Caray, Caray!

El Clamor Publico

This 2d issue of El Clamor Publico© features a new column, Patio Chatter: (An occasional piece discussing recent activities in and around the Balvanera family).  In lieu of People on the Patio, we are re-running NovelaMaven’s Feb. 20, 2013, Advice Column for Characters Experiencing Cognitive Dissonance in their Roles. The Collected Wisdom of Diana does not appear in this issue.  Ed. Note: Most portions of the contents have appeared in other publications.

 

WEEKEND EDITION HEADLINES

Bodyguards of Wealthy Balvanera Family Decisively Avert Fatal Crime of Passion in Secluded Family Compound in Cuernavaca, Claim it Was All in a Day’s Work
 

MetaImagen—In Search of Svelt Nubile Young Thing to Replace Ultrabelle Model, Who Got Herself Dead (Must Look Good in Green)
 

Former Model Kendra Ferretti Is Set To Give Birth To World’s First Beach Ball; She Claims It Hurts
 

Nelson Brizz, Husband of Heir to The Balvanera Fortune, Is Expected to Become a Father for Second Time With Former Model, Not His Wife (see above headline); Becomes Nostalgic About First Family
 

Nikki Brizz Will Not Accept Ma’s Affair With Bodyguard Because of His Daughter
 

Liliana Arriaga Will Probably Not Accept Da’s Affair With Wealthy Matron Because He Should Be Faithful Forever to Her Deceased Saintly Mother (Who Isn’t Her Mother, It Has Been Alleged)
 

JM Returns To Patio; Balzac (Hehe) Is Up In Arms (And Likes It There)
 

Gift of Nursery Rejected—Not the Kind of Nursery Lili Wanted, She States

Patio Chatter  - Discussion of Certain Recent Activities

Madelaine says, “Por Fin, they are finally together. That scene was so full of passion, romance, and that kissing, sigh! It took so loooonnnggg.”

Diana says, “JA and Vicky finally had their moment. I melted - totally. I do admit though I bet that scene was hard to choreograph (with all the movement and undressing, sigh..)”

Niecie says, “Well, Vickie and Angel made up for lost time.”

Susanlynn says, “That was a very moving love scene. Those two were moving and grooving all over the place.”

Carlos says, “Excellent and beautiful. After watching this....it's clear to all that poor Carlos, no matter how good his milk might be, never stood a chance.”

Cynderella says, “He was soooooo manly and aggressive. Good golly! Well, Chrissy has been dead for a while...he'll probably be making up for a lot of lost time.”

Vivi says, “As long as it's been for JA, it's been MUCH longer for Vicky. I think she probably had even more pent up longing and passion than he did. He just had the brute force to express it, uhm...forcefully.”

Cyn says, “OK, nobody take this wrong. But, Guzman was very gentle and boring. You would never forget that you had been with Arriaga. NEVER! He doesn't even give her time to think."

Anon says, “…about Arriaga's aggressive style on the desk, against the wall, on a chair, in the hallway, on a bed, on a patio and against a window (Geez, I'm tired just thinking about it) vs. Guxman's not so aggressive style in the hay. Based on that, what do you think Guzman eats for breakfast."

Teresita says, “It was so sweet that the Angel wore the jacket that Vikki bought him on her sabatical, when he made his advances to Vikki.”

Susanlyn says, “Woo...How do I love thee ? Let me count the places. I could use that sentence to teach prepositions. ...but I'll probably just print it out for me."

Anita says, “It was certainly an enthusiastic disrobing. I'm humming with glee today.”

Susanlynn says, “…Big Angel is large and in charge, verdad?”

Susanlynn says, “Best line evah.... ‘I am here to take care of you...but above all ...to love you.’ Put a fork in me...I'm done....Susanlynn, a puddle on the floor.”

Susanlynn says, “Who wants to miss all that excitement in the DF.  Nil-sansBrain..for sure ... Nil-sans-ethics ..... Nil-sans Honor........Nil-sans-Values....Nil-sans-Purpose....Nil-sans-teeth if he barges in to the love nest...and hopefully Nil-sans-VIKKI pretty soon”

Susanlynn says, “Question~~Will Furry rush in, see the broken chair and scream, ‘SOMEONE'S BEEN SITTING IN MY CHAIR.’ (Big sissy, you ARE going out one of those French doors.)”

Jarocha says, “I liked that they let them be very passionate and I thought their chemistry was excellent there. I didn't notice the chair lol.”

Susanlynn says, “Second best line evah......'I promise I'll never stop kissing your mouth.’  Sweeeet.”

Doris says, “It is clear that Arriaga eats his Wheaties in the morning (the breakfast of champions) and Guzman eats ….?  I'll take JA over FG any day.”

Doris says, “JA looked hawt in that magenta/purple/plum/"equis" shirt. The man must be a 'winter.' And eat Wheaties for breakkie." ~sighs~

Cyn says, “Why Vikki didn't wear pants. Easy access. I think they did something next to the picnic basket. Remember when he laid her down in the grass. Well, pants would have been inconvenient for his planned activities.”

Susanlynn says, “Ha! You are wicked naughty . You will not believe this, but after I wrote the capri/peddle pusher advice, I actually had the same wicked thought that you suggested.”

Doris says, “We have seen Vikki in pants, in prior episodes, but a dress ... better ventilation if nothing else.”

