Caray, Caray!

We begin today’s adventures with a replay of the showdown between Marfil and Max in Emilio’s apartment. Max has had it. Faux Marfil, Real Marfil, it makes no difference. He doesn’t like any of her personalities. They’re all Bad News in FM Shoes. She will never forgive the offense, and he and Diana will Pay Dearly. After Marfil’s departure, Emilio comes out to apologize for having called her. And if Max wants to move in, he’s welcome to. Max would love to – the Mansion has become Hell.

We cut to Casa Soriano to replay the scene between Granny M and Gaby. Little Doormat is in tears. She didn’t have a good time playing at the beach with Kique because Larry showed up and spoiled everything. Granny M is all sympathy. Ay, how Gaby loves him! Ay, how she suffers because of him! Enter Diana, with a chipper “Buenas noches” and an extra spring in her step. She’s had a fabulous first day back on the job. She all but skips into the bedroom to say hello to Max, Jr. Diego is sitting glumly in his wheelchair. He doesn’t respond to her kiss on the temple. After she tells Little Maxi how she missed him, Diego asks if she’s going to tell him that she met his real father at the hospital. Diana is impactada.

At Bar de Paco, Ladies’ Night is in full swing. We know Caramelo suspects that Pancholón is unfaithful to her, yet she is happy that the place is full of potential rivals drunk enough to get a charge out of his grade-Z imitation of Sólo Para Mujeres. This has cat-fight written all over it. Enter Sylvia, Camila, Peyote, Barbie, and Midge. Sylvia’s watered-down Nina Hagen look easily takes the spotlight away from the other Sex Kittens’ more conventional office/church/nightclub attire. Paola takes one look at Pancho gyrating onstage, shaking his moneymaker, and she’s off. Before he knows it, she’s on him like a lamprey, kissing him with mad, passionate abandon. The crowd goes wild. Camila asks Nina/Sylvia where Paola knows that naco from. He’s a naco, but he’s smokin’! Sylvia replies. Camila recognizes him and his backup strippers as the jewelry smugglers they tried to sell Octavia’s bracelet to. She stomps out. Sylvia doesn’t care, she’s already partying down with a bottle of tequila. Close-up of Peyola and Pancho making out onstage, under a spotlight.

Back at Casa Soriano, Diego tries to continue his interrogation, but Diana isn’t in the mood for this argument again. Thank you, Diana. She’s going to change and bathe before dinner. Exit Our Heroine. Diego gets that “Damn, but it sucks to be me!” look on his face.

Close-up of Marfil dialing the phone. What do you know, she’s calling Diego to tell him that Max admitted to kissing Diana at the hospital. And we all know what serious business kissing is. Anyway, she goes on with the usual “they’re mocking us, etc.”, getting increasingly agitated. She calls Diana una cualquiera. Diego doesn’t like that, but Marfil doesn’t stop there. She proves to be as venomous as Faux Marfil, and after elaborating on Max and Diana’s “affair”, she ends by hissing that Diego’s waiting in vain for Diana’s love. All Diana feels for him is pity. Diego can’t take any more and hangs up. Pobre de Diego.

Back at Paco’s. Jorge, dressed like the leather dude from the Village People, watches the spectacle taking place onstage. He’s not digging it. Caramelo would die if she saw it. Cut to our three Sex Kittens. Barbie remarks that Paola has fallen low. Sylvia would love to fall so low, he’s yum-yum-yummy! (I hope that’s the tequila talking.) En fin, Pancholón finally manages to pry off his fierita. Is she crazy? he asks. (Well, she’s a fiera. She’s wild. She’s unpredictable. She’s on drugs.) Peyote grabs the mike. Isn’t her boyfriend super-cool? Caramelo, standing in the front row, does not think either one of them is. She’s on her own turf here and has no qualms about going after Peyola. It would be great if they did the whole cat-fight in slo-mo, with a Sinatra clone on the soundtrack: “Those fingers in my hair…That evil fiera glare…Those wicked teeth you bare…It’s bitchcraft…” As it happens, we get a second or two of slo-mo hair-pulling, then a few seconds of real-time hair-pulling, and then we go back to the Little House in the Barrio.

Granny M and the girls are sitting around after dinner. Granny asks why Diego didn’t eat. He was mad, Diana explains. He doesn’t want her going back to work at the hospital. Granny shows what an up-to-the-minute kind of gal she is as she dishes out sage reflections on a woman’s role in the 21st century. Gaby applauds her for being so moderna. And Gaby, being a strong, proud woman of the new millennium, knows from moderna. Anyway, Diana explains just about everything that transpired between her, Max, Marfil, and Diego that day. Little Doormat says that Marfil is as evil as Octavia. Diana’s not afraid. Gaviota taught her how to protect herself. Little Doormat wishes she could feel so sure of herself. She whines a bit about her confrontation with Pilar at the beach. Diana gives her a pep talk and promises she’ll always defend Gaby. Granny beams at her nietas.

