Sunday, June 02, 2013
Amores Verdaderos EXTRA – El Clamor Publico No. 1 – 6/2/13
El Clamor Publico©
This special edition of El Clamor Publico© includes 2.1 issues of People on the Patio, a special uni-color META*MART ™ advertising insert and the Collected
Wisdom of Diana (ep. 1-50). Ed. Note: Many
portions of the contents have
appeared in other publications.
WEEKEND EDITION HOT HEADLINES
Billionaire Baffled over Baby Switch, Says Bad Doc to Blame
Popular Socialite Vikki Balvanera Fakes Out Servidumbre, then
Welcomes Cute Pup to Mansion
Odette Longoria to gay son: You're Dead to Me!
Patio Community to Odette: You're Dead to Us!
Tenista Roy Pavía Props up Floundering Career with Heiress
Bride's Cash
Toy Boy Denies Steamy Locker Room Rumors, Claims Coach
"Just a Good Friend"
"Model" Kendra Ferretti Reveals Affair with
Husband of Popular Socialite Victoria Balvanera
"I'm Expecting Nelson Brizz's Baby!" Alleges la
Ferretti to the Pool and Patio Folks
Scrappy Gardener Calls Dibs on Body of Bodyguard, Says Pride
is for Suckers
The Mexican Park Police Save Hostage During Deadly Shoot-Out. Some Eyewitnesses Say They Never Saw or Heard a Thing.
Ambulance Takes Injured Victim to Hospital; Coroner Takes Dead Hostage-Taker to
Morgue.
Socialite Vikki Balvanera and Sister are Faked out by a Creepy
Multi-Personality Mid-Level Manager LactoNerd, who Fancies Himself a Big Time Movie
Producer and Director
Amber Alert: (No, not the NYC Amber) -- Small, whiny boy in plaid shirt and straw hat, missing from rural farmette where he was living with his grandmother and father. Grandmother says she just took her eye off of him for a second. Detectives have determined this woman and her son were involved in a parental kidnapping and are questioning her. The son was involved in a recent shoot-out in a popular Mexico City park after trying to hold his ex-wife hostage. He is now deceased. Three participating thugs were taken into custody. Anyone knowing the whereabouts of this child is asked to call the police Eddie Jimenez at El Clamor Publico, City Desk. He will pass the information on to the correct authorities. Reward (and an Exclusive Interview) is being offered.
People on the Patio: Royero Boy Speaks
Issue #1, Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Today People on the
Patio is pleased to bring you an exclusive interview by NovelaMaven with El Rollero himself, Rolando
"Roy" Pavía.
NM: Rolando, thank you for taking the time to join us on the
Patio of Lowered Expectations. We know how many balls you have in the air right
now … hehe …
RP: … hehe.
NM: … so we are especially grateful to you for being with us
today.
RP: Anything for my fans. [Places hand over heart and
winks.]
NM: Some on the Patio have noticed that there is an uncanny
resemblance between you and Nelson Brizz. Is there any truth to the rumor that
you are in fact Nelson Brizz's love child?
RP: NM, I won't even dignify that with a response. To imply
that my sainted mother Doris Pavía…
NM: Sorry, Rolando …
RP: NM, time is money. Let's move on!
NM: Very well. Let's talk about those German Girls with
Wiener Schnitzel for Brains … you were shtupping them during your courtship
with Nicole Brizz, correct?
RP: I'm glad you asked me that. Brunhilde and Hedwig are
dear friends. Nothing more! To anyone who thinks otherwise I say Get your mind
out of the sauerkraut! ¿Captas?
NM: Er … capto. So tell me about Liliana. Are you just
looking for someone shorter than you?
RP: Listen. Sometimes I like to take off my elevator
sneakers and relax. You got a problem with that?
[Roy kicks off said sneakers and smirks into the camera
lens. No one on set notices when Balzac takes a quick whizz on the Boy's sneaks
and then softly pads away.]
NM: But think about it Roy -- even if you marry Nicole
Brizz, won't Aníbal Balvanera send you packing when he realizes you can't make
his granddaughter happy?
RP: Aníbal is a sick old man. How many sets do you think he
has left in him? And then it will be just me and the Balvanera women (hehe).
You think I don't know how to play them?
[RP smirks and swings an imaginary racket in the air. Balzac
scoots back onto the set, gives a warning growl and then puts his teeth around
RP's ankle. RP grimaces and kicks Balzac aside.]
NM: And Nelson Brizz?
RP: Are you kidding? Nelson Brizz loves me. We get each
other. Totally.
NM: Explain something -- you can use apples and pears if you
have to. You and Nikki used to like each other, right? But now you are using
her to get at her family's money. Pardon my bluntness, but many of us on the
Patio consider you a lying slimeball.
RP: And your point, NM?
NM: When did you get to be such a creep?
RP: I am not a crook … I mean creep.
NM: Well let's just agree to disagree on that … Moving right
along … You really believe that Nikki will marry you? You know she's in love
with Francisco "Just call me Brad Pitt" Guzmán, right?
RP: That guy? Are you kidding me? I'm a tennis star, I'm
young, I'm single, I act like I have money, I have the right name -- and I wear
tight red pants!
NM: And there you have it, folks! Roy the Boy live with People
on the Patio!
