Caray, Caray!

Diana is bottle feeding a stiff swath of blankets that is supposed to be Max Jr. Diego starts in asking how her day went. The conversation then degenerates into him asking her if she plans to keep working after Fediota returns. I believe Diana wants to keep working so she can pay for Diego's surgery, which would enable him to walk again. Diego clearly wants her barefoot and pregnant, taking care of him and the baby. He then starts in with the usual hysterics, "You just want me to be healed so you can divorce me and run back to Max!" Diana lamely tries to deny this. Diego starts shouting and the FX technicians cue the "baby crying" effects. The faux baby starts moving up and down stiffly as Diana and Diego are fighting. She tells Diego he's being a jerk and is going to make her drop the faux bambino. She then walks out and Diego tells her he's going to stay in that wheelchair for the rest of his life! If Diego's not happy, by George, he's going to make Diana's life miserable as well!!!!

The exchange continues between Max and Camila. Max will never be attracted to Camila ever again. Diana is the true love of his life, even if a relationship is impossible. Camila tries to change his mind. "Ain't gonna happen," says Max. "Whenever I kiss you, I think of her. Whenever you're in my arms, I pretend it's her." Glycerin Tears of True Dolor course down Camila's cheeks.

Peyote is crying in her jail cell. She is appropriately dressed in her gray Daisy Duke outfit. Apparently it's the same cell as the one previously occupied by Luscious and Debora. Once again there is not another soul in sight and all is quiet in this Miami jail, but I digress. Pancho has come to bail her out. "Why are you so unhappy?" asks a self-centered, clueless Pancho. Pancho tells Peyote she could have been robbed or raped at the park. Woe is poor Peyote. She had so much hope for their marriage. She thought she was going to leave her misery behind, but alas, that wasn't the case. She didn't care he was the poor son of a servant or a criminal. Blah, blah, blah.

Pilar runs into Little Doormat at the hospital. P—"Just the person I was looking for!" Gaby wants to know what the heck Pilar is talking about. Pilar is clutching her
"Envelope of Doom" and drops it on the floor at Gaby's feet. Gaby, bless her heart, doesn't dive down to pick it up for once. Pilar tells her to read it, but Gaby doesn't move. Finally Pilar gets to the point and gloats she and Larry are going to be parents! Gaby is impactada!!

Peyote's tale of woe continues. Pancho deceived her and doesn't love her. Pancho tries to calm her down by telling her "Of course I love you!" After some fancy footwork by Pancho, Peyote tearfully buys his pathetic excuses hook, line and sinker. He then leads her from her cell.

Max v. Camila continues. Max, ever the thoughtful one, owes Camila his honesty. Apparently honesty is not what Camila wants. After this whine fest goes on for awhile, Camila finally spills the beans that Diana isn't as saintly as Max thinks. Max, the dolt, asks, "What are you talking about?" Camila blurts out that Diana has been deceiving him; Maxito is his son!!!! Max goes into lemon-sucking mode. Commercial.

Max is pressing Camila for details. How did she find out? Camila says it's not important, she just knows. Diana is a devious fox who has denied Max his own son, passing the baby off as Diego's! Max doesn't want to hear about it. He's had this feeling all along Maxito was his. . .No pulling one over our psychic hero. He has to talk to Diana! As he runs out, Camila smugly tells us that Max will never forgive Diana's deceit. Camila then calls Diana a fox. A cretin!

Pillow is continuing to gloat. Much to my disappointment, Gaby bends over and picks the envelope off the floor. Pilar tells Little Doormat it serves Gaby right for setting her sights so high. She's nothing more than a servant. Larry's never even touched her! This whole scene is painful to watch. Pilar makes Gaby promise to have nothing further to do with Larry. Gaby promises – the baby needs both parents. Pillow struts off, all smiles and joy. Poor Little Doormat just stands there with tears rolling down her cheeks.

Diana is staring at herself in the mirror of Max's old room at Villa Vengeance. The phone rings. Obviously it is for her, since she's the one answering. It's a frantic Emili-Oh. They need to meet at 8:30 in the morning! Diana wants to know what's going on, but Emili-Oh doesn't want to bother her. "No bother," retorts Diana. Apparently some contracts are not properly signed. "No hay problema," says our plucky heroine. A boring business discussion ensues, with Emili-Oh telling her she's like the best president that has ever walked the planet. "I couldn't have done it without your flawless assistance!" says Diana. More mutual admiration society exchanges occur. Barf.

Camila is now recounting her exchange with Sylvie. Sylvie is still doing her Cher-wanna-be impression. Camila says she took Sylvie's advice and told Max that Diana has been deceiving him all along. Max was furious! Sylvie, still in her cervical collar jumps around all excited that her plan has worked. Lots of celebrating their good fortune until Camila reminds Sylvie about having spent their last $10,000 on the Mistress of the Lost Dutchman Mine. Buzz kill for Sylvie.

