To recap this *hot mess*.
Now on to the recap.
Pedro, Lucrazy, the Beltbuckle and Cameela are in the living room talking about Cameela's baby. The Beltbuckle is insisting he is happy about the baby, and Cameela says she wants a girl, named Mariana. Pedro seems to get the name right away. The Beltbuckle is so not happy with this name. He says she died, and Pedro says not only died, but murdered.
Jamie the "doc" is in alone with the Pig who is now sequestered in his bed, unable to move or speak, he can blink his eyes but that is about it. Jaime is saying, you are now truly incapacitated. The Pig is thinking maybe Doris or Valentin will figure out what Jaime did to him and help him. Jaime must be good at reading thoughts, cause he tells the Pig, noone will figure this out, so noone will be able to help you.
Lucas and Doris are having an after en flagrante little convo and Doris wants to know exactly what Lucas was hired by the Beltbuckle to do. Well since Lucas in the afterglow of the en flagrante tells Doris that the med the "doc" is giving the Pig is meant only to incapacitate the Pig, but not to kill him. He says he will marry Doris and the Pig so she can attain her very grand ambition of becoming the Duena of Altrash.
The Beltbuckle, who for some strange reason, is looking fine today, gone is the scruffiness of his habille, is telling his company that his wife Cameela is very happy with him. She is trying not to roll her eyes, and is uncomforable having his arm around her. Valentin comes in and tells the Beltbuckle the workers are talking and want to know about the Pig. The Beltbuckle's company is looking at him enquiringly and he tells them, oh, didn't I tell you? The Pig had a stroke.
Army and Angel are having a meeting in the kitchen, of their apt, and Army is worried that the Virus is going to cause problems, now that she has hit the street. Angel says we can't do anything else for her. Let it be.
The Beltbuckle tells his assembled company that "doc" is with the Pig as we speak, monitoring him. Lucrazy is suspicious and asks to speak to the Beltbuckle alone. She pulls him into the hallway, which leaves are unhappy couple Cameela and Pedro, quite alone. The first thing Lucrazy asks the Beltbuckle if he is doing something, like maybe killing Papa Pig? Lucrazy says you did all this just to get Altrash.
The workers of Altrash have assembled, Panchito, Tracy, Alberta and Val are all talking about what has happened to the Lord and Master of Altrash. Panchito is the only one that is truly concerned. Val tells them, noone can get in to see the Pig, per the orders of the new Patron, The Beltbuckle. Panchito is truly upset and wants the truth. Valentin tells them he is under orders not to speak.
Sarita and Gabe are having another meeting about are you marrying me, yes or no. Sarita is not looking like her usual perky self. She looks like she hasn't slept in days. She wants to know, if by bugging him constantly about getting married, if that is why he suddenly wants to marry her? (No actually it was that little belly dance that did it, but he isn't telling her that). He tells her now he wants to marry her, truly, and it isn't an obligation. She wants to know seriously? He says yes, seriously, (and now the annoying peacocks are screaming for all they are worth) he loves her forever. Many kisses.
Lucas has gone, and Doris is back talking to Brigette. Doris tells Brigette about what the Beltbuckle's plans are regarding the Pig and incapacitating him. She tells Brigette that Lucas will marry her and Don Pig so she can be the Duena of Altrash. Brigette tells Doris not to trust Lucas, he is very bad and he makes Doris nervous. Doris says that the Beltbuckle will not deter her from her ultimate misson. (Note to Doris: Too late honey, should have stayed at Altrash and protected your investment, jus' sayin'). Doris leaves and Lucy comes in and says she heard the whole thing.
"Doc" Jaime still in Pig sty , gets a call from Lucas. Lucas wants to know if the Pig is able to sign any papers. Jaime tells Lucas not to worry. While the "doc" is on the phone, the Pig is thinking to himself, maybe Doris or Val will get wise and save him.
Now that Pedro and Cameela, the unhappy couple, are alone, Pedro keeping his voice to a low hiss, wants to know if this baby is in fact, his baby. Cameela says yes, mi amor, the bebe is yours. Pedro grins his first big grin since Cameela left him. He is over the moon. Cameela raises her voice, to a normal tone, and asks Pedro if he wants coffee, he says no, also in a normal voice. They are trying not to get caught doing the low hiss. Cameela warns Pedro that they can't be caught hissing their little intimaticies, cause the Beltbuckle will suspect, so they kept up the inane convo. The Beltbuckle and Lucrazy come back into the room, and Cameela is on one side and Pedro on the other. Noone would ever know they have been low hissing each other. Doris comes into the room also,and wants to know what is going on here? The Beltbuckle informs her the Pig had a stroke. Doris wants to see him, like yesterday. Lucrazy or someone wants to know if it bothers The Beltbuckle that his ex wife is with his Papa Pig. They don't think it is the right thing to be done. Cameela asks after Sarita and Gabe. Lucrazy tells her they are indeed getting married, and soon her and Pedro will do the same, si mi amor? The Beltbuckle tells Pedro and Lucrazy that Altrash is in a bad way right now and something about tomorrow. Someone please fill in.
