Caray, Caray!

Today’s excitement is momentarily postponed while Diego berates Diana for everything he’d promised to forgive if she’d only marry him, and which he’s thrown in her face ever since. Even Marfil’s vicious plants fail to spice up the tirade. Fortunately, we move on to Emilio’s Homeless Shelter. Bruna’s tidying up the bedroom when Marfil (in a halter top Octavia left behind) storms in. She fumes about Max and Diana, then tells Bruna that she plans to have Our Intrepid Heroine kidnapped. This makes no sense. Marfil doesn’t trust Bruna. But perhaps Marfil is just a little giddy from the excitement of her new hobby.

On the Good Ship Lollipop, Caramelo is crying at the bar again. First Mate Jorge and Karaoke Queen Gaviota listen sympathetically as she snuffles and moans about Pancho’s deceit. He never loved her, never respected her, never valued her. Pobre de Caramelo.

Back at Emilio’s, Marfil is elaborating on her scheme to make Our Heroine disappear. In her slightly raspy voice, cool and sinuous as a snake, Bruna once more questions Marfil’s identity. I don’t know why she is so unsure about this. Marfil has completely forgotten that she’s supposed to be Debora. No doubt it’s tiring to impersonate a one-woman barnyard, right down to the fox in the henhouse, but Marfil has done a really half-assed job. Ni modo. Cooing, hissing, insinuating, Bruna voices her suspicions: This is how Marfil, not Debora, would plan a kidnapping. Strike up the Orchestra of Doom. Marfil gets indignant, then changes her mind. And what if she is Marfil? She’s just taking her rightful place, etc. Bruna has no objection to that, but what has she done with her sister? Bruna’s afraid they’ll end up…“Killing each other?” Marfil suggests. She smiles, oddly pleased by this notion, and turns away, adding, “Anything’s possible.” Bruna follows her every move with unblinking, black-ringed eyes. She could have stepped off the set of Ed Wood, Jr.; it wouldn’t surprise me to see Johnny Depp walk in, clad in tweed slacks and angora sweater. He doesn’t. Oh, well. Bruna insists on knowing the truth: Is she Marfil or Debora? Marfil goes into Fiera mode, turns on her, and snarls, “I’m the Devil in the shape of a woman! Now go!” Impactada, Bruna goes. Marfil gets a close-up as she informs us that she will get rid of Diana and Debora at the same time. The Orchestra of Doom rises to a crescendo.

Meanwhile, Caramelo is still sobbing away. Jorge gets a close-up because he is young and good-looking. It certainly isn’t because he’s conveying any kind of emotion about Caramelo’s plight. Gaviota says all the usual things about getting mixed up with the Irascibles, then advises her to forget that heel she married and move on. It’s good advice, but Caramelo sobs on like a five-year-old. She wants/loves Pancholóóóóóóóón, boo-hoo-hoo-hoo….

We return to Emilio’s. Andrés calls Marfil on her cell phone, wanting to know what she’s done with Debora. Now’s not the time; Dr. Evil will talk to him tomorrow and give him the details of their plan. Andrés is not happy about this.

It’s moving day at Casa Irascible. Nancy unloads the last of the suitcases from the minivan. Pan to Gaviota, in yet another shiny red and black ensemble. Diego is beside her, sitting in his wheelchair and scowling. Next to him is the Queen Mum, dressed for Ascot. Oops, my mistake, it’s Granny M under that blue chiffon cartwheel hat, tilted at a rakish angle. I don’t know what the hell Diana is wearing. It appears to be a suede shrug lined with wool. Is she planning on herding reindeer in Lappland? Are there matching moccasins to give her the Pocahontas look? This might be the most puzzling garment Our Heroine has worn to date. Compared to her sister, Gaby looks a little overdressed in the burgundy shirt-dress that she borrowed from Marcia Villaroel. En fin, Gaviota brightly remarks that they can all be happy here. Ever the wet blanket, Diego expresses his doubts. Granny M expresses amazement at the amount of luggage. Diana tries to cheer up Little Doormat, who looks as if she’s about to be sold into white slavery and knows it. Enter Max, very serious, with Granny S on his arm. Doña Santa has a happy smile on her face. We get a series of close-ups, from Gaby to Gaviota. No one is happy. No one smiles back. Pobre de Granny.