Gaby is telling Fediota about Pillow's pregnancy. True to form, Fediota tells Gaby it serves her right for believing in Lunkhead. "Those Irascibles are bad news! I've told you a thousand times!" "You're right," snivels Little Doormat. Fediota then turns it around to make it all about her. "I've got to forget about Paco as well." Misery at Miami Mercy Medical. Fediota and Gaby embrace in shared sorrow.

Max shows up at Diana's office looking for her. Beatriz, the receptionist looks quite happy to see him. She tells him Diana isn't available. Max slams his hand on her desk and says he'll return later. After he's gone, Beatriz wonders to herself, "What's up between Max and Diana?"

Lala is providing Peyote with a PSA about the dangers of drugs. They're bad for your health.

Beatriz comes in to tell Diana Max came by looking for her. Diana gives us her typical head tilt and vacant stare.

The PSA continues. Peyote tells Lala Octopus never loved her. Lala tries to talk Peyote into giving up Pancho; she deserves a good guy. Peyote is standing by her fool—I mean man.

Little Doormat is on her way to the hospital to take care of Fediota. She asks Nancy to call for a cab. While she's waiting in the garden, Lunkhead appears. He wants to talk. Gaby tells him to leave, but Larry is persistent. Finally Gaby beats him to his news; Pillow is preggers with his kid. The orchestra of doom hits a dramatic note!

Intracoastal Resorts. The doorbell is ringing persistently. Camila goes to the door wearing her jaunty black fedora, a black halter that is tied together in the front, and her finest Catholic schoolgirl plaid micro-mini skirt. It's Debora. Camila and Debora start insulting each other and each trying to claim Max for themselves. White shoes and all.

Back at Perfumes 'R Us, Max shows up again looking for Diana. Emili-Oh greets him at the elevator. "What's with the lemon-sucking face, bro?" asks Emili-Oh. M—"You're my good friend right?" E—"Of course I am; you're living at my homeless shelter." M—"Be straight with me. Did you know Maxito is my son?" Emilio-Oh's speechless face is all Max needs to see. Emili-Oh doesn't have a dishonest bone in his perfect body. Max struts off down the hall looking for Her Highness, our heroine. He hurls himself into her office and slams the door. "What is the meaning of this?" drones Diana. "I'm the true father of your baby!!!!" The Orchestra of Doom starts crashing its cymbals. Head tilt, vacant stare (see above). Lemon-sucking face (also see above). Commercial!

Back to Max and Diana. He reiterates he knows he's the father of Junior. M—"Admit, you deceived me!" Diana tries to deny it, but Max doesn't believe her. More Orchestra of Doom. More vacant stares. Diana is impactada!

Gaby is in the garden talking to Lunkhead. She's yelling at him for knocking up Pillow and standing her (Gaby) up at the church. He tries to explain he was arrested for hitting Kike, but Gaby isn't buying what he's trying to sell. He finally takes her in his arms and all Gaby's resolve dissolves. Their love song plays. They are millimeters away from locking lips when the scene ends and we're back to Debora and Camila. What's up with that?

More posturing between the two fieras. Finally Camila tells Debora that Max knows Diana's baby is his, and he's mad at Diana. Orchestra of Doom. Debora is impactada.

Diana and Max are still squabbling over "Name That Dad." Finally Max says he's going to find a judge and order a blood test. Diana then relents and admits Max is the father. Max is impactada and the Synthesizers of Suspense strike up the band.

Back to Lunkhead and Gaby. Still no kiss, although he talks about wanting to kiss her so badly. Gaby's mouth is saying, "No! I hate you! You destroyed my life! Kike rescued me and treated me right! You wouldn't even take my virginity on our wedding night!" Gaby's eyes and body language are saying "Rip my clothes off, take me right here and right now, you luscious hunk of love!!" Still no kiss. Kike drives up and smirks at Larry as Gaby gets in the car with him. Lunkhead the Loser is despondent. Serves that bone-head right for breaking our Good Girl's heart!

More of Camila and Debora. Camila is bringing Debora up to speed. Did I mention that Debora is wearing some outfit that wardrobe rescued from Rowan and Martin's Laugh In? Suddenly Camila and Debora are bonding and singing Kumbaya.

We're looking at Max's hideous white loafers, but wait, they appear to be on Dismal Diego. He's starting to walk to the sofa as the phone rings. It's Debora. She tells him Max found out the truth about Diana's baby and has gone to the Perfumes 'R Us to see Diana. "You have to go and confront them!!" Diego whines that he can't go due to his "limitations." Debora tells him to suck it up and figure it out. She hangs up and the doorbell rings. Nancy sees Diego on the sofa and wants to know how he got out of his wheelchair. He says it isn't important and orders her to answer the door. It's Pancho. Diego orders Pancho to take him to Perfumes 'R Us.

Diana and Max and still arguing. She has denied his right to see his son. He has already lost so much time. If she doesn't let Max spend time with Maxito, he'll take her to court. See above: head tilt, vacant stare, lemon-sucking look, etc. etc.

Credits roll!

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