Caray, Caray!

(Apologies for the bare-bones recap - real life interfered again.)

We are at the Little House on the Beach and Marfil has regained consciousness. She is wearing Debora’s commando gear and clutching her head. Our Heroine informs her that the Real Marfil/Faux Marfil game is once more afoot. Real Marfil is acorralada in her own trap. She fails to appreciate the fine irony of the situation. She screams at Diana, then charges the door and howls for Isabel to let her out.

Cut to Paco and Gaviota. It’s the usual “I was just your friend in need” / “I had to get my revenge out of the way first” conversation, complete with tears and Orchestra of Doom. Gaviota goes on to tell him of all the messages she left. She was ready to marry him when he got back, but he never answered a single message. Paco is impactado. Now Gaviota knows why he never answered. Who’s the Other Woman? Dueling close-ups as the Orchestra of Doom plays on.

Emilio’s. Max is going to call Gaviota for an update. Yolanda and Emilio are sitting on the couch. Faux Marfil enters the room as if she’s been shot out of a cannon; Emilio and Yolanda immediately stand up to let us know that this was unexpected. Max grills Our Little Blonde Weasel. And where has she been? Faux Marfil hovers on the edge of Chihuahua on crack mode. Max repeats his suspicion that she knows more about Diana than she’s letting on. She querulously denies being capable of having a rival kidnapped, tells him to quit bugging her, and flounces off to the bedroom. Yolanda doesn’t think Marfil could go that far. (Well, we all know what an astute judge of character Yolanda is.) Emilio agrees with her.

In the bedroom, Bruna notes that Sra. Debora looks muy angustiada. “That’s right. Debora.” She tells Bruna that Marfil has been the one enjoying the Irascible family fortunes during the last few days. Bruna is impactada.

Time to see how the double-date from hell is going. Gaby, who is dressed like Leslie Gore, tells Larry that she wants a divorce. And supposing Larry doesn’t want to give her one? Is he doing this to thwart Kique? Aha, so she admits that she wants to marry that imbécil? He loves me, you never did, etc., etc. And speaking of Our Evil Studmuffin, here he is again, with a glass of wine in his hand and Pilar on his arm. Lunkhead Larry wants to continue the argument, but Gaby is done talking. She gets up from the table. Pilar obligingly leaves Kique to work his evil magic on Little Doormat. While Gaby rejoins Kique, Larry rejoins Pilar, but only to announce that they’re leaving. Without dinner? An Evil Sex Kitten needs to keep her strength up, after all. And with any luck she’s eating for two so she can hang a bogus paternity rap on him. “No tengo ni un pelo de tonto*,” is Larry’s priceless answer. He accuses Pilar and Kique of setting up this chance encounter. Pilar denies it. Larry gives Kique the fiera glare. Our Evil Studmuffin raises Gaby’s hand to his lips with a wicked smile.

We check in on that other fun couple, Paco and Fediota. There’s a fair amount of coulda-shoulda-woulda before Gaviota returns to the identity of Paco’s wife. Who is she? He wimps out and says, “Alicia.” Fedora repeats the name, varying the subtext and her expression, at least three times. The same Alicia he loved years ago? “The very same. But despite my marriage, I’ll always be a friend you can count on.” Pobre de Gaviota.

At Marfil’s Playhouse by the Sea, Real Marfil finally succeeds in getting Isabel to the door. “I’m Real Marfil!” “And I’m Superman’s mother,” is Isabel’s witty riposte. Marfil frantically gives her a recap of recent events. “Throw that bone to another dog, Debora.” Boy, Isabel’s really cracking wise today. Marfil insists, but Isabel isn’t buying it. She closes the little window as Marfil shrieks hysterically. Diana cuts her off. Nobody’s going to believe her. The only way they’re getting out is when Debora returns with the police, and then Marfil and her accomplices will go to jail. Like me, Marfil bursts out laughing at the idea of Debora leading the charge to rescue Diana. It doesn’t matter which Marfil is on the loose. Neither one of them wants Our Heroine free. “¡No puede ser!” Marfil tells Diana how stupid she is, driving the point home with “We’re done for!” Diana is impactada.

Paco and Gaviota are having a Piano Moment. They lament what might have been had he been less of an idiot and she less obsessed with revenge. Paco leaves, Fedora weeps. She loves him, she lost him, he’ll never be hers again. Ay, the cruelty of fate.

Back at Emilio’s, Debora is getting Bruna up to speed. She rehashes the Soirée of Shame, and the pieces all fall into place for Bruna. (It’s about time. She’s been singularly dense on this issue.) "And tomorrow, Marfil and Diana will be flown to an insane asylum in the middle of the jungle. It’s a horrible place from which they’ll never escape." Bruna panics and begs her not to do this to her sister. Diana, fine, but not Marfil. Debora’s working herself up to fiera-pitch. One of them has to go, and now that she, Debora, is once more occupying Marfil’s place, she’s going to keep it, for the rest of her life. Bruna protests, but it’s not about what Bruna wants. This is how it’s going to be, period. Tough cookies. “And don’t you dare open your big mouth!” Bruna is distraught.