People on the Patio: Balzac Speaks
Issue #2, Wednesday, May 8, 2013
In this second edition of People on the Patio, we are
thrilled to bring you the one, the only Balzac!!!
NM: Balzac Longoria
-- You are the breakout star this season.
Your name heads the list of The Most Charismatic Dogs in Latino
Television. Your face is on the cover
of the Spring issue of Semiotics in Mexican Telenovelas. And on the Patio, they say that just by
showing up, you ensure the success of any episode you are in*. Are you surprised by the enthusiastic
reaction of critics and fans alike to your nuanced portrayal of a dog in
crisis?
[*See previous comments for full discussion of the
Niecie-Balzac Rating Scale, an exquisite metric inspired by today's guest.]
Balzac: Um ...what?
NM: I said people are
really into you.
Balzac: Hey. It happens.
[Stands, circles three times and settles in comfortably on the
couch. Gnaws in apparent contentment on
a drool-encrusted liver chew.]
NM: Some of us were
shocked when you chose to stay with Jean Marie rather than go back to
Estéfano. What do you say to those who
see your decision as disloyalty?
Balzac: Did you see
the crap Stevie made me wear?
NM: Yes, well the
beret was an unfortunate choice ...
Balzac: … and please
don't get me started on my operation ...
NM: You mean you were
... er ... fixed?
Balzac: And I'm here
to tell you, it wasn't broke!
NM: So sorry,
dude.
Balzac: Anyway --
Have you seen the way Frenchie feeds me?
Next question ...
NM: You seem so
mellow on the show. Forgive me but … are
you, perhaps, heavily medicated?
Balzac: Uh ... what
was the question again?
NM: Never mind,
dude. Let's talk about your name. Does it bother you that some on the Patio
snicker whenever they say "Balzac" (hehe)?
Balzac: Names don't
matter that much to me. I'm more into
smells and textures. Anyway, Odette
always called me Bubba. Stevie tried to
class it up and I'm okay with that.
Hell's bells, I'm just glad he didn't call me Colette.
NM: Now that you
mention Odette -- what's the deal with you two?
You peed in her shoe and she threw you out on the street, right? You must feel a lot of resentment towards her
...
Balzac: No! You've got it all wrong! I peed in her shoe
because I love her! She is so … fierce!
... oh, words fail me!
NM: Speaking of
words, I have to tell you how impressed I am that you speak Human --
flawlessly! Can you tell the Patio how
you achieved such a remarkable level of fluency?
Balzac: I had been working
with a fabulous human named Opalina. You
know her? José Ángel's friend? Well she is just ... magical. It's almost spooky how gifted this woman is.
NM: You had been
working with her? But not anymore? Did something happen?
Balzac: [Looks away
from the camera and studiously licks his nether regions]
NM: Balzac, tell
us. What happened between you and
Opalina?
Balzac: [Mumbles
something unintelligible]
NM: You'll have to
speak up, Balzac. We can't understand
you. What? What did you say?
Balzac: OKAY! OKAY!!
I ATE THE DAMN SNAILS!!!
NM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Balzac: I didn't
know, I didn't know, I didn't know, I didn't know. I did not know.
[Balzac trembles. The
studio techs are sniffing the air suspiciously.
What is that smell?]
[NM to someone off camera:
Psssst! Somebody get the damn dog out of here!]
NM: That's all we
have time for today, folks! And now --
Amores verdaderos!
People on the Patio: Odette Speaks Not
Issue #3
Please note that due
to the inability of our invited guest to speak clearly other than to say, ¡Largate!
this interview has been postponed indefinitely.
We regret the inconvenience to grocery store check-out readers.
Patio Pool Tables For META*MART ™ Patrons on the Patio of
Lowered Expectations
Adri Table – Poor lost thing, trying to cope, wants to find
her daughter. Lately she’s a lot happier since she may become the photographer
for a documentary (she should be documenting her own reality show). Breaking
News: Adri will NOT become the
photographer. Instead she can be found
pouring Blue Curaҫao over ice for the patio patrons at her table.
Betty Table – We’re trying to help her get her Tesoro back
from Horrible Leo and not push Salsero away and counsel on her unfortunate newly
lost pregnancy.
Nikki Table – What’s going on? The Humble Pie judges have up and left. They all seem to have gotten something in
their eyes. Nikki shared her table with Roy for 4 month, but it seems they are
going their separate ways. We’re not
sure if Roy is going to have his own table or beg to sit with Lili.
Vikki Table – Art critics and book reviewers sit here. They have been joined by fashion critics. Oh,
and they are serving the best, imported, LARGE-sized roasted Virginia peanuts
on a platter. She's crunching them and eating the nuts with gusto. (With each
bite she throws back her head and calls out the name of those nuts--Anibal,
Nelson and Yawn/Carlos).
Lili Table – Cheering her up until she gets a nice guy, not
named Rolando or Roy, but then, again, maybe.