Cut to the bar, where Peyola and Caramelo roll around the stage, cheered on by the delighted crowd. Pancho dances about indecisively, not really trying to break up the fight.

Emilio’s Bachelor Pad. Max is on the couch, having a glass of water. Enter Camila, Reina de la Selva. What’s Max doing here all alone? She sits right down and begins fondling him. She tells him she just came by to pick up a few things she’d left here. Max does a chorus of “Down with Love”. Camila responds with a chorus of “Let Me Entertain You.” She wants to help him forget Diana, show him that Camila’s the woman he needs. She kisses him, and he returns the kiss. Cocktail lounge music as Camila backs him into an armchair and climbs on his lap. They kiss and kiss and kiss.

They’re still at it when we come back from commercial. Then Camila takes a break to inform Max that she’s the only woman who can make him happy. Not Diana, not Marfil. Especially not that adulterous wife of his. Buzz-kill. Our Hero pushes her off. Where’d she hear that? he demands. Marfil has a lover: Andrés Davila, Camila replies. Close-up of Max. He wipes away her kisses and looks perturbed.

The Paola - Caramelo grudge match comes to an end when the combatants are separated by Pancho’s henchman/backup strippers. He calls for applause and the audience enthusiastically obeys. Jorge is disgusted. He takes off his leather-man hat and walks out.

In Paco’s office, Gaviota says that Pancho’s having a big success, judging by the screams out there. Before the conversation runs off into one of the usual dull ruts, they are interrupted by Good Studmuffin Jorge. Caramelo is beating some woman to death out there. Paco leaps up and rushes to the rescue of his little girl. Things aren’t looking so good for Pancho’s new business venture.

Out in the bar, Pancho’s holding onto Caramelo while one of his stooges holds Peyola. Her friends are immensely entertained by this. Paola breaks free and tells Pancho “Let’s go.” He’s still got his hands full preventing Caramelo from jumping her again. “Uh, I can’t right now,” he says. Sylvia is impactada. Exit Paola, followed by Barbie, Midge, and Sylvia, who does not take her astonished eyes off Pancholón, waving goodbye as she leaves. Paco and Gaviota have taken the stage, but they’re not planning a duet of “There’s No Business Like Show Business”. No. The show is over, everybody go home. The extras are ready for lunch and make only token angry crowd noises as they shuffle out.

We return to Emilio’s where Camila tells Max she caught Marfil going at it hot and heavy with Andrés in the library at the Irascible Soirée of Shame. Marfil, of course, will deny it if he asks her. The doorbell rings and Camila goes to answer. It’s Dr. Evil, here for a few drinks, per Camila’s invitation. He needs to clear…Then he notices Max. “I didn’t know you were here.” They size each other up and swagger towards each other.

We return to the bar. Caramelo is distraught. Pancho’s been cheating on her all along, blah, blah, blah. Paco is unable to control his outrage. He grabs his no-good son-in-law by the neck and twists his head. Why is Pancho toying with his daughter? Why is he making a fool of her? Pancho bares his teeth.

And back to Emilio’s we go. Dr. Evil starts in on Diana, but Max has heard enough calumny from Ignacio. Camila throws her two centavos in. Iggy and Max argue over whose crime is more heinous, his against Diana or hers against him. Max hopes that Dr. Evil loses his license. He’s too despicable to be practicing the noble profession of medicine. Max gives Ignacio the usual final warnings, pushes past him, and leaves. Dr. Evil can’t believe he lets Max get away with that. With Octavia being called a thief in all the papers, the prestige of los Irazabal is circling the drain. Camila’s not interested. She only cares about Max getting free of Marfil. He’s her ticket out of poverty. Ignacio tells her to quit dreaming. The Irazabal empire is going to topple. They’ll be poorer than rats. Camila is impactada.

At number 10 Lullaby Lane, Diana, still wearing the grubby pink scrubs she couldn’t wait to get out of a few hours ago, is at the sewing machine. Diego wheels up. She tells him she’s just helping Granny out. He replies that she loves to project the image of the good woman, ready to help everyone, but in fact she’s unworthy to be his wife. Diego’s holier-than-thou attitude and pathetic attempts to be the king of Granny M’s little castle are getting seriously annoying. Diana seems to agree; she keeps quiet and stares him down as he says he was blind about her. Gee, Chipmunk, ya think?