Doris goes into the Pig's sty and Jaime tells her the Pig is truly incapacitated, cannot move or speak. Doris wants him to go to the hospital, but Jaime argues with her and says it won't help him. He is truly done and stick a fork in him, he is truly roasted, toasted and crisp. I think Jaime tells her the decision for the Pig's treatment rests with the Beltbuckle. Doris tells Jaime to go. She will stay with Don Pig. Don Pig is giving her the stinkeye. He can express with his eyes and mind, but that's it. After Jaime leaves, Doris says you are marrying me, come hell or high water. She reminds Don Pig that they discussed getting married. The Pig, you are not going to beleive this, truly after Monday's recap, I can't beleive they did this to me again, but the Pig is, are you ready, ya sure, wait for it, PRAYING!!!!! I swear. He asks Dios to Ayudi Mi. Really not kidding. Now he decides to pray. Should have gone to Padre and confessed. Doris is telling him then she will be the Duena of Altrash. The Pig is thinking Maldita of Doris, The Beltbuckle is a disgraciato. Doris is saying we are so getting married. The Pig is saying to himself I'll kill you and I will have my revenge on everyone that did this to me. Lucrazy turns to Doris and asks what she is doing here. She says she is helping the Pig to look after him. Lucrazy wants alone time with her Papa Pig.
Panchito has cornered Jaime and is asking after Papa Pig. He wants to know what is being done and the condition of his Papa Pig. Jaime tells Panchito his Papa Pig had a stroke and is now incapacitated and there will be no reversal of his condition. For as long as he lives, this will be forever. Panchito is very upset. Jaime tells Panchito, his Papa Pig needs lots of rest.
Army and Angel have gone out to the Only Ice Cream Shop in Fresno and they meet up with Flor and her friend. Flo gives Army her laptop so he can contact Fabi. Angel is hinting around that he wants some alone time with Flor, so her friend leaves and they giggle at each other.
Lucrazy wants to go in to see her Papa Pig, and The Beltbuckle takes her off to the side and warns her again not to say anything. She goes to see Papa Pig and Pedro, Cameela and the Beltbuckle are now alone. The Beltbuckle wants Pedro to go, but Pedro says he will wait for Lucrazy. All of a sudden the Virus has shown up at Altrash. She comes into the room and the Beltbuckle wants to know what she is doing here? He hustles Cameela out of the room and puts her in her room. While the Beltbuckle is hustling Cameela to her room, the Virus is asking Pedro what the heck he is doing at Altrash. He lights into the Virus and tells her, it is her fault Cameela is stuck in a marriage she loathes with the Beltbuckle. She tells Pedro she would have ended up in jail, if Cameela hadn't done that, so the solution was to marry the Beltbuckle. Meanwhile the Beltbuckle is telling Cameela to stay in her room, not to come out and be exposed to the Virus. He doesn't want that indio to have any inkling the bebe is his. The Beltbuckle tells her this bastardo bebe is mine, all mine. Cameela is disgusted. Meanwhile, back in living room Pedro is telling the Virus and oh, by the way stop this fiasco, enough is enough already. He tells the Virus that Cameela is pregnant with his bebe. The Virus says, oh now I'm a grandma? Back in Cameela's bedroom, Cameela is telling the Beltbuckle to see after his Papa Pig. It isn't good just to have Doris looking after him. She tells the Beltbuckle that his Papa Pig needs more help than this "doc" is giving him and something about a year from now. And something else I didn't get, please fill in. Meanwhile back to Pedro and the Virus, she is happy to be a grandma, but Pedro warns her, that Cameela's pregnancy will be bad at Altrash. The Virus isn't fazed. This baby will be a Negrete (she is so clueless, the name has no prestige anymore and they do have money, but by the time the Beltbuckle leeches it out, there won't be anymore). They are interruped by the Beltbuckle coming back into the living room. The Beltbuckle wants to know what she is really doing at Altrash. The Virus says she came to talk to the Beltbuckle and gives him congrats on the bebe. He asks her what she *really* wants. Pedro excuses himself from this convo and goes outside. The Virus says she came to Altrash for, wait for it, not Mi Cheque, but Mi Dinero!!!!!