We leave Granny S with her playmates old and new to head over to the TeleMiami jail. Luscious Larry appears to be in the same quiet, roomy cell-with-a-view that Faux Marfil had. A guard enters to announce that he’s free; the charges against him have been dropped. Larry’s on his way out when who should appear but Kique. The Orchestra of Doom tells us that we’re about to witness a Confrontation. Lunkhead informs Our Evil Studmuffin that he’s going to find Gaby and explain how it was all one of Kique’s dirty tricks. (Evidently the Little I.Q. That Could was chuggin’ away all night.) “And she’ll believe you?” taunts Kique with a dastardly snicker. (He could be related to Bruna, he does that so well.) Close-up of Larry, trying to appear less like Bambi and more like a fiera. Close-up of Kique, snickering back. Then he stops abruptly, with an expression of hatred settling over his face as he watches Larry walk away.

Paco and Octavia are once again wearing matching white outfits as they stroll hand-in-hand around Key West. She is showing off her abs and he is showing off…well, he’s showing off his tan. Okay, so they’re a couple of love-struck teenagers again, and Paco makes one of Octavia’s wildest dreams come true. (Hint: Feeding Gaviota to the sharks piece by piece will have to wait.) Yes, Paco asks Octavia/Alicia to marry him. Octavia literally jumps for joy, crowing with delight. She and Paco shower each other with kisses.

We now return to TeleMiami General. Lala and Paola come out of Pancho’s room. They appear to be quite chummy and in good spirits. Caramel comes down the hall in the outfit that’s de rigueur for every telenovela sex kitten, the mini-skirt and pushup bra combo. We know, however, that she is a Good Sex Kitten, because she is also wearing a blouse. It may be unbuttoned and tied at the waist, and June may be bustin’ out all over, but she’s no puta. No. Those shoulders are covered. Bueno, Good Sex Kitten Caramelo sneaks into Pancho’s room. Close-up of Pancho looking up from his magazine as if he has something deliciously evil in store for her.

Back at Psycho Mansion, Granny S is just delighted to see her Dianita again. She, too, got a share of the treasure trove Octavia left behind, in this case a purple leopard print scarf wrapped around her wig. She’s just the cutest thing in shoe leather, that Granny Santa. Nancy beams. Diego glowers and begins his shabby little “I Am the Man” charade, which everyone tries to ignore. Max and Granny Santa exchange fond farewells. Granny S asks Diana why she doesn’t invite Max to live with them. Diana changes the subject by asking if she remembers Diego. Doña Santa does; is he going to give her piano lessons? (Aw, she thinks Diego is man enough to quit sulking and get a job. Isn’t she just precious?) Granny M rolls her eyes and heaves a sigh. The Queen Mum shoes are killing her. Can’t they break for lunch and finish this later? No, first Diana has to explain that Diego is now her husband. Granny S is impactada. She asks if Our Heroine has stopped loving Max already. Diana starts to realize that inviting Granny S to join the happy family wasn’t such a good idea after all. Diego continues to glower.

Key West. Octavia wants to know when they’re going to tie the knot. As soon as they get back, Paco answers. He wants her to meet his daughter, and someone very special to him. This is a Piano Moment, and Octavia shrewdly recognizes it as such. Did Paco love this woman? Yes, but she did not return his love. So why tell her they’re getting married? Does she still mean something to him? “No, my love, of course not,” is Paco’s gallant reply. So much for his promise to wait for Gaviota. Well, this is Alicia, his dream woman, the one he’s mooned over for twenty years. Fate has restored her to him, and in remarkably good condition, too. Age cannot wither her, nor passion stir her Botox’d countenance. She asks him not to tell Gaviota, not even talk to her. Paco happily notes that Octavia’s jealous. Yes. When one loves, one gets jealous. (Stop tape. Reflect on this profound insight into the human condition. Restart tape.) Lady O sweetly pleads for a secret wedding. Mystified but charmed by milady’s whims, Paco agrees.