Our Hero gets up from the couch. Cue theme song. Max hopes to God nothing bad has happened to Diana. He gets teary-eyed. “Mi Diana.” Pobre de Max.

The theme song continues as we return to Our Heroine. She’s crying over Max Jr. Marfil rags on her about this and Diana counters with “At least I succeeded where you failed. I gave Maximiliano a son.” “Fat lot of good it did you.” They squabble on a bit, until Marfil gets philosophical and comments on the capriciousness of Life. They both lost Max; Debora came out the victor. Diana is crushed. She’ll never see Max or Jr. again. Commercial.

We check in on Gaviota. She is no longer the torch-singing attorney or the perfume potentate. She’s just a Woman Alone with the Blues. After much redundant agonizing, she hears someone at the door and pretends to be asleep. Enter Little Doormat, who decides not to wake her, kisses her on the forehead, and leaves. Fediota gets up and after some rambling arrives at the conclusion that by destroying her enemies she has destroyed herself.

Gaby enters her room. Larry pounces on her from behind the door, scaring the bejesus out of her. She tells him to get out, but he holds onto her for the close-up and swears his undying love. They’ll go to Venezuela; he admits he was an idiot, repents each wrong, etc., etc. He ends by saying that he knows she hasn’t stopped loving him. She admits that he’s right, but no puede ser. He has to leave before Gaviota sees him. But he wants to sleep with her, tonight. No, she’ll sleep alone, as always. Exit Larry. Little Doormat leans tearfully against the door, thought-bubbling the usual “If only our love were possible" nonsense.

Back at Marfil’s Playhouse by the Sea, Andrés enters the cell to wake the prisoners. Today’s the big day. They’re going to their new home. Marfil tries to convince him that she’s not Debora. He refuses to believe her. She calls on Diana to back her up, but Our Heroine says nary a word. Andrés is going to get Lidia (? an alias for Isabel?), who will put them out for the journey. Marfil turns on Diana. “Why didn’t you back me up?” “Why should I? You wanted me locked up in a madhouse. Now our fate is sealed. No one’s going to help us.” Translation: “If I’m going down, I’m taking you with me, bitch.” Close-up of Marfil, horrified.

Octavia is sitting on Paco’s couch, clad in hot pink lingerie with black lace trim. In more garish surroundings (say, Gaviota’s dressing room) she’d look like a madam on her day off as she pretends to drink an espresso. Enter Caramelo, dressed for morning mass: Blouse, pushup bra, denim miniskirt. “And who are you?” she asks. Lady O turns the question back on Caramelo. Introductions are made. Close-up of Caramelo with a look of “WTF?” while the Synthesizer of Doom plays a spooky chord.

At Villa Vengeance, Fediota’s on the phone with the police. The rest of Team Gaviota is present, accounted for, and hanging on her every word. Still no trace of Our Heroine. Since there’s no news about Diana, Fediota decides to entertain the gang with her own personal tragedy. She rehashes the Paco fracaso.

We return to Emilio’s. Dr. Evil calls Faux Marfil to let her know that the prisoners have been drugged and things are going according to plan. As he talks, he strokes his face with the barrel of his gun. Debora can barely contain herself, she’s so excited. This conversation seems more like phone sex than kidnapping, but I suppose neither one has had any action lately. She tells him to call as soon as they get back.

At Paco’s. Caramelo is having a hard time with this. Papá never said anything to her. It was a “boda relámpago,” explains Octavia. Enter Paco. He’s looking mighty pleased this morning. Caramelo needs confirmation from him about this impromptu wedding. Lame excuses follow, during the course of which Paco mentions that he’s told Fedora. Cue String Quartet of Doom. Octavia tells Paco that Fedora must disappear from his life forever. Caramelo isn’t following this very well, either. Why is Gaviota her stepmother’s enemy? Because her stepmother is…Octavia de Irazabal! Close-up of Caramelo, bewildered.

We return from commercial to find that Caramelo has progressed from bewildered to impactada. Somebody’s got some splainin’ to do. Caramelo doesn’t get very satisfactory answers to her questions. With rare perception she accuses Octavia of marrying Paco to hurt Gaviota. Paco’s outraged. Octavia plays the victim. Caramelo sticks to her guns. Paco can’t believe she’s treating his wife so badly. “Open your eyes!” Caramelo answers. “She only married you to get back at Gaviota!” Exit Caramelo. Cue Orchestra of Doom. Our Wily Villainess is all duplicitous affection with Paco. He’s not going to let his daughter get in the way of their happiness, is he? Crescendo.

At Emilio’s, Max is walking out the door as Camila is coming in. He was just on his way to a few job interviews. Afterwards he’s going to stop by the police station for news. Camila’s sorry. “Oh, come off it, you’re not a bit sorry.” Well, sorry for Max. She suggests they pick up where they left off while Marfil was in a coma. “Forget Diana, divorce Marfil, come back to me. Only I can make you happy.” Ominous piano chords.