Jean Marie/Polita/Tomi Table (otherwise known as the
Servidumbre) – Lessons in Chinese horoscope, eating Jean Marie's marvelous
petit fours and listening to Polita sing and give her homespun advice. This table has a wait list. *Jean Marie (Update,
see below)
Crissy Table – For Posole and Chilaquiles lovers. (Closed; Now a memorial to Cristina)
Bodyguard Table (otherwise known as Guarda Espaldas) –
Angel, **Guzmi ( Update, see below), Zambrano and Dances will be offering
modeling, piano, and dancing lessons; this table is the only one decorated with
real flowers and serving bubbling non-alcoholic cider
No PauToo Table – We’d be likely to boycott it and that
would seem rude. ***Soggy Pau Table, recently set up (Update, see below).
New Tables Available for
Immediate Seating
Kendra Table – Reserved for Macaria Chavez (if anyone can
find her) and Espanto, who is the exclusive pizza delivery man for the table
(It will probably remain empty for some time, unless our Carlos wants to take a
seat there temporarily.)
Our Carlos has booked an Odette table where we will be
sipping on double Cognacs with bitters. We will not be serving Jean Marie petit
fours as previously planned, however.
Anyballs’ Table – Serves red wine to sleepy maidens.
Opalina’s Table – Serving the Best Quality Snails, simmered
in a tempting garlic & basil butter with a splash of Cognac. (Note: these
are served piping hot out of their shells.)
è*JM has left the Patio. He’s on special assignment,
putting his cake decorating skills to good use on Odette’s face. He leaves the new Balvanera “chef” in charge
of his JM’s Patisserie on the Patio,
featuring his premier petit fours.
è**Güerito Chulo Table – Right now he’s no fun and
wants to be off by himself.
è***Soggy Pau Table – Actually it’s a grand piano
where Pau can tinkle the ivories and Patio People can sit around the piano on
bar stools enjoying the Chopin and the Liszt, sipping Bailey’s on ice (tips
accepted to defray medical bills). Soggy towels available on request.
META*MART ™ Uni-Color Insert
The only place in CarayCaray you need to fulfill your fantasies
Subdivisions of Meta*Mart™
Puchis
Boutique – Outlet for a wide range of ramerawear and accessories featuring
head thongs, very short shorts and lacy see-through tops
The
Art Gallery, art for the High-Brow, Low-Brow and Unibrow, appropriate
selections for your secret hideaway
The
Book Nook, featuring the latest novelas de romance by our heroic and
talented author, Valvanera Bickie (pseudonym of famous Mexican socialite, who
is going through some difficult domestic trials and tribulations)
The Poetry Corner, featuring the slender volume of the complete poesías
muy sensibles by our highly creative, sentimenal fool, Valvanera Bickie
(pseudonym of famous Mexican socialite, who is going through some difficult
domestic trials and tribulations).
Tees On the Square,
unparallelled collection of T-shirts, 100% cotton, guaranteed to shrink
seductively
OKAY! Captas?
Neta, Nikki...presiona el boton y borrate tu
misma. Captas?
That ship has sailed. ¿Neto?
I’m Available
I belong to the Nikki Support
Group
Stay on your side Coloring
“…well, our
Carlos is always right…”
Here comes the airplane
Don’t Trust the Furry One
That manly *cough* prize
*cough* Nelson
What is this? Vaudeville?
Who’s Your Daddy?
Bodyguard Widow
I’m an Ahhhhhhtist
We’re just friends
Lalalalalalala, I can't hear
you
The Ikki's are in the building
Psychiatric Help 10¢ - Dr.
K-Skank is In
The Peeps Patio World is My Oyster
Shhhh! Reading Snails
NEW: Exclusive T-shirt available in one size fits all: WE ARE THE SNAILS
EXCLUSIVE DEALS FROM THE META*MART ™ HOUSEWARES DEPARTMENT
Home and Garden
Pie Carts, chrome frame, three shelf, four ball-bearing
wheels (can roll up to 5 mph)
Cast Iron Skillets. One size fits all (extra long handles). There
are some extra heavy ones for thick heads. Better yet, check Hardware, they
have anvils. You can have them engraved before use.
Anvils in different sizes and weights (shipping rates
according to size and weight) Can be engraved before use (see Above).
Red Satin Drapery (enough for Big ‘n Tall man-sized toga)
Food and Drink
Forbidden cheese and yogurt drink never to be allowed in the
Balvanera manse, as endorsed by Big Angel and Jean Marie.
Big Angel even wore the yogurt well on his face.
Pharmacy and Personal
Care
Lee's press-on nails in constantly changing colors
Ipana, for old-fashioned Ipana smiles
Do it Yourself DNA Kit (for cross-checking paternity when la
llamada de sangre doesn’t work)
Salsa-Dude™ Sunglasses (Automatically rise and lower
depending on fib-telling tendencies)
Anyballs™ Blue-Tinted Indoor/Outdoor Shades
Miscellaneous Clothing
and Sportswear
Used bowling shoes, finest kind. Worn by some of Mexico’s top telenovela
stars. Your choice of yellow or scuffed
yellow. None are high-heeled fashionista
style. Size optional.
Nikki’s Knock-Offs (Special line of clothing) on sale today
only, some sort of vest. The lapel and collar are made up of the carcasses of
several multi-colored road-kill rabbits.
KenHo’s Knock-Offs (For those special occasions) A
fetish-black rubber micro mini-dress (I was wondering how sweaty she gets under
that dress and what type detergent [or deodorant] she has to use…
We stock bullet-proof Spanx in animal prints. (Though the
zebra print isn't a big seller. It's thought to scream "Prey." The
Big Cats are extremely popular, though.)