Bruno is resentfully jabbing a swiffer around the living room when Yolanda comes in. She comments rather tartly that it’s nice to see Bruna doing her share. (Funny, I haven’t seen Yolanda wielding a duster or making a bed.) Bruno gets uppity on her. She’s a studly woman, not to be intimidated by society cream-puffs like Yolanda. Their squabble is cut short by the doorbell. It’s Larry. Yolanda is alarmed. Bruno stares. One would think he’d just crawled out of a swamp, or an auto wreck. Come on, this is Luscious Larry, he’s just adorably disheveled from a night in the slammer. Honestly. In true telenovela style, Larry explains that he was arrested, but doesn’t have time to go into detail now. He has to get all prettied up to see Little Doormat. Yolanda and Bruno are left impactados.

Out by the pool, Diego is brooding things over. He does not notice the stealthy approach of a sinister figure in a hooded black sweatshirt with a giant anaconda wrapped around his shoulders. The sinister figure raises a black-gloved hand. On his index and middle fingers are two long, sharply pointed, silver cones. He plunges these “fangs” into Diego’s neck. Diego struggles, but the venom takes effect almost instantly. After Diego slumps forward, the sinister figure puts the anaconda on a chair and vanishes into the bushes.

Oh. No. Sorry. Just wishful thinking on my part. That actually happened on La Estrambótica Anastasia. They’ve gone from the Spectral Duck of Death to more mundane agents of retribution. No, Acorralada was completely different.

It’s Diana who approaches, and she’s not wearing live reptiles. (She is, however, wearing moccasin boots.) She thought-bubbles Diego a confused series of questions as she rounds the pool. Why couldn’t she love him as he deserves? Why didn’t Max love her like Diego? Why does she long for Max’s kisses and not Diego’s? Aloud, she tells Diego that she’s instructed Nancy to bring out his easel and palette so he can work on Study in Pessimism #42 while enjoying the beauty of the pool, the garden, and the thoroughfare behind the Mansion. She’s going car shopping. Diego shows his appreciation by asking if she and Emilio talk about Max when they’re alone together. I would not blame Diana in the least if she dumped him into the pool, wheelchair and all, but she keeps her cool. After she goes, Diego says, “She left without even giving me a kiss goodbye.” Yes, Diego, it’s really quite staggering, isn’t it? You’re always telling her what a lying, conniving whore she is, but you mean it in a kind, caring way. You’re just Love on Wheels, you are. Enter Nancy. She’s being very formal, calling him “Señor Diego” but he insists on keeping it casual, as before. He does a chorus of “Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me.” Nancy listens patiently, then tells him that he and Diana fell in love with the wrong people. (Newsflash for you, Nancy: All three of you did.) Close-up of Diego, impactado by this revelation. Commercial.

Back at the hospital, Caramelo does an increasingly tearful rendition of “You Belong to Me.” Pancho bemoans the dilemma of being “in love” with two fieras at once. Despite all the blubbering Caramelo did earlier about Pancho’s inability to love and respect her, she holds him in no way accountable for his actions. Instead she focuses her rage on Paola. She vows to fight for him, blah, blah, blah. Enter Lala. Caramelo repeats her vows for Lala’s benefit, kisses Pancho goodbye, and leaves. Pancho’s capacity for self-pity is beginning to equal Diego’s. He feels like the most miserable man in the world, he sighs. Mamá is not particularly sympathetic. I’m with Lala on this one.

We return to the mansion. Diana is out front now, wondering where her cab is. A white van pulls up and two masked men with guns jump out. Our Heroine thinks it’s a robbery and cries out that she has no money. They force her into the back of the van, then jump in the front and drive away.

Our old buddy René is hanging out at Emilio’s when Max comes in. René leaps up and gives him an effusive welcome. Max recounts his trip to the mansion and how seeing Diana with her husband affected him. He remembers to keep his brow furrowed and sprinkles his narrative with the usual absolutes: Always, never, everything, nothing, and so on. He waxes romantic over Our Heroine: Nurse, fiera, angel, executive; fallen Madonna and femme fatale. She’s so bewitchingly multifaceted. But she is always his Diana. Nothing new here.

Over at the Little House in the Barrio, silent witness to much of the Sturm und Drang that has kept us on the edge of our seats, Luscious Larry knocks anxiously at the door. He calls for Gaby to open up. He wants to explain what really happened. In fact, he was so anxious to explain that he forgot to shower and change. All he did was swap his tie for a necklace and put his jacket back on. After getting no response, he tries the door, which of course is open. The house is dark and there are dust-covers on the furniture. The Little I.Q. That Could kicks in again. “They’ve moved to the Mansion.”