Aboard the Good Ship Lollipop. Our Sleazy Studmuffin and aspiring entrepreneur, clad only in a pleather Speedo, is getting his ear twisted by Capitán Paco. Standing by, hands on hips, is First Mate Jorge. Pancho denies that he cheated on Caramelo. So why’d that crazy woman call you her boyfriend? Jorge challenges. Pancho keeps lying and finally Paco lets him go, declaring that Ladies’ Night is permanently canceled. The look on Pancho’s face is one of “Aw, man, I can’t believe this s***!” He makes one last appeal to Paco’s wallet. No go. Pancho’s disgusted by his bad luck.

And now we go to Casa Irascible. Octavia’s starting to feel acorralada. Yolanda’s worried. Octav wants to withdraw all their money and put it into offshore accounts under a variety of company names so that the police won’t be able to trace it. The police aren’t stupid, Yolanda protests, they might have frozen the accounts already. Lady O doesn’t want to hear it. She refuses to lose all her ill-gotten gains and wind up in the streets. Yolanda points out that Gaviota’s not just avenging herself, she’s avenging her daughters. As she sees it, Big Sis has two choices: Turn herself in and confess to killing Reynosa, or make a run for it. Flee? repeats Octavia, as if this is a new idea. She cocks her head like Norma Desmond ready for her close-up. Escape? she says, widening her eyes. No, it was better when Gloria Swanson did it.

Out in the salon, Marfil is hanging out by the gold velvet couch. In the background we see Max going upstairs. Then, inexplicably, he is approaching Marfil. He asks if Dr. Evil’s chauffeur is her lover. Marfil is impactada.

Back at Casa Soriano, Diana and Diego argue about Max. She can’t prevent him from coming into the hospital. Diego demands that she quit and stay home to take care of him and the baby. His plan of mooching off an octogenarian seamstress and a supermarket cashier doesn’t strike me as being all that manly. Diana’s not impressed, either. She gives him a polite but firm refusal.

Time to check in on Caramelo. She’s in Gaviota’s dressing-room, weeping over Pancholón’s betrayal. Gaviota strokes her hair and lends a sympathetic ear. Then, qué sorpresa, she blames Paola. After all, the tainted blood of los Irazabal runs through her veins. She was born evil. That Pancholón is a petty crook who lets Pancholoncito do most of his thinking doesn’t factor into it. “He doesn’t love me. He’s never loved me,” Caramelo moans. She gets up and leaves. “Los Irazabal keep causing harm,” Gaviota mutters darkly.

Pancho is now wearing wannabe leather pants and swabbing the decks. He gripes about how his brilliant money-making scheme failed. The String Quartet of Doom plays a series of frantic riffs and we suddenly get an extreme, out-of-focus close-up of Caramelo in profile. She turns to the stage and tells Pancho to leave. She wants him out of the bar and out of her life. She wants a divorce. Pancho turns on the smarm and lies away about Paola, but Caramelo doesn’t believe a word of it. He swears it’s true. Swears by whom? God? The Virgin? Acorralado, Pancho takes the offensive. No need to exaggerate, it's not that big a deal, he doesn’t have to swear by them. Paco intervenes and tells Pancho to get out like Caramelo told him. Pancho turns his fiera glare on Paco, who says the next time his daughter sees him will be in divorce court. Caramelo screams at Pancho to go and he swaggers out, angry, dangerous, and takin’ his time. He’s baaaad. Caramelo becomes hysterical and goes running into Papito’s arms. She loves him, she lost him, she hates Paola; sob, scream, repeat. Pobre de Caramelo.

After commercial, we find ourselves in Paola’s boudoir with Silvia, Barbie, and Midge. Paola hates Caramelo. Silvia rattles off a lot of nonsense about what a hottie Pancho is. Barbie, the only one in the room with more than two I.Q. digits to rub together, points out that Paola obviously isn’t the only woman in Pancho’s life. Midge didn’t even know Peyote was in love with a MDH. Peyote takes offense at that. They’ve been an item for months and tomorrow they’re getting married. Silvis is impactada. Paola can’t – he’s a thief. But he’s hot. He’s a pretty hot thief. And so on. Paola insists that her wedding remain a secret. (Don’t bet your trust fund on it, Peyola.) Barbie can’t believe that she’s going to marry him when he’s been cheating all along. Paola doesn’t care. She’s the one who got him.