LactoNerd baseball caps.
Should be worn backwards if you want to plant a dry kiss on your teenage
sweetheart 25 years later.
NEW: Mauricio Islas
look-alike wig and mustache.
Toys
Nerfazos for hurling at 55” (and up) flat-screen tv’s;
nerfazillitos for smaller venues. Note:
these have been modified by a slender thread sewn into each nerfa so if you
lack a companion animal-dog, no one needs to get up from the couch to retrieve
them; they can be reeled in.
Bobble-head Polita dolls with dropping jaws (apron, broom
and wild rockers’ wig extra)
Tenista Trolls—Roy-inspired Blue ones with the long hair you
could stand straight up. (If they make them in soft foam, they could double as
nerfazos)
Curandera and Card Reader
Section
Snails in multi-colored shells (Not guaranteed to know how
to read or speak—or squeak)
########
THE
COLLECTED WISDOM OF DIANA, GODDESS OF THE HUNT, THE MOON AND BIRTHING (This
collection was inspired by someone's comment about one third of the way into AV. These
are Episodes 1-50. More coming soon—This can be read as a recap of the recaps.)
I was simply
salivating. EY looks amazing. And having Rulli "on the side" just
makes this even better... I thought
the first episode was great.
If I had been Jose
Angel's wife last night, I would not have let all that hawtness go to waste.
I don't hate Nikki.
Yes, she's an annoying brat so far (with serious self-esteem issues), but I
keep in mind that these spoiled telenovela princesses have two kind of
destinies: a) become a full force villana, b) become a better person.
Will Kendra try and
break Sergio Sendel's broken [cell] phone record? Hope to see him[Nelson] and Kendra at the bottom of
the pool pronto.
I could do with a
little less Nikki although that would mean less Guzman, so never mind!
Vikki and Jose Angel
are generating much more heat than expected for which I am very pleased.
Jose Angel answered
the [Balvanera] door and the look he gave Kendra was priceless. Such distain
was certainly a new and well-deserved emotion going Kendra's way...
I wish Beatriz had a
happier role here but maybe that will occur now that she is away from her vile,
violent hub.
I'm not surprised
Nikki turned the tables on her captors. People do surprising things -
adrenaline and anger kick in and you can do foolish things or take chances you
never thought you would. She has spunk and courage.
Guzmancito is really
suffering in silence. And yes, he and Angel care more about Nikki than the
rheumy-eyed, pathetic Nelson ever could...
Kendra is certainly
getting shaken and stirred. And not a whit of sympathy from me.
I think Nikki will
have to change after this experience. But, to what extent remains to be seen. I
still think there will be some taming of the shrew left to do.
There are times we see
something and see only what we want to see. I was floored when you noted JA had
given Ms Vikki butterfly kisses!!
What would TNs be
without the proverbial eavesdropping? Inappropriate yes, but a mainstay.
… because after her most recent ordeal, rejection [though appropriate - by
Guzman] is the very last thing Nikki
needed. Naturally, she turned to food - eating her heart out in order to try
and heal it.
It's amazing Guzman
and Bea turned out as they did with their two pathetic parents.
Jose Angel says the
most inappropriate things [to Victoria]
-- will you miss me -- but in such a sweet manner. How could anyone object?
Whatever the
relationship ends up being, it is developing into a deep, caring, trustful
relationship.
Flowing salsa steps on
the dance floor aren't Salsero's only smooth moves.
And how could I have
forgotten to add that Angel looked awesome in his swimwear. Completely
obliterated any lingering shivers from seeing Nelson's hairy chest way too many
times.
Please. It is the
holidays. Must we continue to be subjected to Nelson's grizzly chest? Ack.
Chest hair isn't an
issue for me either. Actually, it's not even the hair on Nelson's chest. It's
Nelson's chest. Hairy or not. Period.
Nelson---Please keep you're shirt on. [Ed. note—I just had
to slip this comment in from Gringo.]
Am so enjoying the
playfulness and closeness (still appropriate at this point) between Angel and
Vicki. I may be wrong but Chrissie strikes me as not having much of a sense of
humor.
Poor Frankie has been
having a terrible time. You can see and feel for the little boy inside who is
still hurting and grieving for the mother who abandoned him.
May I please borrow Jean
Marie, Polita and Tomasina, even for one meal? What fun...
DWS needs to make a
decision - stay with the Ho, or pursue Bea. He shouldn't wander into in the
crystal clear pool after a swim in the murky pond.
Ah Cris...Here the
most important news of your life is about to be imparted and you choose that
moment to imbibe too heavily and not to listen. At all. Sigh.
Uh oh, no laughing at
work, Okayyy?
Cris's jealousy is
completely unchecked at this point. Although, it looks like she sees the Angel
in all his winged glory tonight. Oh boy..
Call me cynical but I
don't suspect for a moment DWS wants Bea as a dancing partner. Only.
Nikki and Frankie are
cute but that's about it. Not much substance. The Vicky/Angel storyline is much
more compelling.
And Vicky. Poor Vicky.
The truth at last but I'm afraid what she saw burned an indelible image into
her brain which she won't forget. I know I won't. Blech.
