Caray, Caray!

Buenas noches a todos.

It’s been two weeks since I’ve watched this god-forsaken show, and I’m just not the same; I almost completely regained my sanity.

It does my heart good to see little Sofia moseying around town with her “Se Busca” fliers. I won’t even comment on how they were produced in a town with no ink cartridges. To her demise, nobody’s seen the guy. I think I saw some people grin when they found out Juan was missing. Then the one old guy breaks it to her softly: Sofia—Juan’s been gone for what seems like weeks (though it’s difficult to say because nobody around here has grasped the concept of time) and he’s not comin’ back. I swear to the Virgin, nobody’s seen your daughter or Juan. What does Sofia do? She crouches down in agony and constipation and clinches her teeth: (to the Virgin) you’re a mother, so help me find my daughter. We’ve seen this so many times I should write it down, produce it en mase, and distribute “Sofia’s Prayer” to all my Catholic friends and neighbors.

Oh my God. I can seriously say (not without a smile, though) that I never expected our little Juan to become a health-care seminar leader and motivational speaker. I’m telling you; it was the water and the tight jeans that really characterized the former Juan. Think “Rocky” locker-room pep-talk meets Dr. Phil: We must maintain our health and listen to every word the lady doctor says. But the witch doctor says she’s evil. Screw him! says Juan—he couldn’t even cure that one girl. Not true; it’s the girl doctor’s fault. Nope. Juan is one of us, he respects our tribal customs, says a man who is definitely not an indigenous person. Yeah right says Witch Doctor. Well, you know the laws of the tribe; now you must fight. If you don’t accept, you’ll have to leave and never come back (doesn’t give the guy much of an option). Gee, I think I played a similar game when I was eight years old, and even then I thought it was stupid. Just goes to show you that living in huts in the middle of forests was and continues to be detrimental to modern humanity.

Speaking of adolescent games, it’s tea time at Gramps’s tree house and Sofia explains that Fernie has become even more ambitious, if that’s possible, since he has become Gabi’s sole heir. I’m really worried about Mom, says Sofia. Since when does she give a rat’s patooty about her mother? Then she tells Gramps that Damian has been like an angel sent from Heaven above. Who’s Damian Ferrer? Oh, look, there he is now! I had so much respect for him until he saluted Gramps. I’m telling you, it’s the water. Anyway, he tells Gramps that he raises horses, always tells the truth, and is in love with Sofia. Puh-lease, that’s like the oldest line in the book. But, you know Gramps, who pretty much wrote that book. Naturally, Gramps is impressed, Sofia’s embarrassed, and Damian’s relieved. Do you know the story of Sofia? Please don’t tell it—we hear about it every night. Gramps relates that Sofia WAS in love with Juan Reyes. Thank God, Damian stops him, and says he, like us, knows all about it.

Ding, ding, ding. And in this corner, weighing in at 275 lbs. (all bark and no bite, oh, wait, that’s the dog show) Juan R-r-r-reyes! You have to win Juan; my dying daughter depends on it. No pressure, no pressure. And in the other corner, weighing in at 150 lbs. (he’s got a bandana, and no shirt—what else can I say? He just looks tough) The Wi-wi-wi-witch Doctor! Of course, tribal law dictates that we can’t start until the master of ceremonies flings some smelly stuff onto the dirt fighting grounds. Juan, tapping into his machismo side, takes off his shirt as well, but you never turn your back to the storm! Just then, WD attacks like a ragging little bull, jumps on Juan’s back, and goes for the eyes—just like in tae-kwon-do classes. They both fall back, but WD gets up and kicks Juan where it counts a few times. Juan tries to get up, but he can’t see! WD punches him some more, and then raises his arms in victory. It’s all over folks! But wait, there’s a bucket of water, which replenishes Juan’s thirst and heals his blindness. Now the triumphant music plays and Juan punches WD square in the face. He picks him up and defiantly delivers him to two bystanders. As the WD stands there, Juan declares his defeat and tells them that everyone has to be vaccinated. All told, the WD put up a better fight and delivered more blows, but you know me, the eternal cynic. Now the mayoral figure will symbolically lead the effort by vaccinating himself first. Woohoo for making strides toward civilization.

Fernie is basically ripping all the ranch workers new asses. Why did you let them go, they were at the point of provoking a tragedy. They claim that they acted in the best interest of the girls. I really have no clue what they’re talking about. To say that Fernie is berserk is an understatement, so just imagine his fury when he tells his workers to get water to his ranch come Hell or high water. You gotta love the pathetic extra who smirks when Fernie has his tantrums.

So, is it any surprise that Gramps loves Damian? However, he tells the kid close, but no cigar; he’s too late and won’t be able to conquer Sofia’s heart. Gramps, you know that I only think about my daughter, says Sofia. Not to worry, I’m not a man who gives up easily, says Damian. It’s moments like these that make me want to rewrite and therefore revolutionize Mexican telenovelas. Gramps insists that he get to know Damian, because y’all know what happened when they didn’t get to know Fernie the last time love was in the air. Well, that was sort of the point…

Things are going smashingly well with the vaccinations. This scene evokes so many questions: with what is she injecting them, are the needles sterile, how did she obtain the vaccinations, who paid for them, etc., etc.

Why does this Nestor Miranda character always play the doctor in everything? It’s as old as, well, this telenovela. Anyway, Gabi is sure to remind him that Sofia is a false, conniving, calculating bitch who tries to get everyone on her side. This reminds me of someone else we know. But the doctor doesn’t buy it and tells her that she’s wrong, and Sofia really cares for her mother, so take that. No! She deceived you, just like everyone else. Nestor gives Gabi a little sermon about loving her children, and you know the story by heart, inside out, and upside down.