Lucrazy is now with Papa Pig. She approaches the bed and tells him she is sorry he is this way. She truly looks concerned. Doris is in there too. Lucrazy tells her Papa Pig he needs to get better. He is following her with his eyes. He thinks to himself he doesn't want to be this way, but maybe his daughter can help him. Noone else is attempting to help him, and everyone is an imbecile. Now Lucrazy is doing something really smart and I have to say, I didn't think she would ever do, but she tells the Pig to close his eyes if he understands her. And I think once for yes, twice for no, which he does. Now he can communicate. Doris can't beleive Lucrazy has figured this out. There was something about not permitting him to I think, please fill in. The Pig is saying to himself maldito again, and everyone there (Lucrazy and Doris) know the Beltbuckle is responsible for his condition. The Pig is thinking, no hija this guy is not my son. Doris says does Lucrazy think she is protecting the Beltbuckle? Lucrazy says she'll come back to talk to the Papa Pig again, Lucrazy leaves and Doris tells the Pig she isn't going anywhere.
Pedro is now in Val's office on a mission of his own, now that everyone at Altrash is busy, he can snoop around looking for proof of the blackmail that the Beltbuckle used against the Virus. Pedro is pulling out doors, looking in the desk, just everywhere. He sees the locked credenza but can't open it. He hears a noise and hides and it is Val and some guy. Val is showing this guy a gun and telling him what a sweet little pistola it is. They finally go, and Pedro comes out of hiding to continue his mission. He is searching some more and finds his gun, the one Val stole. Pedro wondering how his pistola wound up at Altrash. Now he wants to shoot open that cabinet. Pedro aims at the cabinet, but doesn't shoot it. He can't; he is thinking of Cami and the bebe and is afraid of what would happen if he does it.
The Virus and the Beltbuckle are now alone, continuing their convo. The Virus tells him she needs money and the Beltbuckle tells her that's her problemo. The Virus really needs the Beltbuckle to help her. She tells him he got his ultimate prize, Cameela of course, and this would be a big FAVOR for her, oh please, where is the sleepytime tea???? He tells her he'll give her money, but he isn't supporting her, evva and to leave him in paz. He also tells the Virus he doesn't want her anywhere near Cameela. Meanwhile, Cameela is in her room, praying to the Virgincita to ayudi mi. The Beltbuckle and the Virus are continuing their little convo and she tells the Beltbuckle she wants her own house, can't live with her son, his cousin or her sister. He tells her he will give her the money and wants her to leave he and Cameela in paz. He tells her this is the end of the gravy train, no more dinero. He tells her the Pig had a stroke and is completely incapacitated. She gets a sh*t eating grin on her face about that and is most amused. She thanks the Beltbuckle for the money. Lucrazy comes in the living room and the Virus tells her she is glad to be a grandma. Lucrazy is snippy with the Virus about Cameela, but the Virus tells her, she has to respect Cami now that she is married to the Beltbuckle. She also tells Lucrazy, hey now that Cami is married to that Beltbuckle of a brother of yours, the path is clear for you to marry Pedro es Mio. Lucrazy goes.
The Virus goes into the Pig Sty and sees the Pig all trussed up in his sty, all folorn looking. She mocks the Pig. She tells him Poor little you. She tells him you are nothing now.
There is a shot heard at Altrash. Cameela in her bedroom is worried about Pedro. She says oh Dios Mio and runs out of her room. It wasn't Pedro shooting his gun at the credenza, it was Val shooting that gun for his pal. The Beltbuckle comes out to see what is going on. Meanwhile Doris runs into Cami and they are wondering about that shot. Lucrazy has come out too, looking for Pedro. Pedro, meanwhile takes a quick look around the office and says Manana I will be back to find the proof.
Cameela and Doris go outside and Cameela says she was looking for the Beltbuckle to find out why there was a gunshot. Doris tells the Beltbuckle to knock it off his Papa Pig needs rest and calm, not gunshots. He tells them Val was testing a gun. Cameela wants the Beltbuckle to come back in the house. The Beltbuckle tells Cameela to get used to the guns. They all carry them at Altrash, see he even has one, and the bebe will be learning to shoot one too. Cameela is so not happy with that. The Beltbuckle stays and Cameela goes. She goes to the office and finds Pedro. She wants to know what he is doing there. He says there is so much keeping them apart, through no fault of their own, and that they love each other and nothing ever, ever will seperate them. Many passionate kisses.
Labels: Talisman
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