Leo, how much lower
can you go? Next you will be slinking around on your belly. Hurting his son
like that.
Big Angel. Big heart.
Big problems. Ack.
Is there anyone more
pathetic than Nelson? Getting on his knees? Good grief, the man lost the one
shred of dignity that he was clinging to. He lost that when he hugged Nikki
with a pleading look to Vicky that seemed to say don't break up our happy
family.
I'm sure nary a tear was shed for Leo (except of course by his mother who does not elicit a scintilla of sympathy from me). Adios Leo - you lived well past your expiration date.
Collective sighs of relief from the patio at the news of Leo's passing have been wafting through the breeze all day.
Labels: Amores
Comments:
<< Home
Here's a little something to carry us over to Monday night. NM--Since Odette is temporarily unavailable, is there someone else you could interview? I'd love to hear what Yawn/Carlos has to say in YOUR own words.
Hola Patio Peoples! I only watch AV on occasion because the story and/or characters totally exasperate me. But your recaps are the best. QBA is not particularly any better but the music is great.
Who are you Patio People? Any more room on the patio for recapper admirers? I long to call myself one someday...
Oh but one thing about Bea... QTH happened to our Cynthia Montero?? I'd like to see some of that spit and fire come out of poor little Beatriz. Gracias a Dios that the hub is dead.
Who are you Patio People? Any more room on the patio for recapper admirers? I long to call myself one someday...
Oh but one thing about Bea... QTH happened to our Cynthia Montero?? I'd like to see some of that spit and fire come out of poor little Beatriz. Gracias a Dios that the hub is dead.
Hey, LoriLoo. I was adopted by the Patio People who watched Abismo (I didn't) when they regrouped for AV.
It helps if you've been watching AV to join in on the chatter. We have an ample supply of nerfazos to throw at characters who are not living up to our lowered expectations--and they change with every episode.
You are welcome to join us and catch up, Captcha?
Cynthia Montero went to a better place in the sky. We are left with her empty shell, much like moulting cicadas leaving their cáscaras on nearby fence posts.
It helps if you've been watching AV to join in on the chatter. We have an ample supply of nerfazos to throw at characters who are not living up to our lowered expectations--and they change with every episode.
You are welcome to join us and catch up, Captcha?
Cynthia Montero went to a better place in the sky. We are left with her empty shell, much like moulting cicadas leaving their cáscaras on nearby fence posts.
Anita: I love your description of Cynthia Montero! I miss her very much.... I could say the same for Rogelio vs. Santos/Jorge on QBA. As mean as Rogelio was, he was much more interesting than Santos/Jorge. At least he still has his dimples.
What I love about the AV recaps are the nicknames... Dances with Sunglasses, the Furry Fornicator (FF), little gorilla and big angel, and KenDrat/KendraHo. Can't wait to see, or hear about, her anvil. And the FF's too.
Nicki is a brat but Lili is just plain annoying. And what's with Roy Boy's hair? It looks like spray-on hair in the front.
What I love about the AV recaps are the nicknames... Dances with Sunglasses, the Furry Fornicator (FF), little gorilla and big angel, and KenDrat/KendraHo. Can't wait to see, or hear about, her anvil. And the FF's too.
Nicki is a brat but Lili is just plain annoying. And what's with Roy Boy's hair? It looks like spray-on hair in the front.
Lori--It *is* spray on hair in the front, sides and back. The Patio People decided that he looks just like the Icon-Statue advertising Bob's Big Boy Restaurants.
LOL! Well that does it for me. My schedule from now on, well from Wednesday on, will be 7:00 CI; 8:00 nada; 9:00 AV; 10:00 QBA, if I'm still awake.
The talent is endless among the recappers amd commenters. Thank you, Anita, as I am always too embarrassed to buy any of the mags at the checkout counter. It was great to have it delivered by internet. I am sure El Clamor will be a success at the newsstands and the public will be anxious for No. 2 in which we hopefully will see the comeuppance for the FF and KendHo and pizza deliveryman, Espanto, and old Anyballs too.
Such a LOL treat.
GinCa (Usually lurking)
Such a LOL treat.
GinCa (Usually lurking)
Permalink posted by 
: Sunday, June 2, 2013 at 7:58:00 PM EDT
: Sunday, June 2, 2013 at 7:58:00 PM EDT
Anita Amiga:
This is a gem. I was laughing so hard! You must have been working on this for awhile to go back to all the recaps and take quotes out, especially the Wisdom of Diana, I always love her comments! And NovelMaven's interviews, they are a laugh riot everytime!
I also love the items at Meta Mart, especially those anvils. I have dibs on a couple of them namely for FF and Kendho they will be properly engraved before use, lol. I now have a collection of long handled skillets that I will be bopping some characters with when they get out of line ; )
I'm at the Betty table right now, since the bodyguards are kinda busy, but every Wednesday I drop by the Servidumbre table and have a chat with them and go over to the PauToo piano to hear her play as she doesn't seem to have a whole lotta time left.
Thanks again for this Anita and it was, wait for it, awesome!
This is a gem. I was laughing so hard! You must have been working on this for awhile to go back to all the recaps and take quotes out, especially the Wisdom of Diana, I always love her comments! And NovelMaven's interviews, they are a laugh riot everytime!