Oh, God, don’t tell me that Jimena is pulling a Hugo (ADCLS). Granted, I’ve missed a lot, but that’s just low even for her. Anyway, she was up and about one second, and then she uses her “illness” as a pretext to manipulate poor Eva’s fragile, fragile feelings. Bitch. As Eva is street walking down Memory Lane Jimena cries and jerks her head some; nobody in a coma moves that much, nobody. Now that she’s blown her cover she hugs Eva and apologizes; I have no earthly idea why. Why is it that every time I watch this damn show Eva, Jimena, and Sarita are ALWAYS crying, hugging, and asking each other for forgiveness?

So it’s obvious that you’re cultured, you’ve traveled the world, you’re smart, handsome, and well-behaved says Gramps to Damian (who reminds me of myself). Then the question we all ask ourselves: why the hell did you come to live here? The answer: he lost his wife and kids, and it’s been nearly impossible to start over again. I’ve never lost my wife and kids (nor do I have any), but if I did, I probably wouldn’t move to remote regions of Mexico in order to start anew.

Gabi hassles Nestor (that’s not his name, but a rose by any other name smells as sweet) about playing into the hands of Sofia. Well, ma’am, in my long, successful career as a cardiologist, I’ve seen cases where people think they have heart conditions, when really they have problems with their souls. But this doesn’t move Gabi, and she sure as hell doesn’t need his services. One last diagnose: you’re selfish, and manipulative, but if you ever want to change, look me up. He’s full of clichés, isn’t he? I swear I’ll never look you up, even if I’m dying. Sofia Sofia! You always turn people against me; damn you!

Sofia’s and Damian’s leisure walk is interrupted by Pablito, who tells Sofia that Capricho has gone missing again—can no one get the damn horse a leash?—and he probably went looking for Juan. There’s a better chance that Capricho falls down the well and Juan finds him, than Capricho finding Juan.

You know, I’ve always loved and admired Juan for his ethereal ability to bounce back and roll with the punches. Sure he was blinded, kicked around, and beat-up, but you’d never know it. Maybe it’s that vaccine, which leads me to another question… Oh boy, so Juan tells his assistant, who for all we know could be a doctor too, that all he could think about was the one guy’s “niña.” Juan then asks himself why he feels connected to her; who is she? Well, I’ll say this much; her name is “mi niña” and your script writers made it a special point to question her existence.

So Sofia has it in her pretty little head that Capricho is missing because Juan came back for him, and Franco and Oscar are complicit in Juan’s crime of stealing his own daughter. I’m gonna say this: it’s traumatizing enough to lose your baby fresh out of the womb, so why the hell aren’t local authorities, for lack of a better term, doing all they can to find the baby? Hell, when a local police officer kidnapped (and later killed) a pregnant mother of 8 months in my suburban community, every relief organization and representatives from the FBI were looking for the kid until they found her. I guess reality just doesn’t sell—it’s not sexy.

So Capricho is trying to take Juan home, but Juan has no clue what’s going on, and pulls the horse by its snout in the opposite direction. It’s odd that when the horse wants something he has no problem articulating his desires, but when Juan wants something, the horse is as stupid as a horse.

Damian tells Sofia that he really admires her, and will stand by her side for the long haul. It’s painfully obvious that he’s been watching too many telenovelas.

Now Pablito is Juanito, that is, he’s the head baker, and wants to bake Sofia something that will never let her forget about Juan. Isn’t it funny that in his old life, Juan didn’t give two shits about hygiene in the kitchen, but now he wants to vaccinate everyone. Just goes to show you that losing your mind, literally, can be healthy and productive.

Comment: the extras/indigenous tribe people are laughably pathetic. Remember that Juan can’t do anything without brute force, so how the hell are these people not fazed whatsoever by the injections? I’m just saying, if you’re gonna show close-ups on their faces, they should at conceal their smiling countenances.

So apparently the doctorcita is sick with whatever everyone else had, and she really needs the injection. If you were the doctor giving everyone the injections, and you knew there was a plague going around, wouldn’t you give yourself the injection before you reached the brink of death? Well, the point is, she didn’t, and the one guy comes in for revenge and a quickie, and then throws all her medications on the floor. They were still in their boxes, so that doesn’t mean you can’t still save yourself honey. Whatever…

Gramps catches Fernie stealing, yet again, and Fernie denies it. He must be a very confused individual because his interior monologue tells him that he is stealing, but he tells everyone on the outside that he’s not stealing.

So Gabi is sitting in front of a mirror and hyperventilating. She flashes back to her times in the graveyard/pit when she couldn’t get out. She wants to thank the person who came up to her and told her it would be okay. Whatever it takes to heal…
Then, Gramps accuses Fernie of setting up the burry-Gabi-alive ordeal, and tells Gabi that Fernie arranged it all better than Napoleon or Alexander the Great could have done. Like I said, I missed two weeks, so I assume this is why she was “ill.” Of course, Gabi doesn’t believe a word and apologizes to Fernie. But then again, she wants to talk to Fernie seriously. That will never happen…

How cute, Pablito made Sofia a little “S” cookie. Sofia immediately thinks it was Juan, and holds the cookie as if it were Juan’s own heart. Then she takes a sensual bite and remembers their first kiss, their first sexual experiences, and we’ll save the rest for cable. I wish my cookies would evoke such passion. “Juan’s back!” Not quite, honey…

Tomorrow: Damian tells Franco and Oscar that he isn’t there to create hate and animosity, and furthermore, he is prepared to marry Sofia. Well, they’re not too happy about Damian moving in on their brother’s gal, so they resent Damian. Hot diggity, doesn’t this description get you hot and bothered and jazzed for another episode?

Labels: Fuego