Downstairs Max is still trying to get an answer out of Marfil. She turns away, unable to lie to his face, and dodges the question by claiming that Camila fabricated the story to drive them apart. He warns her that if anything proves the story true, Marfil will be out of his life in less than two seconds. Our Hero also tells her about their dire financial situation, just to eliminate any mercenary hopes she might be clinging to, then leaves. Marfil is impactada.

While Marfil ponders the horrors of being Señora Muerto de Hambre, we go to the Other Little House in the Barrio. Pancho has told Lala that Caramelo wants a divorce. He tries to con her into believing that he’s the injured party. Lala’s heard too many versions of this tale over the years. She doesn’t buy it and warns him off Paola. He keeps lying and Lala gives up, rhetorically asking why the young folk can’t be responsible like they were in her day. Once she’s out of the room, Pancho unfolds his master plan for us. Since Caramelo is going to divorce him, he’ll go ahead and marry Paola. He’ll just keep it very quiet and no one will ever accuse him of bigamy. No. His fierita is the soul of discretion. He can count on Peyola to keep their nuptials a secret. “Two wives for the price of one,” he gloats. Awesome plan, dude.

Over at the House of Seven Gables, the family, sans Paola, is having breakfast by the pool. Octavia carps about her daughter’s absence. Yolanda attributes Peyote’s late hours to the rebellious phase she’s in. Whatever. Mamá wants to propose a family outing. What do you say we all go down to the factory? Won’t that be fun? Larry’s the first to demur. Octavia chastises him for preferring trivial pursuits like modeling and acting to soiling his hands in the service of her evil empire. They have to stand united against Fedora! What is it they don’t get? They’re on the brink of losing everything! Marfil, who’s been sullen and mute up till now, says that Octavia’s right. She needs their support. Maxi’s cell phone rings. It’s Emilio, who’s looking mighty dapper this morning. I particularly like his tie. But about that phone call. The judge is coming to put the lien on the perfume factory. Max puts on his lemon face. He hangs up. Lady O asks what’s happening, and he tells her. A surge of menacing music from the Orchestra of Doom and a close-up of Octavia. She looks away from Max. She blinks. Commercial.

We take a helicopter over TeleMiami and land at the perfume factory. We see Gaviota, Diana, Gaby, a bald guy who looks like a rising young gangster, and a guy with hair who looks like he manages a car dealership. Little Doormat’s whining. She doesn’t understand why they have to be there, blah, blah, blah. Gaviota hands her the “One day you’ll understand” line and Diana reminds Baby Sis how indebted they are to Gav. Enter Emilio, who announces the imminent arrival of Octavia and Sons. Gaviota trots out the “I am the owner of this company which Octavia stole from me” speech. Emilio is impactado. Gaviota is pleased. Diana has a coy, smug little smile on her face. Little Doormat looks afraid.

Back at Psycho Manor, it’s the crack of noon and Paola is finally up and about and planning ahead. She already has on a cocktail dress, strapless white brocade, which will save her the trouble of changing when cocktail time actually rolls around in six hours. René and Silvia are on the bed. He’s on his back, with his legs pointing straight up at the ceiling. Silvia has adopted a variation of the lotus position, hands raised prayer-fashion over her head. The wig du jour is purple, and she seems to have got her freakish, antennae-like false eyelashes from Don Fernando’s drag outfit. René and Silvia try to convince Paola that marrying Pancholón is a really bad idea. Peyote claims it’s her only way out of this mausoleum. And speak of the devil, here’s Pancho. No one says anything we haven’t heard before.

While Pancho’s claiming that there’s nothing between him and Caramelo, Lala’s apologizing to Paco. He and Caramelo have come to Casa Suarez to pick up her things. Paco tells Lala straight out that her son is a canalla. She knows that but makes a sad, ineffectual attempt to defend him, anyway. Enter Caramelo, tearfully pulling a suitcase. Lala makes several attempts to dissuade her but fails. Exit Paco and Caramelo.

Back in Peyola’s bedroom, Pancho’s giving them a song and dance about Caramelo-Who’s-Just-a-Friend. Silvia still questions his honesty and brings up the bracelet fracaso. Pancho lifts her up and sets her down behind him. This gives Our Comic Sex Kitten such a thrill that she forgets what a ladronzuelo he is. He’ll be waiting out in the car. He kisses Paola goodbye and leaves. René again protests this idiotic elopement with Pancho the Naco. But Peyola won’t be swayed. Once you go nac’ you never go back. This marriage is going to be “super nice.” She’s never coming back to this hell.