I also love the items at Meta Mart, especially those anvils. I have dibs on a couple of them namely for FF and Kendho they will be properly engraved before use, lol. I now have a collection of long handled skillets that I will be bopping some characters with when they get out of line ; )
I'm at the Betty table right now, since the bodyguards are kinda busy, but every Wednesday I drop by the Servidumbre table and have a chat with them and go over to the PauToo piano to hear her play as she doesn't seem to have a whole lotta time left.
Thanks again for this Anita and it was, wait for it, awesome!
Thanks for the treat. I'd like to offer everybody on the POLE (Patio of Lowered Expectations) some Tostachos and cold ones.
What fun Anita! Thank you for giving us peeps on the patio another dose of entertainment this weekend. Can't wait to see what additional gossip the AV characters provide us this week.
This is, without a doubt, Pulitzer-worthy and my absolute favorite publication. I love those interviews!
So, uh, on the Patio Of Lowered Expectations, is any celebratory dancing we do considered POLE dancing?
I think I'm going to order up a big planter box of floral Nerfazos to throw at Lili.
Am I at the Guardaespaldas table, or am I still on the wait list? If they're short on space, I'm totally willing to share a chair with Salsero. Or Guzmi.
So, uh, on the Patio Of Lowered Expectations, is any celebratory dancing we do considered POLE dancing?
I think I'm going to order up a big planter box of floral Nerfazos to throw at Lili.
Am I at the Guardaespaldas table, or am I still on the wait list? If they're short on space, I'm totally willing to share a chair with Salsero. Or Guzmi.
Oy, vey, Julia - P O L E dancing. Si, Si. Salsero can show us some smooth moves while P-o-l-ita provides the foreground music.
Well, maybe I will sit there and lure him back with...wait, what does he like? Does he like anything? I'm not sure he has any vices or cravings, other than his addiction to Nikki's games. We never even saw him drown his pain in tequila, did we?
Pepe--You mentioned the P O L E first. Apologies.
Julia--We were witness to an outrageous falling down drunk by Guzmi early on. He was at a Karaoke with P-O-L-ita (I think) and either Nikki or one of her fan girls slipped him a mickey. They thought it was hilarious.
But no, he's about as straight-arrow as they come, no drinking, no smoking. I don't think we've even seen him dance. We do know he can undress brides in stables and make love on bales of straw--oh and he loves Elotes.
Julia--We were witness to an outrageous falling down drunk by Guzmi early on. He was at a Karaoke with P-O-L-ita (I think) and either Nikki or one of her fan girls slipped him a mickey. They thought it was hilarious.
But no, he's about as straight-arrow as they come, no drinking, no smoking. I don't think we've even seen him dance. We do know he can undress brides in stables and make love on bales of straw--oh and he loves Elotes.
Oh Ladies, Ladies,
Nabila was the one that slipped that Mickey to our cutie Frankie. She was trying to show Nikki that Frankie was hers and only hers. She got caught with Frankie in his room by Nabila the day after the Mickey incident. Our Frankie is very straight and narrow it is true.
Speaking of which look who Nabila ended up with. 'Nough said!
Nabila was the one that slipped that Mickey to our cutie Frankie. She was trying to show Nikki that Frankie was hers and only hers. She got caught with Frankie in his room by Nabila the day after the Mickey incident. Our Frankie is very straight and narrow it is true.
Speaking of which look who Nabila ended up with. 'Nough said!
Anita, this was beyond witty and wonderful. Sheer creative genius. Brillant.
I loved every word. I laughed in delight throughout - almost impossible to pick favorites but:
"Socialite Vikki Balvanera and Sister are Faked out by a Creepy Multi-Personality Mid-Level Manager LactoNerd, who Fancies Himself a Big Time Movie Producer and Director" was sublime; "Odette Longoria to gay son: You're Dead to Me! and "Patio Community to Odette: You're Dead to Us!" were awesome.
The NovelaMaven interview was inspired (just as she is): "I'm a tennis star, I'm young, I'm single, I act like I have money, I have the right name -- and I wear tight red pants!" said it all!
Our dear Balzac: "Gnaws in apparent contentment on a drool-encrusted liver chew.]" - what a charmed life.
"The Art Gallery, art for the High-Brow, Low-Brow and Unibrow, appropriate selections for your secret hideaway" and "bullet-proof Spanx" were wonderful. I could go on and on.
While I thank you (rather red faced), for choosing to include some of my comments, I bow to the recappers and other commenters whose observations are far better written, more clever and more astute than mine. I am humbled and honored to be part of this amazing Caray family.
Anita, you really outdid yourself!
Madelaine, I posted a comment to your exceptional summary earlier.
Diana
I loved every word. I laughed in delight throughout - almost impossible to pick favorites but:
"Socialite Vikki Balvanera and Sister are Faked out by a Creepy Multi-Personality Mid-Level Manager LactoNerd, who Fancies Himself a Big Time Movie Producer and Director" was sublime; "Odette Longoria to gay son: You're Dead to Me! and "Patio Community to Odette: You're Dead to Us!" were awesome.
The NovelaMaven interview was inspired (just as she is): "I'm a tennis star, I'm young, I'm single, I act like I have money, I have the right name -- and I wear tight red pants!" said it all!
