Caray, Caray!

Buenas noches a todos.

And I wanted to watch C-SPAN…

So Gabi tells Sofia that her daughter is dead. But it can’t be; she isn’t! Telling yourself that she isn’t dead doesn’t mean that the Virgin is going to return her. As Gabi reminds her, dead people don’t come back to life. Not so fast says Eva. You have to believe that she is alive; it’s the only thing that will get you through. Ha! Gabi laughs at Eva and her silly advice. This is the woman who sabotaged you! Are you really gonna believe her? Gramps yells from upstairs; stop beatin’ up on everyone! Ah, but Sofia won’t let her mother intimidate her. Eva tells her to come on. Gramps promises that the last thing he will ever do in life is prove Gabi’s evilness.

What does Sofia do? Well, just like every other time she pouts, she goes to church to pray, where we see Eva wrapped up, and then some third-party mother-daughter combo praying too. Sofia always eavesdrops and then gets emotional. So predictable...

Gabi is combing her long, beautiful, flowing hair, and then tries to leave the bathroom. It’s locked, but what she doesn’t understand is that it doesn’t matter how many times you try to turn the locked handle, it still stays just as locked. I’d love to know why every door in the history of telenovelas locks on the outside. Well, then again, this would explain all those interrupted-sex scenes. Back to the story, she bangs on the windows, and then goes into some stress-induced spasm. The seconds pass like days and Gabi grows wearier and wearier. She bangs on the walls, she stares at the ceiling with raccoon eyes, and she crouches at the door. It’s been what seems like fifteen seconds and still the door is locked, she doesn’t want to be alone! I imagine her sobs are ambiguous to her orgasms with Fernie. Uh, wrong show… Oops! All the door needed was a little push!

Gramps goes to talk to Padre Tadeo. He doubts that Juan took the kid with him. Naturally, Padre Tadeo doesn’t have a clue, but he scrunches his eyes and forehead to make it look like he’s thinking. He says he’ll have to investigate. All I can say is that if this investigation is anything like the one he led with the torches, I stand a better chance of finding Juan. Gramps asks if Fernie had anything to do with all this. Then Gramps answers his own question; “I don’t think Fernie had anything to do with this.” I think Gramps has lost his mind along with the baby.

Poor Gabi is hugging her pillow desperately and can barely utter an understandable word. If I wasn’t laughing so hard, I’d be crying for her. Now imagine me in a baby voice: she was so scared, she was combing her hair, and then the next thing she new, she was locked-in. She stutters on for a few minutes, Fernie embraces her, but he doesn’t know what’s going on. He instructs her on some breathing exercises, and she’s as good as new. Fernie tells himself that Gabi doesn’t like to be locked up—“how interesting.”

So Sofia and Eva were out and about and they decided to swing by the little shop of horrors (a.k.a. the tax write-off Sofia and Sarita have going). If you ask me, it’s basically a bunch of shit that no one in town would ever want, or pay for. Now, move this to downtown Cozumel and you’ll be selling to every 60+ retiree on the cruise ship. Anyway, Sofia tries to greet Sarita, but you know how she gets when she’s in one of her moods and all. Sofia, who doesn’t even have half a brain says, “I know you don’t like Eva, but try to be nice to her” right in front of Eva. And Eva, like the moron she is tries to reach out to Sarita. Furthermore, Sarita tells Eva sorry, but she can’t stand the sight of her. “I understand, hija” says Eva. Just let me be around Sofia, and maybe Jimena, if it’s not too much of a bother. Since when does Eva need Baby Jane’s permission to talk to her sisters? Bitch.

Things are going smashingly over at the usurped lands of the Reyes. Coincidently, Gabi was in the neighborhood, and tells Franco that he has no right to use the sprinklers. Yes I do. Nice defense. And might I add; there is no way in hell that one man would work all that land, and much less Franco, he’s a drunkard good-for-nothin’. Ah, whattaya know; Gramps passes through and yells out the window that he talked to his lawyer and the Reyes can use the water. Then Franco wants to know why in tarnation his father signed the papers over to Gabi in the first place. You want to know why? Juan Jose Robles loved me desperately! I was the only woman he ever loved! Well, whatever you say, but just know that the water and the land is legally theirs, and they can take it away from you—then you’d be ruined! Wait. She wouldn’t be ruined because they don’t grow anything on those godforsaken lands anyway.

So that one poor family who works in the market is in the hospital. Their son had a really bad night, but just like every other person on this show, he’s gonna be ok, but you can’t see him because he is in intensive care.

Then we see the strategically-exposed female doctor serving with the witchdoctors in the middle of who knows where. The Native Americans tell her that the other witchdoctors think that she brings death. Then some fur traders say that if the girl doesn’t accept their negotiations they will have to get rid of her. Weird… Then in some hut, I presume the “hospital,” the girly doctor is chatting with the local translator. He tells her that he saw a man down by the river. He was asking for his brothers and seemed very tired. Oh my God! It’s Juan! Only he could survive a gunshot to the head and a one-hundred foot fall down a rocky waterfall, days in a river without food or water, or his daughter! The doctor hopes that he finds his brother. Well, for Oscar’s sake, I hope they find Juan. For my sake, I hope he made it across the border, or wherever he went.

Sofia still doesn’t understand why Sarita can’t accept Eva—after all she loves them more than their own mother. OMG, we know, you told us that in every episode which preceded this one. Shut up. Sofia doesn’t understand why her mother never loved her daughters. Then she remembers all the times her mother hit her and her sisters. Like the time she called Jimena a whore—SLAP! Or the time she punched-out the arguably-pregnant Sofia—SLAP! And who could forget the time she told Sarita that she hates her guts (time 1, 2, & 3)—SLAP! Sarita tells Sofia that she already signed the divorce papers. Ah, speak of the devil, Franco shows up with the papers, but he couldn’t sign his name so he just wrote an “X.” Now she has her freedom. Now, that’s a line from Beauty and the Beast.

