Caray, Caray!

***Before I start with Thursday's recap, I want to say a HUGE thank you to Alex, Amy, and Nina (in alphabetical order)!!!! All of them stepped up to bail me out while I was moving half-way across the country. I have missed about two and half weeks of action so forgive me if I get something wrong. I'd never have been able to follow this episode without reviewing their recaps. I owe you all! Big time!!!***

On with the show. . .

Paco has come to Fediota's hospital bedside. Caramel and Little Doormat leave to give Paco and Fediota some privacy. As soon as they leave, Fediota miraculously opens her eyes and in her most pitiful and pathetic voice utters the name, "Paco."

At Villa Vengeance, we have what looks like a bunch of easter eggs in pastel colors; both grannies, Nancy and Max. Diana, Lala, and Diego are dressed in somber navy tops. Diana is cradling Maxito. "Oh, it feels so good to have him in my arms!" Everyone thanks Max for bringing Diana back, including Doomsday Diego. Diego then hastily adds, "Now that Diana is safely home, feel free to leave." Before he leaves, he asks Diana if he can give Maxito a kiss – a tender moment ensues as the baby is handed over while sappy music plays in the background. Apparently the three-second rule applies because suddenly Dreary Diego wants to hold the baby next. It takes about three people to hand him the baby. The camera very briefly pans to Max as he says adios, then pans to the group. Lala is holding the baby. Hmmmm. This is either another scene take, or Diego never took full possession of the baby and completed an immediate hand-off to Lala. Granny M asks Diana if it's true Diana can't remember what happened. "Yes," says Diana, "I don't remember anything about the kidnapping." Diana then mentions she can't wait to see Fediota and Gaby. Everyone is impactados; probably even that adorable baby bunny that Nancy is holding.

We must now be at the 5-Star Intracoastal Resort. Camila is poured into some skimpy halter and spilling over the top. This pales in comparison to Sylvie's Battlestar Galactica get-up in black and electric blue, with a matching electric blue wig. It's hard to tell the rest of Sylvie's outfit because I am blinded by Madame Trousseau. I've not seen that much gold in one place since Fort Knox. The outfits are too distracting for me to pay attention to what is being said. Apparently Camila is paying the Mistress of the Lost Dutchman Mine $10,000 to make sure Diana never returns. Camila says this is the last of the money Octave gave them; if Diana should re-appear, Camila is going to strangle the both of them. The Mistress of the Lost Dutchman Mine is offended that Camila thinks she's a charlatan. Sylvie tries to smooth things over. The Mistress assures Camila that Diana is never going to return. Right on cue, in walks Max with great news! Diana has been found and safely returned! The Mistress sprints out the door with her $10,000. Sylvie asks Max if he's sure Diana is safe, and that he wasn't just seeing a ghost. "Oh, it was Diana alright. All is well!" Max leaves the room and Camila makes good on her promise to strangle Sylvie. "That was my last $10,000!!!"

Back to Fediota's hospital bedside. Fediota is wispily telling Paco she doesn't want to continue living now that she's lost both Diana and him. Paco reminds her that it's still possible Diana is alive. Fediota then asks how Paco could marry Octopus, "I just needed a little time!" Fediota whines pathetically. Paco replies that to Fediota it might have seemed like a little time, but to him it seemed interminable. Fediota then falls back to sleep. A tragic ditty plays in the background.

Kike, Gaby, and Caramel are hanging around outside Fediota's hospital room talking. Suddenly Diego and Diana appear. Gaby is speechless! Hugs for everyone! Kumbaya! Gaby wants to know what happened. "There will be plenty of time for me to tell you all about it," says Diana, "but first I need to see Fediota!"

Diana walks in on the pathetic scene between Paco and Fediota. Paco tells her what happened. When Diana finds out Paco is married to Octopus, she's furious and scolds Paco for getting on with his life after being rebuffed for years by Fediota. "Didn't you know? After a bazillion years, she finally deigned to become your wife! How could you marry that viper? Get out of here right now!" Paco tucks his tail between his legs and slinks out. The Orchestra of Doom reaches a crescendo!

Back at the Intracoastal Resort, Max is doing a shower scene and babbling "Diana, my adorable Diana." We are then treated to a flashback of the scene in which he finds her at the convent. She doesn't know who he is, but she's quick to kiss him any way. Apparently his kiss restores her memory. Back in the shower, Max is reiterating that Diana is alive. Their love theme drones on. . .

Sylvie is lying on the sofa with a piece of meat covering her eye. Camila and Sylvie are still arguing about the efficacy of the Mistress of the Lost Dutchman Mine. Sylvie asks if Camila still plans to tell Max that Diana's baby is his. "Never!!" replies Camila.