Meanwhile, Our Heroine has arrived at her destination. She is dragged into a gloomy, dusty beach house with barred windows. Diana struggles and shrieks like a true fiera, but to no avail. They take her watch, shove her into a cell, and lock the door behind her. Diana is too hysterical to notice that she has a cell-mate. It’s Debora, of course. The Miss Kitty garb has been replaced by jacket, pants, and boots. All she needs for a commando raid is an assault rifle, a cartridge belt, and a couple of hand grenades. Her mocking welcome is punctuated by a toss of her long, blonde hair and a peal of evil laughter. Close-up of Diana, impactada. “Marfil?” Close-up of Debora, with a malignant smile.

Speaking of Marfil, here she is, in the bedroom, talking to Bruna. She’s muy nerviosa about Diana’s abduction but refuses the tranquilizer Bruna offers. The suspense doesn’t last more than a second or two, anyway. Dr. Evil calls. He still has the ski mask on, but seriously, we know it’s him. He tells her “Mission accomplished.” Perfecto; and Diana has no idea who the kidnappers are? None. At this point Dr. Evil removes his ski mask to reveal…Ignacio Montiel, a.k.a. Dr. Evil! Why they gave this a build-up is anyone’s guess. We knew this yesterday.

Larry has just arrived at Psycho Mansion. Nancy shows him in and he asks to see Gaby. Nancy doesn’t make it out of the room, however. Fedora comes down the stairs. She tells Luscious Larry that he’s not welcome here. Close-up of Gaviota. She means business. Close-up of Larry. He’s not sure whether to get mad or cry.

Chez Emilio again. Yolanda comes out with a nice glass of orange juice for René. For a shy, retiring woman-of-a-certain-age, that is one low-cut dress. Ofelia Cano really should have protested, but maybe she remembered the chartreuse fringe party atrocity and decided this blue number wasn’t so bad. En fin, René and Yolanda chat a bit about the hole los Irazabal are in. Have they heard from Doña Octavia? Yes. She’s in hiding. If the police issue an arrest warrant, she’s far away. (129 miles, according to Wikipedia.) The conversation turns to Paola. René hasn’t seen her since the wedding. Yolanda wonders how Pancho’s treating her, if he respects her, makes her happy.

At the Little House on the Beach, Debora tells Our Heroine they’re here for a “super vacation.”
She’s over the whole kidnapping-hysteria thing. Now she’s just irritable, bored, and waiting for her next opportunity. Diana flips out again. Debora tells her to give it a rest; she spent days doing the same and it did her no good. No one’s going to get them out. No one. Diana slides to the floor, groaning and sobbing that she needs to know who did this, and why.

Back at Emilio’s, Yolanda asks René to find out Paola’s address. He agrees and she tells him that he’s a good boy, very special. He responds with his dimpled “Aw, shucks” number. He then develops a sudden case of Aldoitis and tells Yolanda his Philosophy of Life. “You have to smile. It’s free, so why save it?” Yolanda is encantada.

Vengeance Manor again. Fedora/Gaviota isn’t quite done telling pobre de Larry how unwelcome he is in her mansion. While she rehashes Larry’s crimes against Gaby, I wonder what other hats Fedora could have been named after. Stetson, Bowler, and Pillbox are out. Turban and Cloche don’t really work, either. Panama, maybe, or Balaclava. But enough of that. Larry’s vacating the premises. Fediota takes a breath, gives a little toss of the head, and exhales. This is followed by the pre-commercial clip where she takes a breath, gives a little toss of the head, and exhales.

Upstairs at the Manor, Little Doormat is lying on her bed, muy desanimada. Enter Fediota. It’s such a lovely day, she should be out enjoying it. Gaby’s not in the mood for any of activities Fedora proposes. She’s not in the mood for anything. She thanks Fediota for her good wishes, but nothing will make her forget Larry. Pobre de Gaby.