Anita says, “I'm sure that 92% of the women seeing Vikki in her Consumation Outfit were thinking the same--air circulation; just what is needed on a hot day!”

Cyn says,” FG is not a Wheaties man. He's not into all those athletics. He's more of a thinking man. I'm going to go with Rasin Branch Crunch. It should be healthy for you, but it's got a lot of extra stuff going on in there.” [Ed. note—Cyn says she didn’t mean to type ‘branch,’ but left it in because at least he’s getting his fiber.]

Susanlynn says, “Maybe Guz is a Cheerios kind of guy.”

Cyn says, “Raisin Bran Crunch may not be a heart attack waiting to happen, but it's got a little variety.”

Julia says, “I think he's taken his cue from Aaron Diaz, and eats Honey Bunches of Oats.”

Julia says, “Guzmi may have started eating Lucky Charms. Nikki's back, Guillo's back, Leo's dead...things are looking up for Guzmancito.”

Susanlynn says, “Maybe Guz likes him some Crispy Cremes in the a.m. Now there's something with no redeeming value.”

Susanlynn says, “Bingo...I think we have a winner....Lucky Charms !!!!”

Cyn says, “Perhaps Lucky Charms would be a good choice for Guzman. It was Lucky that he came upon Nikki standing in the Barn. He was lucky that Roy didn't shoot him or bust him out when he found him out in the barn.”

Martaivett says, “Maybe Guzman goes for something slow to eat, like bran flakes or grape nuts, Nikki needs to add some chocolate chips once they begin living together to add the sweetness... he certainly has the 'goodness' already in there.”

Doris says, “I can see Nikki eating Fruity Pebbles.”

Julia says, “Well, based on the barn scene, maybe Guzmi eats All-Bran. It looks like hay. Or Shredded Wheat.”

Julia says, “I can see Nikki eating Froot Loops; she kind of is a Froot Loop.”

Doris says, “I wonder what Roy eats for breakfast.... Apple Jacks? Sugar Frosted Flakes (to put a tiger in his tank)?”

Julia says, “I bet Polita eats Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. It would explain why she's always bouncing off the walls.”

NovelaMaven says, “Lili's breakfast? In my Humble Opinion? Early on, I would have said crunchy granola sweetened with honey, of course.  Lately, she seems to be wolfing down GREEN eggs and ham. Lots of ham.”

Doris says, “I was literally LOL over Polita's impromptu audition. Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs w/Red Bull Chaser.... I thought she might break out sounding like Ethel Merman!”

 

Patio Chatter - Worth Repeating - Escaleracide

“Nelson escapes, murdered neither by the staircase, the railing, his wife, nor the Patio crowd.” (NovelaMaven)

“It might have been amusing if Nelson had fallen down the stairs but I know its too early for that.” (Karen)

“Karen, Yes indeed, but you set me to thinking, have we ever seen a man fall down the Stairs of Doom? I can't recall a single time, but who better to start a trend than Nelson?” (Carlos)

“I can't remember a guy ever falling down stairs in telenovelaland.” (Doris)

“I elect the F*ing Failed Furry Fornicator (F4) to become our first tn man to meet the Staircase of Death!” (Vivi)

“Vivi - Bravo! I'll second your motion re: F(4) escaleracide.” (Doris)

“Carlos you are right men don't fall down staircases but I think we are all willing to make an exception and have F4 (thanks Vivi) be the first.” (Karen)

“Concerning males on staircases, I can recall William Levy and David Somebody fighting and tumbling down a looog, twisting staircase in Sortlegio. I think one or both were in their skivvies. Good television. However, neither died .” (Susanlynn)

“OMG, I had forgotten about the underwear fight in Sortilegio. LOL~!!!!!” (Doris)

“How could I forget the yellow underwear of David Zepeda and William Levy as they rolled down the staircase? Thanks for the memories.” (Karen)

 

#*#*#*#*#

 

NovelaMaven’s Advice Column (ran originally 2/20/13)

Some of our novela characters have been approaching the Patio with concerns about the cognitive dissonance* they are experiencing in their roles.  [*cognitive dissonance:  psychological conflict resulting from incongruous beliefs and attitudes held simultaneously.]

Today someone who prefers to be known only as "Big Joe" writes as follows:

Dear NovelaMaven:

I am a good character.  Really, I am.  I love my wife and I would never be unfaithful to her.  It would break her fictional heart -- and my imaginary daughter's too.  But the writers are throwing me at another woman and I don't know what to do.  She's a very nice woman, it's true.  Sometimes we have a blast together -- you should have seen us at the bowling alley.  But how can she be my soul mate when that position was filled some twenty years ago?  Please help, my dear Maven.  Don't let them Nelsonate me! I refuse to be Anibalified!  But frankly, I need the work.  So what do I do?

Yours in desperation,

Big Joe

-----------------------

Dear Big Joe:

Have faith in the writers.  The anvils are in their hands and they will drop them when the time is right.  Your problems will be solved before you can say "¡Yo no soy bígamo!"  (If you doubt the power of writers to solve the insoluble, you haven't been keeping up with Downton Abbey.)  Suck it up, Big Boy.

Besitos,

NM

Re-Quotable Quotes

And then, God help us, poetry flows from her lips like water eddying down a well-plumbed toilet

I realized that I have begun to think of this show as a COMEDY with TRAGIC RELIEF

No gringos were harmed -- or consulted -- in the filming of this telenovela