At the airport. Dr. Evil and Isabel are standing near a small plane. Ignacio thanks her for all her help. She asks him to call her when they get to the manicomio in the jungle. And look out for Andrés. “Your nephew can take care of himself.” They say goodbye. Dr. Evil gets into the plane and tells everyone to fasten their seatbelts. The Chamber Orchestra of Doom plays slow, dark, portentous music as the plane taxis, takes off, and flies out of TeleMiami.

I look forward to seeing Diana and Marfil hack their way through the jungle with a pair of machetes. I will be especially pleased if they are captured by a lost Aztec tribe who still practice human sacrifice.

Oh, right, Max and Camila. She just wants to see him happy. Happiness went out of his life a long time ago. Exit Max. Camila is seriously miffed.

Up in the plane, Dr. Evil tells Andrés that the jungle madhouse is hell on earth, the worst place one could imagine: Dark, dirty, humid…No food, no water, just electroshock for the fun of it, among other horrors. Andrés likes what he hears. He hands Dr. Evil and the pilot guns. Commercial.

Octavia is flipping through a magazine. She finally got dressed, in a shiny, black vinyl halter top with a plunging neckline. “Evidently Paco didn’t tell Fedora last night,” she thought-bubbles. Enter Caramelo. Octavia gets up and blocks her path. “Now that your father’s gone, you and I are going to talk.” Caramelo is feeling the Villainess Vibe something awful. It takes some doing, but she manages to look Queen Cobra in the eye. Her Majesty proclaims herself châtelaine of Paco's little castle in the air, and she will have respect, damn it. Caramelo says, "Forget that." She vows to open Paco’s eyes to what a viper Octavia really is. The viper ends it by saying that Paco is so in love with her, he’ll throw Caramelo out if she asks him to. Exit Octavia. Close-up of Caramelo, not knowing what to think.

Back at Emilio’s, Camila’s helping herself to the tequila when Debora enters. She’s changed into a high-waisted black tunic that shows maximum cleavage. They have a little showdown over Camila’s right to just waltz into her brother’s apartment now that Faux Marfil is living here with her husband Max. Camila laughs in her face and asks what she’s afraid of. Debora laughs back. It’s good to see that sequestration hasn’t soured her delightful sense of humor. A little louse like Camila, against a real woman like Faux Marfil? ¡Por favor! And so on, until Camila promises to take advantage of the rift between Faux Marfil and Max to take him away from her. She laughs merrily as she leaves. Debora silently mimics Camila's threat, then fumes.

Diana comes to in the plane. It’s really happening. She’s really on her way to that insane asylum in the jungle. She’ll never see her Maxes again. All her hopes and dreams, the life she once had, blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile, Dr. Evil asks if they’re getting close. They are indeed. Ignacio blathers the usual “I can’t wait to see Diana completely destroyed.” Uh-oh. Engine trouble. Diana prays. Andrés wakes up, realizes they’re losing altitude, and freaks out. Marfil remains unconscious. Commercial.

We come back to Villa Vengeance, where Fediota is pacing her bedroom with a picture of Diana in her hands. She is sending Our Heroine “Come Home Soon” vibes. Then she tells Paco she needs him now more than ever before. Alas, he’s gone forever. There’s a knock at the door. It’s Nancy, come to announce a visitor. Caramelo stands behind her. Fediota’s not in the mood to receive company, but Caramelo tells her that there’s something she needs to know. Exit Nancy. Cue the Orchestra of Doom. Does Gaviota know who Paco’s new wife is? Dueling close-ups. Crashing cymbals.

Paco’s at a table in the bar. He’s trying to enjoy a beer when Jorge approaches and asks, “Has Gaviota found out that you married her worst enemy?” No beating around the bush for Jorge. Paco, unaware that at this moment Caramelo is spilling the beans, tells him no. “It’ll be like a nuclear bomb,” Jorge remarks. Paco seems to be having second thoughts about marrying Octavia. Especially when Jorge asks if it’s true that his wife is suspected of killing Reinosa. “Yes – but she’s innocent. She told me so.” He becomes agitated and gets up. Jorge watches him go, wondering if it was something he said.

We return to Gaviota’s room to see if Caramelo has gotten to the point yet. After an initial misunderstanding, Caramelo drops the O-bomb. Gaviota is beyond impactada.

Meanwhile, the plane carrying Our Heroine continues to plummet. Marfil finally wakes up and immediately joins in the general hysteria. The pilot spots a clearing in the jungle. He’s going to try to land. Diana says they must have faith that the Virgin of Guadalupe will protect them. Her faith is shortlived. Ignacio cries out that they’re going for a crash landing! They’re all going to die! It’s hootenanny time. Everybody scream with terror, now. The Orchestra of Doom plays loudly, frantically, and we get a slo-mo round robin of close-ups. While our steadfast pilot tries to land the plane, our friends exhibit panic, horror, and despair.

Roll Credits

* "I'm no fool."

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