Yolanda and Octavia are downstairs. Yolanda’s oatmeal-colored, short-sleeved, shawl collar sweater is doing her no favors. She looks lumpy as she advises Octavia to calm down. Octavia’s pleated pink top is infinitely more flattering. She rages that Gaviota and her daughters won’t stop at putting a lien on the factory, they’ll go after everything: House, money, halter tops, everything. Yolanda bows her head in shame. She realizes Big Sis is right, we’ve only heard this from one character or another in just about every capítulo. Octavia then says the only way out is to take Big Doormat’s advice. What advice? Yolanda asks. Jail or flight? Octavia’s decided to take option B. If she weren’t so blinded by hate, Octavia might consider the rejuvenating effect that 20 years in Big House had on Gaviota. Seriously, Gaviota takes a great close-up. Her porcelain complexion is amazing. As for Octavia, well, it’s a good thing she can still blink. Otherwise we might be asking, “Is it Pond’s or is it formaldehyde?” But I’ve wandered way off topic here. Enter Paola, toting her suitcase into Pancho’s life just as Caramelo toted her suitcase out. Silvia, René, and Nancy aren’t far behind. And where do you think you’re going? Octavia snaps. Peyote tells her. So it’s official. All her children are mixed up with the Lower Classes, nurses and housemaids and nacos. Close-up of Octavia staring holes into Paola. Close-up of Nancy, impactada. Close-up of Silvis and René, mugging. Close-up of Yolanda, looking grimly from mother to daughter. Close-up of Paola, staring holes back into Mamá. Midshot of Octavia, still immobile. Commercial.

We return to the perfume factory. Everyone has moved into Octavia’s office. Beatriz announces los Irazabal. Enter Marfil, Max, and Larry. Gaviota wants to know where Lady O is. Indisposed. That, according to Gav, is a dumb excuse when there’s so much at stake. She introduces the judge. While el juez delivers an awkward, labored little speech, we are entertained by a round of close-ups: Marfil, Max, Diana, Larry, and Gaviota. The Drums of Doom sound ominously. The factory is declared the rightful property of Fedora Garcés. The String Quartet of Doom becomes loud, frantic. Marfil can’t stand keeping her trap shut another second. It’s impossible, she cries, you can’t – Max bellows at her to shut up. Diana chimes in. “You heard your husband. We’d appreciate it if you stayed on the sidelines.” Ooh, that hurt. As the String Quartet of Doom builds to a climax, los Irazabal gape at Our Heroine, impactados.

Back at the Mausoleum, Octavia and Paola are still arguing. Octavia snatches the suitcase away with such ease that I suspects it contains nothing but bikinis and lingerie. Yolanda tries to play peacemaker, as usual, while Octavia shouts that Paola must be high. Then she snaps at René and Silvia. And what are they doing here? They’re the witnesses for Peyola’s wedding. Octavia orders them to get out. More arguing. “You never loved me… I’ll never see your bitter face again…Better the wife of a MDH than life in a golden cage…” and so on until Octavia grabs her. I’m hoping for a real cat-fight here. That extended hair-tugging match earlier was nothing more than an amuse-bouche. No such luck. Paola’s outta here. Happiness is waiting for her, while a jail cell is waiting for Mamita. She leaves. René grabs her suitcase with a quick adios to his bomboncito. Octavia begins pacing like a caged tigress. Silvia almost leaves but just has to ask Lady O if it’s true that she’s a crook? Yolanda prevents Octavia from slapping our pert señorita, and Silvia dashes out. Octavia starts up about Paola but Yolanda’s got a better grip on reality all of a sudden. Octavia needs forget about Paola and get the hell out of Dodge.

We return to the office. Judge Villalobos explains that the factory isn’t officially Gaviota’s, but Max declares that neither he nor Larry will impede the return of anything belonging to her. Marfil can’t believe this and gets a Debora look on her face. But she says nothing. I almost like Real Marfil. Bueno, Max’s declaration isn’t enough for Gaviota. She wants an admission that Octavia’s a thief. Marfil can’t contain herself. What do Max and Larry have in their veins, how can they allow such insults to Octavia? Diana, crossing her arms just like Gaviota, gets in Marfil’s face. “I told you you have no say here. You heard your husband. Everything in Octavia’s name will go back to Gaviota, no matter how much it hurts you.” Close-up of Diana, happily in touch with her inner bitch. Close-up of Marfil, thwarted and hating her guts. Close-up of Max giving Diana the furrowed brow look while Larry stares off at Gaby. Close-up of Gaviota, quite pleased with Diana. Close-up of Diana, presumably staring down Max.

I fear that TeleMiami will soon be laid to waste by the Four Mothers of the Apocalypse: Octavia, Bruna, Gaviota, and Diana, a.k.a. Vainglory, Madness, Vengeance, and Stupidity. It is a sobering thought.

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Labels: acorralada