Caray, Caray!

I say we line all these AssHats, yep every cast member in this "Drama" and make them take a DNA test. Yes, Miss Sanchez's class, writers I'm talking to you, I know some of you have had biology, or at least your have watched enuff MTV to know about BabyDaddy or you wouldn't make the Ho's in this story so skanky, so let's just do a swab and straighten out this convoluted nest of relationships, I want one done on Mr. Puppet too.

WE open with a skank fight, Andrea drops the “Secret Wedding” 411 to Luci. Luci, screams, she shakes, she won’t let it happen. Andrea smirks…Oh Snap Andrea deflect the husband boinking fury onto poor lil Mili, the bastarda.

Now over to the Soccer Field of love, yep the Wedding is on for tomorrow, AS IF..
We all know this will never go through unless, they plan to add a laugh-track, move everyone into Mili’s new house and cut this down to a thirty minute weekly segment.

In the Church, that little kid, the one that likes Mili is praying for sporting equipment, he hears someone coming and as a punishment to his worthless father that won’t buy the kid decent sporting goods, Jesus allows said kid to overhear the conversation between the Good Padre and Yolanda, I think that is her name. The lady who is Gloria’s baby abandoning Mother. She tells the good Padre she ran into Gloria’s Dad, the father of said hiding kid. Padre says it is the right of everyone to know the truth. Oh good Call, Padre of the Chuch of St. Deceptions. El kid gets the junior muy impacted face.

Now over at the house, the detective Granny hired, shows up and tells Brau, that the story is this, Mili’s Uncle died trying to cross the Rio Grande. Brau agrees to go along with it as it is all for the best.
Dude didn’t even put up an argument. Consti comes in right behind “Magnum the Detective”, Const tells Brau, “Rest in Peace.” Brau is upset, he didn’t want to die a “WetBack”, oh the shame, the shame.

Praying kid’s father shows up at the church, he tells Padre, I heard you wanted to see me. Yes, to talk about your daughter. “Well hombre, you have the wrong guy, I have a son”. Guess again, Batman, answers the Padre, Yolanda gave me and God the 411. “I was a boy”, the guy says, “You know you can’t get pregnant on your first time” Okay so I threw that part in myself. Anyhow, Padre does a step up to the plate speech. “Say Padre, do you tell all your parishioners to welcome their spawn and call them daughter.?” The Padre answers, “Actually the wealthy one’s get to call their spawn servant”. Now accept it or it is ex-communication for you, and give me three Hail Mary’s and an Our Father for good measure. I threw in the last part, but what good is it being Holy if you can't threaten poor people with eternal damnation? The rich can just buy indulgences.
Meanwhile our little kid overhears all.

Mili and Al are back at the house, I love you, no I love you…yadda yadda, no one can know, except Granny. Yeah that’ll work.

Mili runs off to tell Regina. A knock at the door. Why it is Nestor. Giving Al the once over. Al not really wanting to spend time with another one of Pa’s creepy friends, tries to bow out, but no such luck. Nestor starts one of those embarrassing conversations, like what grade are you in? Do you play sports? Al is like tomorrow will be the happiest day of my life. He doesn’t say why, but Nestor wishing to bond with his Bastard, geez let’s see, who on this show doesn’t have one. Well that would be Gloves & Damien and in both cases, this drags on for months so there is still hope. Now, Consti, has one, Luci, Nestor, Horocio, Sorrictro (kitchen babe), Gawd knows Karla keeps giving it the old college try. Oh yeah, church guy & Yolanda have one too. I hope it isn’t like when people go out and buy a Jack Russell Terrier cause of Eddie on Frasier. Oh I almost forgot Nestor gives Al a big if somewhat unnatural hug.

Poor Granny is exhausted what with all the adoption drama, the buying the house drama and so on. She sleeps right thru Mili nuzzling her and trying to give her the good news.

Mateo or Matt rides his bad boy Vespa up in front of the Rodeo, we then have to watch him thought bubble about Mili, when she walked into her class, with that Naca come hither attitude. He quickly snaps out of it realizing, he needs a rich chick, yeah like the one Ole Lady Regina just adopted.

Now Matt’s Grandfather is having a sit down with Mattie’s friend. He tries to get the friend to talk some sense into Matt. He needs to realize there is more to life than dinero. Friend says, Gramps has controlled the purse strings since Matt’s parents died and Matt wants to live his own life, and in the manner he believes he deserves. Well seems like Ma & Pa dead parents, left lil Matt mucho dinero, but he doesn’t know it so Gramps wanted him to be his own man and didn’t let the kid in on the secret. I hope Gramps is telling the truth, cause I could see Damien spinning one like this. Damien is my hero.

Finally Const comes downstairs and does the big greet to Nestor, Nestor tells him how impressed he is with Al. Consti pauses for a moment, thought bubbling, “Who the Hell is Al?” oh yeah, well to each his own.

Damien comes in and offers to make everybody drinks, Consti snarks that Damien is really good at making drinks just like his sister. Here comes Luci with Flor in tow. Consti introduces her as his future daughter-in-law, Al interrupts and says, they are only friends, that is just something the rents are pushing. Flor backs off and says she doesn’t want to talk about it. Mili is coming down the steps and Flor pulls out the shirt, AssHat left at Flor’s last night. Luci tells Mili to take it up to Al’s room. Mili does the stiff leg angry teen walk and marches off. Al follows as his mother calls after him.
Seriously folks, we have been around this group of dysfunctional people for awhile now, but they always act so spaz in front of whomever happens to be there. Can we all say AWKWARD?