Our dear Balzac: "Gnaws in apparent contentment on a drool-encrusted liver chew.]" - what a charmed life.
"The Art Gallery, art for the High-Brow, Low-Brow and Unibrow, appropriate selections for your secret hideaway" and "bullet-proof Spanx" were wonderful. I could go on and on.
While I thank you (rather red faced), for choosing to include some of my comments, I bow to the recappers and other commenters whose observations are far better written, more clever and more astute than mine. I am humbled and honored to be part of this amazing Caray family.
Anita, you really outdid yourself!
Madelaine, I posted a comment to your exceptional summary earlier.
Diana
Permalink posted by : Monday, June 3, 2013 at 7:29:00 AM EDT
: Monday, June 3, 2013 at 7:29:00 AM EDT
Oh boy, the very first installment of the Collected Wisdom of Diana -- what a treat! Kudos to the Editor and to the Moon Goddess herself!
Anita, Julia is so right. El Clamor is surely on the Pulitzer short list.
I, for one, thought the earlier editions of People on the Patio were now just lining so many virtual birdcages. But no! They show up here all shiny and bright and in the company of so many Patio quips and brand new Anitacisms. (¡Mira nada más!)
P.S. To date, Joan Constantín has refused repeated interview requests. Some say he is planning to retreat to the Far East to recover from his most recent Balvanera dressing-down; he will remain there until 2038 at which time he will launch another desperate campaign for the affections of Victoria Balvanera (should any of the current players be alive, that is.)
Anita, Julia is so right. El Clamor is surely on the Pulitzer short list.
I, for one, thought the earlier editions of People on the Patio were now just lining so many virtual birdcages. But no! They show up here all shiny and bright and in the company of so many Patio quips and brand new Anitacisms. (¡Mira nada más!)
P.S. To date, Joan Constantín has refused repeated interview requests. Some say he is planning to retreat to the Far East to recover from his most recent Balvanera dressing-down; he will remain there until 2038 at which time he will launch another desperate campaign for the affections of Victoria Balvanera (should any of the current players be alive, that is.)
You all are sensational. And I love the Collected Wisdom of Diana.
Thanks Anita for all your work, and Novela Maven for those incredible interviews. The Roy Boy (just looking for somebody shorter) is a classic.
Thanks Anita for all your work, and Novela Maven for those incredible interviews. The Roy Boy (just looking for somebody shorter) is a classic.
Doris--The only t-shirst referencing your group is:
The Peeps Patio World is My Oyster
This seems a little passe now. Maybe we should offer a revised edition--The Peeps Patio World is My Snail.
We do on-demand, iron-on patches with any wording (except acts of fornication or defecation--unless replaced by an euphemism).
We invite our readers to supply additional t-shirt branding material.
We will also need more WEEKEND EDITION HOT HEADLINES for future issues (or issue as the case may be).
We are disappointed to hear that Joan Constantin will not be available for a probing, one-on-one conversation with the media's most cunningly dexterous interrrogator.
With all the humbleness a major newspaper editor can muster, I am only the packager and re-assembler of other people's wit and wisdom (with a few judiciously interspersed neologisms and malapropisms thrown in).
The Peeps Patio World is My Oyster
This seems a little passe now. Maybe we should offer a revised edition--The Peeps Patio World is My Snail.
We do on-demand, iron-on patches with any wording (except acts of fornication or defecation--unless replaced by an euphemism).
We invite our readers to supply additional t-shirt branding material.
We will also need more WEEKEND EDITION HOT HEADLINES for future issues (or issue as the case may be).
We are disappointed to hear that Joan Constantin will not be available for a probing, one-on-one conversation with the media's most cunningly dexterous interrrogator.
With all the humbleness a major newspaper editor can muster, I am only the packager and re-assembler of other people's wit and wisdom (with a few judiciously interspersed neologisms and malapropisms thrown in).
Anita - Thanks for the Monday morning treat. You had me at "Billionaire Baffled..." I'd be tempted to sit at Anybal's table if I could trust that that red wine hasn't been tampered with.
Anita:
It is precisely those "judiciously interspersed neologisms and malapropisms that make El Clamor sing!
Dear JudyB:
I am thrilled to see you have at last had occasion to use your VIP Pass* to the Patio. We are honored.
*LoriLoo:
Every CarayMate should have received an invitation to the Patio. If you have misplaced yours, just explain who you are to Salsero and he'll personally escort you to the POLE dancing.
It is precisely those "judiciously interspersed neologisms and malapropisms that make El Clamor sing!
Dear JudyB:
I am thrilled to see you have at last had occasion to use your VIP Pass* to the Patio. We are honored.
*LoriLoo:
Every CarayMate should have received an invitation to the Patio. If you have misplaced yours, just explain who you are to Salsero and he'll personally escort you to the POLE dancing.
LOL Forget Cynthia Montero, Andrea Paz is who needs to step up. Never let youjrself get too villainous hahaha.
Anita:
What table am I at? I'm lazy. I sat down at the Arriaga table in the first capítulo so I wouldn't have to move. It's gotten uncomfortable a couple of times but at least no one is screaming ¡Lárgate! all the time.