Gaby joins Diana at Fediota's bedside. They can't believe Paco married Octave. Suddenly Diana announces she's a changed woman since the kidnapping and is now going to be even more ruthless than Octave ever was! This scares Gaby. Commercial.

More threats from Diana and how she's planning to mercilessly fight "our enemies." "Even if I don't remember who kidnapped me! 'They' could be after you or Maxito next!"

Paco comes to the nurses' station to cry on Caramel's shoulder. Big mistake. She asks how he could marry "that viper." Paco tries to point out that love is blind, "Look at you and Pancho!" C—"We're not talking about me here. We're talking about you and Octopus!" Paco patiently explains he's using Caramel and Pancho as an example. He and Caramel are not the first or the last to make a mistake in love. Throughout this scene, Kike is bobbing around in the background and making it hard for me to focus on the serious discussion between Paco and Caramel. I’m more interested in what he's doing. After Paco leaves, Diego mentions the impending divorce between Caramel and Pancho. He tells Caramel she's young, pretty, and will find another man that loves her. Caramel wants no part of the platitudes. She's not going down without a fight. She hates that other slippery vixen and is not about to give up on her Panchalon.

Camila is pouring Maxi Maxi a drink. She asks what he plans to do now that Diana is alive and well. Max says there's nothing he can do; Diana is married to Diego and she'd never leave him in his state. Camila starts in again about her and Max's future. Max tells her to lay off. His priority is finding a job and a new direction in life. Sylvie walks into the room. Max wants to know what happened to her eye. Did she have an accident or did someone hit her. Camila is standing behind Max and threatening Sylvie if she tells the truth. Camila says Sylvie walked into a door and a terrified Sylvie agrees. Max tells her to be more careful and walks out of the room. Camila reminds Sylvie not to say a word about Camila giving her the black eye.

Back at Fediota's hospital bed. Fediota starts to open her eyes. We are then treated to a blurred vision of Diana. Fediota's nostrils flare as she tries to focus. Yup, it's Diana standing there with a smile on her face. Sappy string quartet music plays in the background. "Diana, are you a dream?" D—"Nope, I’m here to care for you. How could you do it?" F—"After losing you and Paco, I couldn't live." A tearful reunion ensues with Fediota saying she loves Diana as a daughter. Diana says she thinks of Fediota as the mother she never had. The violin continues to drone in the background. F—"Although I lost Paco, it's more important that I have you! So tell me, who kidnapped you?" D—"I don't remember, but let's not talk about negative things." Lots of tears, etc. Declarations of love. Blah, blah, blah.

More filler conversation between Camila and Sylvie. Of course the conversation continues to revolve around Max and "that proletariat nurse." Max can never know Diana's baby is his son.

Paco comes home to Octave and Bruno. Octave is still wearing one of her signature Dynasty get-ups that the Wardrobe Department bought on eBay. Not sure if it's already been described in a prior recap, but the halter top is split past her navel, and is barely held together with three shoelaces. The top is covered with "diamelles." Octave wants to know why Paco looks so serious. Paco wants to know if Octave was involved with Diana's kidnapping. He has the feeling she hasn't told him everything she knows. Octave wants to know why he doubts her.

Debora comes to visit Doc Evil who's in his hospital bed. She tells him not only is Diana alive, she's returned to Miami. Doc Evil is impactado! The Orchestra of Doom pulls out all the melodramatic stops!

Paco tells Octave he only wants her to be straight with him. Octave lays it on thick and heavy, telling him how much she loves him and he's the only one that matters to her. Whatever. They lock lips. She then asks where he was. "At the hospital," replies Pathetic Paco. O—"What were you doing there?" P—"Visiting Fediota." Octave is impactada. She asks why Fediota is hospitalized as she bites her perfectly manicured nail for emphasis. ***So who does her nails, now that she's a woman on the lam?***Paco tells her Fediota tried to kill herself, but doctors saved her in the nick of time and now that Diana is back to care for her, Fediota is going to recuperate.

Back in Fediota's room, Fediota is asking Diana to assume the role of President of the perfume company until Fediota can come back to work. Diana is incredulous, "Yo?" Fediota assures her she'll be fine. Besides Emili-Oh can take care of everything. Although he worked for Octagon, he has proven himself to be faithful and loyal to the company. Diana agrees that Emili-Oh is a good guy. It's done. Diana will add perfume empire president to her amazing resume. Poor Emili-Oh will continue doing all the work to keep the empire alive, while receiving only a mere token of recognition.

Gaby bursts into the room. She no longer carries herself like the same hesitant frump we've grown to love. She has a new "do" and looks quite stylish. At least as stylish as possible for this show. Diana says they need to let Fediota rest, and some how it is brought forward that Diana is going to run the factory tomorrow. As Diana gets ready to leave, Fediota refers to Diana as "hija." Little Doormat appears to be jealous.