We return once more to Emilio’s. This time Max is in the living room. He’s on the phone, confirming a job interview. Bruna comes out of the bedroom. She tells Our Hero that she hopes this is the first step towards recovering the family fortunes, to going back to what they were before, to Max loving Marfil again. She goes too far, however, when she starts hissing about that nurse and how she’d give all she has to...The retaliation Bruna has in mind remains a mystery, unfortunately, because Max cuts her off with a brusque “¡Cállate!” I’d really like to know, but now Bruna is explaining that she hates Diana for stealing his love from her niña Marfil. Max is now suspicious. There’s something going on here. Bruna freezes as he circles round her. She and Marfil do not have the usual employer/employee relationship. The protectiveness that Bruna exhibits is more like that of a mother. Bruna utters a tight-lipped “Excuse me” and hurries off. Close-up of Our Hero, sucking on the Invisible Lemon of Deep Thought.

Time to check in on the captive half of Max’s harem. Diana insists that Debora knows something. Our Little Blonde Weasel off-handedly replies that she has her sister to thank. As for Diana’s abduction, she doesn’t know and she doesn’t care. Dr. Evil remembers to disguise his voice to tell them they’re keeping him awake. Diana immediately begins pounding on the door, screaming, “Let me go! Let me go!” Debora rolls her eyes in disgust.

Back to the mansion we go. Little Doormat is downstairs. Kique’s here, holding something behind his back. It’s a bouquet of pink roses with baby’s breath, only $9.99 with his Safeway Club card. Gaby is charmed. Kique tells her how pretty she is. Close-up of Kique. He doesn’t exactly look sincere, but he doesn’t look as if he’s lying, either. Nothing would make him happier than to have Little Doormat be his girlfriend. Close-up of Gaby. She is both frightened and flattered. She is Torn. She also has very strong eyelids; they actually flutter with emotion, despite the weight of her thickly-caked mascara.

Meanwhile, Lunkhead Larry is back at Emilio’s, telling Max what a fracaso Wedding #2 with Gaby was. Pobre de Larry. He’s a three-time loser. Max loses his patience. Larry’s just too stupid to be wandering about unattended. Running off to get married without telling anyone! It’s Vegas all over again! (Well, not quite. I don’t think Gaby could do a layback spin or a nifty step sequence down the middle of the ice rink in the wedding dress Larry bought this time around.) More rehash from Larry. Max looks muy serio as the Orchestra of Doom gets louder. Diana and Gaby are becoming more distant every day. Close-up of Larry, grimly nodding his pretty head in agreement.

Fedora is on the phone. She’s leaving yet another message which Octavia will probably erase. She mentions the possibility of running down to Key West for a visit, but she doesn’t know where Paco is staying. (Oh, come on, like there’s really more than one hotel in Key West.)

Back to our cell-mates. Diana won’t let up with the questions, most of which are redundant. Debora’s getting dangerously close to Chihuahua on crack mode. She can’t stand it any more and tells Our Heroine that she’s not Marfil, she’s Marfil’s twin Debora. Dueling close-ups that end with Diana, impactadísima. Commercial.

We come back from commercial to find Debora elaborating on her identity because Diana still isn’t getting it. Our Heroine is obviously suffering from some kind of cognitive bipolar disorder: Hotshot Vicepresidenta one day, babbling idiot the next. “I’m Marfil’s sister, De-bo-ra.” To emphasize her point, Debora smacks the wobbly lamp hanging above her. She’s not interested in telling Diana anything else, however. This triggers a meltdown which ends with Our Heroine sitting on the floor, wailing that she wants to see her child, the baby needs her, etc. Debora sits on the bed, tapping her foot and wishing Diana would just shut up already. Close-up of Diana in agony.

Over at the mansion, Little Doormat is hedging. They hardly know each other. Kique lays it on pretty thick, then asks, “Don’t you like me?” Gaby admits that he’s a handsome guy but falls back on the marriage excuse. What's that worth if Larry never loved her? “That’s true,” says Little Doormat, and Kique gets the wedding story. Serves him right. En fin, Kique’s going to love her like she deserves. Close-up of Little Doormat, wracked with fear and guilt.

At Emilio’s, we go from an external shot of the building to a close-up of Bruna. She wonders aloud how the little nurse is doing in confinement. Pan down to a close-up of Marfil. The Synthesizer of Doom plays eerie music in the background. “Her Calvary is just beginning, and it’ll be long -- long and torturous. She’ll suffer so much that she’ll be begging, screaming to die.” Bruna leans down and says that once Diana is dead, Max will have to forget her. And when Sra. Marfil decides to occupy her place in the house, she’ll be able to find happiness with her husband again. “Maybe, maybe not,” is the short version of Marfil’s reply. Either way, Max’s love for Diana has caused a serious rupture in the marriage and even if the nurse dies, he won’t love Marfil again. Once again Bruna demands to know if she’s Marfil or Debora. Marfil giggles wickedly, but doesn’t give her a straight answer. Such a tease! Once again Bruna demands to know where her twin sister is.