That damn Eva was caressing Jimena and Gabi has had enough of that crap. How dare she put her filthy hands on Gabi’s little tramp? It’s Eva’s fault that Jimena is in that condition. Eva now has this confidence thing going on where she denies everything Gabi says. It’s obvious that she went to one of those religious counselors. Gabi reminds her of the time Eva gave her daughter away to some stranger. Frankly, we’ve all heard some many versions of the same story, who the hell knows how it happened? And I’m sure everyone involved was either drunk or mentally retarded, so WTF? Don’t make me laugh says Gabi. OMG, Gabi decides to tell Eva who her real daughter is. Where have we heard this before? Turns out that Gabi gave her real daughter to Raquel in exchange for those lands. Her name is Ruth. Where do I begin? First, I think I speak for everyone when I say we sure as hell didn’t see this coming since the first day—right? Second, that’s pretty low for Gabi, but at least she didn’t dump the twelve hours-old baby in the dumpster like the teenager from Maryland, or sell her for drug money like those girls on MTV.

So Eyebrows is in the slammer, and he’s giving orders to El Lobo that Fernie has gotta learn that you don’t mess with innocent people. I bet he paid someone to hook him up with a private cell. But then again, from his little display with Pedro, he seems like the type who’d be cruising for some action. He leans toward El Lobo and whispers, “make sure to protect Franco, he needs the help. But don’t let anyone find out, like you usually don’t do.” That’s probably the last thing I would be thinking about in jail, and how does he know anything about Franco’s situation?

Sofia stops Franco on his way out. Tell me the truth, do you know where Juan is. Ok, you imbecile. Does she really think that everyone in town is running around like a chicken with his head cut off looking for Juan as part of a vendetta against her? Then she gives some shitty line about being a devoted but devastated single mother who will do anything—anything—to get back her kid. Puhlease. She needs to go jump down some well.

Gabi reassures Eva that Ruth is her daughter. Yeah, and that’s exactly what she said about Rosario, and look how that ended up. Basically, Eva walks around and treats any girl who’s younger than she like her daughter. Well why are you telling me now? Maybe because you were on your freakin’ knees every day begging her to tell you something. Gabi reasons that Raquel left, and therefore Eva will never meet Ruth, or hold her, or feel her. Or pronounce the name correctly…dammit!

Now Sofia thinks that the baby’s clothes are actually the baby. I’ve seen bad cases of post-partum, but this is border-line State Mental Institution. Yet again, so many allusions to What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? Who on the writing staff has an obsession with Bette Davis? Who? Now she is short of breath, and has a celestial dream complete with wolves and an audience of Quinti and Gramps and a random horse. Sofia is walking in a trance calling for her baby. We get a color commentary from Gramps about catching Sofia, and then we don’t know what’s going on. Suddenly I completely understand how these characters feel on a daily basis.

Not that we care about this person, but those people over at the hospital find out that the guy in critical condition has a benign tumor.


Gabi’s all ready for bed, and even checked under the bed for monsters. She forbade Fernie from using the bathroom. She can not believe that the Reyes believe they can use the water whenever they want. Better yet, Fernie wants to know why Gabi was so scared to be locked in the bathroom. Believe me, I know the color scheme was bad, but it wasn’t that scary. Oh! Foreshadow time: Gabi felt like she was being buried alive, and ever since she was a girl, she has always been afraid of dying like that. Fernie kisses her and smiles. Something tells me he is scheming…

Sofia is in some rage-full sleep, and of course, she still hasn’t found her baby. You know; if I went around in tight black dresses and had my hair pulled back like that I’d go crazy too.

Eva bursts into Gramps rooms with the great news: Gabi finally told her who her daughter is (for the second time). It’s Root! It's Root!

So Rosario does some Cleopatra Dance and humps the other go-go girls on stage. You can only do so many dances to that damn song. It was ok the first two times, but then it just got old, and then annoying, then painful…

See, now that Juan and Oscar have flown the coop, Franco is in charge of baking bread. It’s sorta therapeutic, and he takes out all of his negative energy on the kneading of the dough. Neigh! Neigh! Well who could that be at this hour? Franco sees Capricho walking around. Franco is so scared for Juan. All reason tells you that he is dead—no one gets shot in the head, falls down a waterfall, then lingers in the forest for days on end. They just don’t…

Witchcraft time over at that one tribe place. Everyone denounces the “medicine” of the round-eyed lady doctor as they dance in a circle of flames. We must sacrifice her! We must clean the village! Wait! If we are going to follow tradition, it must be by the books! (pardon the expression, of course they don’t have a written language—just look at ‘em) *Lightening bolt*—there’s the sign—burn her! They tie her to a pole. A gust of wind, a crow—the signal—OMG! A hunchback man with a gunshot wound to the head! Is he gonna save her, or eat her? Or be burned alive at the stake, or be the signal to burn the other chick?

In case you care, tomorrow: Gabi and Fernie worked together to knock off the kid. Now Sofia can’t stop going to church, and Franco can’t stop making bread. Juan’s coming back, and the moment will be crucial!

Comment: do you guys realize that these little teasers are almost completely recaps in themselves. There were five words of new information: “the moment will be crucial.” Well, if that is in any way indicative of the episode I’d stop while I still had my sanity.

Labels: Fuego