Diana runs into Diego outside Fediota's room. He's surprised she's leaving Fediota's side so soon. Diana tells him she wants to go home and spend time with Maxito before she has to go to work the next day and assume the roll of president of the perfume factory. Diego asks Diana how she could possibly be qualified to act as the president. Diana—"Fediota needs me, and with Emili-Oh's help, I'll do the best I can to learn everything." Diego doesn't like the fact Diana is going to be working closely with Max's friend Emili-Oh. Emili-Oh and Diana will spend the whole day talking about Max! Diana should stay home and spend time with Diego and Maxito! Diana tells Diego to pound sand, she's going to work and that's just the way it's going to be! Diego gets huffy and points out Diana doesn't do anything he asks, but she sure listens to everyone else and does what everyone else wants! "Everyone else is more important than me!" Pobre Dismal Diego!

Doc Evil and Debora are discussing the fact that Diana is alive because Max kept looking and looking for her. Doc Evil wants to know how Max found Diana. Debora tells him the details aren't important, what's important is that Diana has more lives than a cat. Doc Evil is flipping out that they're going to get busted for kidnapping. What's worse, Doc Evil shot his chauffeur, Andres. He now has another enemy. Woe is the dysfunctional duo!

Luscious is at his new job, where he's going to be an actor for a novela. Introductions are exchanged. Larry is wearing his "I'm a star" outfit; a tan blazer, a white oxford shirt unbuttoned all the way down, and some sort of tan and gray scarf wrapped around his neck. It looks like the scarf is made out of some sort of fiber. Actually, all he needs is one of those aviator helmets worn by Charles Lindburgh and a bi-plane. While he's getting ready for his shot at stardom, who should appear but the lovely Pilar. "What are you doing here?" asks Larry. Pilar hands him an envelope. P—"I have something for you. Read it." Lunkhead opens the enclosed sheet of paper and blanches. "This can't be!" "It sure can!" exclaims Pilar giddily, "I'm preggars! And you're the dad!" Luckless Larry is impactado.

Gaby and Granny M have come to visit Fediota. Pleasantries are exchanged. Fediota is tired, but is so glad that Diana has been returned safe and sound. She then starts in with her self-centered tale of misery about losing Paco. She was so sure he was all hers. Little Doormat states she can empathize; Lunkhead now belongs to Pilar. Granny M tells them both she's heard enough sadness. They are both good women and need to be strong. They'll find good guys who will give them the love they deserve!

Bruno is arranging flowers when the doorbell rings. It's Diana. Bruno opens the door and exclaims "Tu!" Diana says it sure is. "I've come for Octopus. Tell her Diana Soriano is here!" The Orchestra of Doom goes into overdrive! Diana is wearing some sort of white satin top with short puffy capped sleeves. There are ruffles down the front of the blouse and along the edge of the sleeves. The ruffles are all edged in black lace. It's topped off with one of Fediota's black five-inch-wide belts. This doesn't look like the sort of outfit worn by a perfume empire's president, but then again I'm not the president of a perfume empire. What do I know?

Back to Luckless Lunkhead and Pilar. Larry asks Pilar if this is her idea of a joke. Pilar gloatingly assures him she's serious. Now he has to marry her! Larry says it’s a ploy to entangle him. He needs to study his lines, they'll talk about it later. He doesn't want a scandal. Their conversation is so fast, I'm sure I've missed some key points. Can any of our viewers help out? Basically, the volume of their conversation is kicked up a notch or two and Pilar starts to make a scene. The producer walks up and tells Pilar to lower her voice or take it outside. Larry is trying to quiet Pilar down, but she is working it! "How can you turn your back on your son?" Finally Lunkhead caves in and agrees to divorce Little Doormat and marry Pilar. What a spineless boob! He never once brings up wanting a paternity test. Geez! Luckily the scene ends before I can jump on a plane to Miami and slap him silly.

Back to Diana v. Octopus. Bruno tells Diana to leave. Diana tells Bruno to take a long walk off a short pier. Bruno gives the Vulcan death pinch to Diana. Diana gives one back to Bruno. Octave finally makes an entrance and wants to know what's going on. Diana starts yelling at Octave for stealing Paco. Diana goes on to say what a lousy mother Octave has been to her kids. Octave says, "How dare you talk to me in such a manner!" Diana replies that she now is rich thanks to Fediota and is of the same echelon as Octave. Yes, it's a sign of true class to go to your rival and tell them you're rich now and you can talk to them anyway you'd like because you're of the same social status as them. Thankfully the scene ends before I fall off my chair laughing. I wonder when Diana and Octopus are going to appear on Jerry Springer. Apparently the thought of turning our Charlie's Angels wanna-be into the police is lost on our dense diva.

Credits roll; and not a moment too soon!

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