At the Little House on the Beach, Diana is still sitting on the floor. She’s quiet, but that probably won’t last long. Sure enough, Diana begins to sob about Max Jr. Debora remains unmoved until Diana starts asking questions again. Then she gets exasperated and calls Our Heroine a “filthy nurse.” “And how did you know I’m a nurse?” That opens the floodgates for yet more questions, mostly about Debora’s stint as Faux Marfil. Debora refuses to give her an answer beyond, “We don’t know what our end is going to be, all we can do is wait. Whatever!” Diana gets up and crosses the room, she’s so indignant. They go back and forth, with Diana carrying on like Amelia Sedley to Debora’s Becky Sharp. "Why such evil, such cruelty, why?" "Oh, get real."

That’s our cue to see how things are going with Marfil and Bruna. Marfil suggests that Debora went back to New York to resume her criminal career. Bruna doesn’t believe it. She wants Marfil to swear that Debora’s okay. Cue the String Quartet of Doom.
M: “And why do we interest you so much?”
B: “I see you as my daughters.”
M: “Oh, please! Even if we weren’t born rich, neither are we the children of a servant like you.”
Ouch. The music becomes faster, more threatening. Bruna looks down as she says, “I’m a servant, that’s true.” Then she raises those black-ringed eyes. “But even servants know how to love.” Marfil is decidedly uncomfortable under the intensity of Bruna’s fiera glare. She is forced to look away. “I’ve always loved you and your sister like a mother!” Bruna turns on her heel and storms out. After the door bangs shut, Marfil smiles as if to say “Ha-ha, made you cry!” She vows that Debora and Diana will never get out. They’ll be buried alive. Commercial.

Back at Vengeance Manor, Little Doormat promises to give Kique an answer soon. He in turn promises a love that is pure and beautiful. He wants to make her happy, as Larry never did. He kisses her on the cheek, and then the hand, before he leaves. ¡Qué galán! Fedora comes down the stairs. Either she never got the full story on the Kique-Pilar-Larry triangle, or her memory is as faulty as her daughters’. She encourages this budding romance, giving Little Doormat all kinds of reasons why she ought to give it a go with Kique. Gaby needs to forget about Larry, etc. Little Doormat is still conflicted.

This brings us to Emilio’s, where Larry, Yolanda, and Max are sitting on the couch. Everyone looks desanimado here. Joven Larry presses his hand to his brow as he moans that Gaviota and Diana won’t let him get near Gaby. (Actually, Larry, it's down to just Fediota now.) Yolanda can’t believe that Kique went so far. Larry rehashes his rivalry with Kique, and Max puts his two cents in. Luscious Larry vows that he won’t stand idly by and let Kique get away with it.

We return to the Mansion. Nancy has just brought Gaby a glass of water. She asks if Little Doormat is going to make the mistake of dating Kique. (All right, Nancy! Call 'em as you see 'em!) Gaby doesn’t know. Nancy points out that she doesn’t love him. No, but she could grow to love him. (Yes, that worked out so well for your sister and brother-in-law.) Don’t kid yourself, you’re in love with your husband. Little Doormat insists that she must forget him. Wedding story again. Nancy tries to tell Gaby that going out with Kique will only result in more suffering. But Gaby refuses to listen. It’s decided. She will accept Kique.

And back we go to Emilio’s. Marfil is still in the bedroom. She calls Dr. Evil. Cut to the Little House on the Beach. Andrés and Ignacio are sitting with their feet propped up on the table. They’re casually reading the newspapers. Andrés picks up the phone to see who’s calling, then tosses it to Dr. Evil. Marfil asks how it’s going. Great, couldn’t be better. Marfil’s going to visit the prisoners. She wants to laugh at their fate in person. Ignacio asks if she minds them knowing she’s behind everything. Not at all. They’ll never get out of captivity alive.

Roll credits

Labels: acorralada