What table am I at? I'm lazy. I sat down at the Arriaga table in the first capítulo so I wouldn't have to move. It's gotten uncomfortable a couple of times but at least no one is screaming ¡Lárgate! all the time.
Pepe--At least you are getting fed plenty of the proper mix of Mexican cuisine and haute French chefarie at the Guarda Espalda's table. They have to keep their strength up, ya know.
Anita---What a perfect way to end the weekend with El Clamor, Publico
No.1-6/2/13 Nothing less than publication genius, a must read for The People on the Patio and all other interested parties. The Collected Wisdom Of Diana most certainly will be placed in the Novela Memorabilia Hall Of Fame and if NovelaMaven doesn't win the reporters Golden Mike Award for her
People on the Patio interview, Balzac too, I'm going to boycott Univision.
Anita---I hope that you have hired some extra help at the Meta*Mart store as I'm sure that sales will be going through the roof. I myself
will be doing some extra shopping at the Mart.
Anita---Thanks for your creative genius, I'm in awe to say the least
the gringo
No.1-6/2/13 Nothing less than publication genius, a must read for The People on the Patio and all other interested parties. The Collected Wisdom Of Diana most certainly will be placed in the Novela Memorabilia Hall Of Fame and if NovelaMaven doesn't win the reporters Golden Mike Award for her
People on the Patio interview, Balzac too, I'm going to boycott Univision.
Anita---I hope that you have hired some extra help at the Meta*Mart store as I'm sure that sales will be going through the roof. I myself
will be doing some extra shopping at the Mart.
Anita---Thanks for your creative genius, I'm in awe to say the least
the gringo
Permalink posted by : Monday, June 3, 2013 at 2:41:00 PM EDT
: Monday, June 3, 2013 at 2:41:00 PM EDT
Hilarious, Anita. What a lot of fun this is. I'm especially grateful for THE COLLECTED WISDOM OF DIANA.... Diana is always so thoughtful and gracious and her wit is always gentle and never mean-spirited but always on target.
Now the question is:
Since she is so generous and is after all, the GODDESS OF... BIRTHING, will she volunteer to be on hand to help Kendra bring forth her spawn?
Carlos
Now the question is:
Since she is so generous and is after all, the GODDESS OF... BIRTHING, will she volunteer to be on hand to help Kendra bring forth her spawn?
Carlos
Carlos: Assistance in delivering Kendra's child? I've broken out into a cold sweat. My heart palpitations are real and sheer terror is steadily creeping in and enveloping me.
But...a thought comes to mind. I may be mistaken but weren't Cris' last words to Kendra that she hoped her child was as healthy as hers was?? Given that ominous statement, I have no choice but to must step aside and let a skilled, gifted medical professional assist in the birth...
Hmmm, now who would fit that bill to perfection Dr. Carlos??
Diana
But...a thought comes to mind. I may be mistaken but weren't Cris' last words to Kendra that she hoped her child was as healthy as hers was?? Given that ominous statement, I have no choice but to must step aside and let a skilled, gifted medical professional assist in the birth...
Hmmm, now who would fit that bill to perfection Dr. Carlos??
Diana
Permalink posted by : Monday, June 3, 2013 at 4:31:00 PM EDT
: Monday, June 3, 2013 at 4:31:00 PM EDT
Diana,
I haven't done OB in quite a while and I never delivered a basketball. Maybe we need someone from the sporting goods dept. at META*MART™.
Carlos
I haven't done OB in quite a while and I never delivered a basketball. Maybe we need someone from the sporting goods dept. at META*MART™.
Carlos
Carlos & Diana--You two got the last words. This has been just as much fun for me. I've already starting to think about the next round.
Remember when early on we were going to have a "state" fair with an auction, track and field events, music at the main grandstand and even a humble pie-eating contest? I'm thinking of reviving it.
Remember when early on we were going to have a "state" fair with an auction, track and field events, music at the main grandstand and even a humble pie-eating contest? I'm thinking of reviving it.
WOw Anita, you outdid yourself here!
loved:
Balzac: OKAY! OKAY!! I ATE THE DAMN SNAILS!!!
also the idea of 'We are the snails!' tee, and
Leo's living past his expiration date... DITTO!!
loved:
Balzac: OKAY! OKAY!! I ATE THE DAMN SNAILS!!!
also the idea of 'We are the snails!' tee, and
Leo's living past his expiration date... DITTO!!
Carlos...
ROFLOL at..
'I never delivered a basketball. Maybe we need someone from the sporting goods dept. at META*MART™'
I too thought KenDrat's belly looked more like a ball than a baby.
ROFLOL at..
'I never delivered a basketball. Maybe we need someone from the sporting goods dept. at META*MART™'
I too thought KenDrat's belly looked more like a ball than a baby.
Marta--I can only take a smidgin of credit for the wit and wisdom in El Clamor Publico.
Balzac's statement came from NovelaMaven's interview.
We are the Snails came from someone's comment a while back.
Expiration date came from The Goddess Diana.
But gathering and assembling was all my fault! Glad you enjoyed the issue.
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Balzac's statement came from NovelaMaven's interview.
We are the Snails came from someone's comment a while back.
Expiration date came from The Goddess Diana.
But gathering and assembling was all my fault! Glad you enjoyed the issue.
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