Mili is cramming Al’s shirt in a drawer..he comes in, Mili doesn’t believe it…yadda, yadda, yadda after a bit of bantering, Mili gives in. Oh joy the Wedding is still on.

Meanwhile, downstairs, Andrea has now arrived to join the coven. Val is there and Consti tells Luci that Bobby & Rocky were trying to have their way with young Val. Val laughs it off. Luci skipping the Bobby part chastises Val over a servant. Val gets up and does her teen stiff leg march over to Uncle Damien, who certainly sees nothing wrong with servant boinking.

Meanwhile, Nestor has cornered Al, who is now very uncomfortable with all the attention from this middleage guy. Ya think? I’m getting a creepy vibe and I know he is your father.

Mili nicked a dress from Val and she has it in the dorm room. Gloria asks what is up, but Mili can’t tell, however it is the most awesome, unbelievable secret evah. Gloria is rightly put out. Geez, you got adopted, a house, a bitchin dress…What else?

This continues into the kitchen, where Mili finally gives in and tells Gloria she is to be married tomorrow to Al. This is all fine, well and good, except neither girl sees Luci standing like 3 foot away, do these girls not have peripheral vision? Cause I saw that on Grey’s Anatomy and the guy had a killer brain tumor. Seriously Luci hulking in her butt ugly bright blue and brown dress like three feet away.

Next we see Luci come into the living room on unsteady feet, I’m not sure if it is the shock or if she had a couple of quick shots from a bottle hidden in a potted plant. She drags Flor and Andrea off to Consti study of red leather couch and stairway to nowhere. Luci spouts the 411 that Al plans to marry that nasty servant. Flor is nasty pissed. Now it all about her, oh the humiliation, he picked a servant over her, as if, dumping a drink on him and trying to do the horizontal Mambo while standing up wasn’t humiliation enough. Only to have Al which so far in this TeleNovela will nail anything with a pulse, run out leaving his floral shirt. So now you want to cry humiliation. Andrea aways the schemer tries to calm everyone down. Luci says Flor has to help her. This is something else that amazes me, does Luci just not scream the last person you would want for a mother-in-law? In fact, the whole family is so BSC dysfunctional. Damien comes in and gets the big glare from the women. He makes a couple of coven Bruja jokes, which fall onto deaf, humorless ears. Dinner is served. Flor says no way she is done, Flor leaves she no longer wants dinner. He totally checks out Andrea’s Ass as she walks out of the room. Yeah he’d hit that, if he could.
----I don’t care, shout-out from me Damien, you totally are my hero----
I have decided Damien only does, well how shall I phase this, “unscrupulous things”, to better his lot in life, not out of cruelty or meanness, just out of self help. He could care less who marries who and Val can do Rocky all she wants. Const & Luci are just mean, small people who deserve to stay married forever.

Mili fills in the whole gang, Gloria, Socorrito, Lina about the nuptials. They do the hip bang thing. Uh huh, Uh huh, Mili’s getting married.

Luci starts crap at the table, she insists that Al join her shopping tomorrow, Al says nope, Luci gets that whining insistent tone in her voice. Nestor is overwhelmed by the needling, you can see he is so thought bubbling that he should have stolen Al when he was a small child. Al passes Luci off to Val, who quickly bounces her to Const. Consti says No effin way is he going shopping with Luci. Nestor finally steps up and says he will take Luci shopping. A visible sigh of relief goes around the table. Luci still tries to get Al. Now it is his turn to stiff leg march off from the table.

Al goes to Mili’s room, the wedding is on. Did she tell anyone? No, well, the gang of three jump out (Gloria, Lina & Socorrito and they start cheering).

Meanwhile in a particularly disturbing scene, Brau is feeding his puppet son, yogurt, while gazing at a picture of dead sis (Mili’s Ma), yes the puppet too is a Bastard, but at least Brau stepped up and took the kid before he was carved into a religious statue at St. Deceptions.…knock knock knock…

It is Karla, she yells at him for awhile, how she was left to wait on all those people, then she tells him Luci wants to see him.

Luci tells Brau that he must take Mili and flee, run for your lives, it is very dangerous for her. Const has gone BSC and will harm her. Brau ain’t buying what Luci is selling. No way…Way, Luci counters. He will do nothing cause she is under the protection of the Queen Regina. How is Regina going to help her?
Well Brau says “She adopted her, Mili is her legal heir and daughter”. Shaaaaazaaaaammmmmmmm
This looks like a good time for Luci to wear a Depends cause she is about to lose it…..

The End….

Tomorrow looks like Mili goes all out and wears her Carlitos costume for the Wedding, in case there happens to be a soccer game occurring in simocast. Hopefully that was just a to throw Luci off.
BUT…..wait there is more…we see Luci stalking the happy couple
WOE is Me.

My Consti RatBastard rating is back up to 9.5 cause of the way, he fawns on Val and cause he is going to go BSC when he finds out about the Mili adoption.

Labels: guapos